Do people with nice families...

[3LittleFishes]

Turn out emotionally incapable of weathering life's storms?
The people I know (so not a scientific sample size by any stretch) with nice, loving, supportive families are all very 'delicate'.
I am not talking about big things like bereavement or divorce, I mean the little things in life that are stressful or annoying.
People usually describe me as 'calm in a storm' and 'strong/unflappable '. I occasionally am described as 'hard' (which I don't like!) but what choice do I have, if the shit hits the fan there is only me to scrape it up!!
Am I right in thinking if people are cosseted by an adoring family they lose the ability to get on with things themselves?

I'd disagree, my DH is better in any situation than I am and he definitely grew up in a "perfect" family situation. I think it's just his personality makes him fab in all situations!

I come from a ‘nice’ family and possibly was like this when I was younger but life as an adult has been complex and not always kind and I have a reputation for being stoic and just getting on with stuff without drama. I just take things in my stride. So my opinion would be it’s not just about family but life in general.

I don’t think I’d have recognised this before though, I’d have thought I was pretty normal.

I think what people regard as a problem: cold feet, nettle stings, earth closets for instance, varies according to your experience but that’s got nothing to do with how much your parents adored you.

I don’t think this is the case. Adversity can build resilience for sure but emotional stability is generally built on a strong family backing

Weirdly I agree.

I also find people like this often don't appreciate what they have/thr nice things in life as much. They take it as a given most people have this rarified experience.
I think this because they are exposed to a lot more "light" than dark in terms of the tapestry of life.

No that’s a silly thought. Just because you have a loving family doesn’t mean you have not went through tough times or are incapable.

This is an eloquent version of what I wanted to say!

No I wouldn't have thought so. I don't believe our personalities are shaped entirely by nature or nurture but a combination of the two so while upbringing would be a factor in resilience your natural personality will also shape it.

I am in no way a "calm in a crisis" type of person, I can become almost completely paralysed by the overwhelming factors around me. I certainly did not have a "nice" upbringing with people shielding me from life's upsets. I think due to my upbringing maybe I don't see sme things as "that bad" where as some people with different experiences might be really upset.

I also think a lot of it is down to the Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn reactions. Which I'm not sure people have much control over.

If anything maybe a "Nice" family or upbringing would make people more resilient as they've got a good network around them and have had good relationships and coping methods modeled for them.

No I find the opposite is true among people I have met.

I don't recognise this at all.

I would almost say the opposite - some of the people I know who've had little to no family support are understandably a bit messed up by it. Therefore their mental health isn't always great and they can be fragile.

Even then it can go both ways though I suppose - some people become extremely resilient.

No I think pretty much the opposite

Yes this is what I was trying to say but so much more beautifully put.

I don't think it is that simple. My family is 'cossetting', though we have had our challenges. I'm a coper, my sister isn't 🤷 I'm the older child though, I think it has always been expected of me and not her

I don't think "kind/ loving/ stable" is synonymous with never having suffered from adversity.
My family has always been kind, loving and stable, but there were money worries, bereavement, illness. It was just dealt with in a supportive way.

Good question.

It’s a lack of resilience I think.

I know one person who has just been wrapped up, protected and shielded from anything even slightly “upsetting “ for their whole life. Now has zero tools to deal with even minor inconveniences. Severe mental health issues.

But I only know that one person who grew up in a “nice” family. Everyone I know grew up in families with …well… everyday family people & problems!

No, I think a loving healthy relationship with parents in childhood is the best possible way to lay the foundation for becoming a capable, emotionally well-regulated person who is able to handle what life throws at them.

I'm not sure.

I had a vile father and a worn-down mum. Childhood was not fun.

But I have lovely capable siblings. I'm regarded as a 'coper' myself. We all have happy outgoing children.

My best friend comes from a loving, secure and affluent family. Her mum is one of the kindest people I have ever met. And friend copes with everything - running a farm, insane dh, wet harvests, all sorts.

Maybe it's part nature, part nurture like most things.

A mix of character and upbringing.

My eldest is not resilient at all. She's only 10 but we are really working on it because it is driving us mad. I think my parents reaction would have been to protect her from the world.

It depends I think. I've not had a great upbringing and am very resilient to life's challenges (big and small) as a result.

A friend of mine comes from an incredibly loving family, however when the shit hits the fan they have a family they can lean on if they need it.

I don't think it's healthy to feel like you have to deal with everything (big or small) on your own and in fact it's detrimental to one's health. Everyone should have someone.

Not sure. Maybe in some cases. I struggle to cope with things and my childhood was very difficult and dysfunctional.

I wonder if it’s the other way round. That fragile people who are lucky enough to have a supportive family can end up being over protected?

I have an adoring and wonderful family and myself and my siblings are all very resilient. We were brought up very well. You can be raised to be independent, hard working, thoughtful and self sufficient and still be showered will love and attention. We’ve had some really tough times as a family over the years too.

On the flip side my DH really struggles with the small things - he was abused as a child and had an horrific childhood - which I think is entirely understandable given he goes immediately into fight or flight when something tricky crosses his path. I’m really proud of him for overcoming everything he has to become an amazing adult full of love and affection.

well, it is well evidenced that staitically speaking experienecing adverse childhood situaitons or early life trauma puts you a signifcantly increasd risk of developing difficulties with your mental health in adult life. Most often these difficulties include problems with emotional regulation and distress tolerance. so I would say that in fact the opposite of what you suggest is actually what the research and evidence tells us is the case.

You're thinking in 1950s psychology, that x circumstance creates y behaviour.

I think there’s a difference between a loving and supportive family that raises you to weather storms compared to a family that molly coddles (which could also be considered as a loving family) someone and never lets them stand on their own 2 feet.