Lovely relaxing, mindfull things that make you stressed as fuck....

[Acta]

Earlier this year, I decided to get loads of houseplants because they're meant to be calming.
Nothing has ever had me so bloody stressed...

Some died which made me sad.

Others don't look at all healthy which makes me feel useless.

Others are fine but just look at bit naff in the space I've put them which makes me feel disappointed.

Others have thrived to the point where I've had to re-pot them which has made me happy.

But that's also meant I've needed to buy new pots which makes me feel broke.

And new pots means their original pots are just hanging around now which makes me feel like my house is cluttered.

But then if I buy new plants to go in the now empty pots, I feel stressed because I worry that these new plants might die.

Ad infinitum.

In short - my plans for living among greenery, having purified air, feeling calm among living things has not fucking worked at all

Please tell me what lovely calming, relaxing, mindful things you've done which have totally backfired....

Came here to say this! Thankfully at my current hairdressers they ask first if you want it.
We were once gifted a well being day at work (once and only time). A spa day was booked for everyone.
I said no thanks to the wandering round in a robe bit, got my nails done as my "treatment" 😁 and met the others for a meal afterwards.
I hate being messed about with.
One thing I don't get, is all you people who don't like the relaxation at the end of yoga - what don't you just quietly pack up and sneak off? You can always come up with an excuse for why you have to leave early.

Massages, treatments, spas. Stop fucking TOUCHING me. Whenever someone suggests on here “book a spa day” I always think WHY THE FUCK WOULD THAT IMPROVE MATTERS?! Horrid places. Wouldn’t even give me a cold glass of water because of some chakra bollocks, had to be tepid while I was forced to sit still and not allowed to get my book out.

Supposedly relaxing music gives me the rage.
Enya, fuck off.
Whale music, wtf? Gives me a headache straining for the noises. Or makes me need a wee.
Classical quiet music, just why? I find all of these rage inducing not relaxing.

Anything that makes you strain for it especially. I just think wtf is that annoying noise? It's not background it's just irritation.

Agree with bloody everything here.

The very word wellness does my head in.

"Would you like a head massage?" at the hairdresser.

NO! I do not want some bloody 16 year old randomly pommeling/rubbing/tickling my bloody head. Go away and leave me alone.

(See also: spas, yoga, massages, whale music, wind chimes, mindfulness messages/apps/tapes, baths[I am short, most baths are far too long for me to relax in unless I'm planning to drown myself], baths with scented candles)

I came on to say spas but I see others have beaten me to it.

Specifically spas without enough beds, so that if you go in the pool/sauna then you run the risk of the staff taking your towel/book/phone away, or someone else plonking themselves down.

Baths - always got cold tits because they're too big to get covered in water.

Also Manicure/pedicure...expensive, can't touch anything for ages, pressure to get it done again when it starts to look shit. Hate it if they don't talk to you because it's awkward, hate it if they do because it's too loud to hear properly.

I've got a Deep Sleep app, where a lovely Scottish chap talks to me about relaxing enough to get off to sleep. What he didn't anticipate when he recorded said app was that I, being arsy and menopausal, feel the need to answer him back.
Nice man, "Before we start take some time to finish all the jobs you had to do today."
Me, "Oh get fucking real! As if!"
Nice man, "Let your thoughts drift away"
Me, " Oh do fuck off!"
Right near the end he mutters "Go to sleep" in a rather threatening manner which spooks me a bit. He can hear me!

Oh yes, anything where I'm supposed to concentrate on breathing - instant flashback to childhood asthma attacks with no one helping, cue gasping for breath instead of whatever wanky breathing I was supposed to do

I realised though, that baths are meant to be relaxing because they're warm, and you've got a private space all to yourself. I replicate this by telling dh and sons that I'm going to watch Jane Austen on the telly and would really love their company. This guarantees I get the living room to myself undisturbed. Then I make a cocoon in my heated blanket and I can watch what I like on the telly. Same benefits as a bath but not so wet and boring.

Having to join in with the Hot Tub, hate the bloody thing !
Immersed in water which I also hate, outside in the bloody cold and expected to enjoy a drink as well.

Lying by a pool.

Why? Why am I lying by a pool? Why is it supposed to be nice?

The pool is full of annoying people. I might get sunburnt. And pool loungers are the most uncomfortable item of furniture known to humanity.

