Page 2 | DC used a racist slur - how to deal with it?

AshamedToday · 2023-12-11T16:20:38+00:00

My year 6 child used a racist slur towards his friend today when they were having an argument. They have admitted it their teacher and that they knew it was racist. They certainly did know as it is something we have discussed when discussing racism! I have not long found out and am so ashamed. The other child's parent has passed on reassurance to me through the teacher - that he knows there was no malice, that the kids are good friends and that the other child doesn't know the link between what was said and racism. I am mortified. The poor child and parents should not have to deal with that - having to have that conversation and the child now knowing that link because of something my child said. I am appalled. I have to pick my child up shortly and I have no idea how to deal with it. Punishment, education or both? Letting DC know how ashamed we are? They have never before said or done anything racist. I thought we had done an ok job so far of educating them but clearly not! It was only recently that we discussed standing up for people or telling a teacher if they heard anything - being anti racist. Any suggestions on age appropriate programmes or books about racism would be appreciated

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 11/12/2023 22:40

I'm in the ton of bricks camp too. But also an abject apology to his friend.

It was deliberate and when his friend is older and more worldly wise he will
understand that his friend meant to hurt him and went about it in an unconscionable way. He needs to remember it by remembering how sorry his friend was that a row got out of hand and he resorted to such a low.

Your son will remember this apology for the rest of his life.

Personally it would be a total device and PlayStation etc ban until Christmas Eve at a minimum . It would be a month here if Christmas wasn't in a couple of weeks.

Myfabby · 11/12/2023 22:54

Livelovebehappy · 11/12/2023 22:34

Severe punishment??? What constitutes a severe punishment?

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well for one in many schools using a racist slur is an immediate suspension and depending on prior conduct, explusion.

So, yes he should be punished. I don't think a conversation is enough especially as OP has had previous convos. He's not ignorant.

Livelovebehappy · 12/12/2023 00:02

Myfabby · 11/12/2023 22:54

well for one in many schools using a racist slur is an immediate suspension and depending on prior conduct, explusion.

So, yes he should be punished. I don't think a conversation is enough especially as OP has had previous convos. He's not ignorant.

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Give over. Op has said this type of incident never happened before, therefore a discussion should be fine. Expelling a child is a last resort punishment, and this incident doesn’t come close to justify her son being excluded/expelled.

Myfabby · 12/12/2023 00:39

Livelovebehappy · 12/12/2023 00:02

Give over. Op has said this type of incident never happened before, therefore a discussion should be fine. Expelling a child is a last resort punishment, and this incident doesn’t come close to justify her son being excluded/expelled.

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no, you give over. First of all read and comprehend. I never suggested he should be expelled.

More importantly, there's a pattern with you, hate MM, hate Nella Rose, love Suella, was trying to gaslight another OP whose son and 2 asian others were excluded out of a whole class party.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2023 01:25

Livelovebehappy · 11/12/2023 22:32

Ignore the posters on here baying for his head on a plate OP. Boys at this age can be very immature and impulsive, and if the boys are still friends, and it sounds like they are, it could be it was something said in the moment with no thought for consequences. I’d just sit down with him and have a discussion. You sound like a lovely mum, who appreciates what was said was inappropriate, so I’m sure a conversation would work well.

The 'boys will be boys' defense. The world has gone to hell because of this.

chappoi · 12/12/2023 01:59

@MrsTerryPratchett I have boys but boys mess up or make mistakes like girls do, and it's my job to educate them and realise and learn from mistakes. There's no excuse for any child to make another child feel bad

Bbq1 · 12/12/2023 02:05

A child of 10 or 11 would know what they were saying when using a racist slur. It was maliciously used to hurt and insult. Your child needs both educating and punishing as in there should be consequences for such poor behaviour. What are the consequences you are putting into place?

Oblomov23 · 12/12/2023 05:41

As a minor issue, The other thing to talk about is the 'friendship', are they really friends? What makes us hurt or angry that we want to lash out or hurt. How does hurting someone really benefit us. And the sad realisation that we've let ourselves down, and that saying sorry afterwards doesn't really cover it /cut it actually.

