I don’t play with or interact with my child

[WhateverIdoIswrong]

And I’m probably going to increase her hours at nursery and I don’t even work.

If she’s alone she will play a bit but if sees me screams for me to play. If I try she screams and has meltdowns as I don’t play the game how it needs to be played (in her mind). If I read a book and say a word she doesn’t like it’s a meltdown. If I try to play with her character toys I end up making them say the wrong thing and again a meltdown . She’s not very verbal and doesn’t sleep well either . Doesn’t really eat well. Stims but these are painful ones like pinching me and hair pulling etc and I’m touched out .

I used to try and try and try now I just avoid avoid avoid. I don’t work and I put her in nursery as I can’t cope with the screaming and meltdowns all the time . I’ve tried so many approaches to playing with her and everything ends up in meltdowns as she seems to plan the game herself and assume I Can read her mind but can’t tell me what she wants me to do.

She had a diagnosis and an ehcp is getting put in place but I feel like day by day I’m distancing myself as can’t cope with the stress

You've said a lot but also haven't given her age or what her diagnosis is. Are you asking for support? Or are you asking a question?

She’s 3.5 years diagnosed with autism and ARFID

And I think I just needed somewhere to say it as I feel guilty as yet again I’m ‘hiding’ in my utility room so I can watch her playing in the conservatory but so that she doesn’t see me

That sounds really tough. How is she at nursery? Do the staff give good updates and feedback?

How about getting outside and running/scooter/trike if age appropriate so it doesn't matter if she screams and you can use the movement as a distraction if that makes sense.

Similar issues at nursery as at home but they are very good with her. I just feel bad as I want to play with her / read to her/ spend time with her and it just seems to frustrate and upset her

Can you ask a member of staff what they do exactly when she starts getting frustrated? Is there one particular game/activity where they have the most success?

OP

Put her in nursery and try to go back to work even part time.
You're not awful just at the end of your teether.
You're a person too.

You're doing your best in very difficult circumstances, OP. Don't beat yourself up.

Why don't you work and put her in nursery full time? You'll probably end up desperate to see her at the end of the week and be much happier.

Plus, presumably you'll have more money for the family and her - win-win.

It’s stupid but I had to just stop going on Instagram too as i used to follow all these accounts for lovely activities for kids etc and I’d try to set up things for dd and she just absolutely hated it all and it made things worse so I felt a failure.

Then when I realised toys were such a trigger I got lots more books but if I even turn the pages wrong or say a word that’s not liked (and that changes daily so I can’t substitute as one day it’s one trigger word the next day a different one) and I feel it’s honestly better that professionals look after her more than me as I just want to cry all the time.

I just feel guilty but then I feel like what a break it would be to work , to have a commute where I’d be relaxing , to be on the same level as people and useful not just screamed at

I feel as if I set myself up to be disappointed and upset each day as I wake up always feeling positive and like ‘today will be good/better’ and within a few mins of he waking it’s just awful again and the screaming. I feel sad that the world is so confusing for her and maybe I need to limit my expectations and tell myself that each day it won’t be good or better it’ll be the same and I just have to survive it as I build up expectations and try different approaches and think ‘this Will definitely help!’ And then it doesn’t .

Lots of parents don't enjoy certain bits of parenting, work full time and pay for childcare. It's a perfectly fine choice for you and your child - it sounds to me like that's the right solution for you. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing great

I just feel such awful guilt I love her so much but I can’t do anything right and I keep trying different things and I can’t seem to make life any easier for her. I’m hoping nursery is going to have a positive impact soon we had no settling issues at all it’s like she’s only aware of her own little world so has zero separation anxiety which was a relief but part of me hopes there’s a breakthrough at some point and I feel better in some ways as these are professionals who chose that job so they so patient and have strategies etc that I just don’t seem to have so I’m hoping it helps her development

I always struggled with play with mine - they’re autistic as well. We didn’t know that till age 7 plus though.

and now I know that I’m possibly autistic as well and that also explains why I struggled with play too. Blind leading the blind

we did a lot of sensory play. I used to take them out walking a lot and looking round trips. Lots of farms and soft plays.

Instagram can make you feel so isolated. Can you follow some asd accounts? It’s incredibly hard and I’ve found the same. Have you looked at play therapy?
It might be she’s also overstimulated and they’re always more likely to blow up with loved ones are have been so overwhelmed all day at nursery. How is she at night? Do you have a good routine where lights are dimmed and you are just together?

Also find out what other stims help her deregulate. You can adapt these to be non painful but important she has something she can do to relax.

And are you on Facebook? There are some autism parent support groups as it is so so hard. I feel your pain.

Can you meet with the sendco for some extra support? You really need to look after your mental health.

Also remember that simple is best. You don’t need to do as many or varied activities. She is autistic, it’s very different. Rulebook goes out.

I hear exhaustion here OP.
You need more childcare by the sounds of it. Do you think you may be depressed? It is very common in parents of children with extra needs x

What's your support network like? What about a weekly ball play activity. I think you not working with a nearly 4 year old is what would really get me down. Go back to work ASAP.

My son is 2 and it's suspected that he's autistic and honestly occupational therapy has been a life saver. It's helped us to figure out my sons needs and triggers and teach us how to interact with him in a way that's safe for him . He has demand avoidance and sensory issues , so we had to change what we where doing but it's made such a difference. We pay privately as waiting lists are so long but it's worth every penny

No real support network as family can’t cope with her so haven’t built relationships probably out of fear of ever being asked to babysit and then that’s why I feel extra guilty as I don’t want to abandon her too if that makes sense but when she’s at nursery it’s my only chance to get anything done or to just sit and enjoy not being screamed at.

dh works full time and the plan was I work when dd starts primary school but if I’m honest I regret that agreement now although at the time we agreed I didn’t think things would be like this

Just get a job and let her go to nursery FT. Routine will suit you both. Sounds like you need adult stimulation too

take instagram posts with a pinch of salt
they may look 'perfect' but it may all be a load of tosh
go with your child and how they want to interact not how you 'should' do things

This must be so hard on you both. Rather than just feel lost,and beaten.which is entirely understandable. or avoid avoid, when shes at nursery maybe,allocated yourself some time to read up\do a course\find support.
No child is "textbook" n even if they are-guarnteed they havent read same one you did. So cut yourself some slack.
"imagined"child and "actual child"can be worlds apart. Thats ok too.
I think it might be real useful for you to actively take back your role, instead of surrendering to being stuck..and check out something educational\diagnosis relevant . Check out advice,stratages(which i really cant spell!)and community support. Stop focusing on whats "wrong" and reframe your way to right.
maybe like this?https://www.tpathways.org/resources/