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Original poster

What do you want / look for in a friend?

61 replies

BullysSpecialPrize123 · 04/12/2023 20:43

What attributes do you like them to have? What makes you want to keep them in your life? What interests you about them?

I've just been reading another thread where one poster said she only has friends who make her "feel good" but how do your friends make you feel good?

I've let a lot of long term friendships drift this year and it's been a strange few months. I'm interested to know what people's standards are friendship wise because to be honest I'm cutting off that many people at the minute I'm starting to think it's me and I'm the shit friend!

OP posts:
Adelaide66 · 04/12/2023 21:11

Being interesting and interested in other people go hand in hand. Plus warmth, kindness and the ability to not take yourself seriously.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 04/12/2023 21:14

People that l enjoy spending time with and look forward to seeing them.

Esgaroth · 04/12/2023 21:21

People with a similar sense of humour and some shared values or interests to talk about - we don't have to agree on everything of course. People who are able to disagree without taking it all too seriously and getting cross.

People who are not always busy so that booking a time to meet up isn't a headache. By that I mean basically people who have time and space in their life for me.

I don't have loads of friends. I'd rather have a few good friends.

catmaine · 04/12/2023 21:39

While I understand you asking and others answering, it's a little bit of a telling question.
I believe that friends find each other because they appreciate certain qualities, but others may find those same qualities unattractive.

My friends tend to not be intense. By this I mean they aren't particularly career driven or competitive for themselves or their children. They tend to be quite spontaneous and don't fill their lives so much that we need to plan months ahead to see each other. They aren't overly bitchy about other people. They aren't jealous of friendships with other people.

These are the things that draw them to me probably because these are the qualities I would say I have myself.
These qualities aren't better than others. Some people would find my lack of planning annoying. Others like to feel that whomever they consider a best friend should feel like that about them. I on the other hand don't feel this is important.

Legselevens · 04/12/2023 22:20

They accept me for me and my flaws and are there for me. I return this by hopefully being a good friend back in a similar way

MotherOfVizslas · 04/12/2023 22:22

Good vibes. Genuineness. Kindness. Funny. Some other indefinable quality that means we 'gel' as human beings.

MMMarmite · 04/12/2023 22:23

We enjoy each others company, make each other laugh, they are decent and supportive.

pictoosh · 04/12/2023 22:23

I like those who I can be entirely myself with.

MMMarmite · 04/12/2023 22:24

Insightful answer @catmaine

SilentHedges · 04/12/2023 22:26

The reasons why I've let some friendships go and distanced myself from people this year are: bad timekeeping (lack of respect for others), inability to compromise (meet somewhere mutually convenient for example) and being difficult or unreliable to make arrangements with. So I need friends to be reliable in those areas. I'm not demanding, needy or need to be in touch regularly, but I do need the people in my life to be low maintenance and functional. As you get older drama is super boring.

Aside from that we'll have common interests, a moral compass set in the same direction, shared values and an undefinable chemistry.

LittleMissSunshiner · 04/12/2023 22:26

Warmth, kindness, honesty, openness, good sense of humour, down to earth, not a gossip or a bitch. I offer the same in return.

I appreciate not everyone's in a good mood all day every day but I can't bear anyone who does that performative moodiness or unsmiling snark.

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2023 22:26

An 'equal' friendship where I'm not doing all the giving, or all the taking. Someone who seems grateful for my friendship, rather than it being a bit of a chore. Kindness. Having a great laugh as well as a deep conversation. Honesty - I hate it when I feel like I've upset people but I don't have any clue as to why. I would rather know than guess.

hurlyb · 04/12/2023 22:29

People who are straightforward, self aware and can laugh at themselves.

People who do not seek drama and talk kindly about others behind their backs.

People who are not flakey.

I've also shed a couple of long term friends this year. It's been painful and I've been really surprised by some of the changes in behaviour.

heartofglass23 · 04/12/2023 22:29

I'd like more/ closer friends than I have.

But these comments are giving me clues as to why I'm finding this difficult.

I have no sense of humour. I take life seriously. I need to plan quite far ahead as I'm quite busy.

UsingChangeofName · 04/12/2023 22:30

Like @catmaine , I actually think it is quite a strange question as I don't "look for" anything in a friend.
I've never gone out and 'looked for' friends in my life.

