Just venting - I'm really fed up with this kind of marriage/life

[2017morework]

Just fed up. Near 50, been married for 12 years and been together for 16 years. DH low sex drive since 15.5 years ago and no sex happened since missions were completed - with DS2 born. He doesn't want to bother to fix it as he doesn't need it and he has low emotional need - very "logical" brain and rarely find being emotional has any virtue.

Good match intellectually with me, as we can talk and talk and talk and nearly agree on everything. Similar view for life style and parenting.

But really a mismatch at emotional level. There's no cuddles and no touches out of love. Don't mention any flowers for occasions ever. Been through lots of "talks", but he just wouldn't get it and never remember to make efforts (simply because I need it but he doesn't).

Awful at housework. Just doesn't see the mess or problems. I can't even express how frustrated all these years by chasing him to do things that I can't do myself. And he gets crossed if I chased too keenly. We have dampness issue in party wall area for 4-5 years. Not an easy fix. But it seems that I'm the only one who still try to think about it or do anything about it. Now there's rain leaking into our bedroom trickling on 2 walls. He doesn't seem to "get it" that something needs to be done. I've given him the phone numbers of a few "may-be-decent" roofers that I spent hours found online going through forums/recommendations (I hate calling tradesmen myself as I always sounded stupid to them). But he's just "too busy" in the day to call in the last two months. We finally got a roofer to take a look at the dampness upstairs. But when I was away doing school run, he managed to forget to show the roofer the leak in our bedroom! How? I mean? How???

He's not incompetent. He works at director level in IT and has good work habit. But I'm so fed up that he never seems bothered to migrate any of his competence at work to household needs. Is it a man thing??? It's so so so unfair!

In the good days, I feel lucky to be able to afford our life style and to share similar pursues with DH and enjoyed the intellectual conversation. But in the bad days like today, I feel so trapped in life, as I know I wouldn't leave just because of all the above. But I feel scared that one day I would end up having an affair that will end it all nastily.

I know life is short. But still I don't think that's enough to justify ending the marriage just for the above. The only thing I can do is to vent on a forum!

My life, my own choice, my own doing, right???

Lol Mumsnet bingo

Are you one of those people who thinks he needs to beat or abuse you, or be u faithful for you to be ‘allowed’ to divorce him? Not being happy, or thinking you would be happier out of your marriage, is reason enough. If you don’t think your feelings are important, why would anyone else?

What you've described is extremely common. You will never find someone you're completely compatible with, you know that, that's why you aren't leaving.

To me, it sounds like you have the fundamentals. You have a good lifestyle together, treat each other kindly and have good chat. That's huge. I'm guessing you also have reliability, trust, love. That's also massive.

The sex can be worked on. Not easy, but I think you need to pursue this when you have the headspace. A sex therapist, or you initiating more.

The emotional intelligence can't really be changed but I assume you have friends and family who can provide you with some of that?

You won't ever get everything from any one other person. You have to decide what you prioritise.

For me, I'd take being with my kids dad, having financial security, kindness and love, over having deep emotional talks and displays of affection, but that's just me (I'm not overly emotional).

If you want to stay with him, get a cleaner and sort out the roofer yourself because clearly he isn't going to do it.

If you make clear to him that you are considering leaving he may step up but it is unlikely to last (been there)

You have agency in your own life. You can divorce if you want to.

I find it amazing how many people on Mumsnet have amazing relationships. In the real world, most people I know in long term relationships could kill each other at times. Like you, every relationship has ups and downs.

Dont people say marriages are hard work? For a reason.

Its very easy to recommend divorce. It's harder to work on a relationship. And being single in your 50s, and breaking your family up, isn't rosy.

Wow that took what, 9 posts into the thread before the A word was brought up. MN is slow today!

@2017morework

OP do you really see yourself in this relationship for the next 20, 30 or 40 years? Without the emotional or physical affection you need, or the practical support your lives (including your children) need?

Good match intellectually with me, as we can talk and talk and talk and nearly agree on everything. Similar view for life style and parenting.

Is this ⬆️ really enough in a marriage? 🌹

I agree with a previous poster your DH may be on the spectrum.

Thanks @FrownedUpon, you saved me typing it.

I think i would try a few things elsewhere ending this.

I would accept that you are on your own in managing + maintaining the house. Having a highly competent partner myself, I do get how frustrating this is. But I would just let go of it. If you do end up divorcing and need to sell, it's in your interests to maintain the house anyway, and if the finances are OK, do employ a cleaner and book builders who can work from WhatsApp pictures and otherwise be helpful.

I wouldn't at this point suggest an open marriage, because you sound as if you have one foot out of the door already. Too risky right now of distressing emotional upheaval.

Grow your own flowers (or buy them). Get the pleasures you can legitimately have yourself.

And see how you feel once the house is a better environment.

Why is it more important to you to be in a long relationship than a happy one? Surely the goal should be to be happy and you have spent the last 15 years being unsatisfied. You are supposed to be modelling what a happy relationship looks like to your kids, if you don’t have one you are better off showing them that it’s OK to leave an unhappy one.

i am sure your H also vowed things on your wedding day that he isn’t keeping so don’t worry about that. I got divorced last year after a 20+ year marriage, not one person said “but you promised…”. It sounds completely dead between you.

