Difficulties with “adult” children still in school

[Fedupfedupfedupfedup]

It feels so hard. At 18 my DD is technically an adult but she is in sixth form and still acts like a child. Maybe if she was in college it would be different?

Surely if she was in full time employment or doing an apprenticeship she would act more mature? It’s like she’s trapped between childhood and adulthood.

I feel like even though she is 18 and can vote, get married, get a job etc because she’s still in school she acts like an immature little girl.

She doesn’t have a part time job which doesn’t help. Despite all her friends having a job she refuses to get one even though I’ve told her if she wants to go to university next year she needs to start earning and saving money.

We’ve just had a row where she swore at me, basically told me what a rubbish parent I am all because I asked her if she’s had any university offers ( form sent off to UCAS last week). I actually think I’m a good parent supporting her financially and emotionally so ended up losing my temper with her and now feel rubbish. I told her if things are so bad at home to leave.

I find it hard navigating the fact she is 18 but in school and doesn’t seem to want to grow up. I’m still picking her up from school, doing her washing and cooking her dinner. Maybe I need to stop so she’s forced to do things for herself,

You're falling down on your job as a parent. It's up to parents to teach children how to be independent adults. How do you plan to go about that?

She sounds like a normal eighteen year old to me, ie going to school, parties at weekend etc. there’s plenty of time to grow up.

I still took my dc to school, did their washing, cooking etc. in six form. To be honest, most parents I know did. As others have said, they don’t morph into a fully fledged adult on the stroke of midnight on their eighteenth birthday.

You say you find her lifestyle, that’s also pretty normal for parent to do also. If you want her to get a job, don’t give her so much money!

My dc did occasional cooking, cleaning etc but we ramped it up in the long summer break between six form and uni.

I'm sorry you feel like this but no-one has been particularly mean and have given you advice. your Dd is being mean to you because she feels she can you are allowed to stand up to her and still be a good parent which nobody said you weren't.

Sorry, that's rubbish in my experience.
My DS put in his UCAS form in the last week and had confirmation of receipt of application from all the individual Universities (not UCAS) within 24 hours and his first offer this morning. And plenty of his friends have also received offers within a week.
I'm not asking much myself because I'm pretty sure DS will keep me updated anyway, but it's nonsense to suggest that nobody gets offers that quickly.

Not saying this in a judgemental way op but she does sound quite pampered and spoilt. You will need gradually start to introduce jobs for her to do and train her to adult a bit more. You just need to pick one or two things at a time for her to start doing e.g. Do her own washing, catch the bus to school, part fund expensive nights out etc. If she wants to go to a festival she must get a job and contribute or you won't pay anything. Pick things that won't be of consequences to you. So don't immediately jump to cook dinner for the family twice a week. Definitely, don't accept rudeness on that level. Do you pay her phone bill? Speak to her and let her know that if she speaks to you that way again you'll be withdrawing the mobile phone payments or even confiscating the phone which as she doesn't have a job I assume you paid for. Obviously, it's a bit tricky as she's 18 and you probably should have fought some of these battles throughout the teen years.

I wouldn't accept your daughter's rudeness, op, and would ask her to clean and tidy her room, maybe fill and empty dishwasher sometimes and sort her own personal laundry. She does need to show some respect for you and for her home. She enjoys a free and easy lifestyle, which is good and something I wish I had been allowed to have, but a few concessions would not go amiss.

However, as she is still in education, I wouldn't expect her to be a fully fledged adult at eighteen. Some youngsters aren't at 21! Others are virtually middle aged in their teens. They vary so much.

Getting stroppy with parents is usual for young people, they don't mean it and it does pass. I remember what I was like at 18 - I'll say no more.

working does help children mature, however I understand not wanting to work while studying. However the natural consequence of not working is that she will have less money and that’s just tough.

more importantly she needs to get to grips with some basic life skills urgently. Spend time showing her how to put the washing machine on and catch the bus, then leave her to sort her self out and don’t get involved in clothes washing or lifts. She should also have a cooking night, where she cooks for the family. The natural consequence of not pulling her weight is dirty clothes, being stranded and going hungry.

You are getting advice from parents who have lived through this and come out the other end, it’s a shame you see that as “vile abuse” - it really isn’t. In fact many have reassured you that your daughter is not out of the ordinary and suggested ways in which you can crate healthy boundaries to help you both navigate this tricky time. Parenting is a constant learning experience even when the kids become adults - mine are in their twenties now and I am constantly coming up against scenarios where I’m not sure what to do!

