I can’t forgive my partner for ‘hogging’ our baby

[Comeonbt]

Baby is 5 months now and when he was born my partner took over everything, basically not letting me have a look in. I breastfeed so I had time with baby for feeds but bath time, nappy changes, clothes changes, play time even pushing the pram, were all the things he done.
the background is that he has a 7 year old daughter with his ex wife, she didn’t tell him they had a baby until she was 14 months old. He missed out on the baby stage so understandably he has wanted to make the most of it with our son.
However I’m really upset looking back on those times that I didn’t get much say in anything. Even a health visitor asked him to leave the room during one visit as he answered everything for me and didn’t let me undress baby for weighing.
Our son didn’t want me half the time and would cry if I held him until I gave him back to my partner. I was glad at first that they were getting a good bond, but when he went back to work when baby was 6 weeks old I felt a huge sense of relief. I finally bonded with my son and could change him and play with him without an audience or being told to let him do it his way etc.
Things are generally fine now, my partner still does bath time after work which I haven’t got to do but I’m like any other mum now and he doesn’t interfere. Sometimes complains our baby doesn’t want him but doesn’t push it anymore. Baby is clingy to me and I feel we’ve made up for lost time having day times alone.
Im holding on to some resentment that my partner stole the newborn stage from me (fourth trimester) and I felt useless in that time. I’m surprised I didn’t get pnd. When I look back on photos I realise there are only a couple of me and baby together, he didn’t even take any at the hospital only ones of him and baby, no family ones.
I know his situation is hard for him as he needed 2 years of counselling to accept missing out on his daughter as a baby, but as a result he made me miss out on important moments too so I’m angry at how he Handled it without discussing with me first. I now see him in a different light and it makes me want to end our relationship as dramatic as it sounds.
It’s time I can’t get back and it upsets me. WWYD?

This.

not letting me have a look in

he answered everything for me

didn’t let me undress baby

finally bonded with my son and could change him and play with him without an audience or being told to let him do it his way etc.

Posters are acting like this is a lovely guy who just was keen to help. I’m not reading the above in that light - I think early days can be hard and I don’t want to unfairly malign but I do think in their eagerness to see both sides people have been too hasty here. This isn’t a supportive person sharing the load, this is affecting the bond between a mother and baby.

So true. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be delighted to have the dad actually do his fair share, especially during the first 6 weeks.

My ex was asked to leave by the hv because she wanted to talk to me about domestic abuse. I don't think its uncommon.

Also, I was sat for hours and hours breastfeeding and also doing the personal care.

However, all the is irrespective. Its how its made you feel that matters.

I take the point that during the time you may not have felt you could advocate for yourself, but possibly now you could?

If you do nothing about it now, it'll fester.

I'm fairly sure your partner will be mortified by his behaviour and apologies profusely. Nothing you posted suggested any malice in his actions, perhaps misguided and oblivious. He's not going to know how he's made you feel without you saying something.

Have you spoken to him about it. It might help to have an acknowledgement and apology from him as a starting point.

I'm sorry you feel sad but I wonder are you skewing things a little?

If you breastfed the baby would have been with you a lot, I know mine was glued to me.

You say you "I’m angry at how he Handled it without discussing with me first." but did you raise it with him? Maybe he thought those 6 weeks at home were for him to do all those jobs to let you relax/ recover. Did you tell him you wanted to?

My DH is a farmer so couldn't really take any time off but when he was around I don't remember discussing who would do what. We just did what needed to be done. Which mostly did mean I fed DS and DH changed him etc

@Comeonbt I agree with others that you should have said something then but that's history now.

I would sit him down one day or write a letter if that is easier for you to explain how it made you and still makes you feel and hopefully he is able to recognize that he did hog the baby to your detriment and you can speak about it.

This is more for you to let go of the hurt and resentment. Don't focus on accusing him but more on how it affected you. Hopefully this will prevent him being defensive and argumentative and you can talk it out and move on.

