I don’t play with or interact with my child

[WhateverIdoIswrong]

And I’m probably going to increase her hours at nursery and I don’t even work.

If she’s alone she will play a bit but if sees me screams for me to play. If I try she screams and has meltdowns as I don’t play the game how it needs to be played (in her mind). If I read a book and say a word she doesn’t like it’s a meltdown. If I try to play with her character toys I end up making them say the wrong thing and again a meltdown . She’s not very verbal and doesn’t sleep well either . Doesn’t really eat well. Stims but these are painful ones like pinching me and hair pulling etc and I’m touched out .

I used to try and try and try now I just avoid avoid avoid. I don’t work and I put her in nursery as I can’t cope with the screaming and meltdowns all the time . I’ve tried so many approaches to playing with her and everything ends up in meltdowns as she seems to plan the game herself and assume I Can read her mind but can’t tell me what she wants me to do.

She had a diagnosis and an ehcp is getting put in place but I feel like day by day I’m distancing myself as can’t cope with the stress

If this helps aswell I think 3.5 was the worst age for us so far my son is nearly 5 and though still non verbal and bigger the hitting and violence has reduced. And he does seem to be talking more in. It's a bit easier than it was at 3.5. I had a bit of a breakdown at this age and my husband had to take a week off work as I went into a weird shutdown

@bryceQ
My DH is just about to go back after a 2 week leave from work for the exact same reason.

I feel pretty comforted by your post so thank you

This is how I feel - almost like I’m a zombie and zoned out !! I stand there watching her play feeling anxious about any interaction as if I trigger a meltdown it’s hours of hell and I’m exhausted

@Thehonestbadger
It's relentless in a way you just can't explain.
I remember i was numb and I couldn't even cry. I just kept saying you need to take time off over and over.

Things are much better now... It's still exhausting as his sleep is worse but he is calmer and less violent .

Things will get easier 💐

It’s tough OP,
i agree that your play will look a little different and that is fine. Instagram play set ups are bullshit, it’s all perfectly set up and completely unrealistic. My eldest has ASD and would allow me to play alongside him rather than with him. I would just be nearby singing, humming his favourite tunes and playing with the toys that I was allowed to play with, mirroring him. It was often repetitive but that’s ok. I had to adopt a sort of nonchalant, no-pressure, I’m here but not here approach. He didn’t like the pressure or expectation to do something out of his control (still doesn’t) but tbh I’m the same!
Even with reading, could you read a familiar story nearby but so that she can hear you but is under no pressure to join in. So make it look like you are reading aloud to yourself. The one thing about my DS is that even though he looks as though he is not engaging, he is listening and taking it all in.

I second getting outdoors. Maybe she is used to the familiarity of the play ground or the enclosed space makes her feel safer than the park (DS does not like open doors) so start off small.

simple sensory play (with no fixed expectation or outcome) is good if your child is happy being messy. Also see schematic play if your child enjoys repetitive motions, spinning,lining things up.

Don’t be hard on yourself because it is exhausting enough.

You poor woman, you sound at the end of your tether. Do you have a local Home-Start? You might be able to get a (non-judgmental) volunteer to come to your house and give you a break. Look it up here:

Every mum I know on mat leave said they felt like going to work would be "a break". It's natural to miss work when you're caring for a child 24/7. It's also natural for those same mums to miss their baby/child when they work away from them.

To me your balance seems off though - I think you need to work again and get some more childcare, it seems to be what would work for you!

It sounds very difficult. I’m not a parent but have worked with children with ASD in that age bracket. I think you’ve had some really good suggestions. I hope you can get some/more support from OT or SLT soon. In the meantime the ideas about ‘mirroring’ play might make more of a difference than you think. There are some good videos on youtube on ‘intensive interaction’ describing how to do this - lots of calm waiting then joining when the child initiates something. It’s very non-demanding so might help avoid the meltdown triggers, and hopefully also nicer for you if you can avoid that and have some moments of calm connection.

First, don’t feel guilty.
No baby is born with a manual.
Do you have qualifications, training in special needs? No reason you should and even if you did it’s a totally different ball game with your own child.
Nursery staff have specific training and qualifications AND they can share the care.
Your child will change as they grow , there’ll be interests you can enjoy, activities you can do together.

More nursery hours won’t harm your child and may well preserve your sanity.

You are just exhausted and burnt out, especially if like my DD at that age she’s not really sleeping either.

My DD at that age hated being at home with me and was bored senseless, like you I was just exhausted. The being screamed at and the meltdowns are so familiar to me.

At 3.5 my DD’s nursery advised me to get a small indoor trampoline for her to take her stress out on. The tension while they bounce really helps them. Also get her to do some laminated hand prints, put them on every wall in the house. Instead of her stimming painfully on you, get her to press her hands against the hand prints. Pushing against something will also help calm her down and she will learn than she can do that instead of a physical need to touch someone. They put them in her classroom too which stopped her pinching the other kids during meltdowns.

Honestly if she is happier at nursery send her full time and go back to work. I know you think you are letting her down (been there, had the T-shirt) but you aren’t. You are making both of you happier, she enjoys it, gets routine and the right stimulation for her and you get your life back. It’s so much more important for her to have a happier mother, than one that is exhausted and sinking further into depression and avoiding her. Sending you

Omg OP I feel so much for you. This is so so hard and anyone else in your situation would feel the same. Please be kind to yourself and I'm sure it will get easier as she gets older. I found 3 was the hardest age. My son was constantly screaming at everything that didn't go his way as he had an extremely low frustration tolerance/ this was over lockdown and I swear it gave me PTSD.

Hang in there you're doing amazing