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Original poster

I’ve excluded her and I feel horrid

88 replies

sowhisper · 22/11/2023 20:50

DH and I have booked a city break in the new year and invited along my parents. We’ve never holidayed with them before out of the UK. As a gesture of thanks for helping us out financially some time ago, we thought we would pay for their room and flights.

We didn’t deliberately leave out my sister but she is heartbroken and saying she feels terrible to be excluded and that it is really painful. She has her own family and we aren’t that close at all. We also didn’t invite DB and his lot and they don’t seem slightly bothered. We are just two couples so totally had it in mind as a trip we could enjoy. I could have and should have extended the invite to all but it never came to mind given we just wanted to treat my parents on this occasion.

If it’s relevant to add, all families have been on holiday with my parents individually before and we have also been for small weekends away as a whole group. It’s just this occasion which looks different

Should I apologise to her? I don’t know if that will just maybe worsen things. Thanks very much if you read this far.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 23/11/2023 07:23

She's a drama queen and yabu to try to appease her. I'd leave her be or if you have the confidence (which you appear not to) tell her like she's acting like an entitled child.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 23/11/2023 07:39

Just get her a new dummy for Christmas.. And remind yourself she is actually a grown up not a toddler.. Leave her to it op.

Original poster
sowhisper · 23/11/2023 07:46

Sceptre86 · 23/11/2023 07:23

She's a drama queen and yabu to try to appease her. I'd leave her be or if you have the confidence (which you appear not to) tell her like she's acting like an entitled child.

I don’t have the confidence to as it usually just fuels more big reactions from her and I don’t like drama

OP posts:

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MumblesParty · 23/11/2023 07:48

Does she have school age kids?
Are you going in term time?
Is it a child friendly type of trip?

Original poster
sowhisper · 23/11/2023 07:50

MumblesParty · 23/11/2023 07:48

Does she have school age kids?
Are you going in term time?
Is it a child friendly type of trip?

Nope toddler and baby. Going in term time. They could come along no reason why not but I don’t think they would’ve chosen to go there if we weren’t going, or anything like it.

OP posts:
coffeestrongblacknosugar · 23/11/2023 07:55

just ignore this drama llama, you have apologised and have offered other suggestions.

Enjoy your trip with your parents.

Notonthestairs · 23/11/2023 07:57

She hasn't been excluded at all. You've simply done a nice thing for your parents. As adults we do not need to spend identical amounts of time with our parents. We don't need to move as a pack!

She's thoroughly enjoying spoiling your trip as she is now centre of everyone's attention.

You can try appeasing her at the cost to your finances and your plans but it will never be enough.

Womencanlift · 23/11/2023 07:58

It’s either tell her she is being a CF or accept the attitude. Only you can control your reaction to this and while you say you don’t like drama you also need to stand up for yourself

Fulshaw · 23/11/2023 08:00

What do your parents think about her reaction?

Spinet · 23/11/2023 08:06

Oh well if she's manipulative generally, push through the discomfort because you haven't done anything wrong. Why not see what happens if you don't appease.

RB68 · 23/11/2023 08:28

Oh we were treating Mum and Dad and getting some one on one time. We have struggled to visit them this year. We all get so busy don't we. If you want you could then suggest maybe a weekend away with each of you paying for yourselves early next year - maybe even if you want you and her going away rather than all the add ons as well

passiveaggressivenonsense · 23/11/2023 08:32

Don't apologize. Acknowledge her feelings so she feels heard but in no way are you responsible for her feelings.
You can be empathic without assuming responsibility.
Sounds like she has a fear of missing out, historic sibling rivalry ? You said your parents lent you money, has their treatment of all the siblings been equal ?
For whatever reasons this is touching on her fears of being excluded but only she can unravel that. Enabling her behavior won't help her understand its roots.

Passepartoute · 23/11/2023 08:33

sowhisper · 23/11/2023 07:00

I’ve done all of your suggestions and she’s still furious and turning down other suggestions I have

Show quote history

Why is she furious? If she's had holidays before with family members that didn't include you, why does she think that's different? If she thinks you should have invited her, are you also supposed to have invited your brother, or isn't she bothered about him?

MargotBamborough · 23/11/2023 08:34

sowhisper · 23/11/2023 06:48

My gut instinct says she is just trying to manipulate but I do have that niggle of what if she really is hurt…

So what if she is?

We can't have everything we want all of the time and most people learned this in childhood.

If she has ever done anything with your parents and without you then she hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Intermittentgasping · 23/11/2023 08:36

"Heartbroken" ?!?

Every other person is heartbroken on MN at the moment over the most minor of things !

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 23/11/2023 08:40

You sister is being ridiculous and you have done nothing wrong. Just ignore her.

sgvibes · 23/11/2023 08:42

No you don't need to apologise, it's perfectly reasonable to take your parents away for a weekend, unless your sister is 12 and being left behind on her own.

Oldraver · 23/11/2023 09:51

Just tell her, her behaviour is entitled and she is being a brat.

dontgobaconmyheart · 23/11/2023 10:02

It does feel over the top. You've not done anything wrong OP. There was no reason for he to be invited, it doesn't sound like she typically would be, other siblings aren't going etc. It's true she may well have hurt feelings but that does happen in life, it does not mean you're at fault. She can arrange a trip anytime she likes if one means that much to her, and presumably has made arrangements with members of your family before that didn't include you? She's being daft. It's almost like she's trying to spoil it.

What do your parents think of it?

MrsSkylerWhite · 23/11/2023 10:04

Weird. Why would you invite her?

Original poster
sowhisper · 23/11/2023 17:18

dontgobaconmyheart · 23/11/2023 10:02

It does feel over the top. You've not done anything wrong OP. There was no reason for he to be invited, it doesn't sound like she typically would be, other siblings aren't going etc. It's true she may well have hurt feelings but that does happen in life, it does not mean you're at fault. She can arrange a trip anytime she likes if one means that much to her, and presumably has made arrangements with members of your family before that didn't include you? She's being daft. It's almost like she's trying to spoil it.

What do your parents think of it?

Haven’t asked them, I think they feel sorry for her that she is upset but agree it doesn’t make much sense

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 23/11/2023 18:08

The more you try to appease her, the more you give the impression that she has been wronged and you have done something insensitive and hurtful.

You haven't. Do not apologise to her, you don't have anything to apologise for.

"DSis, I invited parents to join us as a way of saying thank you to them. You have been away with them in the past too without other siblings. If you'd like to plan a family holiday and us all go away somewhere together let's discuss in the New Year."

Original poster
sowhisper · 23/11/2023 20:05

Thank you everyone I feel a little bit less guilty now. I have tried to plan and suggest other things but she will refuse and say I’m causing problems in the family by not including her in the first place and that it’s entitled of me to expect her to just recover from being excluded. She needs space. I can respect that and don’t want to make her feel worse but also as someone has pointed out it does mean we will probably all still feel guilty when we go away

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 23/11/2023 21:14

She doesn't need space, she needs to get a bloody grip and you need to ignore her.

Original poster
sowhisper · 23/11/2023 21:31

MargotBamborough · 23/11/2023 21:14

She doesn't need space, she needs to get a bloody grip and you need to ignore her.

Yes it doesn’t make much sense does it

OP posts: