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Original poster

I made up an awful lie

71 replies

Issueatwork · 23/11/2023 12:27

When I was 18 I did the most awful thing. I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, he hit me once and so I broke up with him. I then lied about having a positive pregnancy test and then faked a miscarriage.
Looking back I’m not even sure why I did it. I think maybe I was heartbroken, thinking erratically and deranged and wanted an excuse to keep speaking to him.
I’ve never owned up to this lie to anybody at all, but I have thought about it constantly since. Most days it comes to mind and I feel this dreadful guilt.
I’m 28 now and thinking of ttc within the next year or two. I keep thinking I’ve cursed myself and will get my karma when I begin ttc.
I like to think I’m a different person now, I am almost too truthful to my partner and live a quiet life with zero drama - I think I have done some that incident.
When I think back I wasn’t an awful person then either, I was fairly similar to how I am now. The lie just came out in the moment god knows from there and then I felt like I had to run with it.
I’m just so appalled and ashamed at how abhorrent my actions were and how I manipulated somebody like that. It scared me that I’m potentially still capable of acting like that.

OP posts:
Nonentity2023 · 23/11/2023 14:10

My goodness, you need to be kinder to yourself. You’re not a bad person for doing an immature thing when you were very young. That’s normal.

You have no need to tell your partner about it, what matters is your honesty in your relationship now, as a fully fledged adult.

Lizzyinatizzy · 23/11/2023 14:11

I doubt it even crosses his mind. Don’t waste the energy on it. You told a lie…. But no body was actually hurt by it. History wasn’t changed, he didn’t marry you out of a sense of misplaced responsibility for something that didn’t exist. Your life and his life would be exactly the same today if you hadn’t lied. Only difference would be that you wouldn’t feel guilty.
Not worth beating yourself up over a mistake made when you were young that had no real consequence.

NotLactoseFree · 23/11/2023 14:25

OP, you did something silly and unkind. But it wasn't appalling and I'm really concerned it's eating you up this much 10 years later. This man was cheating on you, and he HIT you. You were 18, did not have the tools to process any of that (frankly, few of us do, even well into adulthood) and you reacted in a childish and immature way.

I wouldn't give it another thought.

Let me ask you this - do you think he's wracked with guilt all these years later about the way he hit you? I doubt it.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 23/11/2023 14:27

If you had made up such a lie to someone who was struggling with fertility, reality cared about having a baby etc… that would have been an awful lie.

But I’m not sure that lie has hurt anyone but yourself tbh. Including because you’ve berated yourself fir the last 10 years fir something that really has little consequence on anyone, let alone him.

That ,ie is nowhere near as bad as you think it is.
You don’t need to tell your DP and you certainly don’t need to fess up that you are an absolutely awful person. Because you’re not. You were only 18yo. You were understandingly hurting, hurt by a man who abused you. You made a small mistake - telling a lie. Then What?? It says nothing about who you were, let alone who you are.

dontyoujustknowit · 23/11/2023 14:28

At age 16 I did much worse - think your lie OP with added extras (which were horrific). I was a child though and had such exceptional circumstances that I’ve totally forgiven myself.

The fact you regret it now and know it was wrong says more about you than the lie at 18 does Flowers

FloydPepper · 23/11/2023 14:30

Lakeyloo · 23/11/2023 13:51

You will be one of thousands (if not more) of teenage girls who have done this OP, be it to try and keep hold of a BF or hurt a BF in an immature fit of desperation or anger. Put it behind you. You can't change it and it certainly isn't the worst thing you could have done (Ex certainly deserved a lot worse). Don't let it cloud your future.

This. I and every bloke I know have had this done to us at some point, usually when younger.

it’s bad but a blip, no need to dwell on it or bring it up now.

sixteenfurryfeet · 23/11/2023 14:34

Issueatwork · 23/11/2023 13:23

Thank you for all of the responses. They’re much kinder than I anticipated.
It was my first boyfriend, we’d had a really intense 6 month relationship, he’d cheated on me once or twice and hit me once when we were drunk before I found out about the latest cheating and ended it. The relationship brought out the worst in us both for sure.
I searched him on social media on he seems to have a nice life living abroad, maybe he grew up too?
My DP and I are thinking of getting engaged this year, I feel guilty that he could be marrying me without knowing this awful thing. The right thing to do would be to tell him?

No, don't tell your DP. Maybe that you once had a boyfriend who hit you and cheated on you, but about the lie you told? No. It is time to let go, be kind to yourself and forgive the inner you about that.

And that violent cheating ex of yours? He won't be beating himself up with inner angst over the disgusting way he treated you all those years ago.

Forget it ever happened, and move on.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/11/2023 14:48

TrainedByCats · 23/11/2023 13:45

At worst the longer term impact of your lie on your ex may have made him a bit more responsible with contraception in the future so I really wouldn’t worry.

you may find some therapy useful to help you understand why this lie is affecting you so much. I wouldn’t tell your current partner about it to be honest, it was a long time ago and doesn’t affect him.

karma isn’t real, if it was there’s a lot of people deserve comeback. In the nicest gentlest way possible you really shouldn’t be thinking like this and I wonder if there’s some other unrelated problem that’s causing you anxiety.

This. 100%
Tell a therapist first and see if you still feel the need to tell your partner.
You were 18, in an abusive relationship and you told this to the person who was hurting you. Its a decade ago and I'm sure you wouldn't dream of doing the silly things you might have thought of when you were 18 now.

What do you think your partner's response would be if you did tell him? Is he a kind person who loves you and would be understanding?

