Just venting - I'm really fed up with this kind of marriage/life

[2017morework]

Just fed up. Near 50, been married for 12 years and been together for 16 years. DH low sex drive since 15.5 years ago and no sex happened since missions were completed - with DS2 born. He doesn't want to bother to fix it as he doesn't need it and he has low emotional need - very "logical" brain and rarely find being emotional has any virtue.

Good match intellectually with me, as we can talk and talk and talk and nearly agree on everything. Similar view for life style and parenting.

But really a mismatch at emotional level. There's no cuddles and no touches out of love. Don't mention any flowers for occasions ever. Been through lots of "talks", but he just wouldn't get it and never remember to make efforts (simply because I need it but he doesn't).

Awful at housework. Just doesn't see the mess or problems. I can't even express how frustrated all these years by chasing him to do things that I can't do myself. And he gets crossed if I chased too keenly. We have dampness issue in party wall area for 4-5 years. Not an easy fix. But it seems that I'm the only one who still try to think about it or do anything about it. Now there's rain leaking into our bedroom trickling on 2 walls. He doesn't seem to "get it" that something needs to be done. I've given him the phone numbers of a few "may-be-decent" roofers that I spent hours found online going through forums/recommendations (I hate calling tradesmen myself as I always sounded stupid to them). But he's just "too busy" in the day to call in the last two months. We finally got a roofer to take a look at the dampness upstairs. But when I was away doing school run, he managed to forget to show the roofer the leak in our bedroom! How? I mean? How???

He's not incompetent. He works at director level in IT and has good work habit. But I'm so fed up that he never seems bothered to migrate any of his competence at work to household needs. Is it a man thing??? It's so so so unfair!

In the good days, I feel lucky to be able to afford our life style and to share similar pursues with DH and enjoyed the intellectual conversation. But in the bad days like today, I feel so trapped in life, as I know I wouldn't leave just because of all the above. But I feel scared that one day I would end up having an affair that will end it all nastily.

I know life is short. But still I don't think that's enough to justify ending the marriage just for the above. The only thing I can do is to vent on a forum!

My life, my own choice, my own doing, right???

i remember listening to a podcast about how one person cant be everything , just like one friend cant be everything , i think that may be part of this op issue , diff people in your life will fulfil different needs , night out , eve in cuddling, lunchdate , a listening ear , interests ect ect you get me ? i doubt any partner can be everything but if the core of your relationship is solid and hes a good dad and you both still love each other then look for ways to improve things in your life , cleaner handyman whatever , if hes not showing you love and being kind generally then you do need to decide if your happy with that ?

Sounds like a mismatch but wondering why you can't phone a roofer. ? Why is it his job ?

I agree that nobody can be everything for someone but the things OPs isn't (sexual partner/equal housework partner) are both things that only a partner should be. You can't expect you pets or friends to fulfill those roles. What he does do is contribute financially, that's important but you can't base a marriage on that.

Or maybe he’s just a knob? People don’t always have to have a ‘disorder/issue/syndrome’ that somehow explains their behaviour and choices- sometimes they’re just self centred, inconsiderate, time wasting pratts…. Just saying

friends with benefits 😉 ( only joking ) i suspect a large proportion of partners dont do house work truth be told , personally intimacy with a partner is important and does make you connect as a couple but that's just my opinion X

needed that thanks !!!!!

know life is short. But still I don't think that's enough to justify ending the marriage just for the above.

Who are you justifying it to? You don't need permission, it's you that makes the call. However, if you don't want a divorce then you need to work out a way to make your one short precious life more joyful.

I would begin with getting a recommendation for a decent local builder and losing the notion that you can't speak to tradespeople. Your DH didn't get the tradesperson programme downloaded at birth in accordance with his chromasomes, he sounds totally clueless anyway, and who do you think will be calling the roofer/plumber if you were to divorce? You, that's who.

Get a good cleaner in weekly that you like and trust, treat them well and do not let them go. That should be a game changer. Buy yourself flowers whenever you feel like it, most importantly build up your female friendships, these will be your goldmine.

Accept that he is good for xy and z, and you're going to have to look elsewhere for the rest, and do so. Don't martyr yourself because of a choice you made years ago when you were a different person, you have a life to live one way or another. Do it.

You’re welcome honey- so did I 🤣 having DH being a total man child issues myself for 10 years so grab an oar girlfriend - we’re rowing this boat down the river to the sea then the ocean and off into a glorious sunset!!

Just imagine living in a nice, tidy, dry home with all your nice things just as you want them.

The situation you're in sounds horrendous, I'm a single mum and not been near a man in a long time - its brilliant!

You're allowed to be happy and free, you don't need to be a martyr, no one will thank you for it.

I could have written your post.

All of it.

The no physical affection.

The no emotional expression.

The getting on on an intellectual level.

The just ignoring jobs that need doing around the house.

Even the IT director bit.

We separated late last year it was just too much.

We're still good friends but the relief I feel not living in a cloud of resentment is immense.

He lives down the road now and only thinks about himself. Which is great, because it annoyed the shit about me when he pretended he was part of a family and only thought about himself but now he's gone.

Oh, sorry, I missed that mine is being assessed for autism.

Having been divorced twice I can honestly say that it's so much easier living alone, even with dc, than it is carrying a man through life. They may afford you certain luxuries, but imo it's really not worth the hassle. The resentment of having to put up with ineptness, deliberate or not is soul destroying.

