Difficulties with “adult” children still in school

[Fedupfedupfedupfedup]

It feels so hard. At 18 my DD is technically an adult but she is in sixth form and still acts like a child. Maybe if she was in college it would be different?

Surely if she was in full time employment or doing an apprenticeship she would act more mature? It’s like she’s trapped between childhood and adulthood.

I feel like even though she is 18 and can vote, get married, get a job etc because she’s still in school she acts like an immature little girl.

She doesn’t have a part time job which doesn’t help. Despite all her friends having a job she refuses to get one even though I’ve told her if she wants to go to university next year she needs to start earning and saving money.

We’ve just had a row where she swore at me, basically told me what a rubbish parent I am all because I asked her if she’s had any university offers ( form sent off to UCAS last week). I actually think I’m a good parent supporting her financially and emotionally so ended up losing my temper with her and now feel rubbish. I told her if things are so bad at home to leave.

I find it hard navigating the fact she is 18 but in school and doesn’t seem to want to grow up. I’m still picking her up from school, doing her washing and cooking her dinner. Maybe I need to stop so she’s forced to do things for herself,

She might be scared to break away. When she leaves school it will likely improve. Maybe spend some time with her building her confidence and showing her she can be independent. Small achievements will help her to see she's capable of doing things herself.

Unless it's a particularly perilous journey I'd stop dropping and fetching her to and from school, get her a bus pass for 3 months and tell her she has to fund it herself after that.
She can do her own washing, I was doing mine at 11 and she can definitely cook once or twice a week, even if it's just for herself.

When children turn 18 they don’t magically become fully formed adults.

Is there a reason why she doesn’t want a job, like if she is worried it will interfere with school? I wouldn’t personally force a child to work while they are still at school - that’s what a parent is for - to cover expensive until they finish school.

Could you daughter be upset and worried about offers/ hence snapping at you when you pressed her?

Perhaps your delivery was a bit negative and she needs you to be a bit gentle with her during this transition.

My parents made me get a job etc, tbh it was a massive distraction from school, oftentimes kids also get a taste for money and decide to quit uni for a dead end retail/bar job. I didn’t do this but I definitely worked/went to uni with people who did.

@PTSDBarbiegirl I completely agree

My dc were all 18 when they finished school. I certainly didn't expect (or get) a sudden maturing to adulthood on their 18th birthdays. They were alk studying hard for final school exams so I continued to do washing, cooking etc.

In my experience, the maturity happened when they went to uni. While they are at school, they are still basically schoolkids.

If she is still in school she is still a child. It doesn’t matter that she has turned 18. She doesn’t magically become an adult because of the calendar. Your job is to teach her to become an adult.

It is also your job to support her through her education, including university. She has some responsibility once she moves to the university level, but that doesn’t absolve you of your parenting role.

I didn’t expect her to magically mature over night but I do expect her to act a little bit more mature. If she wants to go to university she will need money. All her friends work one or two days a week but DD refuses because she is busy out having fun NOT revising or doing school work.

I guess I’m just sick of an 18 year old speaking to me like dirt and talking back. It’s like she has zero respect for me and although wants to be treated like a little girl swears and argues back like an adult.

Don’t you remember being 18, @Fedupfedupfedupfedup ? It’s pretty scary. So much pressure from the entire planet for you to suddenly be a knowledgeable, reasonable, responsible adult - when the only thing you actually know is how to be a child …

I’m a bit out of the loop with UCAS offers - would you be expecting offers quite yet?

Yes lots of her friends have had offers and I was telling her she will get lots of offers as she is academically doing so well. I e never put pressure on her and been very clear I will be proud of her whatever A level grades she gets. I do worry she is trying to emulate me as I have good A Levels, degree etc but I’ve never put her under pressure.

How is she funding all the fun she is having. If its coming from you then maybe easing off on the handouts might give her the motivation to earn some money.

Where does she get money from for socialising? If you’re acting like her skivvy, fetching and carrying her, giving her pocket money and doing all her cooking and laundry, of course she will want to continue behaving like a child. Why would she want a job when she’s living the life of Riley without one? By 18 she can do her own laundry and ironing, and cook the odd meal. She can get the bus or walk. She’s got it too easy.

I dont think its about her being 18 and suddnely having to behave respectfully

DD is 15, she has a saturday job as she wanted more money than her pocket money - totally her choice.
She cooks dinner a couple of nights a week because she wants to
She often does her own washing (there is 5 of us so she is probably sick of having to wait for me to get to her stuff in the pile!)
All 3 kids have to do chores like empty and fill the dishwasher, sort the recycling etc.

I think if you have not brought her up to not talk back etc then it will be hard to break that habit now.

We fund her lifestyle. So as an 18 year old she is out every weekend, going to festivals, concerts, weekends away etc all funded by me. This is what I find so hard. She is an adult with an adult lifestyle funded by me but still wants her dinner cooked, picked up from school etc and loved shouting and arguing with me!

It's not easy being 18 and making the leap from childhood to adulthood, but I can assure you of this, I would never have allowed my kids to get away with treating me the way your daughter is treating you. Not in a million fucking years would I have tolerated that. The phone, the free money, the maid services, all of that would come to a screeching halt.

She may be only 18, but there is no excuse for behaviour like that. If she wants to be a mardy arsehole who's mad at the world, that's fine, she can do so alone in her room. You are 100% enabling her to be a spoilt little madam.

Step back and take a breath. You need to start making her take responsibility, so give her an allowance, you decide what that might be and then tell her it is gone there is no more until next month. Pay for basics and if she wants better she either saves or works for it. It is time to put boundaries in place and respect must be there on both sodes.

