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Original poster

I can’t forgive my partner for ‘hogging’ our baby

62 replies

Comeonbt · 11/12/2023 13:00

Baby is 5 months now and when he was born my partner took over everything, basically not letting me have a look in. I breastfeed so I had time with baby for feeds but bath time, nappy changes, clothes changes, play time even pushing the pram, were all the things he done.
the background is that he has a 7 year old daughter with his ex wife, she didn’t tell him they had a baby until she was 14 months old. He missed out on the baby stage so understandably he has wanted to make the most of it with our son.
However I’m really upset looking back on those times that I didn’t get much say in anything. Even a health visitor asked him to leave the room during one visit as he answered everything for me and didn’t let me undress baby for weighing.
Our son didn’t want me half the time and would cry if I held him until I gave him back to my partner. I was glad at first that they were getting a good bond, but when he went back to work when baby was 6 weeks old I felt a huge sense of relief. I finally bonded with my son and could change him and play with him without an audience or being told to let him do it his way etc.
Things are generally fine now, my partner still does bath time after work which I haven’t got to do but I’m like any other mum now and he doesn’t interfere. Sometimes complains our baby doesn’t want him but doesn’t push it anymore. Baby is clingy to me and I feel we’ve made up for lost time having day times alone.
Im holding on to some resentment that my partner stole the newborn stage from me (fourth trimester) and I felt useless in that time. I’m surprised I didn’t get pnd. When I look back on photos I realise there are only a couple of me and baby together, he didn’t even take any at the hospital only ones of him and baby, no family ones.
I know his situation is hard for him as he needed 2 years of counselling to accept missing out on his daughter as a baby, but as a result he made me miss out on important moments too so I’m angry at how he Handled it without discussing with me first. I now see him in a different light and it makes me want to end our relationship as dramatic as it sounds.
It’s time I can’t get back and it upsets me. WWYD?

OP posts:

RachelGreensHair · 11/12/2023 13:14

Did yoy ever day anything to him whilst he was doing this?

Whattodo112222 · 11/12/2023 13:14

I can imagine how hard it is OP. You carried the baby for 9 months and then barely got a look in.

Its no excuse, but I can imagine he wanted to make up for not being part of his older child's life.

Have you actually spoken to him about how you feel?

pikkumyy77 · 11/12/2023 13:21

I think what he did was creepy and inexcusable. You were RIGHT THERE. You were not some kind of inanimate baby making machine. The universe does not revolve around him and you and the baby are not here as a do over. Take a good look at him and see if he is the kind of person who can be unselfish for the length of time needed for you to express yourself. Then, maybe eith the support of a third party or while flipping through an album of baby pictures you are not in, draw his attention to his behavior during that critical time. I winder, as well, whether he wasn’t excluding and dominating you because of unresolved fears that you would leave him and he would want to have nothing to remind him of you, just pure memories of the baby.

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titchy · 11/12/2023 13:22

I thought you were going to say he totally took over everything for six months - not six weeks! Do you think you had/have some PND that has skewed your perception? Particularly as you say you were bf - that's got to have meant baby was in your arms for an hour or so every three hours surely? Wanting to split up seems quite an extreme reaction.

Whattodo112222 · 11/12/2023 13:27

I'm struggling to understand why the OP didn't say anything at the time?

Bobsyouraunty · 11/12/2023 13:30

Ending the relationship over this is very extreme. I think you need to speak to a counsellor (and him) about some of these feelings.

It has been hard on you but I can understand where he’s coming from. I don’t think he’s done it maliciously but it has affected you. Its definitely workable though I think - deffo think about counselling

velvetstars · 11/12/2023 13:38

That sounds really awful for you OP. You were very vulnerable having just given birth, the weeks afterwards are really tough and it's hard to advocate for yourself at that time - you rely on your partner to be there and support you and help identify which way is up. It sounds like your DP did the opposite of that and thought only of himself. Not being allowed to do caretaking tasks for your own newborn must have been really upsetting and confusing given it was your own DP causing the problem.

Now things have settled down I suggest you have a discussion with your DP about how appalling his behaviour was so he has an opportunity to apologise and he can figure out how to put things right. That may involve getting help from somewhere like Relate.

I wouldn't allow it to become a pity party about what has happened in his past though, as that is not the problem. How he treated you is the problem so keep the focus there. If he needs therapy on what happened in the past he can seek that himself. It's not your responsibility to fix.

BrassOlive · 11/12/2023 13:46

I really feel for you both. His behaviour doesn't sound malicious but in healing his own pain he's created pain for you. I would have thought some decent couples counselling will help you articulate exactly how you feel and help the pair of you negotiate a way forward. How blessed your baby is to have two such devoted and involved parents, I hope for their sake that the pair of you can work through this.

Tacotortoise · 11/12/2023 13:46

If you were breastfeeding your son then you must have been holding him/with him for a considerable part of each day. I'm sorry it's not what you wanted but it would be quite normal for a father to do nappy changes , clothing changes and bathtime in the early days because that's a pretty small fraction of the day compared to all the feeding.

