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Original poster

DC used a racist slur - how to deal with it?

71 replies

AshamedToday · 11/12/2023 16:20

My year 6 child used a racist slur towards his friend today when they were having an argument.

They have admitted it their teacher and that they knew it was racist. They certainly did know as it is something we have discussed when discussing racism!

I have not long found out and am so ashamed. The other child's parent has passed on reassurance to me through the teacher - that he knows there was no malice, that the kids are good friends and that the other child doesn't know the link between what was said and racism. I am mortified. The poor child and parents should not have to deal with that - having to have that conversation and the child now knowing that link because of something my child said. I am appalled.

I have to pick my child up shortly and I have no idea how to deal with it. Punishment, education or both? Letting DC know how ashamed we are?

They have never before said or done anything racist. I thought we had done an ok job so far of educating them but clearly not! It was only recently that we discussed standing up for people or telling a teacher if they heard anything - being anti racist.

Any suggestions on age appropriate programmes or books about racism would be appreciated

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 11/12/2023 16:26

I feel for you but I doubt he will do it again as you and his teacher have spoken about it. I've no doubt he didn't mean it, kids pick words up and use them in banter, to tease, etc. Teenagers and young chaps are worse, especially in all male environments, not just racist words but outdated words for disabled and the like.

As long as parents and older people do not condone and certainly do not laugh, and tell them they are wrong, they get the message and outgrow it.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 11/12/2023 19:41

I’d talk to him first and hear his side. It’s likely that he will not say anything you don’t already know but at least you will be listening to him. He made a mistake, a big one, but you can help him learn from this.

PubicZirconia · 11/12/2023 19:53

It's not a reflection of your parenting OP, you sound very aware and proactive.

Seems like your DC said something without grasping the gravitas of it..I would have a v. firm discussion but I also wouldn't make a meal out of it. Yr 6 (so DC is 10-11?) in my mind are not little adults - they're kids that mess up as they learn.

Use it as a teaching moment perhaps, make sure it's clear that we NEVER use such words but I wouldn't overthink it as a one off.

Jellycats4life · 11/12/2023 19:56

So they’re only 10 or 11?

I’m not excusing the behaviour, but it sounds like an impulsive act by a child, in anger, who lacks the maturity and insight to really understand the power of a racist word.

PubicZirconia · 11/12/2023 19:57

Just to add,I had to have a similar dicussion with my 7 year old who EXH apparently 'told him' that women can't run as fast, aren't as clever as men etc.

We had a frank talk about what sexism is,but it did open a worthwhile conversation.

Bales23 · 11/12/2023 20:10

Jellycats4life · 11/12/2023 19:56

So they’re only 10 or 11?

I’m not excusing the behaviour, but it sounds like an impulsive act by a child, in anger, who lacks the maturity and insight to really understand the power of a racist word.

The OP says it has been discussed with the child, and they know it's a racist word. So it's safe to assume the child knowingly used the word in order to hurt the other child's feelings. That sounds like malicious intent to me.

What I find odd is that the parents of the child who was insulted felt the need to reassure the parents of the offender.

Whilst they have to comfort their child and try to explain the concept of being on the receiving end of racism, they also feel the need to placate the offending child's parents to show ....what exactly??????

MoMandaS · 11/12/2023 20:15

Where are you really from? By Adam Rutherford is excellent for this age group.

DojaPhat · 11/12/2023 20:21

The shocking thing in all this is that the other child at 10? years old is unaware of the word's racist connotations and the child's parents passed on reassurances. How had you gone about educating your kid about racism?

lto2019 · 11/12/2023 20:47

I think as you have said they are aware that what was said was a slur and so was deliberate - after you establish their side of events - it reads like they have admitted it. For me, it would be punishment via loss of something - whether this is tv/ computer etc, further discussion about why it is absolutely never ok and a letter apologising to the other child.

autienotnaughty · 11/12/2023 21:00

I'm not normally a fan of punishment in the home for incidents that are disciplined in school.

But I would give a significant punishment such as loss of devices for a week. And have more conversations around racism and reading up on the subject.

Temporaryname158 · 11/12/2023 21:09

I think that your face at pick up will show you are ashamed and when they see you they will quickly get the message.

on the basis you have said it’s been discussed at home and they knew it was wrong and hurtful, they have said it knowing what it means and how the person will feel.

I think on that basis a consequence is needed. How will he apologise to his friend for this?

if it was me, further education at home would happen, watching some programs where people express how racism has affected them and also loss of a device or other treasured item. I’d also be checking his online access to ensure he wasn’t accessing anything online he shouldn’t be.

in my experience 10 year olds are far more worldly wise than we think and I’d be taking it very seriously

HomiesAlone · 11/12/2023 21:18

How did this happen? Out of curiosity? As in how did your chikd know the word? Was it the N word or the P word? I suppose the N word would be in songs but where would the P word come from?

If my child had a racial slur said to them I would be genuinely upset for my child and really sad for them. I would be angry we live in a world like this but I would think the other child is a terrible human. If I was in a judgmental mood and had previous experiences of bullying or similar I would typecast the child's family as ignorant and uneducated. My point is that if they're usually friends, I would be hurt but not cast your child as a "racist", just that he used a racist word and is young and learning.

I would probably have an open conversation with him about how serious it is and how disappointed you are, how you don't want to hear it again and leave it there. Hopefully a one off. I wouldn't go down a education route but that's my personal opinion.

Good luck OP. Hope you don't get flack on here for whatever reason.

CactusPat · 11/12/2023 21:19

I would come down like a ton of bricks for this, sorry.