Daffodil18 · 23/11/2023 15:04

I disagree with those saying don’t tell your partner because this is obviously getting to you and will only eat you up. You said a silly thing to a nasty person at 18 years old. We’ve all done regretful things as a teenager so I’m sure if your partner loves you then he won’t even be bothered by it.

honeylulu · 23/11/2023 15:21

You poor thing. Please don't torture yourself. Absolutely everyone in this world has told a lie or done something (or many things) in their youth that they regret and are ashamed of. I know I have (I'm cringing right now).

The fact that you recognise it as "wrong" means you're a decent, mature person and you've made a conscious effort to grow as a person for the better. That's what's important. You can't change the past.

No confessions or apologies are necessary or will be helpful. Your ex sounds like a horrible selfish man and (hate to say it) probably never thinks about you at all. Your lovely partner doesn't need to hear it. Just treat each other well going forward - that is the key to be happy and to quieten that inner voice.

Darkdiamond · 23/11/2023 15:29

Op, when I was 18 I completely blew out of proportion something that happened to me. I blamed someone for something that they didn't quite do. They weren't exactly innocent parties either but it was all very grey and I was very emotionally unstable. I absolutely cringe when I think back.

I've left it in the past and have moved past it. It's just like any kind of physical scar we might get: it's still there but not the raw, gaping wound it was at the time.

I don't believe in karma.

I do believe in moving forwards, older and wiser and being able to identify previous instability and emotional fragility. It's over, its done and you will not find one person who doesn't have that skeleton in their closet that comes out in sleepless nights to torment them.

Forgive yourself and move forwards. 🙏

Megifer · 23/11/2023 15:30

Oh lord op This is a total non issue and certainly not worthy of confessing like you've done something horrific. It was a daft lie, told to a shithead, we've all told those in our time and I guarantee you your partner would have done something daft like told a girl in a bar that he was a pilot or something to try and pull her.

Put it out your mind. Karma isn't real and your partner doesn't need to know. I think if you told him it's making it a big deal when it's really not.

Bobbotgegrinch · 23/11/2023 15:30

I had a girlfriend at 19, who I split up with. She then told me she was pregnant, then had an abortion, and a few months later told me she'd had to have a hysterectomy because of complications from the abortion.

I won't lie, it fucked my head up more than a bit, that this was my fault, and it was something I carried around with me for a long time. About 10 years later I bumped into a mutual friend from the time who let me know that my ex had now had two kids, and that the hysterectomy at the very least had been a fabrication.

Then about 5 years ago, the same mutual friend contacted me to ask if she could pass my details on to ex, as she wanted to apologise for her behaviour back then. I said not to pass my details on as I didn't see the point in getting in touch, but that I understood that she wasn't in a great space mentally back then, and that I forgave her.

@Issueatwork At the end of the day you did a shitty thing back then, but in punching you your partner did worse. You were barely an adult, and you're likely a completely different person now. Its probably safe to let it go now.

Firefly2009 · 23/11/2023 15:35

It wasn’t great but what harm did it cause anyone else? Plus this was a man who cheated and hit you.

Let it go

user1483387154 · 23/11/2023 15:40

We all do and say stupid shit as we grow up, that is what our earlier years are for. Please forgive yourself and move on. No good will come of you beating yourself up about this. Was it good? No, are you sorry for it? yes. Forgive yourself

itsmylife7 · 23/11/2023 15:49

OP honestly stop fixating on this issue.

He cheated on you and HIT you.... so you wanted to hurt him back.

Blueshinemoon · 23/11/2023 15:52

You need to forgive yourself for this. You were young, and did something stupid. Most of us did something we regret when young (I certainly did!). But this really isn’t anything major and it sounds like you’d been in a really stressful situation and probably weren’t in a great place. Be kind to yourself, you’ve acknowledged what you did and that it was wrong, so now it’s time to move on.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/11/2023 15:57

Do you think your cunt of an ex is beating himself up for cheating on you and hitting you?

No?

I doubt it, too. I think physically assaulting someone is considerably worse than what you did.

You were young, upset and pushed into an extreme negative space by his behaviour. Forgive yourself and move on.

LakeTiticaca · 23/11/2023 16:11

It's not the worse thing anyone has ever done (despite what some pps think)
Just forget it and move on. You haven't killed anybody

Disorganisedmess2023 · 23/11/2023 16:19

Most of us were idiots when we were 18. I would forgive yourself and move on. If he hadn't treated you like crap, would you have lied like that? Probably not. Move forward in the knowledge that you wouldn't do it now and you've beaten yourself up about it enough. Best of luck with your starting your family.

TravellingT · 23/11/2023 16:19

People do silly and bad things when upset. You were young and emotional- not an excuse but an explanation. I would even say a cheating abusive boyfriend is worse than a lie!

You have grown and bettered yourself, that is what counts. You are aware of the harm you caused, and you won't do it again. You can let it go, you don't have to hold onto this forever x

MrsMarzetti · 23/11/2023 16:21

Let it go. We have all been dramatic teenagers.

Jewelspun · 23/11/2023 16:24

It sounds like the kind of thing that snowballed.

No harm was done and it was years ago and you recognise why you did it and understand the circumstances that made you feel you could behave in that manner.

Well you've grown up now and presumably lead a good life and have healthy relationships, so it's pointless dragging yourself down now and dredging up what's been and gone.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 23/11/2023 16:25

I agree with pps.

You were in a difficult and stressful situation when you were still quite young.

It is completely understandable to react irrationally in that situation.

Be kind to yourself and take comfort in knowing that you would not do this as the mature and sensible person you are today,

nonsenseaddict · 23/11/2023 16:27

The guy cheated on you then HIT you, perfectly understandable that your head was in a mess. Forgive yourself and there is no such thing as karma!