To me, friendships evolve naturally, over time.
Whenever I meet people, I assume people are nice, and that we will be 'friendly', as a baseline. Some people then just show a side that means I am not likely to 'connect' with them. Some are just nice enough / fine / happy to get along at whatever situation you share. Others somehow just 'click'. For me, I suspect this is often based in similar sense of humour, but then you notice other characteristics too. I think it is often with hindsight that it strikes me what a good friend someone is. There are some people I've known for decades that our relationship never moved beyond 'friendly', but others that are really good friends. However, I can't see that my really good friends are particularly like one another, so I don't think there is a pattern particularly.

I agree with all of this though People with a similar sense of humour and some shared values or interests to talk about - we don't have to agree on everything of course. People who are able to disagree without taking it all too seriously and getting cross.

People who are not always busy so that booking a time to meet up isn't a headache. By that I mean basically people who have time and space in their life for me.

HeddaGarbled · 04/12/2023 22:32

My absolute best friend has no ‘side’. She is genuinely happy for me if something nice happens to me and genuinely sorry for me if something horrible happens. But she’s a rare diamond.

I will happily spend time with anyone who’s up for a chat and a laugh.

thecrispfiend · 04/12/2023 22:33

My friends tend to have some quality that I am lacking in myself - I'm quite a reserved shy person and seem to attract very direct go getting spontaneous types - that personality seems to gel with my own and in turn they appreciate my calm level headedness

WildflowersInAMasonJar · 04/12/2023 22:35

My friends have similar morals to me, they’re loyal and trustworthy, responsible, they make me laugh and are easygoing. So those things.

TheMoreYouKnow · 04/12/2023 22:35

Someone who doesn't make me feel like theyre fitting me in. Someone whom you can have a laugh with and it's not all about their dcs. Recently realised I know very little about one of my friends as she's always on about them and little else.
Someone who knows that I will be there for them.
Someone who will be happy for my successes and me for them.
This is a big one-someone I can trust 100% with anything I tell them and they with me.

Ofa · 04/12/2023 22:40

Irreverent and silly sense of humour. I’ve tried to be friends with nice people who I have lots in common with but if they don’t enjoy a silly quip then the friendship just dies.

loyalty. I’m there for my friends with emergency babysitting / a no-questions-asked loan, and I expect the same back and to not be bitched about

honesty. Can’t stand liars ugh such weak people. If you can’t be bothered to come for a drink just say that, it’s fine. Don’t make up some crap excuse that makes me lose all respect for you.

intelligence. Not like Mensa members more like I can’t be friends with those people who genuinely thought Boris Johnson was a good guy or that the moon landings were fake.

Clydagh · 04/12/2023 22:41

@catmaine is right that one person’s friend is another person’s poison. I tend to like people who work in creative or arts-affiliated fields and who love their work, who are strong personalities, clever, articulate, observant, who are often busy and drop out of the world when they’re ultra-focused on a project. Other people could well find the same people arrogant, self-absorbed, unavailable etc.

When I meet someone new, I’m thinking about whether they interest me. The last two new friends I’ve made are an architect who did some plans for us, and with whom I go hillwalking now, and an artist I met in a bar at a film festival after we’d both seen a film we had very different thoughts about.

PepsiCoco · 04/12/2023 22:41

I don’t particularly go looking.
I do cut people off though if this post something awful on social media.

MidnightMeltdown · 04/12/2023 23:11

Friends come and go over the years but the ones that I've stayed close to have two important characteristics - empathy and loyalty

These are the people who understand how you're feeling without you needing to explain, who will always make the effort however busy or far away they are, who always consider your feelings and do the small things that make you feel better and cared for.

I've also had lots of friends who are fun, charismatic, social butterflies, and I enjoy spending time with them, but it's not the same kind of friendship. They aren't the people you can really rely on to be there when you need them. They are the more superficial friendships - at least for me.

IwishIdidntlikesugar · 04/12/2023 23:31

I think maybe not taking yourself too seriously/being offended for the sake of it. Having a similar sense of humour. Being flexible/available (by that I mean being able to meet up without having to book weeks in advance, not texting all hours of the day!) and maybe listening actively- 2 way conversations, not just take take take.

Boydd · 04/12/2023 23:49

Trust is the most important if I can’t trust you then your not a friend