Difficulties with “adult” children still in school

[Fedupfedupfedupfedup]

It feels so hard. At 18 my DD is technically an adult but she is in sixth form and still acts like a child. Maybe if she was in college it would be different?

Surely if she was in full time employment or doing an apprenticeship she would act more mature? It’s like she’s trapped between childhood and adulthood.

I feel like even though she is 18 and can vote, get married, get a job etc because she’s still in school she acts like an immature little girl.

She doesn’t have a part time job which doesn’t help. Despite all her friends having a job she refuses to get one even though I’ve told her if she wants to go to university next year she needs to start earning and saving money.

We’ve just had a row where she swore at me, basically told me what a rubbish parent I am all because I asked her if she’s had any university offers ( form sent off to UCAS last week). I actually think I’m a good parent supporting her financially and emotionally so ended up losing my temper with her and now feel rubbish. I told her if things are so bad at home to leave.

I find it hard navigating the fact she is 18 but in school and doesn’t seem to want to grow up. I’m still picking her up from school, doing her washing and cooking her dinner. Maybe I need to stop so she’s forced to do things for herself,

her lifestyle is only adult because you are indulging and spoiling her. her swearing and giving you cheek is teenage behaviour that you need to nip in the bud she is being disrespectful.

I mean this.

@Fedupfedupfedupfedup
Well, it is time to stop funding at least most of the fun stuff. That is not being mean - that is teaching your daughter that if she wants to things, she needs to get a job to fund it and would be good parenting, so you would have no reason to feel guilty about doing that. I'm not saying you shouldn't give her SOME kind of allowance to pay for things on a day to day basis - like toiletries, bus fares etc. But absolutely do not fund all the fun stuff you currently are doing, and do start getting her to make her own way to school and back again

TBH she sounds a bit indulged. If you want her to behave like an adult you need to shift your expectations. Really at 18 she should be finding her own way to and from school, doing her own laundry, cooking some family meals.

You have missed the boat for working as she will have mocks and then a levels. Set a monthly allowance, stop ferrying her around. She needs to work over the summer give her zero allowance if need be.

What’s her budget per month?

You can expect them to behave like an adult if you never taught her.

DD has a fully funded lifestyle while in 6th form. But her allowance is small enough for her to know she has to save for bigger things or ask for money as presents.

Food, basic clothing, transport costs - that's all my responsibility until she has a proper paying job - after uni.
I don't want her to have a job and not concentrate on school. She learns plenty of responsibility and ethic through her volunteering.

She is only 16 but I wouldn't accept a behaviour like your DD shows at all, neither now, nor 2 years ago.

I cook and do laundry because it's easier for all of us, no waste of food or water.

do you live in the middle of nowhere so you have to take her to school?

How is she paying for anything? If you’re giving her money then stop. She’ll soon realise she needs a job

I don't think it's likely to really be much to do with the fact that she is at school not college/apprenticeship. It will be a combination of factors, including intrinsic personality. My firstborn was pretty much grown up by 16, middle one took a gap year before University in part because I didn't think they were mature enough to cope at 18, and youngest is somewhere in between. They all went to the same school. I think trapped between childhod and adulthood is a very good description of the late teens actually, but it doesn't last forever!
I would say you need to be encouraging a bit more independence but so close to exams probably isn't the ideal time to be making major changes like making her get a job. I wouldn't be funding as many leisure activities for the same reason though!
Ideally you would perhaps have had her taking on more responsibilities earlier but no point in berating yourself over that now. I'd cut back on facilitating her leisure activities and make sure she can do basic domestic stuff before she goes to University. In my experience, they all grow up a lot when they go to University even those who are pretty clueless initially. I do understand some of the frustration as I found DC2 very immature compared to DC1 and used to wonder if they would ever grow up. But of course they did!

I say if you fund her lifestyle stop doing that and tell her to get a job if she wants to go out, (especially if she talks to you like shit) money you would have funded her lifestyle with I'd put aside for her for uni. Seems the simplest solution to get her arse into gear.

