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Original poster

I dont know if I can stop myself exploding from resentment

76 replies

Faddd · 10/12/2023 10:06

I have 2 siblings, one lives 100 miles away, the other lives up the road. We have a disabled elderly stubborn mother who needs help with a lot of things, and I do most of it.

I have a chronic pain and fatigue condition that lays me really low. The last few years, leading up to diagnosis/treatment plan, have been really hard for me.

But I still do all the mum stuff. The local sibling visits her for an hour or two once every 2-3 weeks, usually less. The further sibling does an overnighter with her once every 4-6 weeks, but turns up at 5pm and then leaves next day 11/12 ish.

I visit at least twice a week for a morning or afternoon, and I do every hospital visit, GP visit, optician appointment, diabetic clinic, you name it, I take her there. I do every phone call, chase things, organise stuff, pick up things, drop off things, my car is full of shite she doenst want anymore.

She is morbidly obese and weighs about 22 stone and I have to push her in a wheelchair to these appointments. When I am in pain and fatigued, this is pretty challenging. I get no help. Its harder for the further sibling in a practical sense obviously, local one just says no.

Every christmas I spend christmas day at mums since she is alone otherwise. I havent had a christmas day with my children in 5 years. This year I asked my siblings if they could tweak their plans and visit mum. They both said no.

Unfortunately I have run out of steam. I feel overwhelmed, unsupported and bitter that even when I ask for help directly, the answer is no.

I just want a break from it.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 10/12/2023 10:11

Does your Mum have a Social Worker? Could you tell them you're burnt out and MUST take a complete break from all this for your own health?

If she doesn't have a Social Worker ring Social Services and tell them the full situation and that you're stepping away for your health.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 10/12/2023 10:12

I agree with pp.

Also tell your near sibling you are done and they have to step up

LimeCheesecake · 10/12/2023 10:15

I think you need to tell your siblings due to your health, you can’t do it anymore. So would they be happy to get together to make a family plan? If they aren’t going to fill the gap, then social services need to take over, does your mum have assets to pay for care?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dementia & alzheimer's General health
Bireadwhatiread · 10/12/2023 10:17

"Siblings I am doing the brunt of the work alone, I am at cracking point and I need more support before I say or do something I regret. I need you to step up."

and repeat.

Original poster
Faddd · 10/12/2023 10:34

@BMW6 No social worker. When asked by anyone, mum tells them shes fine, no problems, coping perfectly well. She might well be fine, Im not though.

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 10/12/2023 10:36

Every christmas I spend christmas day at mums since she is alone otherwise. I havent had a christmas day with my children in 5 years.

Why are you doing this, specifically? Why choose your mum over your children - would you wish your children to do this later? Can't you go for a couple of hours then go home?

What is your mum like, is the relationship good between her and her children?

Nicole1111 · 10/12/2023 10:36

Communicate clearly that you’re not able to manage without support any more and ask them if they can support more. If they say no ask them what they think the solution is then. Don’t provide any suggestions, let them take some responsibility.

bartbert235 · 10/12/2023 10:37

Honestly let your mum be on her own, or pop over with some dinner for her. Don't sacrifice the day with your children either and tell your siblings that's what you are doing

LimeCheesecake · 10/12/2023 10:40

In the nicest possible way, you need to stop coping fine. Is your mum mentally competent? Then you need to talk to her, tell her you won’t be able to take her to medical appointments anymore because you can’t push her wheelchair. Does she want to talk to her other children or shall you explore what help social services can do to get her to appointments?

she doesn’t need external help because you are doing it all. Be clear you are stopping so she needs to face she needs help. You also need to tell your siblings you are stopping because you can’t do it anymore, someone has to step up. If they can’t physically step up themselves, they need to help sort out someone else to do it.

also tell them you are spending Christmas with your children for the first time in 5 years. Mum will be on her own. They can sort out between them who will visit/invite her to their house.

Imagwine · 10/12/2023 10:44

You are going to have to gradually cut down and start doing less. When mum complains then you need to encourage her to get outside help.

”mum you need to pay someone/ask SS/ask sibling. I’ve been struggling with my own health issues and I just can’t keep making myself ill anymore.” On repeat.
You’ve got to be cruel to be kind. It’s no good if you burn out completely so encourage her to depend on you less now.

ionlywantto · 10/12/2023 10:44

I'm the sibling who doesn't help as much.

