I made up an awful lie

[Issueatwork]

When I was 18 I did the most awful thing. I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, he hit me once and so I broke up with him. I then lied about having a positive pregnancy test and then faked a miscarriage.
Looking back I’m not even sure why I did it. I think maybe I was heartbroken, thinking erratically and deranged and wanted an excuse to keep speaking to him.
I’ve never owned up to this lie to anybody at all, but I have thought about it constantly since. Most days it comes to mind and I feel this dreadful guilt.
I’m 28 now and thinking of ttc within the next year or two. I keep thinking I’ve cursed myself and will get my karma when I begin ttc.
I like to think I’m a different person now, I am almost too truthful to my partner and live a quiet life with zero drama - I think I have done some that incident.
When I think back I wasn’t an awful person then either, I was fairly similar to how I am now. The lie just came out in the moment god knows from there and then I felt like I had to run with it.
I’m just so appalled and ashamed at how abhorrent my actions were and how I manipulated somebody like that. It scared me that I’m potentially still capable of acting like that.

You behaved in an appalling manner. It's in the past now and unless making up horrible lies is a pastime of yours accept you were young, stupid and move on.

Please forgive yourself and forget it. You were very young and under a lot of emotional pressure.

You reacted badly but you were very young and it was his actions that caused it. It's not the worst thing I ever heard, in fact it's not the worst thing I've read on here today. Put it out of your mind and look forwards not back. Most people have some dodgy skeletons from their teens they would rather forget. X

If you'd done this to someone you loved and who loved you, then I'd think it was a really horrible thing to do, but to someone who hit you? I wouldn't give it a second thought.

I don’t think it was appalling, that’s an exaggeration. You wanted to hurt him because he hurt you. You are older and wiser. Forgive yourself and leave it in the past.

I’m sorry that your partner hit you.

I think you should be kind to yourself. Most people do stupid things when they are teenagers- we all have to learn to move on from them. Also, karma doesn’t exist. If it did, Putin wouldn’t still be around.

This is the way I see it. I'm assuming this is a long time ago when attitudes around men abusing women weren't evolved and you knew you had to break up with him when he hit you but you weren't resolute in that the way you would be now. Because you were 18. 18 year olds do crazy things. I something similar to you at that age and I give it no headspace at all because I am not that girl anymore, was a mess at that age and recognise that.
I think you did it to hang on to a relationship you couldn't quite justify to yourself you needed to end, because you didn't know your self worth the way you do now.
One last thing- do you think he 'mourns' that baby? I bet he hasn't thought of it in decades. You haven't damaged anyone long term. Let it go

You didn't behave in an appalling manner - ignore the first poster. You did something when you were not much past a child.

Who cares now? Forgive yourself and just move on. Trust me, we have all done silly / hurtful / stupid things

It's called being human

Absolutely everyone in the world does something that makes them feel shame if they recall it. Especially in their teens. we learn from our mistakes. The only people who don't feel shame are too pompous or screwed up to care.

Forgive yourself and move on. Is he still cringing for hitting you? Do men cringe daily for walking out on women and tiny babies?

One of the things we need to learn from our mistakes is how to forgive ourselves and move on. Your lie harmed no one profoundly. You won't be doing it again. You are no worse than anyone else around you.

Karma doesn’t exist, so if you do have issues conceiving, you are just one of the unlucky ones. You haven’t jinxed yourself with a lie told when you were young.

You were upset and going through a difficult time. He had cheated on you and hit you. He was no angel and you were well rid of him. You now bitterly regret the lie you told, but it’s done now and you have to move forward and stop beating yourself up. We learn from our mistakes and they help us become better people in the future. We are all a work in progress and sometimes we mess up.

Take comfort from the fact that you did this to someone who did not treat you kindly. If he had been a fantastic, loving and caring boyfriend then I think this lie would have been worse.

There is no such thing as karma - so any future pregnancy will either go as planned or it won’t. The outcome will not be influenced by a lie you told when you were young and grieving a lost relationship. Allow yourself to be happy now.

