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Is it not normal to be in your thirties and not have any friends?

61 replies

selfselfiequeen · 23/11/2023 11:02

Reassure me that I'm not some weirdo. I've had friendships in the past but none seem to go the distance or last.. in the past I'd get extremely depressed over it but as I have a small family of my own I try to put my energies into my partner and our kids... but I can't help but wonder what sort of friendships women my age have. This is not a pity me post, just would like to hear other people's experiences especially those in their thirties

OP posts:
OhThePain77 · 23/11/2023 11:05

I am in my late 30s and I do have friends, but my closest friends live very far away. My local friends don't seem very invested in the friendship so I'm quite lonely a lot of the time (I am married with a child, and we have a good marriage and a lovely life).

I think it is normal to struggle with friendships in your 30s. I moved to a different part of the country a number of years ago and that caused the problem for me.

DilemmaDelilah · 23/11/2023 11:17

I'm 63 and I don't have any friends. I haven't ever had any really. I have work colleagues I am friendly with, and friendly neighbours, but no actual friends.

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/11/2023 11:19

A lot of MNers seem to have no or few friends, and it seems to be largely because a lot of women seem to allow friendships to fall by the wayside once they have partners and children - either intentionally or unintentionally. I’d imagine it’s relatively “normal” to not have many friends if you don’t make a concerted effort to make new friends and maintain relationships with the ones you have because you’re focussed on your family and don’t have hobbies or socialise much outside of it. Would you like more friends? How have you met people in the past? What resulted in good friendships and what didn’t?

I have a lot of friends, many of whom I see several times a week. My friends are incredibly important to me and me to them. But ultimately it takes each person in a friendship to recognise the importance of the relationship and the other person and put the legwork into showing that and not letting it drift because other parts of life got in the way.

amillionglowingstars · 23/11/2023 11:23

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Also in my thirties. I do have friends but I feel like other people have better/stronger friendships than me and I feel lonely a lot of the time. A lot of my friends live quite far away now so I only see them every couple of months or so.

Just this morning I was volunteering at the school and the other mums were talking about a night out they went on recently. I never seem to get invited to things like this and I don’t know why 🤷‍♀️

I also have a very small family and no siblings or cousins, so unlike some people my time isn’t filled with big family events/parties/weddings etc.

On MN though it seems a lot of people don’t have many friends so I don’t think we are the only ones. But the people with large friendship groups are more visible I guess.

HolySkirts · 23/11/2023 11:26

Mn is full of extremely lonely women of all ages, so if you want reassurance that you're not alone, you will find it in spades.

However, no, I wouldn't say it was 'normal' in the sense that everyone, or almost everyone, is lonely in their thirties, or, as you say you do, has always struggled to make/keep friendships.

In my 30s, (I was with my longtime DP, but didn't have my son until I was almost 40, and was working FT in a demanding job a long distance from home, which meant I commuted weekly), my friendships were mostly with old student friends, colleagues from current and previous jobs, some random people I'd met through other people, or out doing stuff.

The only time I've struggled with friendships and loneliness was during a disastrous period of some years living in a village after we moved out of London while I was on maternity leave. Looking back, it was an insular place and my face didn't fit. Pretty much everyone else had always lived there, and the other parents at baby/toddler groups and later on the school run had all gone to school together and had always known one another, and just weren't used to the idea that you might make friends with someone from somewhere else, who was different to you. To whom you might need to introduce yourself and ask questions you didn't know the answers to.

If you want friends, you will have to go out and make them.

Spookymormonhelldream · 23/11/2023 11:30

Hmm not 'normal' but it depends on what you want. I have lots of friends (I know, I know) but I don't see them especially often. We're all busy with work, family etc. So we meet up every month or 2, but in the interim it's just business as usual!

TotalOverhaul · 23/11/2023 11:42

I think it's normal for most people to be friendless at certain stages in life. Preoccupation with young family is a classic time, as we no longer have much in common with childfree friends who want to stay out late, drinking or dancing, but we don't necessarily click with others just because they have children the same age as ours.

If you are feeling the loss now, can you free up some time to do things you really love and meet some like-minded souls? Ime, lasting friendships come from shared passions - whether that's sport, music, crafting, religion, politics, environmental issues.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/11/2023 11:47

As has been said, you’re not alone in not having friends if that’s what you’re after.

My friends mean a huge amount to me. My husband, children and family mean the world to me but having other close relationships plays a big part in my life and I’ve made more friends in my 30s than at any other time. It’s risky to put all of your energy into just your family. I divorced my first husband and was very grateful I had a network of support in my friends.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 23/11/2023 12:16

I'm 39 and don't have any friends. Never really have had any since I was a kid. It doesn't bother me and I doubt I'd have time for any. My DP is 34 and he doesn't have any friends either.

The only time I've thought it would be nice to have some is when I got divorced and I had no support as my family aren't the most caring.

A few people I work with have mentioned they just don't have time for their friends anymore due to family and work commitments.

