If you have a lovely older child/teen with asd/adhd

[pandarific]

What parenting approaches do you think helped you raise them to be lovely? By lovely I mean: sweet, polite, pleasant to be around.

I am struggling a bit with my 5 yo DS who is very capable however is being defiant, showing aggression and doing a lot of demanding things without asking nicely ‘get me this’ ‘I want that’ as well as teasing his little sister - fairly age typical bad behaviour I know but it can be extreme and trying to contain bad behaviour when out etc is exhausting.

he is in a great school which is very asd friendly and we have the forms for a referral. ND is in the family and I am too most likely. teacher is fond of him, he is popular etc so I’m not too worried about the school element.

I just want to know I’m doing the right thing in general when parenting him, which is: validating his upset, allowing him space to calm down, coming down like a ton of bricks on any violence, making him repeat requests for things politely, etc etc.

I’ve ordered a course from Dr Becky for deeply feeling kids with a will of iron which looks good, I’m working on not losing my cool when he’s eg refusing to do something he needs to do (put on school clothes) and just holding the boundary - ie hits in the park he gets removed from the park until he can show he can behave well.

Any insight on what you did to help your child grow up well would be really appreciated, feeling fragile right now as I’m unwell and had a difficult weekend.

Just to add it’s really really worth getting on top of aggression/self harm as early as possible. I’ve heard countless stories from other parents who now have teenagers who are big and it then gets scary, dangerous and the kids are excluded from so many things it’s heartbreaking, and the families. I feel for them, and I’m in no way saying that this is easy or even possible for some kids.

But nip this in the bud as priority number one. As others have said, it’s usually be removing the stressor. Having to say ‘no’ is the absolute last resort because without removing the trigger (which for my DS could be as simple as another adult innocently asking him questions - I just used to intervene with the adult every time, rather then intervene once my child went off)

The hitting stopping is my main priority definitely. However, he is 5 now and has been doing it since he was 1.5 so it’s not like I’ve not tried a load of different things.

We are having some success, it’s not hopeless and I can see his control increasing as he gets older though - I think we’ll get there.

Ds has a sense of self and defends himself admirably but I would say that his defense has come at a cost at Uni, when flat harmony requires a bit of flexibility. He has learnt the hard way - after he stated his case in very strong terms, they gave in and he got what he wanted but in many ways, it was a Pyrrhic victory - no one wanted to spend time with him as a consequence - he damaged relationships with people who didn't have to tiptoe around him trying to understand how he felt like his family had done. He felt very isolated for a couple of weeks and had to work hard to mend bridges, he did and in that process, we hope he learned that getting your own way is not always in your best interests.

Agree that a lot is personality, but I think that there are harmful spirals you can get into inadvertantly and there are things that I did which I'd recommend (And some which I don't!!)

Most important thing I think was always trying to see the person and the intention behind the action first rather than seeing the behaviour first as a problem to be solved. Relationship and curiosity have always probably been my 2 biggest priorities and that seems to have helped.

Best 2 books have been How To Talk... and When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It.

DS1 was not actually diagnosed with ADHD until he was 10. The bigger factor I think was I was diagnosed with it when he was 8. It helped me put so much into context which is why I suddenly saw it in him. I didn't have a lot of support during the toughest years which were probably ages 3-6. I should have sought support at this time, but a combination of not thinking there was an issue/assuming I'd just be told to be stricter/nobody else was raising concerns. I wish I'd seen this: https://www.instagram.com/p/CzBhyIvOpni/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igshid=N2ViNmM2MDRjNw==

I am quite laid back. I tend to see everything as a collaboration and I don't see my role as being to mould him or fix him. I see it more as it's his life and I'll help him do the things that he wants to do.

We did a LOT of work on emotion coaching from when he was about 4-6. I can't remember everything that we did but lots of talking about ideas to calm down. The sensory jars etc have never worked for him. (I have since learned that this might be because I only ever brought out stuff like that when he was already enraged, rather than just having it as a normal thing that we did when he's calm too.)

Taking myself to another place to calm myself down rather than me exploding as well which wasn't v helpful.

