I made up an awful lie

[Issueatwork]

When I was 18 I did the most awful thing. I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, he hit me once and so I broke up with him. I then lied about having a positive pregnancy test and then faked a miscarriage.
Looking back I’m not even sure why I did it. I think maybe I was heartbroken, thinking erratically and deranged and wanted an excuse to keep speaking to him.
I’ve never owned up to this lie to anybody at all, but I have thought about it constantly since. Most days it comes to mind and I feel this dreadful guilt.
I’m 28 now and thinking of ttc within the next year or two. I keep thinking I’ve cursed myself and will get my karma when I begin ttc.
I like to think I’m a different person now, I am almost too truthful to my partner and live a quiet life with zero drama - I think I have done some that incident.
When I think back I wasn’t an awful person then either, I was fairly similar to how I am now. The lie just came out in the moment god knows from there and then I felt like I had to run with it.
I’m just so appalled and ashamed at how abhorrent my actions were and how I manipulated somebody like that. It scared me that I’m potentially still capable of acting like that.

Oh love, when you were young and foolish, you were young and foolish.

It won't affect any pregnancy going forward.

Decide to yourself that the past is past and move forward full of optimism.

You were 18, practically a child in what sounds like an abusive relationship. You really really need to forgive yourself and think about why it is that you can’t.

First loves are extremely intense and your emotions are all over the place.

You now know that you acted unreasonably but so very many of us do when first lives turn sour.
That he hit you was inexcusable.
That you lied was silly.

But you have moved on and learned from this which is a positive.

There's no such thing as karma.

Good luck OP.

You were trying to defend yourself against emotional and physical abuse OP.

Forgive yourself and leave this in the past where it belongs. Maybe it wasn't your finest hour but you are older and wiser now. Millions of women have told similar lies in similar circumstances. It's OK. None of us is perfect.

He hit you, so he deserved it. Don’t even think about it. And definitely don’t tell your current partner.

Are you OK?

With total kindness you seem really over invested in this one incident.
Ok it wasn’t great but tbh not so awful given the context of what a horrible person he was. It’s not like you did it to a loving ongoing partner. In the grand scheme of things I’ve heard way way worse even in the last 48 hours (and probably done worse myself certainly as a teenager) so I’m a bit confused why you are quite so upset and guilty about it unless you are just the most utterly decent honest person in the world.

And even if you are you really do have to just forgive yourself and forget it and move on. Don’t tell your partner now. We ALL have a past and we aren’t obligated to divulge every single thing we did and said in it.

You need to forgive yourself and move on. Part of being human is the ability to make mistakes and learn from them. I too used to have a very vengeful nature and know what I was capable of in those moments, but it is counter-productive. A dishonest/bad act does not make you a bad person, and we do not have to tell our loved ones of every past misdemeanour. I understand the rationale, but if you share it there's no taking it back, so why potentially give another person something that can be used against you when you need to let it go? We all make mistakes, but we've no way of knowing how such information will be received and handled by another person.

Please be kind to yourself, you were reacting to the pain and hurt inside you in a way that felt appropriate at the time. You wanted him to feel the pain that he had caused you.
When I was 18 and going through a break up I followed them around, even into the male loos, it was borderline harassment but I was reacting to the pain he had caused me. We're not perfect and we're not robots, if you're hurting why would you act in a rational manner?
This is in the past, you were a child then. Here's a good affirmation: "I forgive myself" repeat it over and over. You're allowed to make mistakes. Hugs

Everyone makes mistakes, why couldn't you? It was so long ago and yes you are a different person now. Forgive your past self and forget it. It's been eating at you for too long.

@begaydocrime42 Yes. What I was getting at was that op did something in poor judgement, people do and she was young. As long as it's not something she does regularly which it sounds like it isn't then why hold onto it?

You were young and did something stupid, I think you learnt your lesson so just forget about it and move on, you have punished yourself enough.

Im pretty sure your lie didn’t scar the boy for life

You need to work on your self esteem.

Most people would not beat themselves up about a lie they told a decade ago.

You’ve carried this guilty feeling for 10 years - that’s not just long enough, it’s too long altogether. Let it go.
You’ve told us, you’ve got it “off your chest” , there is no need to tell anyone else.
Ignore the first poster.

Hi, I’m 50 and just did the same thing.
I feel awful. I know the reasons for my lie. I was so hurt and felt so used from this man , we had been together for over 2 years.
He just used me as a past time, never introduced me to friends or family. I felt it he was not sincere with me, I continued to hope things would evolve but nothing changed.
I left him a few months ago. I am obsessed with this abandonment issue. I have issues to deal with from my childhood too.
What made me explode was the other day when I saw him with his new girlfriend kids and all together. I lost complete control and that evening I started to invent the story.
I’ve never done such a horrible thing. How can I forgive myself? Have I created bad karma? Can I neutralize this bad energy?
Thank you

I think the fact that you feel so bad about this is a sign that is out of character.

For your own sake, I would share it with your current partner so you feel you have nothing hidden. But it's yourself you have to forgive.

Hi Orangemangogrape,
he is no longer my partner, but yes, i need to find a way to forgive myself and learn from this.😥

I dont think it is terrible, compared to what many teenagers do.

For your own sake I suggest you do a penance. Donate a large amount of money to SANDS or similar, then draw a line under it and consider it finished

Just forget about it. You were young, in an abusive relationship and said something untruthful. It's nothing. I bet he doesn't sit around feeling dreadful for hitting you.

Oh and there's no such thing as karma.

@Fawn74 just forget it. I bet he's not sweating about it day in day out. Selfish fucker is just glad he got off without a baby.

You deserve better

Totally agree with this.