Sannnntaaaaaaaaaaaaiknowhim · 12/12/2023 05:46

Personally @AshamedToday I’d remind your child that it’s a racially aggravated public order offence, that he’s over 10 years old and “ could “ technically be interviewed by the police about it. He’s over the age of criminal responsibility now and he needs to take account for his actions.

renomeno · 12/12/2023 07:31

"the other child doesn't know the link between what was said and racism."

Curious about this?

Also are the boys of the same ethnicity? We had to have the conversation that some of their friends could use names/words towards each other that they should never use, but at a younger age this must be pretty confusing...

readymealeater · 12/12/2023 07:38

I think looking into managing temper/anger would be helpful too. If he hadn't let his temper get out of hand, he likely would never have said what he said.

Obviously, the insult is very wrong and has to be dealt with appropriately and so on.

But leaving racism aside, if a child was disabled or perhaps had a father in prison or indeed anything that could be picked on, presumably your son would have resorted to some cutting remark in order to "win" if an argument got out of hand?

So I think, at bottom, it's anger control that needs to be learned here.

Original poster

AshamedToday · 12/12/2023 09:22

readymealeater · 12/12/2023 07:38

I think looking into managing temper/anger would be helpful too. If he hadn't let his temper get out of hand, he likely would never have said what he said.

Obviously, the insult is very wrong and has to be dealt with appropriately and so on.

But leaving racism aside, if a child was disabled or perhaps had a father in prison or indeed anything that could be picked on, presumably your son would have resorted to some cutting remark in order to "win" if an argument got out of hand?

So I think, at bottom, it's anger control that needs to be learned here.

That's a good point, as DC has admitted they were angry when they said it. Thanks

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 12/12/2023 10:32

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2023 01:25

The 'boys will be boys' defense. The world has gone to hell because of this.

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Of course 'boys will be boys' is no defence. Op says this hasn't happened before. The other boy's parents have been forgiving, so they clearly know ops son's character. I'm making the point people on here are totally overreacting with the 'severe' punishment comments. Op comes across as an intelligent person who knows her son and shouldn't be prodded by people on MN into totally inappropriate punishment.

Original poster

AshamedToday · 12/12/2023 11:43

Thanks everyone for your replies.

To answer a few points, without getting into the specifics, it wasn't an N or P type word, but something a little less obvious, which could have equally be said to someone white and not have been an issue. That is why the other child didn't understand it as racist. (it makes me extremely sad that they now do know and understand it due to my child)

They are friends and have spent time together v occasionally outside school. Both quite strong willed characters so they argued.

The other child's parents and I have been in touch, and they and the child have forgiven mine. I am in awe of them and will try to remember this if someone ever wrongs my child or me in some way.

DC is very remorseful. I know they feel like shit and ashamed which we are supporting them through but letting them experience. They understand the natural consequences to their actions, the actual and potential ones.

We have put a consequence in place, albeit not the 'severe' one some think we should.

I hope we have struck the balance between punishment, discussion, education and letting them feel the natural consequence of their actions.

OP posts:

Cas112 · 12/12/2023 13:12

Devonshiregal · 11/12/2023 21:55

Wouldn’t come down on him like a tonne of bricks. He likely heard the word off someone else at school (find out if poss) and repeated it when he had an argument with them. If he didn’t get it at home he got it somewhere. But punishing isn’t going to do anything but make him see people with different skintones as “different”. Just be gentle and remember kids really don’t know the actual history and meaning of what it all means at that age

Doesn't mean its acceptable though

The minimising off some parents here explains a lot. Racism in any way shape or form, for ANY reason isn't acceptable and DOES need appropriate reactions such as 'coming down on him like a tonne of bricks'

Winederlust · 12/12/2023 13:41

readymealeater · 12/12/2023 07:38

I think looking into managing temper/anger would be helpful too. If he hadn't let his temper get out of hand, he likely would never have said what he said.

Obviously, the insult is very wrong and has to be dealt with appropriately and so on.

But leaving racism aside, if a child was disabled or perhaps had a father in prison or indeed anything that could be picked on, presumably your son would have resorted to some cutting remark in order to "win" if an argument got out of hand?

So I think, at bottom, it's anger control that needs to be learned here.

Totally agree with this.
Children, when angry and lashing out, will often just think of the worst insult to throw out to the person they're fighting with. It could equally have been weight, hair colour, disability, family background, anything. Obviously with race it has more serious connotations however this smacks of losing control of emotions and lashing out with something they know will be hurtful rather than actual racist intent.