I thought I was so grown up at 18 but look back and really, I was still very child like. I employ lots of teens and they really are immature.

Let her start uni and get a big bag of popcorn, DD started this September, she told me that now she gets it, Christmas is hard, spending money (that she work for) for presents for other people 😂, cooking every night, doing her own laundry (called today saying her clothes shrunk in the dryer) you will be shocked how fast they will grow! But I get you though, it is frustrating to see her not getting the messages you trying to send her.

Okay then. Crack on.

This

She's probably stressed and worried about unis and her school work and it felt like nagging. Don't you remember that feeling that parents and teachers were always on your back about something and they won't just leave you in peace. Do you share good news and chat and compliment her or just ask questions that feel like interrogations?

If you're only resentful about doing stuff for her because she is moody I don't think that 'you're not nice to me so I'm not going to be nice to you either' tit for tat dynamic is healthy or fair when you're the parent of a teen (even if she is legally an adult, she doesn't have the powers or responsibilities of one yet so give her a break). If you have strong feelings about what she says (which is natural and human) talk to your friends or therapists or journal about it but don't expect her to be nurturing you and managing your emotions ~ parents who do that create anxious wreck people pleasing offspring. Don't expect her to have the emotional regulation and social skills that a lot of adults lack just because she is 18.

If you want to stop doing her chores for her, rather than telling her it's a punishment I would introduce it gradually saying to get you ready for uni I'm going to show you how the washing machine works. Let's do it together a couple of times first. Then agree days when you'll both use it and get her to come up with a reminder about when to do it. Expect mistakes and her needing help at first and introduce other new chores gradually and kindly (not as a punishment) - it's a lot to go from doing nothing domestically to everything during her final A level year. Xmas holidays might be a good time to start learning and getting her to do a little more though.

Ok so for this I think she can earn tokens for lifts and events by doing extra chores. If she doesn't like that she can advertise her babysitting services.

Can I ask another question- are you a bit jealous of her? You sound it

I would keep the lifts up until February when it's light out unless the journey to school is very safe

Oh another one - telling her she can just move out - she sounds like a popular social butterfly I don't think she's find it hard to find a 28 year old boyfriend to shack up with. How would you feel if you pushed her into doing that?

Start new year new routine.

Whereas going to a job might be a big leap perhaps try: you want to go to this concert that's X2 making dinner and cleaning up a week for 3 weeks, tidy bedroom and clean a bathroom once a week. Type thing.

Completely agree on the job front, you are doing her no favours. I worked for a long time in an industry which employed a lot of younger people. The ones who’d started working between 16-18 were more mature, experienced, had a much better work ethic, than those trying to get their first job while at uni.

Pay for her basics (toiletries etc) - you’re her parent - but I absolutely wouldn’t be giving her money to go on nights out or to festivals!!! Me and my friends would have had to work and save up for that, save birthday money. Once I was working and demonstrating a bit of understanding about money my dad would sometimes give me a £10 for a taxi or a drink.

It is possible to get an offer in less than a week @SisterMichaelsHabit @Wilkolampshade - my DS got his first offer 5 days after submitting his UCAS application.

She isn't going to behave more responsibly while you still treat her as a child, washing and cooking for her isn't doing her any favours!

I think you need to stop giving her money. Tell her that if she wants to go out, she needs to fund herself. I would cook for her in that if you cook a family meal, I'd include her, but if she wants something different she'd have to sort that out herself.

She should be washing and changing her own bedding, washing her own clothes and should be on a rota for housework.

You're doing her no favours by giving her money. It's not good for her character and it's terrible for her CV, too. What did she have to write about in her personal statement? I was an A level lecturer and those students who worked had far more to say than those who didn't.

Ps op if you're still here...

You seem very split on the idea of 'good' vs 'bad' mum. People are offering you tips and saying where they think you've gone wrong but no one was vile and no one said that you're a bad mother. You've had a bit emotional reaction to the posters here.

This makes me wonder - did your daughter actually say this or did she just give you a little bit of feedback about your style of parenting and you have catastrophized it? Is she meant to be saying 'you're such a great mum you can do no wrong ' all day long? (No teens do this!!) even if she did say it she's being an over dramatic teenager and doesn't mean it!

I think you would really benefit from therapy to explore your own childhood and how this interacts with your parenting and how your dd triggers you