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Do you ever get over the death of your mum?

58 replies

MaybeMrs · 19/11/2023 22:26

My lovely mum died in June. 60. She took her own life unexpectedly. I am struggling so much tonight with it. I’ve had counselling but the inquest is coming up and it’s brought the fresh feelings back.

OP posts:
Enko · 20/11/2023 07:03

No op I dont think you ever "get over it" or even truly get used to it. You do learn to live. I'm going to quote you a piece I found helpful 9 years ago when my mum died. It was originally written on responded to a young man who had written online.

My friend has died I don't know what to do.

This was the response
All right, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbours, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents on loss.

I wish I could say you get used to loss. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever I experience loss, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to 'not matter.' I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love I had, and the relationship [with that person]. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph.

Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash over you and wipe you out.

But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything... and the wave comes crashing. But in between the waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself.

And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. You'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.'

Hotcuppatea · 20/11/2023 07:04

Best wishes to you OP and I am sorry for your loss.

It's ok if you want to have more counselling, but sadly that won't help you to get over your mum's death either. There is no getting over it. What happens is that you learn to live with it and, in time, it gets less painful.

If you were to have more counselling, I would suggest using the time to explore why you feel the need/desire to be over it 5 months later. You seem to have some unreasonable expectations of yourself around this and loss brings up all kinds of stuff that we might not be aware of.

I would also keep in mind that suicide is one of the hardest ways to lose someone we are close to. The guilt and shame that are associated with this kind of bereavement make it an even more complicated time to navigate.

Take good care of yourself 💐

Quirrelsotherface · 20/11/2023 07:20

It will be 9 years for me next year. Lots of posters have said it but you never get over it, you learn to live with it and around it.
My mum went suddenly and early 60's and I will say that it completely changed me as a person, I will never be who I was before.

I also feel it when my children, who she would have completely adored, achieve something. I am ecstatically proud and then heart-sinkingly sad in the same minute because she can't share in it and I find that feeling so hard.

Berlinlover · 20/11/2023 07:23

My mother died of cancer when I was 10. I’m now 47 and was diagnosed with cancer in September. I wish she was here all the time but now more than ever. Sorry for your loss x

Soshitatgifts · 20/11/2023 07:23

My heart goes out to everyone who knows how this feels…mine was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s at 57, died 14 years ago at 67.

I’m still broken and traumatised

tapdancingmum · 20/11/2023 07:25

I lost my mum very unexpectedly in June as well and also have the inquest coming up so I can understand some of what you are feeling.

Sending you hugs and love and hope we get through it sometime. I don't ever want to forget her but I would like the extreme sadness to abate a bit. It has become quite overwhelming at the moment but that is because we have to go through an inquest and the date is getting closer - I have all the paperwork to read and am burying my head in the sand at the moment. ❤️

MaybeMrs · 20/11/2023 18:12

Thank you everyone. I was having a difficult night, my partner is away with work and I was alone with my thoughts.
im so sad at what she will miss out on. Her grandchildren were everything to her and they have so much to do in this life, none of which she will see. I’m really not looking forward to Xmas

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 20/11/2023 18:18

I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly but the nature of your mums death @MaybeMrs is incredibly shocking.

I don't think it will just be about the loss of your mum, but also the nature of her death. I hope you are seeking all the support you can and I'd highly recommend longer term counselling and maybe joining some specific groups for people in similar situations.

My mum collapsed and died which was utterly life changing and I'll never get over the suddenness of what happened that day but death by suicide is another level. I'm so sorry for your loss ❤

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