Sounds like you've dealt with it brilliantly tbh OP but yes, lessons in controlling anger would be beneficial I think.

SleepPrettyDarling · 12/12/2023 13:45

I think he knows he was wrong, and I’d give him the benefit of the doubt that he reached for a word and picked the wrong one, which has consequences, made someone else feel bad, got a talking to, and has a lesson to learn. Could you ask him to make a card or write a letter, or buy a small gift, by way of a tangible gesture that takes his time, reflection, and effort (and pocket money) to make better?

IdaPolly · 12/12/2023 13:49

I think you are reacting in the right way. Some parents would deny it happened or try and minimise it or make up something the other child had done etc. I think with you backing up the school, apologising and expressing your disappointment your ds will get the message.

renomeno · 12/12/2023 14:42

If it's not an obvious one, where did your child hear it? Or know to use it in that context?

I think that's pretty important in regards to how to deal with the situation...

Original poster

AshamedToday · 12/12/2023 14:55

renomeno · 12/12/2023 14:42

If it's not an obvious one, where did your child hear it? Or know to use it in that context?

I think that's pretty important in regards to how to deal with the situation...

Because we have had conversations about racism before. About slavery, about a colleagues experiences compared with my own. We have discussed some of the ways in which people are racially abused. About systemic racism.

He has certainly NOT heard people being racist at home.

The words used are not in themselves offensive but in the context used they are

OP posts:

Original poster

AshamedToday · 12/12/2023 15:02

Winederlust · 12/12/2023 13:41

Totally agree with this.
Children, when angry and lashing out, will often just think of the worst insult to throw out to the person they're fighting with. It could equally have been weight, hair colour, disability, family background, anything. Obviously with race it has more serious connotations however this smacks of losing control of emotions and lashing out with something they know will be hurtful rather than actual racist intent.

Sounds like you've dealt with it brilliantly tbh OP but yes, lessons in controlling anger would be beneficial I think.

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I think this is it. They were arguing, 6 of one etc, and he was angry. Lashed out to emotionally hurt, knowing it was wrong, but without fully realising the gravity of it. I'm sure he does now!

We have talked about what he could have done - walked away - but controlling anger and not reacting are things to focus on

OP posts:

iklboo · 12/12/2023 15:10

I feel for you but I doubt he will do it again as you and his teacher have spoken about it. I've no doubt he didn't mean it, kids pick words up and use them in banter, to tease, etc. Teenagers and young chaps are worse, especially in all male environments, not just racist words but outdated words for disabled and the like.

What the frig? What year is this? Racist, ableist, 'and the like' are 'banter' and used to 'tease'?

The fuck they are. There is NO excuse for using them. We really need to stamp out the 'boys will be boys', 'ah it's just teens & young chaps' (chaps??)' mindset. It's ridiculous, outdated & enabling / condoning this shit.

OP it sounds like you've handled this pretty well.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 12/12/2023 15:19

Bbq1 · 12/12/2023 02:05

A child of 10 or 11 would know what they were saying when using a racist slur. It was maliciously used to hurt and insult. Your child needs both educating and punishing as in there should be consequences for such poor behaviour. What are the consequences you are putting into place?

What happens in school gets punished in school.

Education, not consequences, happens at home.

The OP's son is 10. While that is the age of criminal responsibility in England and Wales, it isn't anywhere else in Europe. There is a reason for that and it is relevant to this as well.

The OP has made clear to him why being racist or any other sort of slur based on protected characteristics such as sex or disability is so wrong.

By the way, this is CHAT not AIBU so those of you baying for blood can stop.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 12/12/2023 15:20

What the frig? What year is this? Racist, ableist, 'and the like' are 'banter' and used to 'tease?

Well yes in the real world they are, and are dealt with accordingly.

Do you really think this never happens?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2023 15:26

enchantedsquirrelwood · 12/12/2023 15:20

What the frig? What year is this? Racist, ableist, 'and the like' are 'banter' and used to 'tease?

Well yes in the real world they are, and are dealt with accordingly.

Do you really think this never happens?

It happens because we behave as if it isn't important. But it makes a toxic environment for anyone who isn't a white, straight male.

Do we really want 'banter' to involve socialising every other child to believe they are the butt of jokes, unimportant and lesser?