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Original poster

Dealing with very competitive school mum

84 replies

Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 06:55

I thought my daughters bfs mum wanted to be friends. However only wants to meet for a cuppa to chat about my daughter, her extracurriculars, what she's doing in school etc.. Anything she finds out my child is doing she gets her daughter into by hook or crook.
For context both are top sets. Other mum left very high powered job & is very wealthy. Her dc's appear to be her projects.
I feel like she sees me & my daughters as rivals!

OP posts:
TheCrystalPalace · 07/12/2023 07:54

"Teacher's favourite?"
Hmm

Hubblebubble · 07/12/2023 07:55

Mention the relaxing mindfulness walks in nature you and your daughter go on. If she's a copycat, sounds like that might do them both some good. Relieves stress and anxiety.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2023 07:56

In over 30 years teaching I never had a favourite and never heard any other reacher say they had one. It's not as common as people think. Maybe the teacher lets everyone think they're favourites.

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TheCrystalPalace · 07/12/2023 07:57

The mum informed you? And how would she know that?

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2023 07:57

Suggest you take them both to the track and race them.

Beamur · 07/12/2023 07:58

She's very invested in her kids but that's not a terrible thing. Does her DD bother yours? If not, it's not really a problem that they tend to follow your lead.
I had a Mum 'friend' a bit like this. It was a behaviour that annoyed a lot of people! But her DD was ahead of mine in several areas so I don't think we triggered her anxiety to be the best. She actually turned out to be a thoughtful and kind person - just really fixated on success. I think this was learned behaviour from her own upbringing.

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2023 07:58

The other mum told you that your daughter is the teacher's favourite? How on earth would she know that?!

Original poster
Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 07:58

TheCrystalPalace · 07/12/2023 07:57

The mum informed you? And how would she know that?

According to her daughter (who is lovely) & because she's in the school so much on pta business she knows...

OP posts:
Quisto · 07/12/2023 07:58

Children absolutely do perceive other children as teacher's favourites, and tell their parents. Children who have been obvious favourites in some years feel they are being somehow slighted when they get a teacher who treats them the same as every other child. Not my child, but observed by my child, and feedback from the other child's parent.

Original poster
Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 08:00

Beamur · 07/12/2023 07:58

She's very invested in her kids but that's not a terrible thing. Does her DD bother yours? If not, it's not really a problem that they tend to follow your lead.
I had a Mum 'friend' a bit like this. It was a behaviour that annoyed a lot of people! But her DD was ahead of mine in several areas so I don't think we triggered her anxiety to be the best. She actually turned out to be a thoughtful and kind person - just really fixated on success. I think this was learned behaviour from her own upbringing.

No her dd is absolutely lovely & a really good friend of dds.

OP posts:
GrandHighPoohbah · 07/12/2023 08:00

Does she also have good ideas for extra curriculars, visits, etc or does she just take yours?

Iateallllllthepies · 07/12/2023 08:01

I posted this exact same thing a few weeks ago! (Name changed since then though).

I took the advice I was given, which is that she’s not my friend and to stop sharing things with her.

I’ve not spoken to her since and I am much happier, it was really getting me down.

Bertiesmum3 · 07/12/2023 08:01

Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 07:58

According to her daughter (who is lovely) & because she's in the school so much on pta business she knows...

Show quote history

What A load of nonsense!!

if she’s saying this about your daughter then I’d dread to think what she’s saying about others!

Pelham678 · 07/12/2023 08:05

muchalover · 07/12/2023 07:14

She can only compete if you set up yourself on the other side of the net.

It's disappointing that it's accepted that teachers have favourites because it's your DD. Being the not favourite is massively damaging to those children. Or is it a humble brag?

I totally agree. I had one DC that was always one of the favourites - always got chosen to take the register to the school office, good part in school play etc. and another one who was overlooked for everything (not naughty or lacking in ability - just quiet and more introverted). I was just as annoyed about both of them.