Thank you for all of the responses. They’re much kinder than I anticipated.
It was my first boyfriend, we’d had a really intense 6 month relationship, he’d cheated on me once or twice and hit me once when we were drunk before I found out about the latest cheating and ended it. The relationship brought out the worst in us both for sure.
I searched him on social media on he seems to have a nice life living abroad, maybe he grew up too?
My DP and I are thinking of getting engaged this year, I feel guilty that he could be marrying me without knowing this awful thing. The right thing to do would be to tell him?

In the nicest possible way, get over it.

I wouldn't exactly call it appalling. You lashed out at someone who's hurt you but making up a lie.

Unless you go around doing this all the time and are still doing it, who cares? Presumably you've matured now and would handle it differently.

Don't tell your partner, not because what you did is shameful, but because it doesn't matter and it has nothing to do with him.

You were a very young, very hurt, abused teen and you told a lie. That lie didn't hurt anyone and nothing dreadful came of it. We are all capable of saying things we don't mean, and under normal circumstances, wouldn't even dream to say.

Please let this go. Don't allow one blip on the radar define your whole life.

No, the right thing to do would be to focus on the present and thew future. Don't create unnecessary drama in life.

There's no reason to tell your partner, you were young, did something stupid but time
To move on. What would telling him achieve?

Why on earth would your DP need to know about a silly lie you told when you were an immature teenager desperate for an ex-boyfriend’s attention? Nothing bad came of it except that another silly immature teenager was presumably a bit nicer to you. It’s such a non-event that I think you really need to look into some sort of counselling if you’re still hair-shirting yourself over it a decade later and calling yourself appalling.

Theres no divine system by which you can curse yourself through something you once said. It’s all very “I swear on my cousin’s life” teenagery stuff to give it headspace. Your teenage ex has moved on and has probably given you and the situation virtually no thought ever since, the world has kept turning.

I imagine most of us have done shitty things as teens. Our brains aren't yet fully developed.
Try to put it behind you as it sounds as if you learnt your lesson.

Yes, it's a non event OP. A teenager told a lie, who cares. It's not like it hurt anyone - I'm guessing the news of the pregnancy didn't really inspire any emotion in this guy, and neither did the miscarriage. If you think he was twisted up over it, wringing his hands about the pregnancy then devasted about the miscarriage, I'd say he definitely wasn't. He probably hardly thought of it. He may not have even believed you.

I don't think you 'behaved in an appalling manner' at all.

You were eighteen and in a relationship where you were being cheated on and he hit you.

At worst the longer term impact of your lie on your ex may have made him a bit more responsible with contraception in the future so I really wouldn’t worry.

you may find some therapy useful to help you understand why this lie is affecting you so much. I wouldn’t tell your current partner about it to be honest, it was a long time ago and doesn’t affect him.

karma isn’t real, if it was there’s a lot of people deserve comeback. In the nicest gentlest way possible you really shouldn’t be thinking like this and I wonder if there’s some other unrelated problem that’s causing you anxiety.

I can only reiterate what other have said on here - don't dwell on this and move on. You were only 18 and that's so young. You need to remember that your prefrontal cortex (which regulates your actions and emotions) isn't fully developed until at least your mid twenties. This is why young adults often behave in the ways that they do. Many people are ashamed of things they did in they're late teens/early twenties, myself included, but it's all part of growing up and maturing. Forgive yourself.

You made a mistake when you were very young, don't beat yourself up. Thank goodness your not with that horrible man anymore.

You will be one of thousands (if not more) of teenage girls who have done this OP, be it to try and keep hold of a BF or hurt a BF in an immature fit of desperation or anger. Put it behind you. You can't change it and it certainly isn't the worst thing you could have done (Ex certainly deserved a lot worse). Don't let it cloud your future.

Regret and shame can wreak so much havoc on a person, I’m currently in counselling and have been speaking about regrets this week, what came from the session was that my previous actions came from a place of low self esteem from a turbulent childhood and having no self compassion. My therapist sent me this podcast episode called “being kind to yourself” and listening to it, although not everything resonated, it opened my eyes to the affect of shame and guilt on me, and now I’m trying to be much kinder to myself! I would highly recommend a listen
https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/being-kind-to-yourself/
I really hope you can forgive yourself for your mistakes, we really all do make mistakes some much bigger than your lie, no one is perfect but we live and learn. You deserve all the happiness in the world!