I dont know if I can stop myself exploding from resentment

[Faddd]

I have 2 siblings, one lives 100 miles away, the other lives up the road. We have a disabled elderly stubborn mother who needs help with a lot of things, and I do most of it.

I have a chronic pain and fatigue condition that lays me really low. The last few years, leading up to diagnosis/treatment plan, have been really hard for me.

But I still do all the mum stuff. The local sibling visits her for an hour or two once every 2-3 weeks, usually less. The further sibling does an overnighter with her once every 4-6 weeks, but turns up at 5pm and then leaves next day 11/12 ish.

I visit at least twice a week for a morning or afternoon, and I do every hospital visit, GP visit, optician appointment, diabetic clinic, you name it, I take her there. I do every phone call, chase things, organise stuff, pick up things, drop off things, my car is full of shite she doenst want anymore.

She is morbidly obese and weighs about 22 stone and I have to push her in a wheelchair to these appointments. When I am in pain and fatigued, this is pretty challenging. I get no help. Its harder for the further sibling in a practical sense obviously, local one just says no.

Every christmas I spend christmas day at mums since she is alone otherwise. I havent had a christmas day with my children in 5 years. This year I asked my siblings if they could tweak their plans and visit mum. They both said no.

Unfortunately I have run out of steam. I feel overwhelmed, unsupported and bitter that even when I ask for help directly, the answer is no.

I just want a break from it.

Your siblings are much more sensible than you, I'm afraid.

They know their boundaries and stick to them. Quite right.

You need to tell your mother to pay for carers.

It's ridiculous that someone like you, already disabled, is making herself worse by looking after her mum.

Just say no.

No one will step in until you stop. Literally stop. Say no. Report your Mum to social services and her GP and say she needs support and you’ve been doing it all and you can’t anymore. And don’t. It’s that brutal. And before someone comes along and says you can’t do that - you absolutely can because I have. My own Mum got terminal bowel cancer and had copd and all sorts of things and as her only child and only relative everyone expected me to do it all- even though I had a disabled child and was disabled myself. I had to literally let it all go to shit before anyone stepped in.

I'm female.

I'm also closest.

I don't do anything to help - I have my reasons, but anyone "telling me" I had to "step up" would be told to fuck off.

I give zero shits about inheritance - it can go to the cat and dogs home for all I care.

No one gets to demand what I do and tell me I'm taking the next five years or whatever. No one.

Op - stop. Don't do it anymore, it's your choice to do this, if you can't do it, stop.

OP you can contact Social Services and get a Carer's Assessment for yourself. This would at least let you know what help might be out there. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/support-and-benefits-for-carers/carer-assessments/

Your mum is only fine because you're killing yourself looking after her!

From no on every medical appointment needs to be in her home or the hospital arranges transport.

She can pay for a home help so you don't have to go over so often.

Christmas - I don't have an answer except that you just have to be as selfish as your mother and siblings are being.

You are not well enough to take full care of dm, so things have to change. Look into what services she can access and access them. Not seeing your children at Christmas is martyr behavior, which is on you. You do not have to do it all, you are choosing to. I would suggest counseling to find out why you are willing to shortchange your children in favor of your mother. That is not healthy.

How old is dm? She isn't completely incapacitated I'm assuming as pp have said as she must be managing the 5 other days and for personal care and meal prep when you're not there? Is your support mostly social and transport?

The only way I could force my step brothers to care for their mum, was for me to tell them that I could no longer be the one to care for her.
Id spent three years caring for my dad and the care for her just followed on.
I asked for help but it fell on deaf ears, until I said enough.
I gave them two weeks notice. Phoned her doctors, emailed social services and the carers that I’d put in place. Told them I was no longer the point of contact and passed on my step brother’s details. That really was the only way to save my sanity.

It's not your siblings to blame here OP it's your mother. She's quite happy to let you knock your pan in, make yourself ill, miss out on Christmas with your kids, all because she's stubborn and won't accept any help from outside agencies. I couldn't let my daughter grind herself into the ground like this to help me, no way.

I do get that its only me making me do what I do. I just feel sorry for her though....just the sort of compassion you'd feel for anyone in poor health who is isolated. I would love to switch on my 'couldn't give a flying fuck' button but I find that hard to do. Im not asking my siblings to become her carer - I just wanted to be able to chill christmas day knowng she was ok.

