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Original poster

Kids heard ex and gf having sex

68 replies

PennyLane12345 · 02/12/2023 06:11

My seven and nine year old have repeatedly heard my ex and his gf having sex. My oldest is 13 and also has however I have full parenting time of him so it has not occurred in the past year.

My younger 2 express a dislike for my exes gf, express not wanting her sleeping over or around, my guess is this is part of the reason.

How should I approach this?

OP posts:
MrsJellybee · 02/12/2023 08:10

marcopront · 02/12/2023 08:01

Are you replying on the right thread?

Show quote history

The poster means the sex noises. Kids sometimes make such noises in class.

Nicole1111 · 02/12/2023 08:11

Tell your ex the school are concerned about your child displaying sexualised behaviour, specifically sounds, and if that happens you typically get referred to social services. Tell him unless he learns to have sex quietly or when the kids aren’t in his care he can expect a social worker to come to his with a possibility in their mind that he’s a sex offender

Ratsoffasinkingsauage · 02/12/2023 08:20

I’d just make a safe guarding referral to school. They will be able to advise and will probably want to know- stuff like this often comes out in behaviour at school and it is always good to know what to look out for.

alexisccd · 02/12/2023 08:24

RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 06:31

It's surely no different to that of a child hearing their mum and dad having sex though. Not much you can do about it without coming across as a bit of a bitter killjoy.

are you for fucking real?

OP, raise it in writing. it's a safeguarding concern. Your poor kids, you must be horrified but you need to step into protect them.

A friend of mine has had significant disturbance and therapy after hearing her parents have sex through her childhood.

Have the school flagged it to you, they would normally only
do so after reporting it as a safeguarding issue

Crazydoglady1980 · 02/12/2023 08:25

As a pp has said, this is sexual abuse and needs to stop either by your ex and gf changing their behaviour or contact stopping.
You children are showing that the behaviour is having an impact on them. I would talk to ex and the school

FrangipaniBlue · 02/12/2023 08:26

RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 06:31

It's surely no different to that of a child hearing their mum and dad having sex though. Not much you can do about it without coming across as a bit of a bitter killjoy.

What an absolutely bizarre response??!!

So do you think it's ok for a 7 and 9 year old to hear their parents having sex? Because I sure as hell don't!

I have a STB 16 year old who I have open and frank conversations with about sex, it's not a taboo subject.

But emotionally, he does not need to hear nor even know about his parents sex life!

Catandsquirrel · 02/12/2023 08:28

Please don't ignore this or go with the suggestion to get your kid to write a letter. Accidentally hearing parents at it isn't ideal but a third party being loud enough to imitate recognisable sex noises is not something the kids should have to just accept.

I know it's awful but could you be completely straightforward with your ex- by text or email so he doesn't have to manage on the spot the embarrassment and get defensive

'hi Barry, I don't want to have this discussion any more than you so will be frank. The kids have mentioned repeatedly hearing you and Sue in bed and have been reported making sex noises at school which they say is following this. I'm sure you both didn't realise you were audible at night unfortunately you are. Please make sure this doesn't happen again. Thanks'.

Any shit from him and I would get quite firm on this being considered a safeguarding risk so he is leaving himself and DP open and upsetting the children.

gotomomo · 02/12/2023 08:31

Context matters so much, hearing a bit of bed movement is not an issue, but one of both being vocally loud is very different. I don't think you need to hide it from kids completely but there's a point where it isn't acceptable and it sounds like in this case that line has been crossed. I have young adults at home and put headphones in!

Venturini · 02/12/2023 08:51

That’s really messed up. I wouldn’t be letting them spend the night until this was addressed.

wishingiwas20something · 02/12/2023 08:59

PennyLane12345 · 02/12/2023 06:48

Hmm maybe... I don't see it as normal to hear that or be exposed to that wether it's parents are not I supposed.

I am not bitter and have zero personal feelings towards the relationship it was rather the discontent my kids are expressing. My nine year old has started making sex noises and mimicking it at school.

I’d call the school, feedback what the children have told you, and see if they might get the safeguarding team to speak to your ex? 🙄

SleepingStandingUp · 02/12/2023 09:08

RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 06:31

It's surely no different to that of a child hearing their mum and dad having sex though. Not much you can do about it without coming across as a bit of a bitter killjoy.

So if you found out your 7 and 9 year old were waking up and hearing you and their other parent having noisy sex repeatedly, you would think "well me making noise during sex is important and you're feelings less so, so tough". Or like a decent parent would you modify your behaviour?

Brainworm · 02/12/2023 09:18

This is an interesting thread which taps into cultural differences.

At the extremes there will be people getting anxious about children knowing that their parents have sex (some of these also referring to legitimate and non legitimate 'union'). At the other end, there will be people getting upset that healthy/ consensual sex / legal is being linked to safeguarding.

When it comes to safeguarding, the context of this is important. Is the father and gf in a different room with thin walls and are they unaware that the children can hear? Are they in the same room? Are they being performatively loud? Is there intent for the children to hear?