I have my reasons.

I'd be really pissed off if any of my siblings told me to do more, they do what they choose to and I do the same.

cansu · 10/12/2023 10:45

You need to stop doing what you no longer can. It is hard but if you keep filling the gap then there is no need for your siblings to help nor is there a need for your mum to request help from social care. Decide how much time you are willing to give and stick to that. Tell your mum that you can visit x times but that you can't do xyz. It sounds like this is the approach taken by your siblings

Clar45 · 10/12/2023 10:46

Can she not have carers in? If she doesn’t have assets then she should get funding

WeeOrcadian · 10/12/2023 10:47

You cannot pour from an empty cup OP

They need to step up and you need to spend time with your own children for a change

FuckingHellAdele · 10/12/2023 10:47

Faddd · 10/12/2023 10:34

@BMW6 No social worker. When asked by anyone, mum tells them shes fine, no problems, coping perfectly well. She might well be fine, Im not though.

Then honestly, it just sounds like your siblings have different boundaries to you. Take a leaf out of their book, for your own well-being.

Clar45 · 10/12/2023 10:48

ionlywantto · 10/12/2023 10:44

I'm the sibling who doesn't help as much.

I have my reasons.

I'd be really pissed off if any of my siblings told me to do more, they do what they choose to and I do the same.

Yes can’t understand why people don’t get help in?? Sometimes it’s a case of children not wanting their inheritance to be whittled away but then they can’t exactly complain if that’s the reason

Babyroobs · 10/12/2023 10:51

You visit twice a week. Does that mean your mum is ok to be left the rest of the time? can she get herself washed and dressed etc herself or does she need help with that on a daily basis ?
How often are these appointments, would the hospital arrange transport if you say you can't get her there?

Unabletomitigate · 10/12/2023 10:54

Is your mother a competent adult, with access to a phone and her own money? If yes, then stop doing anything you do not want to do.
Answer your phone and help in an emergency, but just stop.

WinterParakeets · 10/12/2023 10:58

You have to stand up to your siblings. You have to say: It is your turn to have Christmas with mum. In fact it is your turn for the next 10 years - five for each of you, so I can have Christmas with my children. You can no longer leave the responsibility to me. I have told mum you are making arrangements between you to spend Christmas with her. And you both need to share responsibility for her care with me as I am unable to do it all.

You also need to explain this very clearly to her medical team.

It sounds as though she is at the point where she needs to go into a nursing home.

Lemsipper · 10/12/2023 10:59

If you must, be annoyed at

  1. yourself, for creating this as your reality
  2. your mum, for burdening you when she could be trying to help herself more

Children have no responsibility to look after their parents, especially ones who aren’t actively trying their best not to be a burden, like your mum.

I don’t blame your siblings for staying at arms lengths

Also, the fact you are choosing not to spend christmas with your children over your mum is ridiculous. They will remember that.

ChristmasLights23 · 10/12/2023 11:02

Could you visit your mother for an hour on the morning then go and spend the rest of the day with your family?

ChristmasLights23 · 10/12/2023 11:04

As for the rest of the time, if your siblings won’t do any more (and you can’t force them) it’s time for carers and/or pay someone to do some of what you do. You definitely need to take a step back.

Anisette · 10/12/2023 11:05

Faddd · 10/12/2023 10:34

@BMW6 No social worker. When asked by anyone, mum tells them shes fine, no problems, coping perfectly well. She might well be fine, Im not though.

Make a formal request for a full care assessment under the Care Act 2014. Make sure you tell the social worker that you simply cannot cope any more and that your mother will certainly not be "fine" going forwards as you won't be able to look after her.

Namenamchange · 10/12/2023 11:05

Your siblings have decided their boundaries, and are sticking to them. It’s up to you to decide yours and stick to them.

you say your mum is stubborn, you are allowing her to rule your life, maybe your mum need to realise she needs some help in the form of careers but while you do everything, she has no need to look for support elsewhere.

Nineteendays · 10/12/2023 11:06

I think you need to spend Christmas with your children. How old are they? Tell siblings you’re spending it with your kids, it’s up to them what they do.