To the pp who asked about her coming to mine, she can't get in my house due to steps, and lack of downstairs loo rules it out anyway.

And yes, it's my mum I'm angry with really. The times I have told her Im struggling and it just washes over her. Within minutes she'll be asking me to help with something or other. She totally takes me for granted, and gets snitty when I cant help out with something.

She gets attendance allowance but says she doesnt know what to spend it on because shes 'fine'!

I think Im going to have to let a crisis develop before she'll accept she needs support, aren't i?

You have to ask yourself why you’re so keen to put yourself out to help someone who is so clearly lacking in compassion towards yourself?

Would you treat your own children this way?

I think you should do what your siblings do, which is as much as they can without it completely derailing their lives. You can't carry on like this - you have to get professional social care to take over, or you're going to wreck your own health.

If you asked your siblings not to take over your duties, but to help you get social care in place, would they help with that?

think Im going to have to let a crisis develop before she'll accept she needs support, aren't i?

Yes.

OP your Mum is being incredibly selfish and is making it obvious that she doesn't give a damn about you!

She KNOWS you are exhausted and she DOESN'T CARE.

I'm sorry to shout but why can't you see that you're keeping her warm by setting yourself on fire???

I also wonder if the reason why your siblings don't help more is because they know how awful she is?

So just stop doing it! Your siblings are under no obligation to do any of this stuff, and neither are you.

I agree with all the other PPs. You need to stop, for your own health. Get your siblings buy in to calling in professional help. You’ve done more than enough.

But just a word about siblings and their relationships with parents: most siblings each have different experiences of growing up in the same family. And there could be underlying issues between your siblings and your mother that are not your issues.

I know my relationship with my mother is quite different from my sister’s. They are very alike whereas my mother a I are not. This has made a difference in our experiences of being parented.

So try not to resent your siblings too much. And you might reflect on what it is in your relationship with your mother that’s brought you to this state. Just so you can be aware of not being pulled in against your choice.

You are the one doing the caring and if outside care is required, you do not need permission from your siblings, as they are not working with you to provide care. Your mother will continue to let you keep caring for her, so please step back and look after yourself and your family. It dosent mean you don't love her, but you are unable to continue as you are. Take round a meal for your mother and then please spend Christmas Day with your family. Your mother and your siblings are very much letting you take the strain. Good luck x

You've really got to stop it. You've made a rod for your own back but you can't make one for your siblings. Your mum needs to make adult plans for herself.

Yes, have you grown up in an environment where your dms needs and demands have outweighed everyone else's so you've been conditioned to putting her above everything else, even your own children? I can't imagine a loving grandma/mother doing this to you/them?

Well the Attendance Allowance is either £68 a week or £101 a week depending on what rate she gets. She could easily pay for someone to do some shopping/ cleaning/ gardening for a few hours a week or run errands for her to take some of the pressure off you. That is actually the sort of thing the government pays the money for.

Your siblings have their reasons for not doing things for your DM and may see it differently but the more you step up the more they step back as you're taking care of everything so well!
My sibling absolutely took over the care of my mother and everything had to be her way - she was part hero, part martyr. I think it became her purpose in life but now and then she'd get worn down and get angry about it all. The Christmas I offered to take over she wouldn't let me. You may not be like that, I'm just saying you've partly created this situation and keep putting yourself last.
You need a family conference to decide who can do what when. You can ask siblings to do more but they may decline. You can leave your DM to it, get SS involved, hire carers....make a change.

Can your mum not come to you at Christmas?!

Brutally your kids should be your priority at Christmas, not your mum. If she won’t come to you that’s her problem - see her on Boxing Day or something.

You need to tell both siblings this is killing you and destroying your family, and they need to step up. Have a think about what you want then to do.

Make a massive screaming fuss to your mum’s GP about getting some care asst help - this is about you not her. Also ask about assessment for a motorised chair.

Can you get carers allowance to pay for extra help. Talk to CAB if yoh dont.

This isn’t going to be easy for you - but ultimately you also have to start putting yourself and your kids first. You have to decide what your boundaries are and start sticking to them.

No ones asking you to not give a fuck OP, just to have proper boundaries

I see she can’t get into your house - so please this year go see her on Christmas Eve, leave food and see her again on Boxing Day.

Spend Christmas Day with your kids and just ring her a couple of times.

Seriously