Things improved when we cut screen time. I'm embarrassed to say but when he was younger he was probably having 12 hours of screen time a day. He was basically on a screen all times that he wasn't at school. It was actually when we did the ADHD assessment that I calculated it and thought - oh shit, this is terrible. I'd previously tried to cut it down to half and this resulted in him spending the entire of the other half of the day asking me when screen time would be, pinging around the living room, asking me to do things with him, complaining of being bored literally one second after we finished an activity and generally driving me bonkers. But once we cut it down to max 3h this stopped him from focusing on it for the rest of the day and he would do other things.

Another helpful tool was what I later learned is called a token economy. I made 6 behaviour related goals, worded positively (e.g. instead of "not shouting" "speaking respectfully") and 6 target activities (e.g. cleaning up, being helpful) and put them on the wall and throughout the day if he was veering into a behaviour that we wanted to stop I'd remind him "Hey, that isn't a very respectful way to speak" using the same language as on the chart - but crucially - I would not reprimand or get into an argument about it in that moment, it would just be a very short reminder/warning and sometimes he'd then stop. If he did not stop I just ignored/walked away. This helped SO much because previous to this I'd been getting into multiple battles with him all day every day and they would always always always escalate and I had no idea how to stop that.

At the end of the day we'd have a debrief and I'd tell him all the tokens that he had earned. I didn't explain all the ones he hadn't earned unless he asked. He very rarely asked, because he already knew, he didn't need me to go in and hammer the point. The focus was not on what he'd done wrong but what he'd got right. The tokens could be used the next day (for screen time!) but there was also a bit of - you save up and can get extra. We would also sometimes have a bit of a pep talk/brainstorming session about how he could earn a particular one the next day.

Learning about Executive Functions has helped. There are some good resources out there - Seth Perler, Russell Barkley, ADHD Dude, ADHD Essentials Podcast.

More recently I've learned more about emotional regulation and the nervous system. This isn't a tried and tested recommendation because I didn't have this info when he was younger, but I am using it with my younger DS (5) who is probably not neurotypical. Mona Delahooke and Stuart Shanker are probably the two biggest players here.

Lastly I mostly followed what I thought of as "gentle parenting" but I think the gentle parenting landscape today is more extreme and not as helpful. The concepts of emotion coaching, seeing the emotion/need/communication/stress level behind the behaviour, controlling the environment, collaborating, problem solving, being on your child's side, being positive, understanding sensory needs are all fantastic. Some of the more rigid ideas like never using reward and punishment or all behaviourism is bad, automatically adopting a low-demand approach for all children are IMO not so useful. Modern behaviourism is very positive and can be really excellent and have some good tools, even though there are still aspects that I dislike. There is a course on coursera called ABCs of Everyday Parenting which is very good particularly for explaining effective praise, token economies, finding a positive opposite behaviour, "shaping" which is breaking a behaviour down into steps to work on. (If there are more tips I haven't got that far yet).

Oh and there is this fantastic program called Conscious Discipline which is written by Becky A Bailey for teachers to use in schools with children with challenging behaviour. Some of it is a bit fluffy and naff, but I forgive this totally because it has also been the one thing that has shown me the body language and specific things that I need to do as the adult and specific signs I am looking for in the child. Somehow none of the other things ever explained this. I didn't have this when DS1 was younger but it's making a big difference with DS2.

It's not that easy to access the whole program but I just started out by listening to some interviews with her and then watching the short snippets on youtube for specific tips.

My DS is 12 - he was very difficult before about age 6 but now a very well mannered, kind, empathetic, lovely boy....so far! He is in year 8 and fairly sociable and all the teachers love him and praise us regularly for raising such a lovely child.

I did a parenting course focused on ADHD and ASD (He has ASD). We focus a lot on feelings and what triggered him as he was very violent when he was younger. I would end up with black eyes, he pushed his younger brother down the stairs and strangled him.

Oir game changer was for discipline/figuring out what triggered a behaviour we had the "chill out mat" (Advised at the parenting course). It was a game changer. Similar to 'the naughty step' but MUCH better.

A square of carpet (like a carpet sample or small mat). A small box of toys, fidget like things and when he needed time to think about his actions he would have to sit on the chill out mat to calm down, relax and then think. Before getting up we would discuss the trigger and why that behaviour was not acceptable and next time he felt that way he should come to the mat and chill out prior to the behaviour. Within a couple of weeks he would go and fetch his mat and sit down and do deep breathing and play with his toys. He would swap them to keep it interesting. He would get praised when he went to the mat first to calm down instead of the 'bad' behaviour.

