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Original poster

I hate my life

70 replies

Mybatteryisoutofcharge · 26/11/2023 17:45

I'm so low. I keep tearing up. I just feel so shit. I'll try and keep this short.

I'm 42. Always been single (bar a couple of v.short relationships).
No kids and can't have them.
Hate my job (am looking for a new one).
So lonely, live alone and always have (apart from flatmate when in 20s).
Been on anti depressants 3 times but don't want to go back on them as tablets don't change the loneliness which is the root cause.
I live in a rural place, no friends anywhere near. No true friends anywhere really - well one about an 8 hour flight away.
I work, I volunteer, I walk the dog, I watch TV. Repeat every week, every year. Everyone thinks loneliness is an an old person thing. It's really not. I've tried the limited number of activities/groups in my rural area but it didn't lead to friendships. I can't move (house wouldn't sell in current condition without losing money). I'm broke so can't throw money at the situation.

Every day is the same, every day sucks.

OP posts:

WhatTheFuk · 26/11/2023 17:58

I think this is very common, though not spoken of enough. Especially more so now for people who are having to be careful to avoid covid, when the rest of the world has moved on.

thesnailandthewhale · 26/11/2023 18:02

I hear you and know exactly what you are describing. Sometimes I can mask it, keep busy, but I think at this time of year it's harder - I'd love to go and mooch around a Christmas market, snuggle up and watch a Christmas film etc, but it just highlights I'm on my own. In the summer I can get out for walks more which does help with my mental health, but this time of the year it is dark before / after work. Life just feels like a relentless treadmill with nothing to change the monotony. I find most people tedious, that's an awful thing to say but there are few people I truly connect with. Work keeps me busy but when I get time off it just makes me have to face the loneliness again.

TiredMummma · 26/11/2023 18:03

Sorry to hear everything you are going through. Honestly it's a situation where you should through money at it. Sell your house, take the loss, move somewhere where you can make friends and meet people - if you have no ties move abroad, take up a random career. There is more to life than owning a home. It's risky but if you are unhappy, don't put off pursuing your happiness.

43ontherocksporfavor · 26/11/2023 18:04

Sorry you’re feeling so low. Sounds like you do a lot with your time and are making a difference with volunteering and giving your dog a good home. Do you have family nearby? If it’s friendships that you feel the need for, have you tried any apps? I’ve heard them mentioned on here. A lot of life is monotonous but I get that it’s easier if there’s a person or two to share that with. Have you tried any dating apps?

Jonisaysitbest · 26/11/2023 18:05

I'm sorry you feel so low and lonely. I know what loneliness feels like and how it can really hit you hard.

It sounds like you are being proactive though in changing the job you hate (Congratulations on the new job!) and volunteering which is great. Maybe the new job will yield some friendships?

You mention having a flatmate in your 20s and that you are strapped for cash.
Is there any chance you could get a lodger to help with your loneliness and to bring in some more cash?

You mention anti depressants not being the cure for your loneliness which is true but they might just help you keep pushing yourself out there and stop you from feeling your loneliness so acutely. I think trying to speak to your GP would be a good start.

In the meantime, be kind and gentle with yourself and be a friend to yourself.
Treat yourself to small, inexpensive luxuries even if it's just a long soak in some lovely smelling bubble bath or some nice food.

And keep talking to people on here, there are plenty of us here who know how it feels and who are here with some kind words and support. xxx

saveforthat · 26/11/2023 18:05

Could you move, even though you may lose money on the house. If you can downsize e.g. and buy a small flat in a city there would be more opportunities both jobwise and social.

closingdownsale · 26/11/2023 18:13

Sorry I've no advice, just to say that I feel exactly the same! I used to be able to rouse myself out of it, so I'm just assuming I will be able to again and I'm sure you will too.

It doesn't sound like anything is trying you down, so I'd make a big change in your life, just to have a different phase.

I know it's more easily said than done (I'm too scared to make any changes so I wouldn't blame you if you didn't either), but if you can face it then yeah, take the hit on the house and sell up and move to another part of the country/world, or rent it out and do likewise.

Original poster

Mybatteryisoutofcharge · 26/11/2023 18:23

Thanks everyone. I can't move. I literally have no savings and would make a loss on the house. I can't do that when I have no money spare each month and my house is the only thing I have for my retirement. I also have elderly parents nearby who will need support.

OP posts:

saveforthat · 26/11/2023 18:29

I think you need to get out of the mindset that you can't take a loss on your house. If you really want to change your life and you are only 42 why on earth are you worrying about retirement. Just go for it and make a big change. You may end up in a job that pays more. Or rent out your property and rent somewhere you fancy moving to before making the final plunge. How old are your parents?

