Do people with nice families...

[3LittleFishes]

Turn out emotionally incapable of weathering life's storms?
The people I know (so not a scientific sample size by any stretch) with nice, loving, supportive families are all very 'delicate'.
I am not talking about big things like bereavement or divorce, I mean the little things in life that are stressful or annoying.
People usually describe me as 'calm in a storm' and 'strong/unflappable '. I occasionally am described as 'hard' (which I don't like!) but what choice do I have, if the shit hits the fan there is only me to scrape it up!!
Am I right in thinking if people are cosseted by an adoring family they lose the ability to get on with things themselves?

Psychology would predict that a stable upbringing is the best foundation for later resilience.

I’ve found it to be the opposite.

I think it's the opposite, I think people with supportive and loving families are better equipped to deal with life's shit.

My life, on occasions, has been a bit of a shit show but I've always been able to remain positive (as much as I can), my glass is half full and I'm calm and sensible, being able to process emotions and of course I have the support of my family. I consider myself very lucky

Yes I agree with @prettycosmos here - best psychological evidence suggests that safe and loving relationships with caregivers are the best foundations for secure and resilient children and adults. Clearly there are lots more variables too in personality etc, and there are many, many people who overcome trauma and can take future challenges in their stride. But there are also lots who continue to struggle.

You describe two different thing

A loving and super family

And someone who has been cosseted by thier family

Yes the later is more likely IMO to lead to
A lack of resilience , whilst the former less so

People who grow up without love and support can turn out strong but they can also turn out a complete mess

I have seen examples of this. A friend from when I was younger / seemed to have the perfect family, plenty of money , adoring parents. Ended up with a really awful man - much older, kids from multiple previous relationships, cheating, poor employment prospects - red flags everywhere but he sweet talked her and she believed him. I thought her family background made her less street wise and able to detect BS.

I think there's a big difference between having a loving, supportive family and being 'cosseted'. My family are the former kind but my childhood had its fair share of hardships and my family didn't try to always protect me from issues I personally faced or we faced as a family (although they supported me through them).

I think part of being a nice/good family is ensuring your kids have the strength to get through life's challenges tbh and cosseting does nobody any good!

I'd almost say the opposite! The people that I know that struggle with their mental health all had difficult childhoods (I appreciate it's a small sample size). DH doesn't have a lot of resilience but he grew up in a house with alcoholic parents who were always fighting. He's carried it with him although he's come such a long way and done well for himself. It was a similar situation with my parents. Mum struggles with anxiety but had an abusive dad, my dad was confident and resilient and had a great upbringing.

I came from a very supportive family and definitely am stoic and just get on with things. I have good family relationships and someone to speak to if I'm ever upset or need advice. I would say I'm calm and don't get stressed easily. My family were great, supportive but they taught us to be independent. They didn't wrap us up in cotton wool. I don't equate molly coddling with good parenting.

This. It is a common misconception that adverse childhood experiences create resilience.

My childhood was emotionally difficult for various reasons. Although we always knew that our parents loved us, they were often too preoccupied with work and life stresses to deal with any problems that we had. So we learnt to internalise them and not ask for help. It is only now as a parent myself that I am recognising the long-term impact of this.

Be your child's secure base and they will build up their resilience step-by-step, in their own time.

I agree with this entirely. We had really significant challenges as a family, including serious childhood illness, money problems, serious parental illness, etc, and it was precisely because we had that stable, loving base that we all, even the children, had the resilience to get through what we had to face, together as a solid family. Caring about and helping each other each other isn’t cosseting.

It sounds as though the OP didn’t experience this, and so doesn’t understand it. I’m sorry for you, OP. If you’ve succeeded in building a life you love without having the security of that solid backing, you have been amazing. But resilience isn’t only born of adversity. It can come from the security of having a loving family which gives you the confidence to face even the most severe challenges.

Research would suggest the opposite. In my study of 2, I am a coper, she is not, our upbringing was identical (except as a pp said, I am the oldest).

I would say my own children have had a very stable upbringing but they definitely haven't been cosseted by us.
I am huge on trying to ensure my children are resilient but I don't know if it is something I can 'teach' them or if it is something they either have or don't have.
I definitely don't want them to feel alone as adults and I hope to be around if they need me, I just hope they don't 'need' me for things like organising a new washing machine because the old one broke, like my 29 year old colleague 'needed' her mum the other day!

I believe you grow through what you go through. What you choose to do with that knowledge is down to you.
I know some people who have had nice comfortable upbringing, smooth ride who can't handle any form of upset or life not going their way, and l also know people who have had damaged toxic upbringing yet chose to heal themselves.

