Star pupil at school - underachiever adult

[BrainInAJar]

Hello

I saw something on another thread that resonated with me. It said lots of kids are great at school but falter as adults.

My parents came from humble beginnings and they and my grandparents really emphasised education and "Getting A Good Job" as the key to life and doing better than they had (they had few options growing up). They assured me all I would need to do is "Study Hard" and "Pass All of My Exams".

I was one of the star pupils all the way through (private) school and supposedly destined for great things. But when I got to uni (top uni, very popular course) I was average on a good day. I went into a profession but have never set the world alight and am now probably underachieving. I've tried a few roles and am now just coasting in a comfortable one.

I suspect part of it is I never learned about the importance of extra curricular activities (I always focused on exams) and networking. (My profession is a bit "old boys' club") I think I did better in school where there was a structure and set expectations. And you didn't need to "know" anyone to get good (exam) results.

My personality is perhaps much too eccentric and introverted to be ruthlessly networking and ambitious.

I feel like I peaked at age 16! (I'm now early 40s).

Having said all that, I'm long past WANTING to work 80hours a week for a 6 fig salary but it's interesting to see folk who did crap at school now long since passing me in "success".

Anyone similar?

I think I’d fit your definition. I did well at school and went on to do a BA (Hons) and MA degree.

But I’ve never had a high paying corporate job (my work history is mainly in the third sector with a bit of freelance thrown in). And I’m now a very happy SAHM.

I’ve no interest in being ‘successful’ in a career, and when I do go back to work, it’ll be to do something that fits around being a mum (and hopefully feels worthwhile too).

Yes, I'm a solicitor!

Agh. Autocorrect. That should be not SO bright ones. Sigh.

Translating academic intelligence into life success is difficult.

Personal development, communication, as well as other skills such administration and self directed learning are equally important.

I have one DS who is flying academically so we are deliberately developing his social skills, resilience, leadership and broadening his interests.

The younger is friendly, popular, empathetic and solidly above average at school. I worry about him less than the older one as he naturally puts his relationships and his own happiness on par with doing well at school.

I heard someone talking on the radio recently and she was saying that girls often do very well at school because they are conditioned to do as they are told, be good, obedient, conscientious and well behaved children (girls especially) and do very well in the school environment. They are handed work and they do it and hand it back.

But actually in the real world, these types of people end up working for other people and find it hard to get to the higher levels because they play by the rules.

The ones who didn’t fit in or do what they were told, who struggled in school and bucked against the school system , they are the entrepreneurs and the people who take chances in a career and do really well in the working world.

Thats put into my own words and not very well so apologies if that is not worded very well. But I thought it was so fascinating.

Yep, that was me, except not private school or top university. Like you, I never learned the importance of networking until it was too late and I am incapable of schmoozing people. I'm also not good enough at bragging and bullshitting and being pushy.
Basically I was (and am) intelligent and good at learning and problem solving, but not good enough at the social aspects of building a career.

@3luckystars no, I get you entirely. It's amazing to me that the naughty boys who didn't know how to use an apostrophe are out there waving their willies around and convincing everyone that they know what they are talking about! Whereas I just sit here quietly getting on with it, substance over style.

I’m a little bit like this I think. Absolutely top of the class at school (and with zero effort). Did ok at uni, middle of the pack but would have done better if I had actually studied. Excelled at PhD (but broke me mentally). Picked an easy postdoc and shortly after left academia. Cruised through a series of easy uni jobs, but moved around a bit as some of the more corporate parts of uni were challenging from an interpersonal pov. Career took off properly a few years ago post kids, and I’m excelling in an mba, but I work at quite a nerdy place.

I am convinced I am neurodivergent. I have an aspergic child and am currently leaning towards adhd for me. I assume that my neurodivergence is both the source of my excellence but also my issues which are largely to do with Vaguely fragile mental health and difficulties playing the game/getting on with some key people.

I once saw a quote from, I think, Heath Ledger. It was along the lines of "people always ask you what job you do, if you're married, what you earn, if you have kids. They never ask if you're happy."

Are you happy?

And actually, from an outside pov I probably do seem very successful, I’m late 30s, mid senior level and earning around £70k. I just don’t feel like it’s anything like my potential.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos that rings a bell.