Original poster

Mybatteryisoutofcharge · 26/11/2023 18:34

saveforthat · 26/11/2023 18:29

I don't think it's that unusual to need to think of retirement by the time you're in your 40s. I don't have the back up of a partner's income so I am solely responsible for making sure I can afford house/food when I'm retired. Surely that's normal or maybe I worry about it more because I'm on a single income.

My parents are 79 and 80.

OP posts:

SapphosRock · 26/11/2023 18:38

Sorry you are so low but surely just move?

You are 42 with no ties. You could live anywhere.

You have full autonomy over how your life pans out. Think of somewhere you could be truly happy then make it happen.

Original poster

Mybatteryisoutofcharge · 26/11/2023 18:47

But there's no guarantee that moving would be any different so I'd be making myself worse off financially (already broke enough) and I'd be leaving elderly parents. I just don't think it's a sensible choice.

OP posts:

smilesup · 26/11/2023 18:54

In the nicest way, you only have one life and you might as well do what you can to improve it now. No point saving for a retirement when you are hating your current life.
Take a hit for a couple of years. It could be life changing.

repatexpat · 26/11/2023 18:56

42, you are young and I think it's ok to think of retirement plans, but if you look too far ahead, you won't see the now.

As difficult and lonely it may be right now, try change your approach to one thing at a time and try and meet people, book club for example, but with hobbies that you enjoy; or volunteer - a couple of hours a week. You meet all types of people, but all aiming for the same goal and it's quite rewarding - as you are giving.

Don't get static in your mind set either. Sadness loneliness comes to all of us at some point, but you will get through it, one day you'll wake up and start seeing the light. But do talk to people, and as someone said in the post, keep talking whether on this group or others, and in person. We all hear you and wish you support to get through it.

Eyesopenwideawake · 26/11/2023 19:00

Good suggestion about getting a lodger - money and company.

Mojolostforever · 26/11/2023 19:01

Loneliness is dreadful, and it's just becoming apparent that it can easily lead to depression and other physical illnesses.
Really, moving to a town not too far from your parents, would be great for you. Towns offer all sorts of opportunities that are not available in the country, and you could join some groups relating to your interests.

JamieKnows · 26/11/2023 19:04

I wouldn't move, not with your parents nearby and you're sensible to save for retirement.

Can you meet people online? Gaming? What type of things do you like to do? It would be worth travelling weekly for a meet-up with likeminded people. Even a couple of hours drive and a cheap travelodge to try out some new groups would be worth doing.

Blobblobblob · 26/11/2023 19:09

There's an online community that's right for you, you've just got to find them. Pick a new hobby, something you can do from home, and set about joining the relevant forums and social media.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, it sounds really tough.

StateFlowerOfVirginia · 26/11/2023 19:09

What kind of things are you into OP and where are you based?

JoanOgden · 26/11/2023 19:10

That sounds hard! I am single and 40something, and find living in a city is essential for my happiness.

Are there any nice towns near you, where you could either move to or visit regularly for social/cultural events? And how far are you from the nearest city?

It sounds like if you manage to get a new job that pays better, that would really open your options up.

43ontherocksporfavor · 26/11/2023 19:11

@repatexpat she volunteers already.

Holly2285 · 26/11/2023 19:13

Which area do you live in? I would have a look at local groups. Where I am, we have some groups that meet up regularly, walking group, knitting group, just meet for coffee. We also have WI that do lots of different activities etc. I do think loneliness is a big factor for younger people, not just the elderly. But I would think about what would make you happy, and then take those steps. You don't have any commitments apart from your house so the world is your oyster really

Petrine · 26/11/2023 19:13

You sound so sad… I feel very sorry that you feel so lonely. I’m sure those feelings must be amplified this time of year.

You’re already looking for a new job, you volunteer, you have a dog… all opportunities to meet people. There will be people out there who would want to be your friend - the problem is finding them - as I’m sure you’ll know.

are there any groups you can join… craft groups, WI, agility training for your dog?

I hope things improve for you… good luck!

Toesaresoweird · 26/11/2023 19:19

Hi OP. I've nothing to add other than I know how shit loneliness can be. Meet up have some online groups.
What have you been up to today?
Do you have any things you are interested in hobby wise?

wavycurls · 26/11/2023 19:26

Sorry you are feeling so low, can't really offer a great deal of advise as I am pretty much in the same situation but older than you at 58. I live in a one bedroom flat so don't have the the option to get a lodger and even once the mortgage is paid off, I can't downsize!

However, you are much younger and both of these are good suggestions. A lodger would give you extra income plus a little company and since you have many years until retirement, moving and taking a financial hit now gives you plenty of time to recover your losses. Could you move to a nearby town but still be close enough to support your parents?

Sending hugs x

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