Add to that the total lack of affection would have me running for the hills in your shoes op.

Some people might be happy with what you have, but if you are not then you don't need a justification to leave.

I tend to think, each of us has a story. Meeting someone, deciding to tie the knot and being married while carrying all that brings isn't straightforward and probably unlikely to be replicated, as each of us is different...

To confess, there's no more passion, but there's respect, care and compassion. That's what made me accept to settle even after the sex was gone.

I long suspected he's slightly on the spectrum side - but not a typical case though. As some said, it's probably irrelevant as it's not going to change him or my future. It is...how it is. But I guess it does matter in a sense that it means that what has been going on is not deliberate negligence or disregard, but the lack of capability. So that makes you evaluate your partner from a different angle.

We always had multi-layers of issues, his and mine. But I do know if the world ends one day, he'd be there to give all that he has to protect me and DCs, without a doubt. He is a decent man, but far from being how I'd like him to be. That's why I say, I made the decision and gave my vow while I knew what kind of person he is and therefore I do think I have the share of responsibility to bear.

I don't have the answer and may never will...

It's up to you OP, and what you think you can personally cope with. I spent 30 long years cleaning up after my stbxh and being disrespected in my own home and I ended up suicidal thinking this was my life for the next 30 years. I just couldn't do it anymore.

If you think you could cope with tweaks then start employing tradesmen for the repairs, hire a weekly cleaner and gets yourself a pet for the cuddles and a vibrator for sex. If you did those tweaks could you live with him for another 30 years?

I agree with this.

Fundamentally we are mammals and sex is for procreation in biological terms, yes it’s fun etc but it’s not the be all and end all. The grass isn’t always greener. I have a friend whose two sisters left marriages that were not unhappy but a bit stale thinking they would find their holy grail man, guess what - a few years down the line they are both single, living in much reduced circumstances and realising what they gave up.

Great idea ! 😂

What would things look like financially if you split? Is that something that's stopping you?
Of course your lifestyle would probably change but better that than being unhappy.

If you want your marriage to work, regardless of that cost, then you have to accept he is who he is, and still somehow make it work.

Accept that you have to call the tradesmen, (which is a pain in the arse because a lot of them will still look to the 'man of the house' for direction).

Treat yourself, in a regular basis.

Arrange a regular flower delivery.

Find some regular babysitters (if you still need them) so that you can go out, either together or by yourself.

Contact a local "handyman" and see if you can get them to take on supervising these jobs. (Throw money at the problem when you can!)

What IS your DH good at? Try getting him to do more of whatever that mug he be.

But, if you try this and still aren't happy, remember "life is short"! You deserve to be happy. Even if that means breaking up.

But, if you try this and still aren't happy, remember "life is short"! You deserve to be happy. Even if that means breaking up.

I guess I was really hurt that I have been taken for granted. There are things that beyond him AND things that he could have made efforts yet he didn't.

But on the hindsight, I'm unsure how much I shall really expect.

I walked out of the house feeling suffocated the other day. Just felt nobody in the house really understand the stress I carried on my shoulder. The entire Christmas affair was for others, nothing there for me. I walked in the neighborhood in circles and didn't want to go home. But nowhere else to go. So when I came home after one hour walking in the dark cold air, I made it clear that I was near a breakdown. DH stood there listening. In the end, it was too much for him and he went away to digest everything himself in sobbing silence.

Since then, he's been consciously making effort to help out. We made agreements on a few things. Will see if these can improve the situation, my stress as well as our relationship. It's never going to be perfect and I have no delusion. But as previously said, I intend to work on the issues as some of you suggested because I think I gave my vow - part of respect to my own principle, if it makes sense?

Yes, we only have one life. But I don't feel it's justified to only consider my own happiness - after all, my own happiness is built on more than my own needs as I care for other people who share the connections with my life.

I need blessings, as the emotional void is something that's absolutely hopeless...

Since then, he's been consciously making effort to help out. We made agreements on a few things. Will see if these can improve the situation, my stress as well as our relationship.

Based on this I would suggest marriage counselling. Do Relate still do this?
Also you seem fixated(?) on your wedding promise, is this because of your religious views, and would a confidential talk with a minister/priest/rabbi etc help you be at peace with a way out? If it's your own moral code would separate counselling help with why you put yourself last and in mental and emotional harms way because you said "I do". Might be worth exploring.

Bottom line, if counselling didn't resolve your issues and/or he slips back into how he was - do you think you could continue?

You can leave at any time OP but you can't necessarily go back so if there's things to work on that you feel could improve matters it's got to be worth a try. Then at least if you did leave you'd know you'd tried everything. You sound intelligent and good communicators, but if you can't sort it out between you you could try relationship counselling. Usually it would be a waste of time because one party is abusive or very obviously doesn't care, but if he's crying at the thought of losing you (assuming it's that and not just that he'd have to do all the housework!) then he must care. Maybe a counsellor could help you find a way forward.

Also do you think you need a holiday by yourself? A proper break, alone, to recharge - before you fall apart. Anywhere would do, a cheap hotel in your nearest tourist town. It's worth it for you both to call in sick to work for a few days, you to go away and him to manage the children and house, if it saves your marriage and sanity.

Totally this. Dogs and children are easier to live with😊