DC used a racist slur - how to deal with it?

[AshamedToday]

My year 6 child used a racist slur towards his friend today when they were having an argument.

They have admitted it their teacher and that they knew it was racist. They certainly did know as it is something we have discussed when discussing racism!

I have not long found out and am so ashamed. The other child's parent has passed on reassurance to me through the teacher - that he knows there was no malice, that the kids are good friends and that the other child doesn't know the link between what was said and racism. I am mortified. The poor child and parents should not have to deal with that - having to have that conversation and the child now knowing that link because of something my child said. I am appalled.

I have to pick my child up shortly and I have no idea how to deal with it. Punishment, education or both? Letting DC know how ashamed we are?

They have never before said or done anything racist. I thought we had done an ok job so far of educating them but clearly not! It was only recently that we discussed standing up for people or telling a teacher if they heard anything - being anti racist.

Any suggestions on age appropriate programmes or books about racism would be appreciated

He’s a young boy, just a gentle reminder that it is wrong to call people names is all that is needed.

All this extra hand wringing is daft.

DS reported that he had been called a racial slur once. Turned out that he and this other boy had been passing racial insults back and forth in a game for some time while they were friends but had recently fallen out. DS is of asian heritage and his friend was black.

As far as I was concerned it was two teenage boys being stupid, not an act of actual hate or racism. I treated it the same as if he had been cruel or mean to his other friends.

Tell him you are sad and ashamed, and that he needs to apologise to you. Can the teacher give you some guidance about apologising to the other child?

Where did he learn the term he used?

But where did he hear the word or phrase he used, and how did he gain an understanding that this was an insult? That a physical characteristics or a certain ethnic heritage was something to use against another?

How did it happen that he had this verbal weapon in his arsenal?

Already answered

So he got the wrong end of the stick altogether when you discussed racism with him?

How did he not understand the overarching theme of your conversation? The moral dead end?

I'd be asking him to explain what his version of your discussion was. I'd ask him to recap what you said, in his own words.

He needs to show signs of being able to distinguish right from wrong here.

In my opinion, punishment is only useful if it gets the desired result. The desired result here is that when the child gets angry he does not reach for the cruelest thing to say and that he grows up knowing that variety is the spice of life and he should not discriminate against anyone on grounds of race, disability, etc.

I don't see anyone baying for blood. What I do see is minimising of racism and a few of you posters being very silly about a few others recommending sanction.

OP literally asked I have to pick my child up shortly and I have no idea how to deal with it. Punishment, education or both? Letting DC know how ashamed we are?

People responded to that- we have differing opinions.

Thankfully OP seems well equipped to handle it.

And? I like how you’ve been selective with the people you’ve mentioned. I’ve disliked a lot of people, in all walks of life and of all nationalities. Trust me, it’s a loooong list. Was a fan of MM before she chose to sell stories about the RF with her wet wipe husband (yes, I dislike him too. And he’s white). Dislike Nella because she was acting like a bully (and a lot of others agreed as she was voted out second), like Suella as she’s a strong woman who wants to get the job done (not sure why you think women can’t be strong in government? Even if you dislike her party). And the post about class exclusion, I was providing the poster with an alternative reason, as many others were doing. Thank you for looking me up though, I’m flattered, butI won’t return the favour. I can’t be arsed.

Don't flatter yourself. I didn't look you up. I was on most of those threads- the asian kids one was particularly jarring as you immediately concluded they weren't invited as asians stick together and never came to parties, so naturally they weren't invited anyone despite people pointing out the kids were 5, it was a brand new school year and there was no such history. Someone mentioned you said Boris Johnson wasn't racist. You also said elsewhere gollywogs aren't offensive or racist, you were very opposed to taking the knee and your posts are littered with 'the race card'.

You'd be silly if you think I believe your admiration of Suella is because she's strong.

I won't be engaging with a racist apologist anymore. Good luck with your life.

The above post is littered with lies. I’ve never mentioned gollywogs. Please link my post where I have ever mentioned them. I absolutely think they are racist and would not not condone anyony owning them. Also never mention the ‘race card’ in my posts. Your recollection of the Asian school children post is also incorrect. I see that you’re unhappy with my response on here, but please don’t make things up…. I also won’t be engaging with someone who thinks it’s okay to lie to get a point across.

No, you're the BLATANT liar and confirmed racist apologist. I've just done a quick search of your posts now and wish I hadn't . I would have never even attempted to engage. I will leave these here and not derail OP's thread any further.