I think it’s way more complicated than that. You also have to take into account where a person is in the line of siblings. Youngest children have a very different upbringing to oldest children, and then middle children is different again. All will
shape someone’s personality and resilience.
it always makes me laugh when parents say ‘they’re so different but they’ve had the exact same upbringing’ because nobody has the same upbringing. Boundaries tend to loosen for the younger children, and responsibilities tend to be bigger for older children.

Then factor in money, accessibility to stuff, natural abilities, responsibility, school, work, friends and friendship groups. All have to ability to build or crush resilience.

I am also the eldest however my sibling is less than 2 years younger than me, I would definitely say she is less capable than me (she would agree with this) but I do think it is partly because I shielded her from a lot when we were younger.
My life got significantly better at around 18 when I could drive and had a full time job, she benefited from an instant chauffeur and an interest free loan provider (that never got paid back!). In hindsight I probably contributed to her lack of resilience, she didn't learn to drive until much later on and is terrible with money as I handed it to her on a plate for a long time, I didn't do her any favours looking back but at the time I was young and wanted to make things better for her.
I suppose I'm thinking about it because my own children are getting older and I don't want them to be unable to get through life without significant help but I also don't want someone telling them they are 'hard' either.

The best advice I can give, because it’s what my parents did, is not to hide difficulties and challenges from them, but explain things in an age appropriate way, so they understand what is wrong, and most importantly, how you are going to handle it and fix it. That means they aren’t worrying about a thing which isn’t being talked about but is clearly happening, and they can see you actively solving problems. Modelling behaviour and approaches gives security - if you do what mum and dad do, things will be okay. Similarly, talk to them about what you’re doing when the washing machine breaks down- if things just magically happen, and they don’t see the workings, how will they know what to do when it’s their turn? I grew up in the 70s so it was before being able to get AO to deliver a new fridge with a few clicks, so I had to go with them to buy things, and watched and helped when things needed doing at home, so I learned. Both of us are incredibly practical because we observed, learned and practiced in our safe family environment. Same for cooking, cleaning, visiting in hospital - allow them to experience the adult world a bit at a time, with you there as security.

Very much the opposite IME as well.

In my extremely small sample size (n = 2), I'm resilient and not a 'flapper' from a nice family and my husband is an absolute melt from an un-nice family so your theory doesn't hold up over here.

This sounds pretty close to how I try and go about things. They definitely see things being dealt with and I explain what I am doing as I go along!

I actually think it's the opposite. I come from a stable and supportive background and I'm quite resilient, I have a support network I can rely upon and a sort of deep rooted intuition that everything will be okay in the end.

I wasn't mollycoddled, and my parents weren't well off but they were always there for me and I grew up feeling safe and loved.

On the other hand, all of the people I know with mental health problems have come from less stable backgrounds or had difficult home lives, complicated relationships with parents etc. As another poster has mentioned high stress levels during childhood can often lead to mental health problems in adulthood and a reduced capacity for dealing with life's knocks.

I think it depends on your definition of loving and supportive.

Genuinely supportive parents allow their children to experience difficulties and failure in age-appropriate ways and support them to recover and more on afterwards. (This might be something as simple as letting them experience the consequences of leaving their gym kit at home rather than dashing home for it or sympathising with them when they lose at football rather than calling the other teams cheats). This helps build resilience.

It can be tempting as a parent to smooth your child’s way too much, under the guise of being supportive- being that parent who won’t let their child experience negative consequences or disappointment (I know I feel this temptation a lot). This undermines their resilience and gives them the impression that they won’t be able to cope when life gets hard- if their parent is moving heaven and earth to avoid them ever failing at anything or experiencing difficulties, it must be because failure and difficulty will destroy them.

What I find as a lecturer is students who were raised in a very MC family and were told they could be whatever they wanted to be when they grew up, often have zero direction in life and seem totally lost. I think kids need pushing in a certain direction sometimes, telling them they can do whatever they want or be whoever they want isn’t always helpful.

As with many things It depends on the individual. I’ve seen examples of both. Marriages breaking down over very little because one partner who had grown up in a loving overly shielding family couldn’t cope with normal adversities. I grew up in a loving and supportive family but am very resilient (been tested in the last decade) while my sister is not for instance.

This is my experience.
You learn what you see.

I had a horrible cold childhood where I was abused and neglected and ended up with complex PTSD. Now later on in life I am as hard as nails, I don't trust anyone and I don't ask anyone for help. I have weathered life's storms on my own, worked for 43 years, have my own home, raised my child alone, have a good pension. I do have friends but constantly expect them to let me down like everyone else has. I feel I can cope with pretty much anything alone.
However, I have a friend who was raised similarly and is a complete wreck, lives in a council flat, unable to deal with the simplest of problems and does nothing for herself, has never worked and is now on disability for mental health problems.
I don't think it's your upbringing, I think being a person who copes is either in your genes or it isn't.