All I have said above is based on the assumption that he is a reliable guy who is willing to listen to his partner.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply, if I don’t respond to each comment I’m trying to work my way through everything that has been said.
Baby fed every 2 hours roughly, he latched well and got into a routine quickly so no issues there. But the point is all I got to do was breastfeed. He took over all the changes etc when I’d have also liked to change my baby or bath him or whatever. I had a fourth degree tear so I was slow to move for the first 2 weeks. If baby needed changing he would rush to him quickly knowing I wouldn’t get there first. If baby needed feeding he’d slink away to find something else to do, then come back to take baby for a change etc. I snapped at him several times and we argued a bit because I told him to let me have a go so I could practise and get confident with him, but he ignored me. I tried to fasten the vest when he lifted baby after a nappy change and he pushed my hand away and said no I’m doing it, that’s when I realised he was purposely taking over. When he went back to work I felt useless because I hadn’t done those things before and had to learn by myself without support. So yes now he’s back at work I’m happy I get time with my baby and I don’t need permission to change him.
He was unlikable and made me feel anxious. He isn’t like it now and it could be that he was stressed and anxious about his daughter but none the less he knew I wanted to do more and wouldn’t let me. The fourth trimester is a thing for a reason, so I’m shocked that some of you wouldn’t have minded missing out on the early weeks. Definitely wasn’t pnd I was screened for it and felt fine in myself.
I think someone asked about his ex wife, they split and she planned to abort but decided to adopt the baby instead. She never told him she was pregnant or had his baby. Her family adopted the baby and it was one of the relatives who reached out to him. I don’t know what their marriage was like, it’s hard to know for sure when I wasn’t there.
he’s not abusive, we’ve been together for 5 years and I wasn’t expecting him to leave me out, if I tell him now he ruined that time for me I’m not sure what it would achieve. he’s backed off a lot and I do 80% of the care now so it would seem like I’m causing an argument for the fun of it.

It sounds like he was simply just doing his share of looking after the baby since you were doing all of the feeding.

I'm really not seeing an issue.

Your partner seems very controlling. I wonder if her ex didn't tell him about their daughter because of this or if it's an excuse he made up to do everything and you are just the incubator for his baby. Some men use women just to have a baby and they don't see you as a mum.

Well, there’s a whiff of fibs about the story about his ex wife. The baby wouldn’t have been adopted by family without his express say so if they were indeed married.

I think the way you felt- and the fact he dismissed those feelings- suggests he was controlling in this situation.

I don’t think your baby suffered during the 4th trimester exactly because you were feeding.

You didn’t feel supported, you felt pushed out. It sounds as though there was no mutual discussion or enjoyment, more reluctant turn taking.

It’s always emphasised that the dad’s job in the early days is to support mum. This mum didn’t feel supported

Did he pull his weight with household chores, or only baby related ones?

And how soon after he learned about his other child did you get pregnant?

If he didn't know she was pregnant they may well have been divorced by the time the baby arrived.
If she didn't add him to the birth certificate and they were divorced no one would need to contact him

They were divorced already and he wasn’t on the birth certificate. We see her fortnightly so there isn’t any long standing issues now. She’s 7 so he found out about her 6 years ago.
I done all the housework as usual and no I wasn’t supported in any way. I kept it to myself because I didn’t want anyone to be concerned there were deeper issues. He was unrecognisable and unbearable to be around the entire time. family commented what a great dad he is, while completely skipping over the fact he’d take our baby away to change when I was perfectly capable of doing it myself, and not letting me push the pram even though it would have really helped to have something to lean on while walking with stitches.

So there we have it. Not a man pulling his weight at all, but a man bullying his wife and monopolising their baby.

I’m relieved his finding out about his other child wasn’t the motivation for your pregnancy at least.

Do you still have friends and family, get to go out and about, have access to money?

You have years ahead of you. Perhaps you need to gently discuss this. It is great he wants to be involved but you share parenting so try to have a balance.

