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Original poster

Kids heard ex and gf having sex

68 replies

PennyLane12345 · 02/12/2023 06:11

My seven and nine year old have repeatedly heard my ex and his gf having sex. My oldest is 13 and also has however I have full parenting time of him so it has not occurred in the past year.

My younger 2 express a dislike for my exes gf, express not wanting her sleeping over or around, my guess is this is part of the reason.

How should I approach this?

OP posts:
rwalker · 02/12/2023 11:25

Just simply message or talk to him he might not even realise

just say the kids feel uncomfortable staying as they hear you having sex

wineoclock90 · 02/12/2023 11:36

Makkacakka · 02/12/2023 07:17

You're saying this like that's normal too?
OK, a one off maybe. I never did. I walked in on my parents and they said they were 'cuddling' (which I now know what they meant!) but never heard anything. I'd never loudly do it now I have a child either. That isn't right.

Show quote history

I think everyone has heard their parents. I did 🤢

Saytheyhear · 02/12/2023 11:47

Raise a safeguarding through the children's school. Your children have been abused. They are being exposed to sexual content and it's causing them distress.
The mimicking is them reaching out and raising the alarm, they are struggling with this exposure.
If there's a way to stop overnights until safeguarding has been investigated, do that.
Your children need to be safe in their own home.

Original poster
PennyLane12345 · 02/12/2023 15:01

I asked the question as normally when I raise concerns he freaks and it turns into how awful I am.

I sent him a simple, FYI this is what that the kids told me and they have told me this repeatedly over the past year.

It wasn't perceived well from his end though. The usual.

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 15:49

PennyLane12345 · 02/12/2023 15:01

I asked the question as normally when I raise concerns he freaks and it turns into how awful I am.

I sent him a simple, FYI this is what that the kids told me and they have told me this repeatedly over the past year.

It wasn't perceived well from his end though. The usual.

What did he say?

Agree it's a safeguarding issue.

Thatswhy11 · 02/12/2023 15:58

@RocketIceLollie do you expect your kids to have respect for you? Because if you do, it has to start with you setting an example. I find this topic hard to believe at times. Doesn't everyone try have sex without moaning so loudly the rest of the house can hear you orgasming? Is it really necessary??

Thatswhy11 · 02/12/2023 16:02

@Catandsquirrel really good response. I would send that VIA email and keep a record of it.

Mummymummy89 · 02/12/2023 16:21

PennyLane12345 · 02/12/2023 15:01

I asked the question as normally when I raise concerns he freaks and it turns into how awful I am.

I sent him a simple, FYI this is what that the kids told me and they have told me this repeatedly over the past year.

It wasn't perceived well from his end though. The usual.

Op, I don't think this was ever going to achieve anything. He knows he's doing it. He and his girlfriend are doing this deliberately, so you pointing it out achieves nothing.

The kids will 100% have mentioned it to him in some way "what were those noises last night" etc. There's no way they don't know that the kids can hear.

They could be quieter. They could even abstain on their child-contact days (I assume he has them 50/50, maximum - very simple to make the other days your loud sex days).

By doing this when the kids are in earshot, they are deliberately forcing your small children to hear sexual acts. The kids don't have an option to leave when it's happening, like neighbours can. God knows why they do this - either they're voyeuristic creeps (most likely imo) or maybe somehow they think it'll piss you, op, off in a roundabout way.

You have to raise this as a safeguarding concern imo, and the most convenient way is via DSL at school.

SuspiciousSue · 02/12/2023 16:37

Horrible conversation but I would just go with the facts and leave out judgement. Say something like ‘X and Y have said they can hear you having sex, just thought I’d let you know’. I wouldn’t even bother telling your ex that the kids are upset as it opens the door to him getting annoyed and defensive. Just say it as it is 🤷‍♀️

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 02/12/2023 17:02

How did 13 yo stop contact? And why ?