We never really used the word naughty or bad.

Also downloaded some mindfulness apps for kids and would do kids yoga in the morning (on you tube, have minecraft ones and stuff).

I participated in a study for parents of kids who are violent to parents (unsurprisingly, it's a taboo and under-studied topic). DD had little control over that aspect of her behaviour but it did gradually come with connection and age. The researcher said it tends to stop by 10 and she was right.

At 10 she has quite good insight into her feelings (not so much those of others, but you'd expect that with ASD).

We have watched hundreds of hours of Tracy Beaker and its spin offs and I ask her why she thinks the characters are doing and saying things; what they might be feeling.

Also everything @bertiebotts said!

That's fascinating Phineyj (and thank you for pointing out my post - I feel touched!) I am reading a book at the moment called Who's In Charge which is by a therapist who has worked with a lot of families where there is child-to-adult violence. It's extraordinarily long - he badly needs an editor to cut out about 80% of it as there is a lot of repetition to the point I wouldn't recommend it to anyone because the time investment is way too much. When I eventually finish it, I'll do an amazon review suggesting this along with whatever my conclusion is by the end. But it has some really interesting themes. He keeps referring to Lundy Bancroft which is really interesting as I think DV is often badly misunderstood, and it seems this subject (child to parent violence) is too.

We had some violence with DS1 but it was never extreme, once he threw a chair over and I think he shocked himself because he was really upset. That was a big push to do more of the emotion coaching. He didn't do anything that extreme again and actually it was probably the peak of the aggressive behaviour.

DS2 is very into "Let me do that or I will hit you!" and he does, but not very hard. I'm trying to work on it but I have mostly forgotten what we did.

I followed a gentle, low stress approach where possible. I used a mix of "Explosive Child" and "Incredible Years" with ASC adaptations.

For us, I did not make DC repeat requests politely because that led to trouble. Instead I responded to the content of what he was trying to say and not at all to the way he was saying it. DC could be very articulate about certain things and completely incapable of other things. He could give you a long lecture on the planets or dinosaurs or maps, but he couldn't ask for a glass of juice instead of water. Instead he would quickly get enraged.

To start off with my main aim was to get him to use words instead of throwing a physical tantrum or going into meltdown. If he said he wanted something, no matter how rudely, I responded as if he had said "mother dear, please may I have some orange juice". And slowly, as he got better at communicating and more mature and found it easier to keep control, we raised the bar from any (non-physically-violent) communication to polite speech.

So it depends on your child's abilities. And we had good days and bad days, days when things worked surprisingly well, and days when nothing at all worked. But we got there. Overall it sounds as if you are doing it right! Your child still has many years to learn and to grow in. And most important of all - don't forget to look after yourself.

He'll probably grow out of it, (according to the neurodevelopmental team) they learn to control meltdowns as they get older. he may relapse over puberty. You need to manage his emotions for him in the mean time, and work out what his triggers are, work out how much down time he needs, work out his sensory issues and try and get school to put in reasonable adjustments. Things change gradually, meltdowns get less intense and further apart, hitting gets less often. 2/3 chronological age still puts him firmly in 3 year old emotional territory..

Just don’t estimate the huge power of prevention. You as a parent of a young child have all the keys to changing him, basically by changing yourself. Not him. My DS would for example have a meltdown if I asked him to put on his shoes. So I stopped asking him. Started putting his shoes on my by mistake, he thought it was hilarious, and he put them on.

Such a simple thing. But x 100 every day I basically headed off 99% of meltdowns.

I’m so upset. School have called and apparently today at playtime:

• he was upset because he got knocked down by another child accidentally crashing into him
• then he punched another little girl in the back
• the teacher on yard duty went to deal with it and he got cross because he was given a time out and he punched her
• then when she told him off he stuck out his tongue and did a raspberry at her
• when talking with staff he said ‘but I wanted to’ when talking about why he punched the girl and didn’t seem to feel he had done anything wrong

I’m gutted. I picked this school because they have great SEN provision, we’re filling in the forms to get a diagnosis, we’re doing everything right. So why is this happening? And when wi it stop? I want my child to grow up to be a good person - I’m terrified that he won’t be.

and how do we handle this with him when he gets home after pickup from childminder?