You say you've never mentioned gollywogs, you absolutely think they are racist yet

Livelovebehappy · 24/02/2017 21:01

The doll itself isn't a racist toy, and was never made to depict black people in a negative light. It also has no links to black slavery at all - can't understand why people seem to think it has?? It was a character created for a children's book in the late 1800's and was loved and enjoyed by children of all races. It's the name itself which eventually took on a loosely veiled racist meaning, as black people were referred to as 'wogs' in a derogatory way, so over time the word started to be linked to the gollywog doll.

My recollection of Asian kids is incorrect is it? Yet you said

Livelovebehappy · 03/10/2023 21:24

But if the teacher was made aware, what could they do? Would they be able to enforce the omitted children be invited, or ban the party taking place, or report the parents to the authorities? Probably not. I know at my dds primary school where there were two Asian children in their class, they never accepted party invites, and eventually other parents just stopped inviting them. Has your ds declined other party invites?

You also said ;

I wouldn’t even give this head space. They were probably just idiots who just threw out the racist card as they weren’t intelligent enough to enter into any discussion about the obvious reasons for your concerns. You really can’t argue with stupid, so I would have just walked away with a shake of the head and parked the incident to the back of my mind.

Boris Johnson is NOT racist

I'll end now with your response about the Daily Fail-

You said in response to a OP lamenting the conduct of that rag of a newspaper

How low do you have to go to defend the Daily Fail???

Livelovebehappy · 08/03/2021 19:23

The press are not racist. They are closely regulated and you will not find racist comments made by any of the mainstream media publications. Stupid to suggest otherwise. We need the press to expose issues which are happening, which otherwise would be covered up and hidden.

As I said in my prior post- good luck!

Reading these comments, it must be nice to be white.

Ds has experienced racism at school as have other of his friends who are alsoblack. They are in grade 7. The first time was in grade 3.

It wasn't ok. It was a big deal. And it did affect how safe my child felt at school.

I'm shocked at the minimizing on here.

According to the OP she's been somewhat teaching her kids to be 'anti-racist', and stick up for other people or tell the teacher if they hear something. She's given her kids an 'education' within this remit of racism. Though she doesn't say exactly how she went about teaching her kids 'anti-racism', and the other kid has no idea that the offending word is indeed offensive.

Not so much. DD is female and bi. These same kids who say racist things say homophobic and misogynistic things as well. Plus added sexual harassment. Her best mate is Asian and they get comparable amounts of shit directed at them.

I think it's nice to be male, white, straight, preferably sporty and if possible rich, with an easy home life. Then you get to have a nice school experience.

The minimising is indeed shocking. It's interesting because most children know how serious racism is. DD certainly does. In her school it seems to always be a selection of popular boys and their toadies who do this. It's not universal, it's not all boys or all children or all anything. The same boys who get away with this get away with everything else too.

OP, I think you aren't minimising BTW. This post is directed at some of the other posters!

It is awful isn't it. Feel for your DD.

I can actually hack (most) discrimination- I think it's a combination of many years of being a uber minority, and now being middle aged and being preoccupied with lots of life stuff. Last week, someone left a note on my car at Waitrose asking me to learn how to park properly or go back to Rwanda. So presumably they saw me park, and cowardly left a note. I had a good laugh and binned the note. A few years ago, I would have been raging.

It's the racism towards my children I can't and don't tolerate at all.

OP I think it’s really sad that the other parents felt the need to reassure you. If you want to talk to your son, speak to him about the way his friend might be feeling. As an ethnic minority I can tell you that nobody ever forgets their first racist incident. Unfortunately, it is a right of passage moment that many BAME parents expect and dread. Just like being leered at is for teenage girls. It makes our children lose their innocence that much earlier because they realise that the world is not a fair place. We carry this with us - so no it isn’t just banter.

Last week, someone left a note on my car at Waitrose asking me to learn how to park properly or go back to Rwanda.

What a dick. And a coward as well. Like, all the trouble to find a piece of paper and a pen and you use your energy to be unkind.

Use your powers for good, people!

Spoiler: we are different. What you just said was dangerously close to the tired old cliche of ‘children don’t see colour’. Of course they do and so they should (as should adults)! The point is difference is real and it should be celebrated not ignored.

Why did you wake up a year-old thread to post that?

Because I was searching a specific term after experiencing something very similar (yesterday) and found this thread. I ‘woke it up ‘because sadly, the issues raised are just as pertinent now as they were a year ago and well …. it’s as frustrating as it is depressing. If this isn’t something you have to confront and manage on a daily basis then I’m very happy for you. I wish that was the case for everyone.