I’ve excluded her and I feel horrid

[sowhisper]

DH and I have booked a city break in the new year and invited along my parents. We’ve never holidayed with them before out of the UK. As a gesture of thanks for helping us out financially some time ago, we thought we would pay for their room and flights.

We didn’t deliberately leave out my sister but she is heartbroken and saying she feels terrible to be excluded and that it is really painful. She has her own family and we aren’t that close at all. We also didn’t invite DB and his lot and they don’t seem slightly bothered. We are just two couples so totally had it in mind as a trip we could enjoy. I could have and should have extended the invite to all but it never came to mind given we just wanted to treat my parents on this occasion.

If it’s relevant to add, all families have been on holiday with my parents individually before and we have also been for small weekends away as a whole group. It’s just this occasion which looks different

Should I apologise to her? I don’t know if that will just maybe worsen things. Thanks very much if you read this far.

You have not done anything wrong!

Of course not! Some ridiculous posts here.

If you all had other individual holidays with your parents, then for whatever reason, this one feels different to your sister.

Just tell her why you are taking your parents, then have a conversation with her about planning an all family get away.

She’s your sister, not some stranger you never have to see again

Is this bothering your parents too? If so, in the nicest possible way etc, I think you are all bonkers. Such a strange reaction from her. Why do you feel bad and what do you think is behind her reaction?

You haven't done anything wrong.

I don't know your sister. I know some sisters are manipulative and attention seeking. Assuming she isn't one of those, I would take this as an expression of wanting to feel close to you and your parents and wondering why she's feeling she's lacking that. Don't be defensive because even though I think you have done nothing wrong defensiveness just puts more barriers up. Try to be more open and ask her about why she feels excluded? Like, why does this time after many occasions where you've done things separately feel different? And really want to know the answer because if she can explain what you've done and you agree it could seem excluding, you'd want to do something about it, wouldn't you?

It's not something you've done intentionally.

What are alternative titles to: "I've excluded her and I feel horrid".

Sounds like your sister is upset but what's the actual emotional need?

To feel included etc...

Wow, your sister is being really weird and controlling. Do NOT apologise, you have done nothing wrong. Tell her she is being weird and intrusive and that everyone spends time with parents without inviting along the whole family.

She sounds jealous and competitive with you and is throwing a tantrum to spoil it for you all as revenge for you stepping out of your rightful place as ‘less significant sister’.

Sod her. If she tells you how hurt she feels say “Actually I feel extremely hurt that you’re selfishly trying to ruin my holiday, perhaps it’s best we don’t discuss it anymore.”

I would tell her you simply wanted to invite your parents away with you to say thank you to them for helping you out.

And also ask how this situation is different to when she holidayed with them without you and your DB's families joining?

It seems as though you intended this holiday as a treat for your parents @sowhisper , fair enough, you are not at fault for not inviting her. Does she realise this though or is she labouring under a false impression that it's some sort of family holiday? It might be that she has got her wires crossed and I kind of see how she may have been feeling a bit miffed if she thought it was a typical family gig.

What a lovely way for your sister to make your attempt at a nice gesture for your parents all about her and her feelings. Honestly it's laughable, just leave her to it. She's just annoyed that she's not the centre of attention.

Your sister sounds like hard work. Just tell her she can arrange to go with your parents next holiday time.

My gut instinct says she is just trying to manipulate but I do have that niggle of what if she really is hurt…

She’s being ridiculous, don’t allow yourself you be manipulated by her.

She’s not hurt she just wants attention.

Given the background history it seems perfectly fine to have not invited your DS and her family. Though to keep peace I would apologise to her and reiterate about previous holidays not involving everyone. Up to whether it’s appropriate to mention that the trip to repay your parents.

So what if she’s hurt? She’s being ridiculous.

I’ve done all of your suggestions and she’s still furious and turning down other suggestions I have

Personally I’d say oh this was just a thank you to my parents, here is where we are staying and the flight details, feel free to book and come with us, we would love to have you. And leave it there. Dont engage in further drama

i winder if she’s jealous.

She's heartbroken? And furious?

And prone to drama by the sounds of it.

Absolutely no need to invite her.

and she’s still furious so what? Let her be furious. She doesn't live with you, stop apologising and let her have her little foot stamp. I have a feeling she is used to everyone dancing to her tune, not upsetting her because of her reaction. This is called FOG, Fear, Obligation, Guilt, usually explained by well that's just how she is ie no one wants to upset her because of the ensuing drama. I think if you do speak to her again you can say you also didn't invite your brother and he isn't having this kind of reaction about it.

How fucking dare she think she is entitled to a holiday on your money. Have a lovely time with your parents.

I'm sat here watching Bluey with my kids and the episode is about Bingo not being invited to a birthday party her sister is going to. And the lesson of the episode is that sometimes we miss out, and that's ok. We don't get to go to everything all the time. Your sister is a grown adult and should know this.

Tell your sister that you are sorry she is disappointed she doesn't get to go this time but if she'd like to plan something together another time, then to let you know. Then don't think about it again. Her choosing to feel hard done by isn't your problem.

Stop trying to appease her. She knows the trip is paid for, she wants you to pay for her too I’ll bet.

Stop trying to bargain with her, the more you bend and twist yourself inside out to accommodate her the more she can play the narrative of being wronged.

Im sorry DS you feel this way hopefully in time you will realise this was a non issue and that you were off your fucking head

Have you considered that she’s not actually trying to manipulate you… it’s your parents she’s manipulating into making her favourite or favoured again?

shes jealous and wants to ruin the lovely trip you have planned

How odd! Maybe there is something else going on in her life that’s affecting her feelings or it’s a bit “straw that broke the camels back”. I could see her being really put out if you always holidayed together, but seems very odd given the context.

She sounds deranged.