Is it not normal to be in your thirties and not have any friends?

[selfselfiequeen]

Reassure me that I'm not some weirdo. I've had friendships in the past but none seem to go the distance or last.. in the past I'd get extremely depressed over it but as I have a small family of my own I try to put my energies into my partner and our kids... but I can't help but wonder what sort of friendships women my age have. This is not a pity me post, just would like to hear other people's experiences especially those in their thirties

I’m early 30s and most of my friends I made through work.

I have two separate best friends and two groups (one of 3 and one of 4) - then very 3 very good friends who I see once or twice a year due to distance. Me and my sister also have a mutual amazing friend I see as a second sister.

So maybe 10 people I could genuinely call a friend and who would be there for me?

I've also never been part of a friendship group, just one to one friendships here and there, I don't do well in group situations I tend to be very quiet 🤫 and my true personality doesn't come across as outgoing as I really am. Is anyone else like this?

I'm rubbish in group situations always have been. All my friendships are 1:1

Some friends from school days, some from uni, some from shared houses and jobs. Don't always meet often because of geography, but locally, people met at evening and exercise classes. At my mum's funeral, there were people from the baby sitting circle from when we needed baby sitters (I was in my 30s by the time she died,) and school parents, parents from when we were at swimming club, past neighbours, past colleagues. A lot probably did date back to meeting in her 30s.

Basically, you can find friends wherever you go. Some last, others don't. If they're going to last, you have to put in some of the effort (far easier these days with all forms of tech and social media, as well as letters and the phone like the old days.) You have to accept invitations when you can, and make invitations yourself - and it can be hard if you're shy, and even harder if you've children to care for (you can't join evening or exercise classes without childcare.) Some of the effort you put in won't result in friendship - people will sometimes turn you down for reasons that may be nothing to do with you, and that's disheartening. It can be hard-going. It gets a bit easier as everyone's children grow, as people have more flexibility and time.

I don’t have friends because I prioritise family and work

such a sad thing to write. Everyone needs friends, and hobbies too, so I assume if people have no friends they don’t really have hobbies too.

carve out some time for yourself, time away for yourself is SO good for you

Early 30s had loads and was in friendship group - only moved there start of pg - met most though toddler groups and then did other activities together.

Few year into 30s had to move - move to area later found very hard to make friends in later told that was a common experience - sort of did with a lot of effort and time much more 1:1 - never quite as good as previous location.

Also found few years down line people don't keep in touch.

39 moved again made an effort but kids groups and clubs work and DH all made me time poor and tried - plus had CF latch on - think just gave up a bit. Late 40 eldest left home have more time and mental energy and realise do need to make more of an effort - though as Dh always remind me will be moving on when kids leave home.

If you have a friendly workplace which DH did most of his 20 and 30s -while I did not -makes it much easier to meet people - or like me in early 30s regularly go to same places in my case toddler groups - it much easier to meet people and find friends.

I don't think it is hard these days to get isolated as kids work and life take up so much time.

The groups are

Me and two others

Me and three others

So not big groups at all. As I’m very quiet in a big group setting.

Love being a part of smaller groups, meeting for breakfast, group chats. I’m doing a bottomless brunch with one group tomorrow and a weekend away with the others next weekend and then Milan with my best friend before Christmas.

I do work at my friendships though and I’ve met many people that the friendship has turned out to be awful. I think being in your 30s means you don’t care as much and will only make effort for people that genuinely deserve it.

No, I think it’s more likely that an anonymous online forum attracts a higher than usual percentage of people who struggle with friendships.

What interests me is that many of those people on here are married. They have the relationship skills to make and maintain a romantic/marital relationship, but don’t appear to be able to apply similar skills to friendships.

It's not quite clear from your post of you actually feel lonely, or if you're "just" questioning how "normal" you are.