The bad news is - no matter what you do, it probably wont get better very quickly. The good news is - it will get better, slowly and with ups and downs. Your DC will develop and he will learn. At the moment his world is firghtening and confusing, children bump into him out of the blue, adults tell him off, and all he knows to do is hit out in return.

I'm so sorry about what happened. For what it's worth I've been there too, more than once. It was like a pattern - a child upset my DC, he would lash out (often not even at the child who'd upset him!), then an adult would intervene and DC would lash out at the adult too.

You are in the worst bit at the moment. The time before all the tests and assessments have been done, so you don't yet know what he can and can't do, and you and the school don't yet know which situations are safe for him to be in and which are too dangerous.

My DC needed very close supervision at playtime. Other kids liked to play with him but things could get out of hand faster than a speeding bullet. So for a long time he had one to one TA at playtime who could intervene, divert, or at least keep the other kids away if it was all going belly-up. DC did mature out of it by secondary age.

I get what you mean about focussing on the hitting, but actually stopping the hitting as such wasn't really possible. The school did punish him if he attacked another child or adult but that didn't stop him doing it. It was just a steady reminder that it was not accepted or excused behaviour. What stopped him was all the interventions upfront - avoiding situations where he was likely to lose control or lash out (so keeping him out of crowded chaotic situations, giving him a separate peg so he wouldn't be crowded in the cloakroom, separate workstation, lots of one to one adult supervision) plus him gradually learning self control and different things he could do instead of hitting out.

What we did when DC got home was the opposite of what many people might think. We kept school and home separate unless the school specifically asked us to do something (and they usually didn't) No matter what happened at school we tried to make sure that home was calm, friendly, reassuring and relaxed. With the help of a parenting group that's what I figured out DC needed most from me. And his teacher told me to keep doing what I was doing because it was helping DC stay calm at school.

Thank you so so much, your words have made me feel so much better. I worry that we’re getting everything wrong, that I’m a bad mum…

We gave him a consequence of no tv this evening because of what had happened. We were very calm and gentle with him, not angry, but he adores tv so we had an hour long sobbing meltdown about it. I’m hoping it sticks in his mind as a consequence of hitting a teacher/another student and that it will be a deterrent, but I don’t know. poor little boy.

I have a 10 year old who has just been diagnosed with asd and adhd. He is a lovely boy who has never been in trouble at school. But.. what he does have is severe anxiety that has been an issue his whole life. This is just a theory as we are new to all of this so please ignore if it sounds rubbish but his teacher a few years ago suggested that maybe he feels more anxious as he holds in any upset or anger which literally comes out as anxiety.

He never had a tantrum or hit or bit anyone, never. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad but instead to try to explain that your son is struggling with things and reacting perfectly acceptably (to him). He just needs to have his stress levels manger as much as possible and taught better coping strategies.

In the situation that you mentioned at school you can see how that would escalate. He gets pushed over so gets cross, hits the girl as he is struggling to control his emotions then gets told off which he doesn't think is fair as he got pushed over first and so gets cross again and is rude to the teacher.

I'm sure his behaviour will improve as he gets older. Have the school put things in place at school to help him if he isn't coping? A quiet area, a trusted teacher to talk to etc?

My youngest (4) although not violent is a lot more feisty than my eldest. Has had many tantrums in his time, displays his anger whenever he feels it and honestly when he does this I am relieved as I think it's important show emotions rather than keep things bottled up and become anxious/depressed like his brother.

I really hope that makes sense 🙈.

Bless him. I hope it does get better for you all.

Something I wish someone had explained to me sooner is about how DC can get into a dysregulated state - you probably know this state even though you may not have words for it. They get "silly" and OTT, or like at school today, one tiny thing will set them off, they will totally overreact and then someone (adult or other child) responds in a totally reasonable way and they are just rude/defiant/aggressive back and it spirals because the adult then intervenes more etc.

