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Original poster

Don't know if we should give DS condoms or not

86 replies

Monkeybrains192 · 10/12/2023 17:16

He's 14, in year 10. He's had a girlfriend for a few months now. They'll both be 15 next month. We've had lots of chats with him about sex, we've said he should really wait until they're both 16, he says they're not having sex yet and we asked him to come to us if that's going to change.

Should we get him some condoms though or will he see that as a green light from us? Can you tell this is our first teenager!

OP posts:
gotomomo · 10/12/2023 17:55

I put them in the bathroom drawer for anyone to use, unfortunately it was me who was disorganised and the box was empty Blush I raided DD's room (she was 18 by then)

cunningartificer · 10/12/2023 17:55

I think I'd keep talking, and wait for the moment. You sound like you're really caring and thoughtful. If you buy them for him you're sending him a message saying that you think it's likely he's going to have sex with her. Or even that you think he should. Expectation is a big part of decision making at that age. A lot of kids think everyone else is having sex or everyone else's parents are cool with them having sex and this can put a lot of unspoken pressure on relationships. I work with teenagers and do a lot of safeguarding. Parents who are endorsing (ie not anti sex) but firm about boundaries (ie wait until you're both sixteen) seem to me to do the best job overall and have fewest issues.

C1N1C · 10/12/2023 17:57

FatFatMary · 10/12/2023 17:22

I think at 15 they should be mature enough to buy them themselves

Lol, you would have thought... in my school there was literally an underground market for condoms, where those that had the courage to go into shops or get the free ones from the family planning clinic would sell them to those 'shy' individuals at a nice markup.

trunkler · 10/12/2023 17:59

I would buy the condoms but talk through the reality that if she gets pregnant he has absolutely no say in whether she decides to continue with the pregnancy and raise the child. That he would be financially tied to this child for the next 18 years minimum and that it would potentially impact future relationships plus his ability to just spend his money as he sees fit.

Ds is now an adult but when he was in year 10 a girl in his year was pregnant with a year 9 boy as the father, she kept the baby. I have always told my sons that as a woman I get to decide and as a man, emphasis on the man that they get no say. I also pointed out how many adults who post on here and who we know in real life who had an unplanned pregnancy so yes teenagers can get pregnant too.

There are lots of sexual acts that don't risk a pregnancy. But buy the condoms and have the talk.

Greyflowersinthebin · 10/12/2023 18:02

We always have condoms and the MAP in the medicine cupboard and just re stock when they disappear (have a big family with multiple teens)

coffeetofunction · 10/12/2023 18:02

I've provided condoms to both my teens and my DD boyfriend (which I had delivered in his name). Sex is an open conversation in our house and I know both my teens were over 16 when they first had sex with their parents. I didn't encourage sex and discussed boundaries, consent, ect. Teens will have sex when they decide too. Although I feel 15 is too young, it sounds like you need to have a discussion about it and prepare your child

Blanketpolicy · 10/12/2023 18:04

Ds was 16 by the time he showed an interest in girls so i didnt have the under age issue. 14 is way too young and I would be having serious talks with him about why. Neither he or his gf are emotionally mature enough for a sexual relationship.

When he did show an interest I bought ds a pack (jeez they are expensive!) and told him to put in a drawer in his room so he had them if/when needed. Told him he would need to read the instructions and probably practice at home first!! I also showed him the local c-card app where he could go into a choice of local chemists and just show the app on his phone and they would give him free condoms and then made encouraged him to go in and get some (they give them 3 x 6 each time). Also showed him he could get them delivered free from the same scheme. He was ok with all that as was aware friends were getting them free but just didnt know how/where.

Once that was done we continued to have chats about all the usual relationship topics, but I left him to sort out his own supplies. Told him I had no interest, or desire to know how quickly he was going through them!

DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 10/12/2023 18:11

@coffeetofunction I think you need another coffee 😱🤣
@Monkeybrains192 As there are several places they can access free condoms I would imagine they have this information from school?
I certainly remember my DD having a C card 15 years ago.
Giving them condoms may be seen as a green light.
Difficult situation I think.
I would maybe have some in the house in case he asks? (I doubt he will)

Fivepigeons · 10/12/2023 18:16

Age is irrelevant. Not providing condoms won't stop them having sex it just leaves that poor girl at massive risk.
of course no one wants their 14 yo kids to have sex and we all do our best to prevent that,.. but don't stick your head in the sand. Have a box of contraception on view in the bathroom if you have teens. So that they can easily access contraception if they ever need to. You can give them all the talks in the world.. and you should have these talks about the age of consent, responsibility, how to use condoms, how to look for enthusiastic consent, pregnancy and abortion etc... you also have to think of the reality. If you think there's any chance at all they may be sexually active then provide contraception. Dont assume they'll have the guts to buy their own or that they are going to abstain till 18 or whatever... that just seems mad to me. Thats what you hope for but still cover yourself by providing contraception. You dont want anyone falling pregnant just because you were too squeamish to leave out condoms.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 10/12/2023 18:16

coffeetofunction · 10/12/2023 18:02

I've provided condoms to both my teens and my DD boyfriend (which I had delivered in his name). Sex is an open conversation in our house and I know both my teens were over 16 when they first had sex with their parents. I didn't encourage sex and discussed boundaries, consent, ect. Teens will have sex when they decide too. Although I feel 15 is too young, it sounds like you need to have a discussion about it and prepare your child

I think (hope!!!) you need an edit? 😬

Xmasblues · 10/12/2023 18:25

When I was in school they used to give us loads of free condoms or we’d go to the local gum clinic but these are much harder to come by now (they don’t give them out in school at all now I don’t think).

