I don’t play with or interact with my child

[WhateverIdoIswrong]

And I’m probably going to increase her hours at nursery and I don’t even work.

If she’s alone she will play a bit but if sees me screams for me to play. If I try she screams and has meltdowns as I don’t play the game how it needs to be played (in her mind). If I read a book and say a word she doesn’t like it’s a meltdown. If I try to play with her character toys I end up making them say the wrong thing and again a meltdown . She’s not very verbal and doesn’t sleep well either . Doesn’t really eat well. Stims but these are painful ones like pinching me and hair pulling etc and I’m touched out .

I used to try and try and try now I just avoid avoid avoid. I don’t work and I put her in nursery as I can’t cope with the screaming and meltdowns all the time . I’ve tried so many approaches to playing with her and everything ends up in meltdowns as she seems to plan the game herself and assume I Can read her mind but can’t tell me what she wants me to do.

She had a diagnosis and an ehcp is getting put in place but I feel like day by day I’m distancing myself as can’t cope with the stress

Why would you feel guilty for working? It brings me a lot of pride to provide for my family.

Not for working as such but because I’d prefer it to being at home and most parents I think work but want to spend more time with their dc and here I am wishing the time away as it’s so stressful and having daydreams about a commute and romanticising what would be a grotty packed train journey most probably but in my mind it would be absolute bliss to just be doing nothing except travelling rather than being at home feeling like I’m doing multiple things all the time whilst being screamed at

Honestly your situation sounds so much like mine. Currently pregnant with my second which is the only reason I’m not looking for work atm (but will be as soon as the baby is here). Can you start looking for something whilst she’s at nursery?

Also what are your nights like? Mine are exhausting which is why I also didn’t go back to work.

It’s absolutely fine to go back to work.

and if she’s happy playing by herself, that’s OK too!

Playing by herself is fine if she's enjoying herself.

What sort of activities have you tried so far? You (both) might have to reframe what playing together looks like at least for a while. Role play and imaginary play is difficult as you can't read her mind.

What about sensory play? Water, flour, sand,kinetic sand ,rice,playdoh, slime, cornflour with water etc.
Things that you can do alongside her rather than with her . Drawing, building and so on where you each make your own thing.

Baking where you either stick to easy basic recipes or once again you make your own she makes her own and no big deal if she does her own thing.

Books, I would try some sensory / interactive books -lift the flap, different materials /textures things you can move around or stick on (I'll see if i can find an example of what i mean)or very basic sound books that she can interact with. She can "read" to you.

See what ,if anything works and just stick to that.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/hahaland-Sensory-Squeaker-Crinkle-Newborn/dp/B092J6Q6B5/ref=mpssa111sspa?crid=B50E77QFJI23&keywords=sensory%2Bbooks&qid=1700933117&sprefix=sensory%2Bbooks%2Caps%2C104&sr=8-1-spons&spp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRm&psc=1&th=1

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Qizfun-Montessori-Educational-Activity-Preschool/dp/B0B8N6WW2S/ref=mpssa116sspa?crid=3EH6E9XLHTN35&keywords=sensory+books+for+autistic+children&qid=1700933179&sprefix=sensory+books%2Caps%2C202&sr=8-6-spons&spp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfbXRm&psc=1

https://www.amazon.co.uk/HJCMikee-Toddler-Education-Learning-Developing/dp/B0C9ZZV22F/ref=mpssa118?crid=3EH6E9XLHTN35&keywords=sensory+books+for+autistic+children&qid=1700933179&sprefix=sensory+books%2Caps%2C202&sr=8-8

Things like these.

Have you tried just sitting beside her and mirroring her play, copy how she is playing, don't interrupt her play with questions instead try a minimal commentary (You chose a red brick, I see you dressing your doll). Follow her lead instead of assuming she wants to play with a toy like you would. It feels weird but can be lovely and companionable.

What's she like when's she outdoors??

It’s stupid but I had to just stop going on Instagram too as i used to follow all these accounts for lovely activities for kids etc and I’d try to set up things for dd and she just absolutely hated it all and it made things worse so I felt a failure.

^^

Yeah, insta is a load of bollocks for most parents to be honest

50% of the time screaming and fighting to get away to run away or the other 50% of the time face down on the path screaming. At nursery she doesn’t do this but they said she wanders around as if daydreaming and won’t play with anything just walks round and round the same way each time but I think at least she’s not screaming so maybe she’s processing the new environment and might play there outside ?

You need to get some professional help for how you are coping with the impact of your little ones needs. Lots of parents struggle in coming to terms with how different their child is from what they had imagined and for some they say it can feel like a grief and interrupt the bonding and attachment process. You can find your own setting to connect with your child in a way that doesn't make you feel you are failing. Please research parent groups in your area for families with special needs, even a Facebook group could give support. National Autistic Society may be of help too. Apologies if you have already done this and I hope you can find the support you need. 💐

This is going in circles.