The answers to the above should determine what action should be taken.

The first step needs to be to see if the father is aware. I can see that the OP will find this awkward (Brits find this worse than many other cultures). This might especially be the case if communication is already challenging.

OP, perhaps try and channel Dr Spock and say 'Peter and Jane have told me that they believe that they hear you having sex and they find this disturbing/ upsetting'. I know that you want them to feel happy in your home, so please can you do something about this'. This can then be the end of the discussion for you, no matter what his reply. You have left the ball in his court to sort

LittleRedDots · 02/12/2023 09:24

Why dont you just talk to him about it? He may not be aware or might just be a bit naive in thinking the kids are asleep. He might be horrified knowing that his kids have been listening all this time. You just don't know because you weren't there. Making a safeguarding referral to the school before you've even spoken to him seems a step too far. If you speak to him and it carries on then yes, you take it further.

fulawitt · 02/12/2023 09:30

Well dear the children have been making sex noise at school.

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/12/2023 09:38

No-one has to make noise during sex.

No one HAS to.

And doing loud porn star impressions with young kids in the house is borderline abusive in my book and makes me question the morality of the adults I involved.

And if the DC is making sex noises at school, teachers and social services are going to get involved PDQ in any case.

Ffs.

Op, this is not fair on your DCs. Either your XH and his GF put a sock in it or they don't go, end of. Poor kids.

LlynTegid · 02/12/2023 10:06

Have a conversation with your ex, and the point that it could lead to concerns from the school is something you should mention.

napody · 02/12/2023 10:21

LittleRedDots · 02/12/2023 09:24

Why dont you just talk to him about it? He may not be aware or might just be a bit naive in thinking the kids are asleep. He might be horrified knowing that his kids have been listening all this time. You just don't know because you weren't there. Making a safeguarding referral to the school before you've even spoken to him seems a step too far. If you speak to him and it carries on then yes, you take it further.

I agree with this. I said it's a potential safeguarding concern from the school POV. If he knows about it and doesn't act on that info then that's when it becomes an actual concern. He needs to know.(and if he thinks 'she's just jealous of our sex life' well.... so what? You know you're doing the right thing for your children).

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/12/2023 10:38

Ask em to keep it down slightly and laugh it off

Startingagainandagain · 02/12/2023 10:43

@RocketIceLollie

''It's surely no different to that of a child hearing their mum and dad having sex though. Not much you can do about it without coming across as a bit of a bitter killjoy.''

What a lot of nonsense.

Children should not be exposed to their parents or anyone else's sexual activity like that.

They mentioned it to their mum so they are obviously already disturbed by it.

OP, as the comment above has already pointed out this is a safeguarding issue.

No kid needs to hear their parent put on a porn star performance...

LePanthere · 02/12/2023 10:53

Does your ex know?

you need to tell them and then if it continues it’s an issue.

use this as a perfect opportunity to talk to your kids about sex in an age appropriate way. Confirm with them what a fantastic job they did of coming and talking to you about something that makes them feel uncomfortable.

sex is a natural part of adult relationships and it’s important for kids to understand that although I agree they don’t need to be hearing it…. From the way your post is written your ex and his gf will probably be mortified but it’s got to be said…. Good luck!

hangingonfordearlife1 · 02/12/2023 11:03

RocketIceLollie · 02/12/2023 06:31

It's surely no different to that of a child hearing their mum and dad having sex though. Not much you can do about it without coming across as a bit of a bitter killjoy.

well that would be horrible as well. children shouldn't be hearing or seeing anything

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 11:05

therealcookiemonster · 02/12/2023 07:17

🤢 🤢 in your position I would tactfully say something. really unhealthy.

Yes.

No one should have to hear others having sex, especially kids (who already are suffering from the family breakdown) without agency to remove themselves.

FlamMabel · 02/12/2023 11:07

Mummymummy89 · 02/12/2023 08:09

I'm a teacher here and this is a real safeguarding concern, please ignore the pp who replied earlier minimising it. It comes under the umbrella of non-contact child sexual abuse: exposing children to sexual activity. The effects are already being seen: the children are showing age-inappropriate sexualised behaviour at school (mimicking noises). It is similar to letting them overhear porn movies.

Of course these things can sometimes happen accidentally but this has been so often, and the children have made it known at school, you can be in no doubt that the couple are aware. The kids will have brought it up at breakfast time "what were those noises daddy" etc. So this is deliberate behaviour on the couple's part.

Imo this is a big deal. In your position I'd be speaking to the school and raising an official safeguarding concern so they can get support services in touch with your ex.

Exactly this.

StuartSheehyisBack · 02/12/2023 11:14

This would have me stopping visits STRAIGHT away! Until your ex can grow the hell up and behave appropriately.

Texts are great for these types of difficult conversations, awful that you have to discuss a grown man having to stop having sex if him and his gf cant stfu, but there we are.

What will you do @PennyLane12345

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/12/2023 11:18

If one of thems doing the sex noises at school that's not good, you need to message your ex about this and tell him they need to keep the noise down when the dc are there

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