Do you ever get over the death of your mum?

Happytimes123456 · 19/11/2023 22:28

MaybeMrs · 19/11/2023 22:26

My lovely mum died in June. 60. She took her own life unexpectedly. I am struggling so much tonight with it. I’ve had counselling but the inquest is coming up and it’s brought the fresh feelings back.

So sorry for your loss, it gets easier to cope with the emotions, but you never get over it.
My mum died 18 years ago and I still cry probably once a week thinking about it.

Utterlypeanuterly · 19/11/2023 22:29

June was very recently so don't feel bad for struggling. My own mum died suddenly last year in her early 70s. It was unexpected and preventable. I don't think you get over it.
I think I'm still in quite a lot of denial.

IheartNiles · 19/11/2023 22:34

Not yet (3 years on). Mine died unexpectedly and it was traumatic.
Your loss will be complicated by the suicide, I can’t imagine how hard that must be to process.
Seek help if needed, after a year I had some counselling and it made a difference to how I viewed things.
I’m sorry for the loss of your lovely mum.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 19/11/2023 22:36

Not really. My mum died 30 years ago and I still miss her every day.

As a mum now myself I feel so sad that she’s not here to meet my kids and see how we’re doing.

Babyroobs · 19/11/2023 22:38

No I don't think it's something you ever get over, you just learn better to live with it. My mum died in similar circumstances ( although accidental overdose of a prescribed drug ) and the inquest was over two years later due to needing research done on the drug etc. I understand how it brings everything to the surface again. I'm so sorry for your loss.

PinkArt · 19/11/2023 22:39

Yes and no. A few months into the grieving process, absolutely not. I'm a decade into it now and mostly fine, but every now and then something can floor me still. Mine died of cancer at 60 and things like the Stand Up To Cancer videos will always have me in floods of tears.
Be kind to yourself, it's a slow process, with all sorts of twists and turns. I promise though that bit by bit it gets better.
I heard it described once as the grief creating a hole inside you. You can never make the hole go away again, but you can fill it up again with new memories, new experiences and so on.

haveaglassofwine · 19/11/2023 22:41

I’m so sorry OP, I lost my beautiful mum last year, some one told me at her funeral that you never get over it you just learn to live with it, I’m still learning, hopefully you will too but it is incredibly hard

Bluestar23 · 19/11/2023 22:41

My mum passed 10 years ago. It’s recorded as part of her illness and expected but I feel she took her own life. She was on oxygen and when I found her in the morning hr mask was dislodged.
She was 60. Her voice , thoughts etc remain me to now. As time passes it gets easier. They are always part of your life.
Sending you lots of love.

MyFavouriteBlankWall · 19/11/2023 22:43

So sorry for your loss, OP. It's very early days yet, and the first Christmas/Birthdays, etc., are hard. The fact that your mum committed suicide is even worse. Are you having any counselling?

My mum died in 1995, and I still miss her. The grief never goes, but living with it gets easier

elkiedee · 19/11/2023 22:48

My mum died just over 7 years ago - she'd been diagnosed with cancer in February 2010 and as terminal in September 2012. She was 72. But even knowing we would lose her for a long time - no, and I think my brother and sister feel the same.

June's no time at all, particularly under the circumstances.

JoanOgden · 19/11/2023 22:49

I'm sorry, OP - how awful to lose your mum like that.

Mine died 12 years ago after a long illness, and I do feel I'm over it, but of course I still think about her often.

Original poster

MaybeMrs · 19/11/2023 22:49

Thank you all. I’ve had some counselling. Maybe I need some more.

I blame myself for not checking on her when she was upset but I’d been drinking that night and couldn’t drive. If I’d have gone round to hers who knows.

OP posts:

EffinMagicFairy · 19/11/2023 22:50

My mum died suddenly when I was 24, 30 years ago, I’ve learnt to live with her not being around for when I married, not even meeting DH, or seeing me have DC and settled and happy. I spend a lot of time thinking about her and can rationalise that if she had to die young of something, then the way she did was better than seeing her suffer, as she was only really poorly for a few days before she passed. I envied the school mums who had their mums collecting the children from school and the sleepovers with their grandkids. Your early days, be kind to yourself, take time to grieve when needed.

lljkk · 19/11/2023 22:50

tbh, I very much anticipated my mom's early demise. There was no shock to it only some frustration, so I didn't find it hard to move on. I'm sorry for your loss. That is one of the most difficult ways to lose someone.