It's useful to understand what's happening in their body/brain at this time because it just seems like they are being awful on purpose or bratty or it is a kind of control thing. But actually what it seems to be is basically their nervous system is reacting to whatever is happening around them as though it is a threat. So they will reflexively lash out or do whatever will get them out of the current situation (some kids bolt, some are silly or laugh or blame others, some, particularly kids on the autism spectrum might just go into a non-responsive state e.g. rolled up in a ball)

Why does their nervous system do that? It's to do with a build up of stressors. School is a bundle of stressors. There are other children to deal with, the actual learning/concentrating can be stressful, there might be sensory overload (noise, fluorescent lighting, smells, temperature etc), there might be emotional stress (bullying/being told off/excitement about an upcoming treat), there are a lot of transitions (it's lunch time, it's carpet time, we are doing maths, we are doing singing). This time of year is particularly hard for children with a reactive nervous system because it's out of the usual routine, the children are generally excited, which means they are noisy and impulsive, and there is a lot more sensory stimulation everywhere - lights and shiny decorations and music and lots of anticipation and excitement.

Think of it like a kind of "buckaroo" - those normal everyday stresses build up and up and it just takes one thing like being brushed by another child and they explode. But it wasn't that one item that caused it, it's the combined weight of all the items that triggers the explosion.

The focus at this time should then be getting the child out of the overstimulating environment and somewhere where they can calm down and regulate and helping them regulate again. Instead the usual response (understandably) is admonishment and punishment which just tends to fuel the fire. The DC by the end will give a totally nonsensical response (like "I just wanted to") because they probably have absolutely no idea why they responded like that and perhaps don't even know or remember what triggered the incident. Also, even if they do remember, they could tell you about the child brushing them but they can't explain about the Christmas decorations reflecting the light in their eyes and the singing that replaced their favourite lesson and the teacher's voice being extra loud because she was annoyed with the other children and the smell of the school dinner making them feel ill and the radiator being too hot and their sock being sweaty and having slipped halfway down into their shoe. Because they won't put all of that together and understand the buckaroo effect. Even adults don't do this so a five year old is not going to in a million years.

I totally understand giving him a consequence when he got home. It's up to you whether you do this or not. Maybe just observe and see if it is helpful or not. Please don't listen to people who are absolutist and say things like "You must always back up the school by punishing at home" or "You must never punish at home for dysregulated behaviour at school". You are absolutely right not to let it drag on and on or be overly angry at him but a lot of families do find that a mild consequence like this helps to set the same message as school. While others find that it is more helpful to leave the consequences in school and work on destressing at home instead, finding that a punishment at home just adds to the stuff on the "buckaroo saddle". For example some people find that their children use the TV to regulate their emotions, so in that case it might be a counterproductive thing to use. Honestly it's all very trial and error unfortunately.

If you want to learn more about dysregulation the best resources I've found have been Stuart Shanker, Mona Delahooke, TheOTButterfly, The Occuplaytional Therapist. The first two have books and the latter two are on social media/have websites. There is also a FANTASTIC book/program for schools called Conscious Discipline which is all about self regulation skills. You probably don't need to go in insisting they change everything about their discipline policy but if you look on their website/youtube/listen to a podcast interview with the author, there are so many different skills and tools outlined and you might be able to take individual parts and request them as an accommodation for him. (This is not something I've got to yet, as I didn't know all of this until DS1 had left primary school, and DS2 hasn't started school yet).

Then there is also Ross Greene/ the Explosive Child for another take on why children explode - but this is more about identifying problem situations that keep reoccurring and working out a way to change the scenario so that it doesn't keep happening. I think the emotional regulation stuff is probably more useful as a first thing to look at.

Anyway, clean slate tomorrow. Connection is also great so lots of affection/telling him you love him etc. And find reasons to praise. Kids with behaviour problems get so much more criticism than praise. So anything he does right tomorrow - gets dressed, eats nicely, gets ready, is polite. Notice and tell him. He needs the message that he is a good kid that messes up sometimes - not that he is a bad kid who gets nothing right.

My advice
Choose your battles - sounds like you are doing already.
Violence = unacceptable but if in meltdown the consequence should be an exploration of why and how things could be different next time.
Get rid of the word should for should's sake
Use social stories to explain other (NT) behaviour to give context
Give them a safe space to retreat to where no one can enter without permission unless for reasons of preventing harm.
I have 3 ND children. They're all v different but these non negotiables are written into our family constitution

And for ref, you won't always get it right.
I didn't and I still don't. It's a journey.

FWIW 2 of mine are now doing v well, have friends and are in uni. My littlest is becoming more able to advocate for himself every day.
People love them.

