I dont know if I can stop myself exploding from resentment

[Faddd]

I have 2 siblings, one lives 100 miles away, the other lives up the road. We have a disabled elderly stubborn mother who needs help with a lot of things, and I do most of it.

I have a chronic pain and fatigue condition that lays me really low. The last few years, leading up to diagnosis/treatment plan, have been really hard for me.

But I still do all the mum stuff. The local sibling visits her for an hour or two once every 2-3 weeks, usually less. The further sibling does an overnighter with her once every 4-6 weeks, but turns up at 5pm and then leaves next day 11/12 ish.

I visit at least twice a week for a morning or afternoon, and I do every hospital visit, GP visit, optician appointment, diabetic clinic, you name it, I take her there. I do every phone call, chase things, organise stuff, pick up things, drop off things, my car is full of shite she doenst want anymore.

She is morbidly obese and weighs about 22 stone and I have to push her in a wheelchair to these appointments. When I am in pain and fatigued, this is pretty challenging. I get no help. Its harder for the further sibling in a practical sense obviously, local one just says no.

Every christmas I spend christmas day at mums since she is alone otherwise. I havent had a christmas day with my children in 5 years. This year I asked my siblings if they could tweak their plans and visit mum. They both said no.

Unfortunately I have run out of steam. I feel overwhelmed, unsupported and bitter that even when I ask for help directly, the answer is no.

I just want a break from it.

Stop helping her and maybe it will give her the push to get one. She will say no because your doing everything but you need a life too xx

Gently op, you are being a bit of a martyr here. You haven’t had a Christmas with your kids for five years? Why the hell not? Stop doing so much. And stop resenting your siblings. You do what you choose to do. They do what they choose to do. If your mum really needs help, get some in. She will clearly let you help if you keep doing it - stop and take a step back, for your own health.

You need to get professional paid help in op. You cannot and should not take all of the strain yourself.

age concern can arrange transport

You can't force your siblings to do more. Set your own boundaries and get outside agencies to pick up the slack.

It sounds like she needs to have carers going in, if she refuses then that is up to her, she can't expect you to do it all. Similarly, you can't expect your siblings to. You need to take control and tell the social workers she has no help at home, if you let them think you are able to do it all for her then nothing will change. Also, let her be on her own for Christmas, she is an adult and it is one day, have it with your family and do it on a different day with her and some of your other family.

I disagree with this in the sense you shouldn't tell your siblings what to do.

You can stop visiting Christmas Day but you can't control others.

If your siblings don't turn up, that's their choice but you need to be happy with your decision too.

This is going to sounds really harsh but your siblings don't HAVE to do this stuff. Caring for an elderly parent is full on and relentless. You are always on edge wondering when the phone is going to ring and what the next crisis is going to be. There is often no end point to this, the appointments and running around can go on for years, or decades.

Very few people can put their lives entirely on hold to do this level of caring for a relative. And you don't have to do it either @Faddd !! Given your own health issues it would be entirely reasonable to insist that your mother has a social work assessment, or applies for something like Attendance Allowance which would give her the money to pay for carers.

WinterParakeets · Today 10:58
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You have to stand up to your siblings. You have to say: It is your turn to have Christmas with mum. In fact it is your turn for the next 10 years - five for each of you, so I can have Christmas with my children. You can no longer leave the responsibility to me. I have told mum you are making arrangements between you to spend Christmas with her. And you both need to share responsibility for her care with me as I am unable to do it all”

Er, no.
OP has chosen to take all of this on. Her siblings have made different choices.
None of us are our children’s’ “responsibility”.

You're saying that you cant do it but you are doing it.

Until you down tools completely no-one else is going to pick up the slack. And that includes your mother.

Well then OP as PP have said stop bloody well doing it!

Your Mum has said she's fine so let her get on with it. You have your own life and responsibilities, you are NOT responsible for your Mum!

If your Mum cannot really cope on her own then she needs to contact Social Services.

You are martyring yourself unnecessarily. Stop it.