Yes an allowance really helped my children to budget and learn about living within their means. They had very part time jobs in retail, pennies really.

I carried on cooking as it was easier on household finances.

Explain to her that she is old enough now to do her own laundry and stop taking/collecting her from school from January.

We fund her lifestyle. So as an 18 year old she is out every weekend, going to festivals, concerts, weekends away etc all funded by me. This is what I find so hard. She is an adult with an adult lifestyle funded by me but still wants her dinner cooked, picked up from school etc and loved shouting and arguing with me!

Well that's the issue isn't it. These things need modelling before 18. I left school at 17 (turned 18 just before I started University) and whilst I had a generous allowance it was given monthly and if I didn't budget, I couldnt go out. Swearing at either parent would have had consequences. I was expected to walk or jog home from school, cook dinner at least once a week and walk my dog multiple times per week. I didn't have a "proper" job whilst I was at school but I did a lot of well paid babysitting for a variety of people including teachers.

Why are you picking her up from school? How far is it?

Why are you funding her lifestyle. It would be one thing to treat her to tickets for something every now and again but not carte Blanche to do exactly what she wants especially with that attitude.
Over the holidays when you are relaxed explain that she needs to step up a bit. Do her own washing & get herself to & from school. Add in something new every month.
I do this with mine- in the new year they are each going to cook for all of us once a week ( they usually just cook for themselves) they are not perfect but they could survive if I wasn't around 🤷‍♀️
And I think you have that responsibility to teach that as well as support through education.
But above all stop accepting the attitude and stop the unchecked cash flow x

If she’s off to uni then of course she needs to practice laundry, cooking etc
It sounds like you are in a vicious circle. You treat her like she’s much younger so she acts much younger.
If she’s got a broken leg then she needs a lift but why are you ferrying her etc ? You’re on the fast track to her going to uni and phoning you to pick up her laundry. Do her a favour and start her on adult stuff like that now. Have you considered cutting her allowance so she can’t socialise so much? Having little money is why my year 13 son works.

At 18, she still hasn't really finished growing up but she needs to start making that transition. I have a late summer baby in Y13 so am in a similar place to you.

DD applied to UCAS last week but her offers seem to be much slower than most of her friends. I'm not asking about offers yet as there is nothing she can do about it now and I know she's already feeling a little stressed about that.

DH works shifts and I work long days so DD is expected to get herself home from school and to whatever evening activities she wants to do by herself. She is also expected to cook her own dinner in the evening as I don't get home in time (although that is quite often just doing some veg and rice to go with whatever DH cooked before he went to work).

I don't give her pocket money. I buy the basics and she is expected to work to fund her lifestyle beyond that. She has an older brother already at uni, and equally I top up his loan to enable him to live but if he wants to have a more expensive lifestyle he has to fund that himself by working.

If I were you, I would start trying to encourage some more independent living ready for when she goes to uni. Stop picking her up from school and cut right down on the allowance you give her.

Why should she change after 18 years if nobody (you) gives her any incentive? So sit down and have a calm discussion. Say you have realised you're still treating her like a child and that you want to give her more independence. Agree a weekly or monthly allowance and stick to it - include clothing, toiletries and social life. Doing her own laundry, cleaning her bedroom, cooking sometimes, are all skills she will need soon. If you emphasise that you are trying to treat her more like an adult you can then challenge her behaviour if she's rude to you.

Festivals, concerts and weekends away EVERY weekend funded by you? Wtf? Why???? She doesn't need any this for goodness sake, this is crazy! How does she get you to part with the money for it? Does she say all her friends get it? Because they really, really don't, or if they do, it'll be managed from a budget of some sort.

So boundaries. You can't just drop them in having had so few in the past. Give her warning: from January she transports herself to school. Also put an allowance in place and stick to it. I mean ideally she would get some kind of work, but Rome wasn't built in a day and all that.

I don't think Uni offers are all out yet. Oxbridge, medical schools and conservatoires are the earliest I think - but I'm sure someone one will be along in a minute with up to date info. Her defensiveness on this might be because she thinks she's messed up the application or something btw, so tread carefully.

I think you are perhaps conflating her attitude and your perception of what “adulthood” should bring.

First off, she’s not an “adult” as such. She’s a kid at school with no means or opportunity to live independently. Throwing threats around about leaving is just silly and I think you know that.

Shes under a lot of pressure / expectation and facing the reality of essentially leaving home within the year. Don’t you remember how that felt? Heap on top of that all the social / romantic stuff going on - it’s a LOT. Parents of older teens are very much the emotional sponge, the target of venting and acting out about things which may not even involve you. It comes with the territory to a certain extent.

This does not excuse the backchat, you should have set expectations about this years ago tbh, make your feelings known again now.

Give her a break on the job front, that’s her choice. But give her an allowance, with clear understanding of what is supposed to cover (we said personal toiletries, non uniform clothes except underwear, socialising including tickets to gigs etc). If the amount you come to doesn’t cover the things she wants to do then that might encourage her to earn it herself.

Also she should be doing her own laundry and keeping her space clean. Just stop doing it.

And at all times remember this will PASS ☺️

I'd cut that right out I'd give her pocket money so she has to save for her lifestyle how much approx are you giving her ? you say you want her to mature and she will but you have to stop indulging her. you don't have to justify yourself to her just say you in the new year you will be giving her x amount of pocket money monthly and she has to sort herself out with what you give her.