I’d like your opinion on this. We had a crap day today, as after spending all day in the house yesterday I wanted just to get out of the house. We decided to go into down, and DS kicked off, whinging, saying he didn’t want to go, went o the trampoline and wouldn’t get off, refusing point blank to put on shoes/get in car, being a real little brat.

We persisted, because… I grew up with an awful sister who I am now NC with (personality disorder + I believe HFA but she is abusive highly manipulative etc) and she often ruined outings because she didn’t want to go with defiant awful behaviour and rotten screaming tantrums, and our lives were often dictated by her moods. I OBVIOUSLY do not want my DS to behave in the same way, but I saw her in him today and this is not the first time he has kicked off at being taken out. Over Christmas he had a 40 minute meltdown when he went out to the park with my PIL. Awful.

I don’t want a life where we can’t go out because for fear of him being badly behaved, and we just give in and change our plans or he’ll ruin the day. He was a little brat out today - hit me, ran away in the supermarket like a 3 year old… I’m SICK of it. We asked him why he was so badly behaved and he said because he didn’t want to go…. I also obviously don’t want him to get the message he can just kick off and get his way.

How do we handle this? I said to DH earlier that maybe when I need to get out I just take DD and leave him, but isn’t that pandering and teaching him he can control us with bad behaviour?

Also I’m asking the GP to refer us to family services, because I need some help with this, I don’t know how to parent him to avoid teaching him bad habits.

Also requesting a high dose of antidepressant for me, because I came off mine in the summer after a stressful event was over, thinking I’d be okay, and I am very much not.

Hi OP. Your 5 year old is only 5 and he is communicating to you that he doesn't want to go out/do those things. He probably finds the trampoline regulating. He may be a bit nervous of the park or PIL?

If you have the option to not do them or just to take DD then that's probably best. Lots of kids are disregulated by the change of routine of school holidays. Hell, lots of adults are. I always think this dead period between Xmas and New Year has an odd feel to it.

I think quite a few of us with ASD kids have had to adopt low demand parenting along the way.

My (just turned) 11 year old can do and handle stuff that I would have found totally amazing when she was your son's age.

I have had to have a big attitude change.

2 dc, both asd, one add.

Both absolutely lovely, everyone comments on how kind and polite they are.

They were both a bloody nightmare until maybe 8 or 9. I had firm boundaries about behaviour but I'm not sure if that really makes them nice.

I worked hard to help them develop empathy. It's still not a natural way for them but when I tell them about how what they did made me feel they started to change. It's hard to do without guilt tripping though, I am no expert at getting the balance right.

The real change came for us over covid times, every day a routine and spent together, you couldn't just ignore something and send them to school (actually we did at first since they could still go but fewer and fewer kids went in until they didn't want to go). It was tough at first but we came out of the other side with much nicer children.

For balance I'll add they're both way below average at school and I wouldn't mind swapping a bit of teenage rebellion for better academic attainment. Guess you can't have it all.

I'm sorry to hear this, that sounds like a very bad day.

I'm afraid we changed our wants very early to fit with what dc wanted or could tolerate. No foreign holidays because they couldn't cope with airpressure and crowding on a plane, no cafes or restaurants because they can't sit still for that long, we went to the same few play centres and parks over and over again for years. Dull as hell!

We were judged by many for letting the kids dictate our lives - making us leave family gatherings early because they kicked off or would soon - it depends on whether you believe that is willfull naughtiness or over stimulation.

Sometimes it was hard, it wasn't the life with kids I had planned on which was full of activities and experiences. I mourned that life and still do now my friends with similar aged dcs have lots of spare time whilst kids pretty much do their own stuff and we still can't even leave ours alone and pop to the corner shop.

My advice would be to accept your child's lead but get time to do something for yourself - it sounds like it was you wanting to be out and about today not him.

Best of luck. It will change.

My eldest is 21. She is now lovely. She wasn't always. But we remained consistent. There were things we felt were life skills that we insisted on and things we let pass. We always ate dinner together at the table.
Her ASD was a reason but never an excuse. We supported her to learn everything she needed and wanted to do. We did every course going, learning everything we could about her to support her.
We also didn't let her run our whole family, she knew her options/wants weren't the only ones that mattered.
She drives, has a part time job and is dating a lovely young girl man.
It's a long and tiring time and some days were very hard. I was lucky to have a supportive friendship group and my husband was amazing and very hands on.