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Original poster

Don't know if we should give DS condoms or not

86 replies

Monkeybrains192 · 10/12/2023 17:16

He's 14, in year 10. He's had a girlfriend for a few months now. They'll both be 15 next month. We've had lots of chats with him about sex, we've said he should really wait until they're both 16, he says they're not having sex yet and we asked him to come to us if that's going to change.

Should we get him some condoms though or will he see that as a green light from us? Can you tell this is our first teenager!

OP posts:
Floopani · 10/12/2023 19:19

I would also do the basket in the bathroom thing - not just for your DS but any visiting teenagers too. Its not encouraging anything, but it is giving them access to good choices.

dillydelight · 10/12/2023 19:24

I would buy them. My DS and I are really close and told him to let me know but he didn't!
I ended up seeing a tiny bit of a condom wrapper when I was cleaning his room.

I jokingly told him what I had found. He said that him and his girlfriend went to Waitrose to buy the condoms and was told he can't as there is an age restriction to buy them! He was 16 at the time!

dillydelight · 10/12/2023 19:27

Luckily my DS told her there was no such thing and bought them. I can only imagine that would be an excruciatingly embarrassing experience for some teens and they may not want to buy them again.

Haggisfish3 · 10/12/2023 19:48

That’s outrageous. There absolutely is not an age requirement to buy them.

Haggisfish3 · 10/12/2023 19:48

Good for your ds!

DramaAlpaca · 10/12/2023 19:58

I had three teenage sons. They all knew there was a jar of condoms in the bathroom which could be accessed no questions asked, and that they were available to their friends too if necessary.

ConsuelaHammock · 10/12/2023 20:02

FatFatMary · 10/12/2023 17:52

Instill a fear into him of getting a girl pregnant. He needs to understand statistics properly, even of a girl getting pregnant using hormonal contraception only

Edited

This!! I have a 14 year old and the thought of him having sex and getting someone pregnant/ being tied to someone for life by a child he wouldn’t want is unimaginable. He’s only a child and much much too young to be even thinking about having sex. Talk to him honestly about why he should wait.

Blondebutnotlegally · 10/12/2023 20:34

ConsuelaHammock · 10/12/2023 20:02

This!! I have a 14 year old and the thought of him having sex and getting someone pregnant/ being tied to someone for life by a child he wouldn’t want is unimaginable. He’s only a child and much much too young to be even thinking about having sex. Talk to him honestly about why he should wait.

Show quote history

Do you not remember the hormones at that age? I would have done it in a morgue if it were my only option.

Buy the condoms op! They will do it when they want to, may as well do it safely!

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 22:30

@mondaytosunday "After he turned 16 I made sure he had some"

Let me get this straight. Before he was 16 he had to buy his own condoms-and he sold them to his mates. After he was16 you bought them for him.

In what sort of fucked up world does that happen?

EskSmith · 10/12/2023 23:04

This is bonkers. You've talked to your son. He knows you don't condone it. He's not going to ask you. If they want to have sex they will, if you're lucky they will be brave enough to obtain some contraception themselves. That's not a bet I'd be willing to take. Put a massive box in the bathroom cabinet, or somewhere discreet that you're sure he will see them - massive box so it will not feel obvious when some are taken.

AndWordsWhen · 10/12/2023 23:11

Op - there's no right or wrong here, just what works for your family. Of all the suggestions here, I liked the one where there was a box of stuff like tampons, condoms and other things from which he and his friends could take what they need. That would mean he could take one and you would not be able to assume it was him. Which makes it less embarrassing for him.
Mine are adults now, but when we were crossing this bridge all I hoped for was for them to be in a steady relationship with a nice person so that they had a positive first experience.

Original poster
Monkeybrains192 · 11/12/2023 08:08

Thanks for all the replies. We found a middle ground, DH had a 'casual' chat with DS about sex, brought it round to contraception and dropped in that his condoms were in his sock draw so we've not directly handed them to him but he now knows where he can get one.

Oh boy, parenting doesn't ever get easier does it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkeybrains192 · 11/12/2023 08:13

ConsuelaHammock · 10/12/2023 20:02

This!! I have a 14 year old and the thought of him having sex and getting someone pregnant/ being tied to someone for life by a child he wouldn’t want is unimaginable. He’s only a child and much much too young to be even thinking about having sex. Talk to him honestly about why he should wait.