Jigsaws.

I love a jigsaw but I have found that I get really frustrated with them!

As a PP said, also baths.

I love a bath but I find it too much effort getting in and out and I get annoyed that I don’t seem to have enough time to have one and relax for as long as I’d like to.

As an infamous house plant axe murderer, I can fully understand the stress of OP .
I now go to a lovely specialist shop that amongst other things sells house plants that are dead, I mean they are not living, they are not real, but they are gorgeous. I am not stressed about them anymore and honestly unless you were sitting on top of one of them you'd never really know.

Massages are another. I really can't be having someone I don't know rubbing oil over my body and delving into the crevices. That's for him to do and then I enjoy it. But a stranger.... and the fear of farting, and that I didn't get every last hair on my torso/legs out, plus not breathing properly with my head in that aperture. Oh god no more.

@SorrowsPrayers 😂😂😂

Concentrating on my breathing. I panic instantly.

This exactly!

Going for a massage. I hate them but had a few brought as gifts (the gift giver also booked themselves in so I had to go along and endure it). I hate being touched.

I had the same plant experience. Looking at three sad looking half dead ones right now but that bastarding things won’t die properly so I can’t get rid of them.

I love yoga but struggle being told to focus on my breathing or a particular body part because it immediately feels wrong and stresses me out. Weirdly I love body scan meditation even though it’s basically the same thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm glad I'm not the only one that can only breathe if i don't think about it!

I've tried the awful exercises where you breath in for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8 - or whatever it is to calm your nerves and I can't do it. I get panicky, feel like I'm holding my breath underwater, let go too quickly and then need to take another quick shallow breath...

I thought there was something wrong with me.

Also the 'mindfulness' stuff where you concentrate on tensing and then relaxing every part of your body individually. It freaks me out to be so aware of the skin I'm in - I feel weirdly claustrophobic.

My hairdresser had these fancy massage chairs put in for when you are having your hair washed! They are awful - something about where the pressure hit my back made me feel like I was going to shit myself!

'soothing' music. especially piano tinkling. or this 'strings with birdsong' that you often get in a massage parlour.
makes me feel on edge.

I love my house plants. but many are sold 'ready to die' by supermarkets. go to a proper plant shop and read up on the need of the plant. they are cheap enough if you realise that this or the other doesn't work out for you.

Anything to do with mindfulness, I can't relax (at least not in that way) and I can't think of nothing. Massages, I've had a couple and tried to enjoy them and in theory they sound great but the invasion of personal space and intimacy from a stranger unsettles me. Also retail therapy if that counts. I walk for hours and hours, get all hot and bothered and come home with nothing. Actually that's not strictly true, I went to buy desperately needed winter boots yesterday and after three hours came home with a tub of custard from M & S.

Thanks for this, made me laugh!

It's
like spa days!

You
end up rushing there, stressing that you’ve shaved/packed costume etc.

Then
once your there it’s like scheduled relaxation, which I can't do. Then a massage,
which feels too light/too hard, or a facial which makes your nose start
itching.
Then
dip in the spa pool, and out into the numerous rooms in a soggy costume that
itches your bum. And you leave with a red face and dehydrtaed from all the sweating.

I totally forgot about baths - yes, so bloody stressful and boring.

I used to spend hours in the bath as a child playing Queen Vic - filling plastic beakers with water from the tap and lining them up on the side for my regular punters.

Now that I'm a bit old for Queen Vic, I just find them simultaneously boring and stressful:
All baths are uncomfortable to lie in.

Trying to hold my book out of the water kills my arms.

I'm basically lying in a rapidly cooling soup of thrush-inducing bubbles and my own body juices when I've a perfectly good sofa to lounge on.

Lying down gives a whole different perspective on the bathroom and I can see every bit of mold, grime, peeling paint, yellowing sealant, crusted toothpaste and random unidentified particles.

I can't stop thinking about the dozen or so household jobs I could be doing in the time I'm lounging in the bath.

Topping up the bath with hot water is a nightmare and new hot water is never properly distributed leading to hot feet, warm-ish pelvic area and freezing shoulders and tits.

The risk of water coming through the kitchen ceiling is always preying on my mind.

If I wash my hair, I have to use the shower head to rinse it anyway.

The bathroom takes about four hours to dry out after a decent hot bath and always has an undertone smell of wet plaster which is terrifying.