Look op, this is not like me but I would stick with it. You are going to struggle to find a decent replacement probably, and you could end up with someone worse. If you get on intellectually and are close, that is actually the basis of a solid relationship. Tell him he is putting the marriage at risk by not being sexually active and give it a shot one evening.

You are getting older. Hot sex might not be your priority if he is kind in all other ways. It’s a massive gamble at this point if I am honest. You could end up lonely and poor without the things you left him for.

And?
In which way does it change things for the OP?
Do you think knowing that he is on the spectrum will suddenly make him a sexual being? Or good at housework?

@Newchapterbeckons why does she need a replacement husband? She can be single and happy. It doesn’t have to be current crap man vs unknown future crap man. She could even find someone to just have a casual relationship with. I know after my 20+ years of being married I am unlikely to ever want to live with a man again but not unlikely to have another relationship or two in my lifetume.

The financial hit won’t be worth it

It sounds like a crap deal for you and bad role modelling of relationships for your DC. Being single would be nicer, if you could sort out finances and OK housing.

The sex and affection part could be put down to incompatibility, working fine for him and not for you.

DH not doing his share of domestic work or home maintenance can not. He’s treating you badly, valuing you much less than himself.

if he’s an adequate parent presumably that could continue post break up.

@CreationNat1on perfect!

@2017morework the damp issue was almost identical to a scenario with Ex. I couldn't understand the behaviour until I came upon passive aggressive behaviour. Ex was highly competent but for reasons I will never fully understand, he chose to use his repressed anger with PA behaviour. Building a lovely home mattered to me so Ex used it to frustrate me. Interestingly once we separated he demonstrated that he was extremely capable of running a house that was beautifully maintained.

Just something to consider and see if it resonates.

A previous op talked about building your life within the marriage and that is another option. Outsource where you can and build a network of trades. If you divorced you would have to do this anyway. If you decide to separate prepare to be single (and make peace with this) as the quality of men around age 50 isn't great and it would be unwise to think there are better men readily available.

she will get her fair share in the divorce. They have been together a long time. Might be smaller than current house (I downsized from 5 bedroom house to 2 bedroom apartment) but it will be just hers and hopefully without damp.

^^ this
finally, a realistic balanced view.

Yea this. And it makes me laugh when posters say stuff like “it won’t get any better!”, how do they know? Are they in the OPs life, or just psychic?

To the OP, no one can tell you what your best course of action is, whether that is divorce or staying and working on your marriage. Only YOU know deep down what is best for you - not some randoms on the internet. Seek counselling if necessary to get your head around what it is you ultimately want and need, and whether you can get it from your marriage.

It’s unclear whether there IS love, on each part.

sex and affection can’t be ‘worked on’ if one person won’t.

I think op could find it lonely and difficult, she gets on with her dh so it is likely she will miss his company. All for what? The possibility of underwhelming sex.

The house work could be improved or a cleaner paid for. Getting on and being happier enough is not the worst position to be in.

Leave now. Unless you want this to be your life. He'll probably get worse too, they never seem to improve.

Okay, so you just wanted to vent. Now, how can you make your life better in someway, so that all you don't need to vent?

Maybe explore if there are things you could do to make life more enjoyable and bearable, something for you, your DH won't change, he's happy with the status quo, his needs are being met.

Time to for you to be "selfish". How would you like your future to be? Do you want to end your marriage? Are you happy enough to stay?

Don't hurry your decisions, it's your life. You have choices.

Maybe you should have an affair OP. Would he really mind? If he's not affectionate and doesn't want to have sex with you, does he really care about you enough? Would he only not want you to be with someone else through jealousy. Like he sees you as his but he doesn't really want you as a wife and yet doesn't want anyone else to have you.

Can you really work on sex with someone like that? If I'd been rejected not just for sex (maybe he's asexual?) but for affection too, I couldn't initiate sex with them. Even if they said they'd work on it, it's just not the same if you know they don't want to for themselves and are only doing it for you. That in itself would be a turn off for me.

I could stay in a sexless marriage if everything else was ok but that's because I can take it or leave it. There would have to be affection though. I couldn't be with someone who never hugged me and didn't want to snuggle up together on the sofa. I had one like that and although we had sex, tbh a little bit of me died each day until I wasn't myself any more, it made me depressed. Also I felt like I had to have sex just to get any kind of affection at all, which made me feel shit tbh. Maybe it all hinges on how important sex is to you? Not everyone loses their libidos with menopause. It's true you might find it hard to get a new husband and most of the good ones already taken, but you'd find a boyfriend for something easy going with no intentions for it to go anywhere like living together. That leaves you running a home solo though, so maybe depends how important money and lifestyle is to you. For some people being quite poor, having to think before you spend and not being able to have whatever you like, is a deal-breaker.

You can get affection from friends if they're the touchy feely sort and from pets. It's not the same but maybe it'll be enough? You could try it. Weirdly I found this better once single. For me there was nothing worse than being ignored by the person I was in the room with who was supposed to love me. Yours does talk to you though he's not ignoring you completely.