Goldwakeme · 19/11/2023 22:54

I don't think I'll ever get over it. I'm lucky that my mum met my DC, and they can remember her a little. But I'm 5 years on now and I still cry all the time. I try to keep positive and think of all the things we've inherited from her - when I sing, it's my mum's voice I hear, and one of my DC has a talent she had. I spoil my DC with things I'd never have bought them, but my mum would have!

CyberCritical · 19/11/2023 23:00

As above, yes and no. My mum killed herself when I was 21, completely unexpected there had never been any signs of depression or anything to suggest it would happen.

In the initial months it was debilitating, now 19 years later I still think about her all the time but it's generally happy thoughts, remembering good times. I miss that my mum never met my daughter, or saw me married, she wasn't able to share so many of the amazing things that have happened in my life. I also miss the small things, like being able to go round and sit and have a coffee and a hug if I'm feeling a bit down.

It will become easier, slowly but surely you will realise that you've started to remember her and smile rather than cry.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 19/11/2023 23:04

No I don’t think you get over it. In time you accept it and find a way to live life and be happy. I did not have to cope with my mum taking her life. I’m so very sorry OP that must be unbearable and I can’t comment on that. I hope someone will come along with some personal experience to share. X

Dawn17 · 19/11/2023 23:13

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and all the other posters on here who have lost their mums. I lost mine 8 years ago in extremely tragic and traumatic circumstances. She did not want to leave me and a part of me died too that day. However, I know she would want me to carry on with my life and be happy. As a previous poster said, you never get over it, you just learn to live with it.

Babyroobs · 19/11/2023 23:16

Dawn17 · 19/11/2023 23:13

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and all the other posters on here who have lost their mums. I lost mine 8 years ago in extremely tragic and traumatic circumstances. She did not want to leave me and a part of me died too that day. However, I know she would want me to carry on with my life and be happy. As a previous poster said, you never get over it, you just learn to live with it.

I felt a lot of guilt over the circumstances of my mum's death but at the time one of the most helpful things a work colleague said to me was that my mum would not want me to feel that way and that was something I really held onto and kept me going as i felt suicidal myself at the time through guilt.

GrizabellaGerbil · 19/11/2023 23:21

Mine died 13 years ago. Context is everything, so it’s difficult to compare experiences. She had dementia, and her death was a release. I think I got over it fairly quickly. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope you find some peace.

PurpleWhirple · 19/11/2023 23:24

Muchtoomuchtodo · 19/11/2023 22:36

Not really. My mum died 30 years ago and I still miss her every day.

As a mum now myself I feel so sad that she’s not here to meet my kids and see how we’re doing.

All of this.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. It takes a long time to feel more normal after a shock like that, don't expect too much of yourself.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/11/2023 23:25

Oh goodness op I’m so sorry for your loss and what a lot there to unpack and unpick

it’s still so soon. So raw. Try and be kind and patient with yourself.

goodness you’ve made my heart clench. I’m so sorry

Dawn17 · 19/11/2023 23:43

@Babyroobs I am so sorry to hear that you felt like that. I also felt immense guilt at my mums death but I ask myself, if the tables were turned and it had been me who had died, would I want my mum, or anyone else, to feel guilty and I know I wouldn't, I'd want them to be happy and enjoy their lives, making the most of every single day. Also, I've name changed a few times recently, but over the past couple of years you've given me and loads of other people on here really helpful advice regarding benefits. I'm sure your mum would be proud of you and the way you are so quick to help and advise total strangers

Copperoliverbear · 20/11/2023 00:04

No is the simple answer, you carry on for your children. X

caringcarer · 20/11/2023 00:19

My Mum died 10 years ago and I still miss her. I used to dream about her a lot and sometimes it seemed like she was still with me but the last couple of years she hasn't come to me in my dreams and I still wish she would.