I'd say I'm not UNhappy. And what unhappiness I have actually probably isn't about my career.

I would like to have met someone/got married. (Wasn't bothered about kids). I suspect being antisocial has not helped there!

OP, you might find it interesting to research 'child prodigy syndrome'.

To summarise, child over-achievers are often performing at an adult level well before adulthood, and this is rightly seen as remarkable. But once the child is an adult and their peers have caught up, it is increasingly difficult to continue being remarkable, and this can lead to an exaggerated sense of mediocrity, giving up and under-achieving.

@BrainInAJar I'm very antisocial tbh. There's still people for us out there. My DH can be quite sociable but he's equally happy to avoid the world with me. Focus on what makes you happy, not what people THINK should make you happy.

Are you me? 😅

At school we get a lot of certificates, grades and badges etc which can make us feel high achieving. Not enough of that in adult life. Sounds like you are doing very well op.

I was the exact opposite. I only really excelled when I was learning about what I truly had a passion for and went towards the qualifications I wanted

Lots of people suggest that smart/gifted kids who underachieve (or burn out) as adults are neurodivergent. It was certainly the case for me. You mentioned your introverted and eccentric personality so… 😄

I identify with you, OP.

I don’t put my current situation down to anything medical or personality-related. I’m just lazy! I did well in school because we were spoon fed. I coasted at uni, have never worked really hard but due to the self-confidence and soft-skills I learned at my good school I’ve arrived in a job that allows a good lifestyle for minimal effort.

I define success as having choice. That’s what I have, and I’m very fortunate to have it.

I have former-contemporaries who are bankers or top lawyers, earning ten times what I earn. And good luck to them. I’m envious of their houses and holidays. But I’m not envious of their working lifestyles. I don’t see myself as any more or less successful than them.

This is me too OP. I excelled at school, but floundered at uni - didn't cope socially, did well academically, i.e. got a first, but realised in my third year that I didn't like my degree. Did a PhD in something obscure, because I didn't know what else to do - finished it, but didn't go on to do much with it. Went into IT, and did ok, but was never a high flyer - I just never had the self-confidence for leadership, and I have a tendency to say what I think rather than always being "professional" and positive about everything. I worked part time after having children, which put the nail in the career coffin. I now earn £60k in the public sector, which isn't bad, but I'm not sure I'd "survive" in the commercial sector.

I have had a major achievement outside of work which I'm proud of - I started a metaphorical snowball which grew and grew into something big and new, which is very successful. I'm under the radar, so only a few people know it was me that started it, and it only thrived because others got behind it at the right time, but it feels like a good legacy. 🙂

Growing up we are encouraged to believe we have to keep aiming for the top - but top jobs, high stress careers, even being the best at what we do are not always important to everyone - and thats ok. I think this is the lesson of middle age and working towards the end of your working life.

You described me OP. I loved school, excelled in all subjects in top set. I 100% wasn’t ready for the transition to university and dropped out the first year. Returned but with a different degree altogether. Looking back I think I suffered terribly with anxiety but just ‘got on with it’
i have a good job now - good pay and wfh so suits my work life balance but I’ve been turned down for promotions a couple of times and I just don’t think I had the right personality to go any further. Not sure if I’ve peaked or not!

I look at those I was at school and university with who have achieved what would be greater success in work, and am not envious. My health and being secure is much more important.

The other way round for me. I was a child who hates school and didn’t do well academically at all. Bullied and just hated it

i went into become an engineer working with famous people and weren’t more than most people do at 21! I think we put too much onto academia. I thought the same till I had my kids and saw how a school environment nearly did them in and I took them out. We now travel the world and study at the same time. Can’t beat it.

Yeah I'm an underachiever

And it's because I was told I was really clever when I was younger

I didn't feel the need to try

Very similar here. Excelled at school, hated college so didn't do well. Took a year out, went to uni, loved that, did well. Went into the workforce and although I am doing pretty well, I am not the right kind of personality to go much "higher" in the ranks than I am now. Much too likely to speak my mind and call people out (currently awaiting being pulled into a meeting for telling someone very senior off. They deserved it and needed to hear the feedback but it's not what you do is it). But I'm happy. I love my life as it is. So being a higher achiever career wise would cost me too much in my personal life and bring no more happiness than I currently have.