I don't really have friends in the same way that other people do (by which I mean, regular-ish meet ups in person, phone/text chats), but I definitely don't feel lonely. I have a DH and three teenage kids, so I have plenty of company. However I'm pretty sure that when the kids have flown the nest, I still won't feel lonely. Maybe if DH wasn't there as well, I might feel compelled to seek out more company, but I'm not sure! I really, really love solitude. My "problem", if any, is a background sense of guilt that others want more friendship from me than I can offer.

Just to add, I'm not shy, and other people seem to really like me! I can be perfectly sociable if needed, I just can't be arsed most of the time.

It’s normal. People are just less friendly as they age and also cautious ( except on an acquaintance level). I think covid lockdowns have something to do with it too. I am much less friendly now.

I have moved a lot, lived in many different countries and long distance friendships always peter out. Making new friends is harder.

I think this changes once you reach your 60s. Senior social groups seem very active!

I don't think it's unusual. I'm quite shy and introverted. Also ND though recently diagnosed after one of my children was, so there is social awkwardness in the mix too! Then I get anxious about the social awkwardness and that makes me ... more awkward !

I had friends at school but have struggled since then. Made an effort and got included in groups but usually on the periphery. I haven't had a best friend since school. It's also additionally hard after leaving uni because "making friends" at work is a mine field - people tend to be extra reserved.

I've just tried to make an effort always to meet my neighbours, chat to people at baby groups and then parents of the kids friends. So I have got quite a range of acquaintances and out of those about 5 or 6 actual proper friendships have emerged though they were all a slow burn taking years sometimes to evolve from polite acquaintance to true friendship. I'm massively envious of people who find it natural and easy! I can't tell how they do it!

I am like this OP, I have always been a bit of an outsider and although I have made friendships here and there throughout my life they always seem to fizz out. I have my DH and kids so they keep me busy but I haven’t made friends through my kids at all, I’ve tried but it’s hard as I don’t seem to have much in common with other parents and my work isn’t very good for making friendships either.

Now my DC are getting older I have thought about volunteering but there isn’t much I can fit in around full time work and two DC who have to be ferried around to classes and competitions etc. at evenings and weekends, sometimes my DH and I can be like ships passing in the night we have so much running around to do. It sounds like excuses but it’s just life at the moment.

I don’t know the answer OP but it’s crap.

I don't think it's quite as simple as not putting effort in. I think having a young family, running a household, career even with a partner who helps equally it's so tough. I am on the go from when I get up at 6am until 8.30pm when the kids are asleep- in that window no time is devoted just for me (my husband is the same). From 9-10 is that me hour when either watch something with my husband or have a bath.

Weekends involve family activities and life activities (washing, cleaning etc)

Granted it gets easier when children get older and become more independent- but I just don't see where I can physically fit a social life in! I'm a quilter and I've been trying to finish a quilt all year. As for friends I have one best friend but I moved away so see her every six weeks- which for her isn't enough but for me it's all I can manage. My other best friend died of covid. The other friends I have are not as close but we meet up every now and again (it's easier with her because she is local and has children a similar age, so we can do family things together) Starting a friendship from scratch involves time I just do not have!

I have enough conversation at work to make me feel sufficiently socialised, and I'm lucky I my husband is also the best human being on the planet. So a limited friendship group isn't actually an issue for me but I know it is for many.

Time is at a premium when you are developing your career and have a young family.

I only really have my best friend now who I have been friends with since we were about 3 years old. Other friends have come and gone over the years, college friends, work friends, mom friends. We are going away next weekend to Dublin and I can not wait! I don’t feel I’m missing out not having loads of different friends- it’s quality not quantity! I’m 40.

I just closed this thinking “no that’s not normal” and then came back because I thought maybe you’re getting skewed answers from people who identify with your situation.

I’m in my 30s, lots of friends from different stages of life who I make an effort to see, even the ones who live hours away. Despite having young families we all make the effort, even if that means bringing the kids along sometimes. It’s so important to keep those ties going.

If you’re lonely it’s so worth making an effort to get out there and meet people. Life’s too short not to.

I’m in a similar boat, 2 young children, husband and I both have senior career roles.

