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Original poster

Star pupil at school - underachiever adult

81 replies

BrainInAJar · 12/12/2023 18:44

Hello

I saw something on another thread that resonated with me. It said lots of kids are great at school but falter as adults.

My parents came from humble beginnings and they and my grandparents really emphasised education and "Getting A Good Job" as the key to life and doing better than they had (they had few options growing up). They assured me all I would need to do is "Study Hard" and "Pass All of My Exams".

I was one of the star pupils all the way through (private) school and supposedly destined for great things. But when I got to uni (top uni, very popular course) I was average on a good day. I went into a profession but have never set the world alight and am now probably underachieving. I've tried a few roles and am now just coasting in a comfortable one.

I suspect part of it is I never learned about the importance of extra curricular activities (I always focused on exams) and networking. (My profession is a bit "old boys' club") I think I did better in school where there was a structure and set expectations. And you didn't need to "know" anyone to get good (exam) results.

My personality is perhaps much too eccentric and introverted to be ruthlessly networking and ambitious.

I feel like I peaked at age 16! (I'm now early 40s).

Having said all that, I'm long past WANTING to work 80hours a week for a 6 fig salary but it's interesting to see folk who did crap at school now long since passing me in "success".

Anyone similar?

OP posts:
cardiffburneracct · 12/12/2023 18:56

It sounds like there's a different way to tell your story. School > optimising for what others expected of you. Adulthood > you've set your own pace and lifestyle. It doesn't sound like you've "underachieved".

To your broader point: yes I think it is pretty common for the high achievers at school not to see it translate, exactly for the reasons you list. People are optimised to pass exams and do well without that system, adulthood requires other skills which many may not feel prepared with.

Original poster
BrainInAJar · 12/12/2023 18:58

Thanks @cardiffburneracct that's an interesting way of looking at it. School suited me as I like reading, writing, learning etc. Work I don't love so much as it just involves loads of PEOPLE and their BULLSHIT.

OP posts:
SausageinaBun · 12/12/2023 18:58

Yup. Exams are easy. It's the other qualities you need that aren't taught at school that lead to career success. I've never much wanted to play the game, I'm not focused enough, I like a good balance in life, I tend towards being a bit anxious and lacking self belief. But on the plus side, I loved my education, so it wasn't a waste.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General education
Original poster
BrainInAJar · 12/12/2023 19:01

@SausageinaBun agreed, parents and school (at least in the 80s/90s) equated "high paying prestigous job" with "happiness" and "success".

Maybe for me having a cushy WFH job and a cat equals those things.

OP posts:
Waynesplanet · 12/12/2023 19:06

I am probably a bit similar. Not to blow my own trumpet but I am very smart, almost no work in school got me exceptional results but uni was very different.

I do have the most amazing work life balance and I earn well but I could never have set the world on fire.

My temperament was not as well suited to outside school. I suspect I have ADHD, I have 2 ND kids and tonnes of traits, the two main ones are hyper-focus and procrastination. Could you be ND?

rookiemere · 12/12/2023 19:11

I'm not dissimilar. School was easy because I just learned things. I was average at uni and now have a decent, but not meteoric job.
However I don't thrive on long hours and having a good work life balance matters a lot to me, so I'm successful in my own definition of the word.

Carrotmouse · 12/12/2023 19:12

I know people like this: partly it is about values. Just because you are academic, it doesn’t mean you are ambitious. You might just enjoy learning, or you might highly value raising children, or you might want an easy life, or something else. Also as a pp has alluded to, I think academic intelligence is often less important than other qualities in the workplace, including self-belief, resilience, single-mindedness, extraversion etc etc

Original poster
BrainInAJar · 12/12/2023 19:14

@Waynesplanet thanks. It's interesting. I DID have to work hard to get top grades even at school. I was pretty clever - I could read before going to school but I would probably have only got Bs, maybe even Cs if I hadn't studied.

I suspect I have some autistic traits. These have come out more as I've got older and especially following covid and now permanently living and working from home alone. I absolutely cannot deal with noise/distractions or people in real life (only phone or email) That does NOT assist me in licking folk's arses and thereby being part of the inner circle at work or in my wider field.

OP posts:
Knitily · 12/12/2023 19:15

I am exactly the same, and I've found the difference between the expectations I had put on me as a child (high achievement) and my reality (nice wfh job, cute dog) a source of anxiety.

I have little patience for the bullshit at work, prefer structure and a stable paycheck to 'changing the world'

In my yearbook I was voted 'most likely to be prime minister' and 'most likely to find a cure for cancer ' but I have been neither driven nor clever enough to pursue either of these. But I'm still happy, so that's an achievement in itself

Ohmylovejune · 12/12/2023 19:16

Life isn't about academics - thats the reason. Despite Mumsnet generally thinking its the one thing that matters.

I was an accountant and the majority of the businessmen I dealt with hadn't excelled at school they were winning in business though! They had an acumen not valued at school. Quite a few were probably neurodiverse too. One couldn't read or write, but he was so successful he paid someone to do that for him.

I was only mid ability in school exams but went to a sink estate comprehensive and that taught me as much as the academics did and it encouraged me to work hard and use education as an escape.

My son's year at school the most successful students we know of (late 20s) are one exceptionally bright lad who is a medic, one who "failed" all his exams but is now an actor (with plenty of work!) and three mid ability who went into IT. Quite a mix!

