I can’t forgive my partner for ‘hogging’ our baby

[Comeonbt]

Baby is 5 months now and when he was born my partner took over everything, basically not letting me have a look in. I breastfeed so I had time with baby for feeds but bath time, nappy changes, clothes changes, play time even pushing the pram, were all the things he done.
the background is that he has a 7 year old daughter with his ex wife, she didn’t tell him they had a baby until she was 14 months old. He missed out on the baby stage so understandably he has wanted to make the most of it with our son.
However I’m really upset looking back on those times that I didn’t get much say in anything. Even a health visitor asked him to leave the room during one visit as he answered everything for me and didn’t let me undress baby for weighing.
Our son didn’t want me half the time and would cry if I held him until I gave him back to my partner. I was glad at first that they were getting a good bond, but when he went back to work when baby was 6 weeks old I felt a huge sense of relief. I finally bonded with my son and could change him and play with him without an audience or being told to let him do it his way etc.
Things are generally fine now, my partner still does bath time after work which I haven’t got to do but I’m like any other mum now and he doesn’t interfere. Sometimes complains our baby doesn’t want him but doesn’t push it anymore. Baby is clingy to me and I feel we’ve made up for lost time having day times alone.
Im holding on to some resentment that my partner stole the newborn stage from me (fourth trimester) and I felt useless in that time. I’m surprised I didn’t get pnd. When I look back on photos I realise there are only a couple of me and baby together, he didn’t even take any at the hospital only ones of him and baby, no family ones.
I know his situation is hard for him as he needed 2 years of counselling to accept missing out on his daughter as a baby, but as a result he made me miss out on important moments too so I’m angry at how he Handled it without discussing with me first. I now see him in a different light and it makes me want to end our relationship as dramatic as it sounds.
It’s time I can’t get back and it upsets me. WWYD?

From the first post it was clear to me that this was not just a well meaning Dad doing his share and maybe being over eager, and the updates further clarified that for me.

He was taking what he feels he was entitled to and didn't receive from the birth of his first child and he selfishly acted upon that even though it meant that effectively he has done similar to you as what happened to him.

This is not a man who loves you and clearly the two years of counselling didn't fully address things because he still felt the need to prove something this time round, at your expense.

The fact he has now backed off, while understandable given he's back to work, if you are being expected to carry a larger share of the domestic chores on top of the parenting then I think that further suggests he had a point to prove and it was more about having what he was entitled to rather than any genuine attempt at being a good parent. A truly good parent respects the other parent and realises the child has a right to a relationship with both parents.

I don't think you are overreacting OP. Whether you leave him or not I can't speak to, but if you did I wouldn't blame you at all.

This thread is shocking. So many women telling the OP that what she experienced wasn't real. That is gaslighting.

OP, I think you could do with talking to a counsellor about this. It was obviously very hurtful for you and I think you need to talk to someone who has your back.

But she's not in that position, is she? Everyone loves a helpful partner who bonds with his child. That isn't what was happening here.

Thanks again for the lovely comments and I’m sorry to those who know how this feels.
i think some are missing the point that this post is about resentment when my baby was newborn, it isn’t a current issue so yes I’m doing 80% now but the first couple of months I was feeding and nothing else.
the counselling was several years ago, he needed it to accept he has a daughter and that he didn’t know her. He had to fight to be in her life and it’s been settled for a while now.
I appreciate those who have recognised that my partner wasn’t being helpful, he took those moments for himself as he missed out on it with his daughter. This is why I’m angry and upset looking back on everything that happened. IMO parenting is sharing the work but I wasn’t allowed to share any of the moments and I can’t rewind and change that.
He knows I’m angry about it but he isn’t remorseful. He’s backed off because he works long hours. If we split I feel like he’d be spiteful and want more than 50/50, but now he has his daughter regularly he’s calmed down in comparison if that makes sense.

His ex seems to have a better grasp of his controlling personality than you do, OP. Consider why she had instincts to keep him from her daughter.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing they say.

I'm glad you've restored the balance somewhat now. I think you've got two choices really. Have it out and have your say and be truly honest.. or just let the resentment build up and fester and eventually destroy your relationship.

If you know he's likely to be spiteful in the future if you split, then I really would do all I could to avoid that if you think your relationship is salvageable.

What matters is how you feel now and doing something about it.

Why don't you do bathtime together?

It depends on whether you can get over the resentment you feel towards him. No judgement from me on whether that's right or wrong on how you feel. If you can't and maybe there are other issues then I'd consider leaving.
Apart from that for your own mental health I'd try to put the time you feel you missed out behind you as no amount of wishing things had been different will change that. The fact that you have since bonded with your dc is the main thing. Your dc won't remember that time and wasn't neglected by you they had more attention from their Dad than their Mum. It's wasted energy. Be grateful that your dc is well and cared for and happy.

I don’t think you missed anything during the first six weeks of nappy changes and bathing. You missed getting shat on (boy or girl) or wee’d in the face (if a boy). You missed the fear of a slippery baby accidentally falling during critical bath to towel moments. You missed the frustration of babies limbs not being the easiest to get into clothing. You missed fussiness and crying. Gas and vomit.

You had a fourth degree tear, imagine how badly the healing would have gone if you had insisted on doing all this grunt work that baby doesn’t even remember at this point.

This is plain nonsense, as well as being dismissive of OP's feelings.

My husband had 3 weeks off followed by 3 weeks work, and is now back off again. The three weeks at work were very tough on him, because I was becoming expert with the baby whilst he fell behind. Picking the baby up every time it fussed, little by little, helps the baby learn that you are safe and reliable. Their bond has come on bounds in the time he's been off.

Plus he has very obviously been unwilling to share those moments with OP. Which is downright weird.

Yes, you know everything there is with only having 1 child. 👏🏿
Girl, I have three children. You may not agree with my point of view, but that doesn’t make it nonsense.

Babies are very able to bond with new caregivers. The first six weeks is nothing to lament over as if they were critical or to hold lasting resentment about like the OP is.

If what I say is nonsense, and the first six weeks of an infant’s life are so ultra important, a make or break for the child to parent bond, then how do you think that makes mums and dads who have babies in the NICU for months feel? Or mums who almost died during childbirth and spend six weeks in hospital just recovering? Stop peddling the myth. Yes a baby to parent bond is very important but it doesn’t have to be made during the first six weeks after being born. Human babies don’t imprint like ducklings.

@MercanDede apparently OP was busy doing housework while avoiding being weed on, rather than resting up. You need to read more carefully rather than dismissing a new mum’s upset.