Work. Get a job.

no - very many many doctors, lawyers, engineers, teachers, academics, and infinite professions - have people working in them with genuine interest and pride in what they do. Not because they have to.

Shes already settled into a nursery. You are already craving adult contact. No adjusting needed. Just work?

Occupational therapy might help to offer some insight into responding to your little one and your upset at wanting to play and read etc with her. I'm sure you know this but sensory overload can be a big factor and doing an 'audit' of your home environment can help you see what are the spaces she goes in the most or favours. Notice the flooring, what is at eye level for her, is there a lot of visual stimulation, primary colours etc, are the surfaces cluttered so lead to visual overwhelm. Are the fabrics she wears natural, does she need to be naked, does want to take socks off and get sensory feedback through feet. Visual and auditory overwhelm can be so triggering and painful to some people. This site has excellent information about children's different behaviours, needs, sensory etc. Your relationship and your self esteem can improve.

https://www.nhsggc.org.uk/kids

When you have an autistic child play often looks very different. I sometimes narrate what my son is doing, or I sit with him and watch his film and sing the songs. I do people games like tickling. Lots of sensory stuff like sand, textures. Sometimes it's just being there with him, he doesn't constsntly want my input but he likes to know I'm there. We might have a 1 min interaction, later on a 3 minutes... Small moments of joint attention.

Are you getting OT and SLT support? Sounds like you need help engaging with her. Are nursery being helpful? Is she managing full days?

There's no way i could work full time as my son has such significant support needs but it sounds like you do need to find some work for your mental health

@WhateverIdoIswrong

Oh I could have written this post. I have a 3.5 non verbal ASD DS and omg I find looking after him actually painful. It is painful, he scratches, bites, body slams…etc and he’s 23kg and 115cm so it HURTS!
Theres so little engagement and he constantly makes this awful awful whinging noise.

Ive had so much enthusiasm over the last 2 years, I’ve tried so hard but now I just wish I didn’t have to live this life anymore. I also have a 2yo NT DD and it’s ruining her life as much as ours

My heart goes out to you OP, that sounds really tough and your pain comes through your post. Two possible ideas:

First, if she's autistic, does she have a special interest? With mine I've found getting books about the special interest made all the difference.

Second, have you had input from a sensory integration occupational therapist? Not an occupational therapist focused on functional skills, but one that assesses what sensory needs and triggers a child has, and tells you what you can build into your day to help regulate your child throughout the day. It can be an absolute game changer to understand this. And then you can try to find activities to do with her that will be great for her sensory-wise and therefore perhaps be met with less resistance.

All the best, I really wish you well Your post was so heartfelt.

Oh, this is so hard. I remember this from when my ASD DD was younger. I think the advice you’ve had upthread to throw out any normal idea of what play is and follow her interests is right. I found the weird games with the rigid but incomprehensible rules really really hard, so we mostly focused on jigsaws, painting and art, some lining up. Getting the right professional help is also key, to identify any sensory or processing issues, and the triggers which are most important to avoid. Ignore NT Instagram - it’ll just make you feel worse. But there are some useful ND accounts.

2 full days and I’m thinking to up it after Xmas . My only worry about working is currently we have a lot of appts and she hardly sleeps so I’m really exhausted I’m not sure if I need to put her in nursery more and work part time or put her in nursery more and just try to find something to do for myself and then (as agreed with dh previously) return to work when dd starts primary school. Either way I need to do something to distract myself as I feel overwhelmed and like I don’t think or worry about anything else

The problem is... When your child doesn't sleep sometimes you just can't function and do a job. My son is so overwhelmed by school he only does a couple of hours. It would never be possible to work properly.

It sounds like you need a break, how involved in your partner?

He works full time but does a lot on his day off and in the evenings does a lot of cleaning if I’ve had a bad day with dd and not managed much except for looking after her.

And if there’s a day where she has more than one appt he will book the day off to come as well as she can get overtired and difficult to manage

I'm so sorry OP and @Thehonestbadger that sounds horrific.

Is she ok just playing alone, if so maybe she doesn't want interaction. Does she have a repetitive game that she enjoys? I'd so I'd let her do this as often as she likes and facilitate her with any other stimming behaviours. I think individual OT would be good for her, and for you to get guidance.

Could you get some noise cancelling headphones to wear whenever you try to play with/read to her?

Not the same I know but my babies had colic and listening to music with headphones in when they cried for ages stopped me going insane.

If you could manage it with the lack of sleep, working full time isn't a bad idea. You could always give it a try and quit if it doesn't work out.

Sorry just seen about the appointments.