FictionalCharacter · 11/12/2023 13:47

It was unfair of him to punish you for what his ex did to him.
You should discuss this with him and make him understand that he’s done exactly the same to you as his ex did to him. He’s behaved just as badly as she did. Worse in fact, because you’re the one who carried the baby and gave birth.

Anywherebuthere · 11/12/2023 13:48

WWYD? Get some counselling for yourself maybe? Speak to your partner about it?

If you let things fester they end up worse than they actually are.

Him wanting to bond with baby before he went back to work is understandable. There is nothing wrong with what he did but you should have spoken up about it if you were unhappy .

Is it possible he is oblivious to how you feel? Normally new mums are always on here complaining about the lack of help, so its possible in his eyes he was being helpful while spending time with the baby.

LusaBatoosa · 11/12/2023 13:55

titchy · 11/12/2023 13:22

This, basically.

LusaBatoosa · 11/12/2023 13:56

Tacotortoise · 11/12/2023 13:46

And this.

Arosebyanyname · 11/12/2023 13:56

You must've breastfed for hours and hours every day. Your partner wanted to help and be involved. He's now at work and has been for months - all extra time you've had with the baby. I don't see him as doing anything wrong.

InTheRainOnATrain · 11/12/2023 13:59

I don’t know OP. When trying to establish breastfeeding you do often hear people saying things like ‘you just do feeds, let DH do everything else’ because it is an awful lot of work early on. The feeding really is the bulk of the baby care at that stage- it’s way more time than nappies, dressing and bathing. It seems like reasonably fair division of labour and I’ve known lots of couples do similar without any situation like him and his older DC to complicate matters. It does sound like it crossed over from helpful/supportive to overbearing especially from that example with the HV but why didn’t you say something to him at the time? Of course if you did and he didn’t listen to you, or if it’s not a great relationship where you’re often walking on eggshells then that’s something else entirely.

Eveningintheafternoon · 11/12/2023 14:00

A HV had to ask him to leave. I don’t think this is the OP’s perception that’s skewed. And as for the poster struggling to understand - because she was probably exhausted, overwhelmed and confused. I personally don’t understand posters who don’t seem to get it’s often only when you look back at something you see the whole picture. When it unfolds it’s very different.

titchy · 11/12/2023 14:11

Eveningintheafternoon · 11/12/2023 14:00

HV often do though because they want to talk to mum separately, to make sure she isn't being influenced or putting on a front for the father.

Niallig32839 · 11/12/2023 14:18

It’s a hard situation to have an opinion on and the early days are tough. You didn’t do nothing though, you fed your baby carried your baby and not sure if you have spoken to your partner about how you felt? He may have a different view that he wanted to do what he could to help support you as breastfeeding takes a lot of your time/energy and it’s not something he can help with.

the first few months at least after having a baby are known to the the hardest on a relationship even the strongest couples down the change in dynamics hard. My advice would be to speak to him and say how you felt in those early weeks and ask how he felt too

Mariposista · 11/12/2023 14:19

Men are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If this was a father saying he felt excluded in his child’s early days, he would be absolutely pillaged.

I give this relationship a year or less. OP sounds about 14. ‘Hogging’ OUR baby. FGS.

pickledandpuzzled · 11/12/2023 14:21

I wonder why the ex didn’t tell him?

Is he controlling in other ways?

SleepingStandingUp · 11/12/2023 14:23

If we're talking 6 weeks when you were also breastfeeding, then perhaps we saw it as his doing his equal time?
I think of you're unhappy you don't have to stay but if you're leaving over access to baby, I'd consider how hard he'll fight for time with them.

Eveningintheafternoon · 11/12/2023 14:23

That’s not what the OP is suggesting though @titchy

Even a health visitor asked him to leave the room during one visit as he answered everything for me and didn’t let me undress baby

If it was ‘could I ask you to step outside so I can speak to just mum’ that’s different.

Bournetilly · 11/12/2023 14:27

I don’t think he did anything wrong. In the first 6 weeks your baby must of been feeding a lot therefore being held by you.
He just wanted to get involved knowing he only had a short amount of time off work and they were tasks he could do.
It’s not like he’s still taking over now either.

Did you actually say anything to him at the time?

I have a baby the same age and would love this kind of help.

GodspeedJune · 11/12/2023 14:28

I can understand how you’re feeling. I do think that how we are treated postpartum sticks with us and can really leave lasting emotions - be it good or bad.

In the first 10-14 days of my DDs life I really only breastfed her, and her dad did the rest. In my case I was quite poorly due to a combination of a long labour, EMCS and a chronic health condition I have. I feel a lot of guilt about those initial days, and if her dad had been doing all of the care just for his own enjoyment rather than because I was unwell I can see it being even more difficult to come to terms with.

I just want to reassure you that your bond with your little one will be strong despite this, and hopefully with the passage of time it will become more of a distant memory than being at the forefront of your mind.

Ellie1015 · 11/12/2023 14:28

Breastfeeding is the most time consuming job. You still did more than him. It is probably just coincidence baby cried with you sometimes. Also a little bit negative you sound pleased baby clingy to you now.

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