Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Dealing with very competitive school mum

84 replies

Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 06:55

I thought my daughters bfs mum wanted to be friends. However only wants to meet for a cuppa to chat about my daughter, her extracurriculars, what she's doing in school etc.. Anything she finds out my child is doing she gets her daughter into by hook or crook.
For context both are top sets. Other mum left very high powered job & is very wealthy. Her dc's appear to be her projects.
I feel like she sees me & my daughters as rivals!

OP posts:
Seeline · 07/12/2023 08:55

Top sets? In primary school? Is this a private school?

As for same extra curriculars, there is going to be a limited local selection. Maybe your daughter tells her friend what she has been up to who then wants to have a go? Why would the other mum want to find a different class to the one her Dad's friends attends?

Also, how do you find out about days out etc? If a friend tells you they've been to X and had a great time, wouldn't you think - Must add that to our list to visit?

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/12/2023 09:27

I think if you want to stay friends with her then you should just say it's not a competition every single time she starts to go on. If you don't want to stay friends with her then just avoid her.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/12/2023 09:29

I got rid of one competitive mother by reminding her that her daughter was exactly 6 months older than mine. They were aged five so obviously six months makes a big difference. She backed off completely. This was a woman that used to run across the playground to ask me which book my child was reading that night. We were not friends and had never spoken socially, but she would run over every single afternoon to find out what was going on.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2023 09:32

I'm intrigued that this mother and her daughter seem convinced that your daughter is the teacher's favourite. What exactly are they basing this theory on? What does the teacher do/say to portray this to them?

I've worked with children for years and nobody on the PTA would have a clue what I thought or didn't think about the children in my class! 😂

ChateauDuMont · 07/12/2023 09:33

Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 07:53

It's the clubs, our holidays have been copied, she always asks my dd what book she's reading on playdates & gets the same for her child.. She's very involved with the school & seems quite passive aggressive that DH & I "don't chip in".. But we do we support & buy tickets for every single thing going on🙄

Do you not think that your daughter is viewed as a lovely little girl and the mum thinks she's a great influence to be around for her own daughter as opposed to her daughter wanting to be friends with a badly behaved child?

I think you are reading into things and making them a drama when there is none.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 09:35

Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 08:00

No her dd is absolutely lovely & a really good friend of dds.

Show quote history

So honestly, stop overthinking it.

"So what does your Jennifer do at 5pm on a Monday?"
"Oh that's when we've scheduled Japanese Cooking. Do you think Lola would enjoy it? I can give you the details?"

Take the competition out of it.

I cannot believe Lola cooked a full meal for 56 on her second lesson.
Wow that's amazing, our Jennifer is still burning the water!! Wow that's amazing, Jennifer was the same, isn't it great they can cook for us. Wow that's amazing, it took Jennifer a bit longer to get there but I'm glad the girls get to enjoy this together!

I mean unless you're changing clubs every three seconds, surely this isn't even a frequent conversation?

As for books etc, maybe she's just trying I dunno, to do something nice for her kid at no cost to yours?

FourFourOne · 07/12/2023 09:35

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2023 09:32

I'm intrigued that this mother and her daughter seem convinced that your daughter is the teacher's favourite. What exactly are they basing this theory on? What does the teacher do/say to portray this to them?

I've worked with children for years and nobody on the PTA would have a clue what I thought or didn't think about the children in my class! 😂

Yes, this! I’ve been on the PTA on and off for years but don’t have a clue what my children’s teachers have thought about them. Very odd!

Iateallllllthepies · 07/12/2023 09:36

Seeline · 07/12/2023 08:55

Top sets? In primary school? Is this a private school?

As for same extra curriculars, there is going to be a limited local selection. Maybe your daughter tells her friend what she has been up to who then wants to have a go? Why would the other mum want to find a different class to the one her Dad's friends attends?

Also, how do you find out about days out etc? If a friend tells you they've been to X and had a great time, wouldn't you think - Must add that to our list to visit?

My dds school has sets, top, middle bottom from year 4. It’s a failing school in a shitty area, definitely not private 😂

WitcheryDivine · 07/12/2023 09:38

She’s obviously incredibly insecure and I can just imagine what she was like in the workplace! Interrogating everyone in order to curry favour or pass off ideas as her own.

The only answer with these kind of people is to limit the information supply. When she’s pumping you for info just be vague about weekend plans or “can’t remember” what your daughter is reading. Or change the subject. That’s if you decide to keep meeting up with her, I’m not sure why you are doing that tbh as it sounds quite annoying. And don’t be taken in or flattered or worried by the supposed teacher favouritism stuff. This is the sort of thing manipulative people say! Presumably the idea is to make you feel like your daughter has an advantage and it’s your job to help rebalance that.

Iateallllllthepies · 07/12/2023 09:44

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/12/2023 09:29

I got rid of one competitive mother by reminding her that her daughter was exactly 6 months older than mine. They were aged five so obviously six months makes a big difference. She backed off completely. This was a woman that used to run across the playground to ask me which book my child was reading that night. We were not friends and had never spoken socially, but she would run over every single afternoon to find out what was going on.

This reminds me of someone I met near before our children started reception. She put a post up on the local face book group asking if anyone had a child starting reception at X school in September, would they like to meet up. I’m always up for meeting new people and thought it would be nice for dd so said yes.