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 02/12/2023 17:06

I also wouldn't just do it in a casual passive way as we see already different people have different boundary levels and acceptability

namechangnancy · 02/12/2023 18:48

Brainworm · 02/12/2023 09:18

This is an interesting thread which taps into cultural differences.

At the extremes there will be people getting anxious about children knowing that their parents have sex (some of these also referring to legitimate and non legitimate 'union'). At the other end, there will be people getting upset that healthy/ consensual sex / legal is being linked to safeguarding.

When it comes to safeguarding, the context of this is important. Is the father and gf in a different room with thin walls and are they unaware that the children can hear? Are they in the same room? Are they being performatively loud? Is there intent for the children to hear?

The answers to the above should determine what action should be taken.

The first step needs to be to see if the father is aware. I can see that the OP will find this awkward (Brits find this worse than many other cultures). This might especially be the case if communication is already challenging.

OP, perhaps try and channel Dr Spock and say 'Peter and Jane have told me that they believe that they hear you having sex and they find this disturbing/ upsetting'. I know that you want them to feel happy in your home, so please can you do something about this'. This can then be the end of the discussion for you, no matter what his reply. You have left the ball in his court to sort

This.

Also my first thought wasn't they were making porno style noises actually that they might be in a new build and don't realise have thin walls.

I don't think it's ideal kids hearing their parents or their parents having sex with new their partners (who aren't their parents), I don't think it rises to called social services.

It could just as easily be they have no idea and are mortified.

Like when my young child heard our next door neighbours making "funny noises" and our neighbours were in their 70s. I was actually a little concerned one was killing the other so I knocked (and my very rosy face cheeked neighbours had come to the door in an age appropriate but obviously sexy robe) looking mortified and explained.

I don't know who was more rosy cheeked by the end of that convo. And yes we have thin walls, and they were new to the street.

WaddyDarbucks · 02/12/2023 18:54

Children should be seen and not heard, daddy and his GF romping should be heard and not seen!

Lorelaigilmore88 · 02/12/2023 19:07

Absolutely amazed by some of the responses on here down playing this or saying its no different to kids hearing their parents having sex.
Yes, it can happen but by accident not 'repeatedly' as op has said. If its happening repeatedly and all 3 have heard them, ex and gf are either very stupid or they don't care that the children hear them. But the children are of an age where they shouldn't be exposed to sexual behaviour, from anyone.
I would be speaking to ex about it asap and being firm it's not to happen again. If ex didn't take it seriously i would stop them staying over.

Original poster
PennyLane12345 · 02/12/2023 20:32

He said I lie and the kids lie basically. That's kind of how it is with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PennyLane12345 · 02/12/2023 20:35

Emotional and verbal abuse. He just started refusing then it was court ordered. My other two will likely follow at some point but they are still young. It's kind of messy and he just claims alienation etc from my end , which isn't occurring. So the court just hears and he says she says type thing but eventually it will be sorted.

OP posts:
Tay85 · 27/01/2024 05:38

I have a very similar situation going on with my 9 year old daughter. She has all of a sudden developed separation anxiety when it comes to bed time.
After some careful discussions with her she finally confided that she didn’t like her dads new gf and she hears noises coming from his bedroom.
I have spoken with her dad about it and he still insists on having his gf to stay with nothing happening but this still causes our daughter so much upset I am having to intervene at 2am due to constant phone calls and messages from her.
I really do not know what to do with her sleeping arrangements now as she will not leave my side and when I get her to her room she is so hysterical it’s heartbreaking.
She’s my bubbly little girl in the day but as soon as I say it’s bedtime it starts 🤦🏼‍♀️

PennyLane453 · 29/01/2024 00:49

It sucks doesn't it! I cannot offer much as my kids dad just denies it as well. I just make sure to let him know every time my kids tell me just to make him aware. I also feel like if it's impacting her like that and he doesn't care might be worth taking steps to not have her sleep there anymore.

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