Yes, to conversation, education etc etc as well, but absolutely a severe punishment and a total bollocking as well.

Moonwatcher1234 · 11/12/2023 21:20

OP, I think it’s clear you’re mortified and that is really a good sign. Don’t be too harsh on your boy as he has made an admittedly serious error but see this as something of a crossroads and you now need to steer him to the right track. Some people are being hard on you here but all we can do is educate our kids and correct them when they mess up. You’re doing this. Go easy on yourself.

DojaPhat · 11/12/2023 21:22

How was the incident reported to the teacher if the other child ostensibly didn't realise that there was any racist meaning behind any of what your child said? If I were the other kid I'd think my parents were out of order - ostensibly hearing about a racist school incident in which their child was the target and decide to pass on assurances with no insight into how and if it has affected their child suffice that their kid doesn't know what the word/s mean. It's all just so weird.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2023 21:22

A lot depends on how your kid talks about it afterwards. Genuinely repentant, thoughtful and remorseful? Education and a chat about how to manage anger and feelings so that this never happens again. Resentful and unrepentant? Several tons of bricks.

Myfabby · 11/12/2023 21:32

LBFseBrom · 11/12/2023 16:26

I feel for you but I doubt he will do it again as you and his teacher have spoken about it. I've no doubt he didn't mean it, kids pick words up and use them in banter, to tease, etc. Teenagers and young chaps are worse, especially in all male environments, not just racist words but outdated words for disabled and the like.

As long as parents and older people do not condone and certainly do not laugh, and tell them they are wrong, they get the message and outgrow it.

Racism isn't banter and you certainly don't outgrow it. Please don't minimize it.

OP, you sound genuinely worried, and I think it's a delicate balance between punishment and education. Reasonable punishment as you had educated him so he needs to learn actions have consequences.

Good luck with it all.

Jellycats4life · 11/12/2023 21:37

Bales23 · 11/12/2023 20:10

The OP says it has been discussed with the child, and they know it's a racist word. So it's safe to assume the child knowingly used the word in order to hurt the other child's feelings. That sounds like malicious intent to me.

What I find odd is that the parents of the child who was insulted felt the need to reassure the parents of the offender.

Whilst they have to comfort their child and try to explain the concept of being on the receiving end of racism, they also feel the need to placate the offending child's parents to show ....what exactly??????

Show quote history

Read my post again. At no point did I say there was no malice. Clearly there was malice - they were arguing - but I still think a kid of that age can throw a racist word out, to hurt and insult, without fully comprehending how bad that word is.

Hopefully he knows now because the OP has left him in no doubt as to how unacceptable it was.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2023 21:39

not just racist words but outdated words for disabled and the like

Some of them do. Which is why the girls in my DD's class have to put up with daily misogyny and homophobia with a smattering of racism and ableism. Which changes how the girls, those with disabilities, children of colour and lesbians feel about the world. It's formative to her. The world is hostile and unpleasant. At school FFS.

I've advised her to remember the boys who do this, make a list and remember. Forever. Good luck getting a date in your teens, idiots.

Devonshiregal · 11/12/2023 21:55

Wouldn’t come down on him like a tonne of bricks. He likely heard the word off someone else at school (find out if poss) and repeated it when he had an argument with them. If he didn’t get it at home he got it somewhere. But punishing isn’t going to do anything but make him see people with different skintones as “different”. Just be gentle and remember kids really don’t know the actual history and meaning of what it all means at that age

Myfabby · 11/12/2023 22:03

Devonshiregal · 11/12/2023 21:55

Wouldn’t come down on him like a tonne of bricks. He likely heard the word off someone else at school (find out if poss) and repeated it when he had an argument with them. If he didn’t get it at home he got it somewhere. But punishing isn’t going to do anything but make him see people with different skintones as “different”. Just be gentle and remember kids really don’t know the actual history and meaning of what it all means at that age

OP says in her 2nd sentence, they've discussed the slur. He didn't just hear the word and repeat it in an argument..

Original poster
AshamedToday · 11/12/2023 22:16

Myfabby · 11/12/2023 21:32

Racism isn't banter and you certainly don't outgrow it. Please don't minimize it.

OP, you sound genuinely worried, and I think it's a delicate balance between punishment and education. Reasonable punishment as you had educated him so he needs to learn actions have consequences.

Good luck with it all.

Show quote history

I entirely agree. Definitely not 'banter' and any racist, disablist or misogynistic language will not be tolerated as 'boys will be boys' in this house.

OP posts:
Original poster
AshamedToday · 11/12/2023 22:27

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2023 21:22

A lot depends on how your kid talks about it afterwards. Genuinely repentant, thoughtful and remorseful? Education and a chat about how to manage anger and feelings so that this never happens again. Resentful and unrepentant? Several tons of bricks.

He is certainly repentant and thoughtful about it, which I am at least relieved about.
There was no resistance from him at all when discussing it, which sometimes happens when being pulled up on behaviour etc
His remorse does seem genuine, thankfully

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 11/12/2023 22:32

Ignore the posters on here baying for his head on a plate OP. Boys at this age can be very immature and impulsive, and if the boys are still friends, and it sounds like they are, it could be it was something said in the moment with no thought for consequences. I’d just sit down with him and have a discussion. You sound like a lovely mum, who appreciates what was said was inappropriate, so I’m sure a conversation would work well.

Livelovebehappy · 11/12/2023 22:34

CactusPat · 11/12/2023 21:19

I would come down like a ton of bricks for this, sorry.

Yes, to conversation, education etc etc as well, but absolutely a severe punishment and a total bollocking as well.

Severe punishment??? What constitutes a severe punishment? Confused

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