She invited us to her house and when we got there, the dining table was filled with learning activities. She was just testing to see how much dd knew (not much), and spent an hour saying “oh no, how will she cope!” in a faux concerned voice while showing off her dds skills in reading and writing. Dd was my third child, so I was just bemused at the behaviour rather than concerned about her lack of reading and writing skills at just turned 4!

Went home and immediately sacked off any idea of friendship. They turned out to be in the same class in September and I later found out she’d done that to a few other parents.

She was also one of the parents who would rifle through book bags in the park to see what reading level other children were on.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 07/12/2023 09:45

im surprised by the amount of surprise about teachers having favourites. My eldest has been with the same group of classmates for 6yrs. Without fail, every time school plays and school reaponsibilities are announced you can guarantee it will be the same boy and girl picked every. Single. Time. I mean they played Mary and Joseph every single year and have been head boy and girl plus council reps plus taken on special outings plus captains of sport teams. We are a fairly laid back / relaxed group of parents so I don't think anyone has ever wanted to be 'that parent' who raises it with school and both kids and their parents are lovely so we have no issues with them being chosen. But we can easily see they are the favourites. The only convo I've had about this was a passing convo with the mum of the girl who (very genuinely) said it was a bit embarrassing that her daughter had somehow managed to be picked again for something. So definitely possible for parents to be aware but not smug about being a teachers favourite

Original poster
Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 11:57

I just feel it's so ridiculous, her child is lovely but she's seems very laser focused on her dd being the brightest & best , most advantaged etc.. They are very wealthy so their child is more advantaged than most.
Yes they are in sets, it's not a private school

OP posts:
00100001 · 07/12/2023 18:04

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 07/12/2023 09:45

im surprised by the amount of surprise about teachers having favourites. My eldest has been with the same group of classmates for 6yrs. Without fail, every time school plays and school reaponsibilities are announced you can guarantee it will be the same boy and girl picked every. Single. Time. I mean they played Mary and Joseph every single year and have been head boy and girl plus council reps plus taken on special outings plus captains of sport teams. We are a fairly laid back / relaxed group of parents so I don't think anyone has ever wanted to be 'that parent' who raises it with school and both kids and their parents are lovely so we have no issues with them being chosen. But we can easily see they are the favourites. The only convo I've had about this was a passing convo with the mum of the girl who (very genuinely) said it was a bit embarrassing that her daughter had somehow managed to be picked again for something. So definitely possible for parents to be aware but not smug about being a teachers favourite

You normally get the same kids because they're probably reliable and can learn lines and will actually turn up to rehearsals, practices,games etc.

TheCrystalPalace · 07/12/2023 19:21

Whenever I've put on a play, I can assure you I have no idea who's played what in previous productions. Neither have I any clue whose parents are on the PTA.

And I certainly do NOT have favourites! (but if I did I can promise you no one would ever know about it). It's such a hackneyed cliche that is frankly an insult to every teacher out there, that we would be so unprofessional as to allow this to happen.

Whatwouldnanado · 07/12/2023 19:27

Avoid like the plague. I had one like this who tussled to fold more raffle tickets at primary PTA, ran to grab the last chair to put away and dribbled on endlessly about her perfectly lovely, average kids who were sometimes visibly embarrassed by her antics. The leopard hasn’t changed its spots as when I met her for the first time in about ten years she was still tinkling away, apparently Ds will ‘probably end up’ in same profession as mine, despite doing a completely different degree. Trot on.

Original poster
Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 19:38

It's very tiring. It feels like constant one up manship & trying to see what we're doing. It sounds insane but it's not my imagination!

OP posts:
Christmasss · 07/12/2023 20:45

Have some fun with it, tell her your DD loves Tolstoy and is only happy when she’s playing her harp.

Original poster
Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 21:31

@Christmasss 🤣

OP posts:
amyds2104 · 08/12/2023 10:41

You are just as bad as her to be honest…. In fact I think you are part of the issue and sound slightly jealous that she is wealthy and has the time to be involved in school. I don’t understand why it matters if her children do the same clubs as yours. Surely children would love having people they know go?

amyds2104 · 08/12/2023 10:45

Also how does it affect you that she wants her child to be the best? Like in real life terms? Is she horrible to you or puts your daughter down? If she is then that’s completely different

I find competitive mums tiresome but I manage it by not having them affect my life in anyway and avoid as much as possible.

Original poster
Pennyapple · 08/12/2023 11:14

@amyds2104 yes, she referred to my dd as the teacherd favourite. That to me is an unnecessary comment & undermines my child's abilities.

OP posts:
Fionaville · 08/12/2023 11:17

What a strange way of looking at it. She sounds like she's actively parenting. As in, helping her child to strengthen her friendship with your daughter by buying the same books (so they can tall about it) joining the same clubs because she thinks her daughter will enjoy them too, as her friend goes. This is normal to me.

Original poster
Pennyapple · 08/12/2023 11:25

@Fionaville is it normal for other parents to call children teachers favourites? Firstly most parents wouldn't have an iota!

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 08/12/2023 11:29

Ignore her.

Fionaville · 08/12/2023 11:33

Pennyapple · 08/12/2023 11:25

@Fionaville is it normal for other parents to call children teachers favourites? Firstly most parents wouldn't have an iota!

I wouldn't see an issue in that. I'd take it to mean that your daughter is the one most enthusiastic to learn (as that's what makes a child a teachers pet) added to the fact that this parent is openly 'copying you' she obviously sees your daughter as a positive influence and wants to replicate the conditions which are making your daughter a good learner. She doesn't appear to be being passive aggressive about it, from what you've said.