I agree with PP.
For a start, spend Christmas with your children, hopefully it's them who are hosting? Do they know how low you are feeling? Can they treat you like a queen for the day?
Then it is time to arrange carers and get a social worker involved. Nothing will change if you carry on. Just tell your siblings you can't continue. Don't be surprised if they don't step up though, that's why you need social care involvement. Are there any aspects of care you would be happy to / feel you are able to continue? Appointments for example?

You can't force siblings to step up. But you can start making life easier for yourself.

Arrange hospital transport/taxi for appointments for a start.

How old are your children??

You realise you can also say No too?

Take Christmas. Just send a message to mum and siblings now, saying you're not available on Christmas Day, and that they'll have to sort something out.

Yes, they're walking all over you, but you're letting them. They're being dicks about it, so you have to be a dick too, it's the only way you'll get any respect.

@tomatoontoast - I see what you mean. And you are right. OP does need to step back and accept that maybe no one will step forward to replace her from within the family. But it wouldn't hurt to give them a wake up call. They are allowing OP to work herself into the ground. It's their prerogative not to help either their mother or their sister, that's true, but they may just be lazy because they know she;ll pick up the slack.

Your siblings are not obligated to do more. That said, you are not obligated to do anything that doesn’t work for you either.

If you’re doing more than you want to or can physically manage, stop. Step back. Maybe that will push your siblings to do more, or maybe it will push your mum to find paid help elsewhere or to get support through social care. For as long as you keep doing everything nobody is going to step in and take that off your hands, the only way to get someone else to fill a gap is to step back and create the gap for somebody else to fill. Yes, that might mean there is a short period during which that isn’t being done, but in the long term it means that help and support will have to be redistributed.

I have seen this happen a lot in families and a friend of mine is a care worker as says it’s common.

Usually once the relative dies the absent siblings are interested 💷💷💷

You are in a very difficult situation OP, and although some of the comments on here might appear to be slightly on the harsh side, in some ways they do have a point.

Yes, you do feel considerable resentment which is totally understandable, but your siblings, particularly the closer one, have both set boundaries and you haven't done so yet. Your resentment towards them is perhaps slightly misguided, and perhaps it might more usefully be directed towards your mother, who is refusing all outside help and saying she can manage perfectly well, thank you. She appears not to realise that the only reason she can manage at the moment is because she is putting an almost intolerable strain on you.

It really is time to contact social services yourself, and ask them to conduct a full assessment for a care plan, and point out to them in no uncertain terms that you are at breaking point. You are simply no longer able to continue to look after your mother in the way you have been doing, and that things have to change.

Unless you point blank refuse to help any more, then nothing will change.

Wild stab in the dark, but I'm guessing that the OP might be the only female sibling...

There are a lot of reasons why I won’t do anything for my mother. My sister does do more than me. That’s her choice. I won’t be guilted into changing my stance on the matter.

My sister knows our mother doesn’t deserve the help but says “I feel guilty if I don’t”. Well I’m sorry but that’s her issue. She needs to address why she’s so desperate for the approval of a woman who never really gave a shit about us. I’m not the one that needs to change!

Obviously I don’t know your family dynamics OP. But your siblings aren’t obligated to do more. It’s sad you’ve given up Christmases with your own DC. Stop doing that for a start. If your mum has to be alone on Christmas Day so be it. Plenty of people are. You should only be doing what you can comfortably/reasonably do. There are other options. Your mums stubbornness is on her.

Is there a reason why your Mum can't come to you on Christmas Day?

You need to do a bit of though love . Tell them you are ill and cannot do it . They will either put a plan in place or pay to get her help or find a way to getting it . Then walk out as hard as it sounds just tell them you are away for 2 weeks and do t answer the phone .

nobody needs to "step up" if they don't want to. Nobody HAS to look after an elderly parent. It's a personal choice and if nobody wants to do it then she needs to either have carers or go into a home

OP, you can report your own thread to MN and ask for it to be moved to the Elderly Parents board - very helpful, practical and compassionate there.