I would give him the talk again and tell him you don’t want him having sex before they’re both 16 as it’s just not worth the risk of pregnancy and you don’t want them to look back and regret it.
But you’ve got him a box of condoms just in case because there is nothing worse than a girl getting pregnant before she (and the boy) is ready.

So yes I would get him condoms if you feel that sex is happening or likely to happen soon.
But I would reiterate that waiting is better.

OurfriendsintheNE · 10/12/2023 18:25

Mine aren’t at that age yet but absolutely I would provide a bucket of condoms, for them and their friends to to take as they please and keep it topped up. You’ll not be giving them ideas they’ve not already had.

Xmasblues · 10/12/2023 18:25

Mumtobabyhavoc · 10/12/2023 18:16

I think (hope!!!) you need an edit? 😬

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

Fivepigeons · 10/12/2023 18:26

And from personal experience things could have gone very wrong for me if my first boyfriends mother hadn't been the type to get contraception for her son. Because my family never spoke to me about that nor did I ever see any contraception in my home. When I came to lose my virginity it hadn't even entered my head about contraception. Luckily my boyfriends mum had been putting condoms in the pocket of his rucksack ever since she found out he had a girlfriend! So when it came down to it he had one on hand and used it. I genuinely wouldn't have even thought of it and I look back with horror that I could have ended up pregnant if it wasnt for my boyfriends mum having taken the initiative.
We were both 16 so a bit older than 14 which is very young... but still id be leaving condoms out if I thought there was any chance at all. Better to be safe than sorry.

Sarah2891 · 10/12/2023 18:28

Personally I wouldn't. 14 is so young. I know they'll do it if they want though.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/12/2023 18:28

I think at 14, definitely not. At 16, yes go ahead and do that! 14 is still very very young, and I think encouraging or seeming to facilitate sex when they are that age is a worry. As another poster has said, imagine the girlfriends parents finding out you bought them condoms? Not great!

Not that sex is something to be ashamed of, but at 14 years old it is a massive deal and it really should be off the table- for both of them. The more you make it seem like it’s “okay” for them to be doing, the less serious it may seem to him, so you could be encouraging without even meaning to. Sex almost should be the elephant in the room at that age.

Showmethesunny · 10/12/2023 18:32

I don’t think you should be asking him to come to you if he’s going to have sex and repeatedly talking to him about it. Feels a bit invasive!

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 18:33

@Sarah2891 "Personally I wouldn't. 14 is so young. I know they'll do it if they want though."

So you would rather they did it without a condom?

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 10/12/2023 18:34

Sex with her would be an offence on both his and her parts if she is under 16 - not rape unless she’s 12 but still an offence. Still I agree with PPs that it would be better to provide protection than chance it with pregnancy or STDs.

This would be awkward but any chance you could talk to her parents and see if they’re talking to her about it?

Danikm151 · 10/12/2023 18:34

Make him aware of the sexual health centres around. They can get free condoms there.
is the Brook advisory still about?
Probably less embarrassing than asking your parents and all the posters Will hopefully put them off being irresponsible.

CurlewKate · 10/12/2023 18:42

Please just leave them out. Honestly- anything is better than a teen pregnancy.

Wisdomisnotwise · 10/12/2023 18:49

Sunflower8848 · 10/12/2023 17:34

If the girl is under 16 he could be accused of rape.

So could she. The law is there to protect them both. Doesn't mean they won't do it anyway.

Saytheyhear · 10/12/2023 18:57

Tell your son that you need to speak to his GF's mum/dad so that u're on the same page with regards to parental decisions, legalities and privacy.
If children are being supported to have relationships that could become sexual then you need to consider that not everyone agrees with your parental decisions and how to navigate through as a family.
You have already mentioned that you're open with your son with regards to conversations but it's not just his sex life that's being discussed.
There's another thread the other day of a mum whose son just told her he's going to be a dad and now had lengthy discussions with the girls dad on how he thought she was somewhere else not with her boyfriend. Better to have all these discussions now.

mondaytosunday · 10/12/2023 19:04

No - he will see it as sanctioning. My son I'm sure started having sex at 15, but I told them both that it was not appropriate til they were 16, and I did talk to the girls mum too. He did buy himself a pack of condoms off Amazon though and had a side business at school (he is a summer baby so most others had turned 16)! After he turned 16 I made sure he had some and the mum of his gf put her on the pill.

Mabelface · 10/12/2023 19:14

Buy them. If they're going to do it, they'll do it and far better that protection is used than risks taken.