I think you're over reacting. So many women here despair because they've been basically assigned baby care role with no support.

He had a horrible experience and he understandably wanted to be there this time.

He fucked up in the way that he did it, by muscling in on the mother/baby bond.

But it was only six weeks and he made the most of his time off to bond - so many don't.

Have some checkups and see if you have some pnd that is skewing your perception.

It would not be wise to destroy your relationship and deprive him of partner/fatherhood and baby of dad because he did too much. It's his first time.

Just say you're doing the baby's bath if you want to do it! You need to just speak up and start doing things if he tries to take over. Don't just sit back and be passive and feel sad about it

I wouldn’t say it’s bullying, more that he prioritises his time with our baby and doesn’t care if I do or not. He’s all consumed in being the best dad and experiencing the baby firsts that it doesn’t enter his head I need them too.
I do have family and I do work although I’m on maternity leave right now.
if I say I’m doing something he finds a way to do it anyway or he sulks and we argue. It becomes tit for tat if me breastfeeding means I can’t change a nappy or bath baby, I can do all those things as his mum and I shouldn’t need permission or to beg. I am more forceful now though and I do take baby for a change etc which he doesn’t fuss about anymore. His family have newborn photos on the wall of our baby that I hadn’t even seen before.

I loved that my partner did everything he could for all his children when they were newborns 🤷‍♀️.
He's got a lovely relationship with them all and I love that because he misses a lot when he's at work.

He's needed therapy to deal with missing her but sees her twice a month...

But if you're doing 80% of the parenting then surely it's fine if he prioritises time with his child for the other 20% of her life? He's only going to get 20% of the "firsts" as it is. You speak as though he's suffocating you but the truth is you are alone with her for the vast majority of the time.

This happened to us when I had my first child 9 years ago. My husband took over. I felt like he was the real mother and I was the nanny. I posted the problem on a parent site and was told to be grateful for such a hands on dad. I don't remember the ins and outs of it. I was very traumatised after a terrible birth and know I was incredibly emotionally remote for a long time afterwards. I remember holding the baby during routine vaccinations and my husband pulling him put of my arms when he cried. When our son was 1, my husband bought a cake and got his birthday presents without consulting me. I never said anything to mybhusband at the time because I think deep down I felt ashamed that my husband felt he had to do this. I hated breastfeeding my first baby and didnt last very long.

When I got pregnant with my second one, I remember thinking 'this one is mine'. The birth went really well and it wasn't until I had baby number two that I realised how brutalised the first birth had left me. With baby number 2, I breastfed for a year and my husband never took over with her. Neither did he take over with thr third, which was a similar scenario to DC2.

I've no real advice, except to say I get it. Your husband is probably suffering from some kind of trauma too, as I think my husband was (after the birth and seeing me struggle mentally afterwards). You need to talk this through with him calmly. My husband saw things I didn't realise. I've no bitterness about it now as we talked it all through, but we really needed to discuss it. All the best. I know the lonely feeling.

I felt the same with my partner.I had a emergency c-section,so he did the night feeds so I could sleep all night.i thought ok,I can have her in the day,but every day he kept asking to hold her when I did.I remember one time I cried myself to sleep,woke up and thought I'm being ungrateful,I have this lovely man willing to do everything,and I'm being upset about night feeds.i went downstairs,picked her up,and after two minutes he asked for her back.i sat there watching a film holding back the tears.I felt i missed a lot of bonding time too,that time is so precious.when he went back to work,my teenager then broke his leg,so my 'disney and cuddling baby' plans ended up being my son on the ps5 and me looking after them both 😂.it is hard,but my partner genuinely was helping.I did recover quicker than I would have done without him helping so I see that as a positive.There is so much time left to bond,but I completely understand how hard it is.my little one is 9 months old and I still think about it

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone I couldn't talk to. That must feel so lonely.

I hope you wake up to the situation at one point. It's not normal to not be able to address the huge (controlling) elephant in the room. What the hell was he playing at...