ATM she has zero consequences and doesn't NEED money for the things she wants as you just pay for them, she's probably taking it for granted you'll carry on paying for Uni.

If you're honest with yourself you must know the UCAS question was a stupid question and she gave you a typical teenage answer to a very stupid question. They won't have even finished sending the applications out to unis yet, they've got tens of thousands of applications to do admin on. No one in the history of indirect university applications has ever had an offer in a week. Why haven't you familiarised yourself with the UCAS process so you can support her? What she needs from you has changed and you're still doing the same things she needed when she was younger. It's time to step back with those and step up with the new challenges arising from this new phase of life she's suddenly finding herself in.

I think if she's disrespectful and rude then stop doing the favours like picking her up and dropping her off. Make sure she knows that these are favours and will disappear when she's rude.

As she's still in school the financial support and lack of job should continue until June in my opinion and she's done her exams. However that doesn't mean you need to give her a slush fund for socialising. If you can afford it, tell her you'll keep some of her pocket money back to be doubled upon each good a level grade when she finishes her exams. No good grades no money.

You've got 9 months until she goes to uni so it's a good opportunity for her to learn a bit more independence in terms of cooking and using public transport. I also think if she hasn't apologised for swearing at you then you need to have that discussion with her and I wouldn't be funding lavish weekends until that has happened, or at all.
At the same time asking if she's got any offers when the application only went in last week could be a bit annoying and perhaps she's stressed and anxious about it.

Neither of my daughters were mature adults until they were about 23.

Sounds like this is mostly on you.

If you stop funding her or give her a fixed allowance she might decide that she wants a part time job.

You should have taught her to cook and do laundry etc and stuck to expectations during her teenage years.

Then you'd have an adult beginning to be ready for independence.

The run up to a levels is not the time to do these things however.

This behaviour is probably to be expected of a 14 or 15 year old….not an 18yr old.
Either stop funding and continuing this lifestyle ….or don’t complain!

I have a 20 & 25 year old, at 16 they had a part time job and were expected from early teens ( might have been younger) to help in the house. They cleaned their bedrooms, bathroom, did own laundry etc. We did do lifts until they passed their test and we paid for lessons and a car as rural with rubbish public transport , however they had to pay for own fuel ( allowance given for sixth form travel as we would have had to pay for bus).
When they went to uni they knew how to cook and clean etc.
Sounds to me your Dd has got it easy , maybe time for some tough love, I get it's not easy!

18 is stil young though and she won't have much experience of life yet. Give her time.
I was still cooking etc for my children when they were 18. And I was definitely very young at that age. Although technically an adult at 18 I probably wasn't an adult in practice until my late twenties.
Growing up is a continuum its not as if you wake up on your 18yh birthday and are suddenly mature.

And who's fault is that ? Yours, that's who. Either treat her like a child and enable her childish ways or starting treating her like the adult she is.

Also OP, do you think your approach to her may be a little passive? Wanting to avoid confrontation? Or perhaps even disengaged? I just googled the UCAS thing - easy enough to find out - why wouldn't you do this? Where's her Dad in all this?

Actually yes she has sent her application to UCAS and yes some of her friends have had offers. All these posters saying that hasn’t happened 🤣

why have you put a laughing face and only addressed 1 comment ?

Honestly, I wish I’d never posted. I was looking for some support in chat not AIBU. Posting this has made me feel worse. To all the posters who have said such awful things I hope you’re proud of yourself. Keyboard warriors at their finest.

I am doing my best. I have tried to be a good mum despite my own horrendous childhood. I try to give my DD everything I never had, love, emotional support amongst many things. I have now been told by a load of strangers what a rubbish mum I am so guess DD is right.

please don’t bother replying with more vile abuse in the form of “advice” as I will not be coming back to this thread. Mumsnet seems to be too full of perfect parents who never get it wrong and I’m obvious not one of them.