We split it that we each have 2 nights a week free. Could be that you work late that night then go to the gym, or see friends, or go to the cinema on your own. But that time is for yourself. The other person is responsible for child pick up, dinner & bedtime.

Then once a month each of us take some time out of a weekend to do something - boozy brunch with friends, or rugby game or whatever

Both of you don’t need to be at home every night for every bedtime and every weekend, it’s nice to spend time on your own with the children while the other person has downtime. It can be done!

sorry for the loss of your friend btw

I too wonder how most people struggle but are married/in relationships

I think it depends on your lifestyle. I am a mum to four, 2 with special needs and I haven't worked for 9 years so most of my daily interactions and social arrangements, which are usually child based, are with other mums from the school who are in a similar situation to me. I have made 2 " proper" friends from the school but don't really interact with others at the school much beyond surface level. I have other friends I've known since school who I see rarely, but when we do, it seems to be more genuine. I'd say it's probably not normal to not have anyone to interact with, but just to not prioritise friendships when your life is taken up with kids, family, work etc is probably normal.

I think you’d be in the minority but I wouldn’t consider abnormal. I think at this stage of life it’s easy to focus on the nuclear family and let friendships go by the wayside. Especially if for example your the first you know going through it. I have always remained invested in my friendships and am quite outgoing Nd make time for people despite busy family life and marriage so Im quite fortunate that I have a number of friends in different circles e.g uni friends, early 20s neighbour friends, Local mum friend from when my eldest was a baby. we hit the young children life stage at the same time so we all had those things in common. There were other fairly close friends from earlier in my professional life and the place where I grew up who hit different life stages and now weve less in common, those friendships have fizzled out/down.

I think it very much depends what you call a friend.

I’ve seen many people say that they have loads of friends and I actually would call those acquaintances or fair-weather friends.
It seems that it’s very rare to have more than 2 or 3 Friends, as in you stay friends no matter what and 30 years later you are still as close as you were. People you can truly depend on etc..,

So for me, you’re not that surprising or unusual.
But it’s nice to have a proper friend you can depend on. Even if you dint see them often.

I’m in my 30s and have lots of friends because I have to - I am single and childless.

I don’t think you’re alone, but I don’t think it’s typical. Threads like this will always attract people who are interested in exploring the subject ie people who are struggle with friendships.

I’m lucky to have always had a select handful of very close friends, but I need to work on a wider day to day social circle.

I think it’s worth working on because it adds all sorts to your life. (Although if you have a full on career and small kids, hanging on to existing ones is probably all you can do.)

When you do have the space to build friends up, then I think it’s about finding things you are interested in doing and finding ways to enjoy meeting the people who like to do those things too. You can’t force friendships, they take time.

I don’t have any friends. It’s so alien to me to hear people talking about going for meals with friends or going on holidays with friends. I don’t think about it then I read about things like that and I think wow, I have no one. Not a single person.

I think the people who continue to have friendships through out their lives must have something others want, admire or aspire to like a sparkling personality, well connected network, great listener for those energy vampires or even a gorgeous holiday home. You are useful to them somehow, even if emotionally useful like you make them laugh or always have an interesting perspective on things, it doesn't have to so sinister.

They also Leave nothing to fester: genuinely can let A LOT slide, don't keep a score of who invited or called whom... etc. They give freely with very little expectation and are BOTH excellent at communication and ironing out misunderstandings. It helps living close or having a shared activity or interest that regularly brings you into contact like religion or sports. So I suppose, being generous, confident and interesting helps you keep friends for life.

Poor MH and stress is so prevalent many people don't have the headspace, energy or bandwidth to support new friends and their issues, only 'investing' in ones who are useful or have so much history with already because emotional support and time are finite resources, it makes people selective who they befriend.

I think the best approach is not to put all your eggs in a basket in one friend, keep meeting new people but only give as much or little as you can without feeling bitter or disappointed if it's not reciprocated. Be brave and invite them out to do stuff first.