Original poster
BrainInAJar · 12/12/2023 19:16

I wonder if we're quite a self-selecting group here on MN!

Intelligent but possibly introverted.

OP posts:
blabla2023 · 12/12/2023 19:24

I personally think “coasting in a comfortable job” is winning in life :) same here, well paid job with good work life balance, I think I won!

hotchestnut · 12/12/2023 19:24

You have just described me perfectly. I often did lessons with the year above when I was at school (not private) and teachers assumed I was destined for great things.
I didn't do well at university and have never broken out of low level entry type jobs ever since. I've been turned down for promotions at work because I'm 'not leadership material'.
I think the answer lies in what you said about being slightly eccentric and introverted. I think intelligence and education aren't enough to fly high, you also need to be determined and focused, maybe even a little ruthless. I don't have that 'killer instinct' to make it to the top in business and much prefer reading and writing in my own company to networking.
I suppose I also like variety. I'd rather have time to do various things that interest me rather than striving to get to the peak of one profession and having a narrow field of experience.

TitusMoan · 12/12/2023 19:24

I could have written your post OP. No autistic traits, no ADHD, and no ambition!

disappearingfish · 12/12/2023 19:29

Schools are small places, it's easier to stand out. The best footballer in the school is unlikely to end up playing for England. The kids in the school play probably won't end up winning Oscars.

But you can't really tell kids that even if they work hard and pass all their exams they're still likely to end up in an unsatisfying career with a deep loathing of Gareth from accounts 😀

You sound like you are doing just fine OP.

Original poster
BrainInAJar · 12/12/2023 19:31

Thanks everyone, this is such a nice thread!

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 12/12/2023 19:35

personally think “coasting in a comfortable job” is winning in life :) same here, well paid job with good work life balance, I think I won!
I agree. I'd class winning in life to be a position that's senior enough to have some autonomy and an interesting role, but comfortable enough to have a good work-life balance and no need to keep chasing work goals.

Secnarf · 12/12/2023 19:36

There isn’t just one definition of success.

I excelled at school, including extra-curriculars, did one of the courses with most competitive entry at one of the two most competitive universities, passed all parts of my post-graduate qualifications first time (negatively marked and high failure rate), reached the highest grade of my profession young, took on senior management responsibilities and a regional role, and was well published.

I was successful in the way that you define it, and pretty content with my lot,

Now a few years down the line, I work part time. I have given up my managerial roles. I do my job well (and I hope still fearlessly). I plan to retire in the next few years, when you would expect me to be at the height of my career. By the same measure, you could say that I am much less successful now,

However, I feel my life is much richer. I have time to have a life outside work. I have a strong and rewarding relationship, and I have traded being able to compete professionally with being able to be there to support my child in their endeavours. I am probably one of the lower earners of my friendship group at University, but I have enough to fund my life comfortably and don’t need more.

So success for me is being able to carve out a balance between work and home life. I am incredibly fortunate to be able to do so.

MaryMary6589 · 12/12/2023 19:40

You described me. Are you a lawyer too?

Tommalot · 12/12/2023 19:42

What school neglected to make clear to me is that working hard and achieving high grades gives you certain options. It doesn't guarantee anyone will be high-flying in any vocation because other qualities are needed for that which our educational system is woeful at preparing kids for.
My education got me out of a dysfunctional family hole and like PPs I've also carved out a comfy work-life niche for myself. That was probably less risky than the route others I've witnessed have taken which was to go into a trade (though they're now earning just as much if not more than me with their own businesses). But then, at 18 I certainly didn't have the confidence/people skills to do that.

Getoverit1965 · 12/12/2023 19:43

Sounds like me. I am very gifted academically but a total underachiever in life. Strong suspicion I am neurodivergent though, I think this is likely a big factor.

blorm · 12/12/2023 19:44

SausageinaBun · 12/12/2023 18:58

Yup. Exams are easy. It's the other qualities you need that aren't taught at school that lead to career success. I've never much wanted to play the game, I'm not focused enough, I like a good balance in life, I tend towards being a bit anxious and lacking self belief. But on the plus side, I loved my education, so it wasn't a waste.

Agree 100%.

theduchessofspork · 12/12/2023 19:46

It sounds to me like you’ve done pretty well, but you don’t want to make your career your life.

So you could either coast along and focus on whatever you enjoy, or look into changing careers.

Perhaps you got pushed into something that wasn’t quite right, but I don’t think you’ve done badly at all.

DingDongBella · 12/12/2023 19:50

The trouble is schools don’t do enough to ‘match make’ students to careers that will suit them. From what you’ve said you would be well suited to a role that valued a high level of specialist knowledge rather than management skills or being a good networker. So for example IT geek or specialist in an obscure area of tax.
Out of interest what area do you work in and what level do you earn? It sounds like you thought you would earn 6 figures but whilst not hitting that earn enough to be secure?

Brandyginger · 12/12/2023 19:50

If you’re a lawyer (I feel maybe you are? If not, there are parallels) it really is the luck of the draw. Often we were first in English or won all the other humanities prizes at school : then got to law school with everyone else who won the English prize at school (once compared this over lunch with uni classmates and hit 12/12 lunch participants). But then succeeding as a (corporate) lawyer: the guys (and they’re usually guys) who are doing really well, went to the not quite top uni, didn’t quite get the top marks : but they can talk the talk and bring the work in.

happened to me and my softly spoken ex oxbridge dh: overtaken by the not to bright ones!