Naptrappedmummy · 23/11/2023 12:18

I think it’s normal to have less friends than when you were at school or uni. It’s normal for a lot of them to fall away and leave a small handful that you have a strong and lasting connection with even if you don’t live close together. I have 4 really good friends, a few that I see now and then mainly for gigs or other activities we have in common and need somebody to go with. And a couple of mums from my kids school for play dates and coffee. I think I’m socially average.

Mary46 · 23/11/2023 12:24

Im 50 in my 30s was juggling small kids. Find nobody commits now to meet up. Left friends if they dont text or some plan to catch up. People flaky. My circle small 3 then few mams through kids sport. Hobbies a waste as people come then dont go next time so no friends via that route. Husb group same zero feedback to meet. I give up

ReadtheReviews · 23/11/2023 12:48

I have friends I've known a long time that I see maybe once a year.
Locally, I don't really have any. Nothing in common with the other school mums, the two I did gel with both changed schools. Work colleagues are younger than me. A couple from a course I did I try to see once every couple of months. But it has to be a conscious effort. There are so many have to's in a life with two young children, two dogs and two pt jobs!

BoredOfBeingTired · 23/11/2023 12:56

I wouldn't say it's normal IRL but absolutely normal on mn.
Most posters on here can't wait to tell you how introverted they are and how much they despise other people!
IRL most people pick up a few friends through work or make mum friends at groups or picking their kids up at the school gates.
I don't think I know anyone with literally zero friends.
Its all well and good 'focusing on your little family' but kids grow up very quickly and then what's left?

BoredOfBeingTired · 23/11/2023 13:00

@ReadtheReviews why does it matter that your colleagues are younger? I went out last night with my colleagues, the youngest was 23 and the oldest was 53, I am 40.
Obviously if they are complete knobs and you just don't like them it's different but making friends as an adult shouldn't really depend on age in my opinion.

Mary46 · 23/11/2023 13:03

Yes you can be lonely if you have zero outlets. As you say rightly kids grow up. You need something. Im meet friend later.

AlltheJays23 · 23/11/2023 13:17

I'm 31, I have zero friends.

Devilsmommy · 23/11/2023 13:17

I'm 37 with a DH and a DS and I don't have any friends. The only person who is like a best friend to me is a cousin so just family for me😁

IDontHateRainbows · 23/11/2023 13:26

I struggle with this. People come and go from your life. I've found a local meet up type group that helps. I also tried the womens institute but they are mainly 50s and 60s. Something to think of if I'm still lonely in my 50s and 60s.

FortunataTagnips · 23/11/2023 13:27

Honestly? I don’t think it’s normal. I have friends, and my friends all have other friends. I’m in my 50s now, but this was the case in my 30s, too.
But Mumsnet may be a self-selecting group, where less-sociable people are able to have a bit of company when it suits them.

Itsenough4now · 23/11/2023 13:28

I would not say it is normal but I think it's common. In your 30s, most people have started families and are busy establishing careers, add in pets and general life/house admin and most people have very little time to put into friendships.

If you are lucky you make local/work friends or have laid-back and flexible friends who just fit into your new lifestyle. More intense or high-demand friendships fall by the wayside. Looking back at my 20s, there are not that many that have stayed into my late 40s.

eviessong · 23/11/2023 13:37

It is normal, and frequent threads here show that it is.

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/11/2023 13:41

IDontHateRainbows · 23/11/2023 13:26

I struggle with this. People come and go from your life. I've found a local meet up type group that helps. I also tried the womens institute but they are mainly 50s and 60s. Something to think of if I'm still lonely in my 50s and 60s.

Don’t let prejudice about age prevent you from joining something or making friends. I’m 36 and a member of my local WI and there are women of all ages who get along - women in their fifties and sixties (and older) like theatre, live music, going to the pub, walking, tech, festivals, fitness, camping, travel, cooking - whatever - exactly the same as women of any age. Age doesn’t prevent you sharing interests and values. And often, because they aren’t bogged down in the minutiae of child-rearing, they’ve more free time to dedicate to building and maintaining friendships and the conversations are a lot more enriching and don’t veer into talk about children or parenting issues.

InTheRainOnATrain · 23/11/2023 13:44

I’ve made a lot of friends in my 30s, mostly through the kids. I found my 20s the time when I didn’t really make any new friends actually. Plenty of friendly work colleagues but nothing ever moved beyond that so most of my socialising was with old friends from school or uni.

TwinkleStarrr · 23/11/2023 13:47

OhThePain77 · 23/11/2023 11:05

I am in my late 30s and I do have friends, but my closest friends live very far away. My local friends don't seem very invested in the friendship so I'm quite lonely a lot of the time (I am married with a child, and we have a good marriage and a lovely life).

I think it is normal to struggle with friendships in your 30s. I moved to a different part of the country a number of years ago and that caused the problem for me.

Oh my God, I felt like you were describing my own situation with the exact same details 😂
Yeah it's hard 😄

Scruffington · 23/11/2023 13:51

I have friends from every stage in my life. I've had long periods of being single so have always prioritised friendships, and continue to value them and make time for them when I'm in a relationship. I think too many people get swept up in their latest romance and let friendships slide. And then look around a few years later and wonder where everyone has gone.

Currently planning a weekend away with 5 friends next Feb and am already feeling excited about it.

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