The one that never got chosen for anything would have benefitted so much more from given the chance. Every time he did get any praise he absolutely blossomed. The other one could have got really cocky if I'd treated them differently too but I always tried to be scrupulously fair and give them each the same amount of attention/opportunities.

Original poster
Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 08:10

GrandHighPoohbah · 07/12/2023 08:00

Does she also have good ideas for extra curriculars, visits, etc or does she just take yours?

Always takes ours. Sounds wierd but our last couple of days out dd had told her dd about. A few weeks later she posted both of our days out on her socials calling them "undiscovered gems"!

OP posts:
Heatherbell1978 · 07/12/2023 08:16

I have a similar competitive mum friend. Our DS's (6) are friends in same class. To be honest I turn it on its head completely and counteract her brags about holidays, flashy cars and kids photo-shoots, activities etc with how little we spend on these things. I love seeing her shocked face when I say I buy DS's nice Boden things on Vinted and managed to get family holiday for about a quarter of what she spent. Not rising to it or trying to 'out compete' is key.

LivesinLondon2000 · 07/12/2023 08:16

I meet parents like this quite often. They treat the children as extensions of themselves. Quite often they feel they didn’t do well enough academically themselves at school and see their children as their chance to redeem themselves.
I usually try to steer the conversation away from children to talk about something else and a couple of times, I’ve pointedly said that I hate when parents are overly competitive and that my children only do extracurricular activities for enjoyment rather than to compete and that has got the message across. Only if I like the parent though, if I don’t like them I try not to speak to them at all and just avoid them!

00100001 · 07/12/2023 08:22

LOL 🤣🤣🤣

Of course she's always in the school in OTA business and manages to have these kind of conversations with class teachers that she absolutely knows what kid is their favourite hahahaha

She's bullshitting you and using it as a "weapon" going on about things like "well your DD is favourite so no wonder my DD hasn't had 3 stars this week" or whatever nonsense.

Original poster
Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 08:25

Iateallllllthepies · 07/12/2023 08:01

I posted this exact same thing a few weeks ago! (Name changed since then though).

I took the advice I was given, which is that she’s not my friend and to stop sharing things with her.

I’ve not spoken to her since and I am much happier, it was really getting me down.

It's really hard to explain but it absolutely does happen.
She was awful when they were in reception. Constantly going on about how advanced her dd was. However it transpired that the class as a whole was very able so she piped down quickly once she realised a good few were similar to her dd. It seems to be mine she's zoned in on however!

OP posts:
bombastix · 07/12/2023 08:26

Get used to it. I did. These types can be pretty poisonous if you get on the wrong side of them, ie not tacitly supporting their child's ambitions. It's not really a friendship and you will find that out pretty fast if your child pulls ahead or she has that perception.

GrandHighPoohbah · 07/12/2023 08:30

Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 08:10

Always takes ours. Sounds wierd but our last couple of days out dd had told her dd about. A few weeks later she posted both of our days out on her socials calling them "undiscovered gems"!

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Oh lord! In that case definitely don't share this stuff. At least if she also has suggestions it wouldn't be as bad. Let the girls be friends but don't go for coffee with this activity-grabbing mum!

SandyWaves · 07/12/2023 08:41

muchalover · 07/12/2023 07:14

She can only compete if you set up yourself on the other side of the net.

It's disappointing that it's accepted that teachers have favourites because it's your DD. Being the not favourite is massively damaging to those children. Or is it a humble brag?

This

Cosywintertime · 07/12/2023 08:43

I dunno op, your messages read you’re likely just as bad

Iateallllllthepies · 07/12/2023 08:48

Pennyapple · 07/12/2023 08:25

It's really hard to explain but it absolutely does happen.
She was awful when they were in reception. Constantly going on about how advanced her dd was. However it transpired that the class as a whole was very able so she piped down quickly once she realised a good few were similar to her dd. It seems to be mine she's zoned in on however!

Show quote history

Oh yeah, I had the same experience.

It’s so much better since I realised she wasn’t my friend and pulled away.

Gnomegarden32 · 07/12/2023 08:48

Have you seen Motherland op - it might make you laugh!