Show quote history

I completely understand how you feel, I felt the same a few months ago but you'll be in for a shock when it happens with your DC. Don't be naive enough to think that 14/15 year old are not thinking about having sex cause they are.

OP posts:
Ohdearwhatnow4 · 11/12/2023 08:15

We brought DS a big box at 14 when he'd been with girlfriend for several months. She school year above. I said I wasn't encouraging sex but if they got to that point I'd rather they had safe sex, he was adamant he didn't want them so I said we'll ill leave them so you can always practise putting them on and off. I also provided bags and explained how not to flush them and how to dispose of them. Also gave my other children them.

ElleDeeCB · 11/12/2023 08:17

Buy him a box and just say it’s useful to have around so that none of his ‘friends’ gets into trouble. Say you know he’s sensible and you’re agree with him that he’s still just a bit too young. Nevertheless always handy to have one in his coat pocket or at home if any of his ‘friends’ isn’t being as sensible.

Needahandholdplease2023 · 11/12/2023 08:17

You did the right thing OP. Well done you're not encouraging it but your teaching him if he's going to do it to do it safely! (They'll do what you want whether you agree/like it or not) we've all been there..

StarlightLady · 11/12/2023 08:37

Sunflower8848 · 10/12/2023 17:34

If the girl is under 16 he could be accused of rape.

Only if she complained that she did not consent.

Tilllly · 11/12/2023 08:39

I've been where you are

Fortunately I knew the girls mum and we get on well so were able to collaborate

Then Covid hit and our under 16 issue never materialised!

@Monkeybrains192 have you heard of the C card? It's an NHS scheme aimed at 13-25 and provides free condoms amongst other services

www.icash.nhs.uk/contraception-sexual-health/c-card-scheme#:~:text=The%20c%2Dcard%20scheme%20is,people%20to%20access%20local%20services.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 11/12/2023 09:36

Agree with PP, it’s technically illegal but really almost never prosecuted. When I was studying law at uni we were asked if we had kissed - not had sex with, kissed - anyone under the age of 13 or had sex with someone under sixteen. Every hand went up except mine. At my school (all girls) I think half had lost their virginity by thirteen. Both were at the time crimes and I don’t think the legislation has been amended, they’re just never prosecuted. Sex is going to happen, teenagers in particular are attracted to the forbidden. @Monkeybrains192 it sounds like you’ve taken the best, most tactful route with him - as long as he understands that he actually does need to use one and how to put one on? I hate using them as a woman because it hurts already even without a condom and I never learned to do it at school (sensory issues and they are horrible and greasy to touch, so I got a friend to do the exercise for me and now rely completely on my partners, the Pill and my almost complete infertility). I know it’s stereotypically the men who don’t like condoms but he really needs to hear that it protects them both and learn how to put one on - probably less awkward from his dad tbh.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 11/12/2023 09:38

Sorry, was going to add - he might not have had this in PSHE yet because he’s on the young side.

Original poster
Monkeybrains192 · 11/12/2023 09:50

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 11/12/2023 09:38

Sorry, was going to add - he might not have had this in PSHE yet because he’s on the young side.

They've covered everything in school. He's year 10 so that was all talked about a couple of years ago.

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 11/12/2023 09:56

Great, thanks :) my school waited until most of us were sixteen, by which time it was a bit late for, well, most of us.

Mumtime2 · 11/12/2023 10:27

Best he has some in his bedroom or bathroom rather than expect him to ask.

SheilaFentiman · 11/12/2023 10:43

I would put some in the bathroom and not just your DH’s sock drawer - embarrassment might stop him
coming to grab some at the moment of truth.

BrimfulOfMash · 11/12/2023 11:47

I said “I know you said you aren’t having sex, and obviously you will wait until you both feel you really want to and have meaningful consent but if you do reach that point the time to practice putting on a condom is not at the moment you need one! It takes a bit of practice. There’s a box in your drawer and you can get them free from ‘xxxx clinic I have checked out’. Some people feel a bit embarrassed but there is no need’. All said ‘in passing’ and not eye to eye. When doing a shared task together, like moving furniture, cooking or whatever.