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Original poster

Kids heard ex and gf having sex

68 replies

PennyLane12345 · 02/12/2023 06:11

My seven and nine year old have repeatedly heard my ex and his gf having sex. My oldest is 13 and also has however I have full parenting time of him so it has not occurred in the past year.

My younger 2 express a dislike for my exes gf, express not wanting her sleeping over or around, my guess is this is part of the reason.

How should I approach this?

OP posts:
RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 06:31

It's surely no different to that of a child hearing their mum and dad having sex though. Not much you can do about it without coming across as a bit of a bitter killjoy.

Original poster
PennyLane12345 · 02/12/2023 06:48

Hmm maybe... I don't see it as normal to hear that or be exposed to that wether it's parents are not I supposed.

I am not bitter and have zero personal feelings towards the relationship it was rather the discontent my kids are expressing. My nine year old has started making sex noises and mimicking it at school.

OP posts:
AnotherCountryMummy · 02/12/2023 06:53

Oh blimey what an awful one to tackle. I feel for you. The thing is, you're unlikely to get the ex and gf to change their behaviour if you do say something. They are careless enough to be having loud sex when the kids are awake/in earshot.

Could you get it to come from the children instead? Could you help them to write a note to their dad as they're likely too embarrassed to say it.

I don't have many other suggestions, but wanted to show support!

WhatHaveIDoneNo3 · 02/12/2023 06:53

RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 06:31

It's surely no different to that of a child hearing their mum and dad having sex though. Not much you can do about it without coming across as a bit of a bitter killjoy.

A child shouldn’t have to hear their parents having sex though, and this seems like it’s happening regularly and not a one off!

OP you are not being unreasonable and I’d be fuming given the ages of your children

RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 07:01

Yeah it's not ideal but it happens. They can certainly try not to go overboard with the gorilla mating noises though when doing the deed. And sorry OP, I wasn't having a pop, just saying it's going to be difficult to approach them on this from your angle. Maybe just make a passing comment or a text something about the school flagging up the kids mimicking sex noises at school and hint they maybe picking it up from somewhere...dunno.

MaryMcI · 02/12/2023 07:09

DC shouldn’t be hearing their parents having sex though.
I think you are just going to have to tell your ex that the DC can hear him and they need to keep it down. And I would also tell them about your son making sex noises - that is gross and inappropriate for other kids as well.

therealcookiemonster · 02/12/2023 07:17

🤢 🤢 in your position I would tactfully say something. really unhealthy.

Makkacakka · 02/12/2023 07:17

RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 06:31

It's surely no different to that of a child hearing their mum and dad having sex though. Not much you can do about it without coming across as a bit of a bitter killjoy.

You're saying this like that's normal too?
OK, a one off maybe. I never did. I walked in on my parents and they said they were 'cuddling' (which I now know what they meant!) but never heard anything. I'd never loudly do it now I have a child either. That isn't right.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/12/2023 07:19

You could try asking your ex how he would feel if the DC heard you and your boyfriend having sex. Then when he says that is inappropriate, tell him the kids can hear him and ask him to keep it down.

Obviously don’t do this unless you know how he would react

WillowTit · 02/12/2023 07:20

obviously you need to tell you ex
no big deal
the dc dont need to hear this

StopLickingTheDog · 02/12/2023 07:20

therealcookiemonster · 02/12/2023 07:17

🤢 🤢 in your position I would tactfully say something. really unhealthy.

I don't think tact is necessarily needed!

napody · 02/12/2023 07:21

RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 07:01

Yeah it's not ideal but it happens. They can certainly try not to go overboard with the gorilla mating noises though when doing the deed. And sorry OP, I wasn't having a pop, just saying it's going to be difficult to approach them on this from your angle. Maybe just make a passing comment or a text something about the school flagging up the kids mimicking sex noises at school and hint they maybe picking it up from somewhere...dunno.

Definitely raise it this way.
As far as the school are concerned it's a potential safeguarding concern. They need to make sure his children don't hear them having sex. Can't believe I'm having to type that tbh but that first reply....

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/12/2023 07:21

Well in your position, I would say they can't sleep over there.

BCBird · 02/12/2023 07:25

I am a teacher who has noticed this happening with one of my y7 classes. It worrying. I can't catch the culprit.

HVPRN · 02/12/2023 07:31

Talk to your ex about it.

Dontgivemeplants · 02/12/2023 07:33

It's not the same as hearing your parents having sex. Not at all. Hearing your parents having sex, while unfortunate, leads a child to understand they were (hopefully) created from a loving union. Hearing one parent having sex with another adult leads a child (before they have had a sexual awakening in this context) to understand that adults get horny.

CityLass · 02/12/2023 07:34

RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 06:31

It's surely no different to that of a child hearing their mum and dad having sex though. Not much you can do about it without coming across as a bit of a bitter killjoy.

Are you for real???

YouJustDoYou · 02/12/2023 07:36

This is actually a safe guarding concern as it is a regular occurance, though you need to speak to your ex first as if he continues to deliberately allow your dc to hear him having sex, this is when it oversteps a line.

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/12/2023 07:39

@PennyLane12345 Could you give your kids headphones to listen to audiobooks in bed? Or could you look into whether there are child sized and child safe earplugs you could buy for them to use?

Honestly listening to other people having sex is uncomfortable even for adults. Poor kids.

YellowWiggle · 02/12/2023 07:42

As a child I unfortunately heard my parents multiple times and then they split up when I was about 8yo - I also overheard my mother and her new fella.
I found it all extremely traumatic.

CurlewKate · 02/12/2023 07:44

This is something for the grown ups to handle. 7 and 9 year olds shouldn't be writing letters to their dad about hearing him having sex,ffs.

AppropriateAdult · 02/12/2023 07:57

I don't get all the suggestions to be 'tactful' and coy, or to get the kids to change their behaviour by wearing ear plugs or writing notes. They're young children, and they need protecting from exposure to adult sexual behaviour.

Send him a message: The kids can hear you having sex when they stay over. It's really upsetting them and X is starting to imitate the noise at school, which is going to lead to serious trouble. You need to stop it now or you won't be able to continue having them overnight.

marcopront · 02/12/2023 08:01

BCBird · 02/12/2023 07:25

I am a teacher who has noticed this happening with one of my y7 classes. It worrying. I can't catch the culprit.

Edited

Are you replying on the right thread?

Journeytosober · 02/12/2023 08:06

From my experience with family lawyers, they have always advised that if there are concerns, you should raise it as and when it happens. They say this because if contact is withdrawn, there’s a clear evidence line to protect you if you decide to withdraw contact and the other parent has had a chance to adapt their behaviour. I’ve always been advised to do this via email or WhatsApp so it’s in writing. If nothing changes, then I’d take some advice on whether you can withhold contact. I am not a family lawyer, I am just sharing my experience from previous advice.

Mummymummy89 · 02/12/2023 08:09

I'm a teacher here and this is a real safeguarding concern, please ignore the pp who replied earlier minimising it. It comes under the umbrella of non-contact child sexual abuse: exposing children to sexual activity. The effects are already being seen: the children are showing age-inappropriate sexualised behaviour at school (mimicking noises). It is similar to letting them overhear porn movies.

Of course these things can sometimes happen accidentally but this has been so often, and the children have made it known at school, you can be in no doubt that the couple are aware. The kids will have brought it up at breakfast time "what were those noises daddy" etc. So this is deliberate behaviour on the couple's part.

Imo this is a big deal. In your position I'd be speaking to the school and raising an official safeguarding concern so they can get support services in touch with your ex.

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