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Original poster

Do you ever get over the death of your mum?

58 replies

MaybeMrs · 19/11/2023 22:26

My lovely mum died in June. 60. She took her own life unexpectedly. I am struggling so much tonight with it. I’ve had counselling but the inquest is coming up and it’s brought the fresh feelings back.

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 20/11/2023 00:21

No. My mother died 9 years ago my father almost 4. It gets easier to cope with. But I still have my days and a small reminder pops up and it'll make me tear up. Sending you hugs. The best way I can explain it is a U2 song lyric I'm in you more so when they put me in the ground. That sums it up for me. I find as my dd goes thru different stages of growing up I wish more and more I could call her.

Quantumphysicality · 20/11/2023 00:22

I’m so sorry for your loss.

When my mum died earlier this year (in her 70s of an aggressive cancer) I went through many stages of grief including guilt and anger (had my siblings and I not been closer we may have fallen out permanently over minor matters that seemed so important at the time).

It does get more manageable. The posters saying it doesn’t I think maybe don’t remember the very early days, where anything is a trigger, when you least expect it. It still happens for me often, but it gets less.

No doubt your mum taking her own life will add additional layers. Im sure you know logically that you aren’t to blame, but the human brain is a funny thing.

take care

SirVixofVixHall · 20/11/2023 00:27

I am so sorry Op. i think a traumatic death like suicide is particularly shocking and hard to process. I lost a family member to suicide and I think the first year was just a blur of shock.
I don’t think anyone really gets over losing their mother, or someone they love very much. My Mum died six years ago but I was crying yesterday as I missed her and just wanted to talk to her. I think what happens is that the grief becomes part of you and you learn to adjust and to cope with the loss, but it is always there. The price we pay for love.

Onand · 20/11/2023 00:49

Circumstances matter relative to how you feel about their death. My mum was riddled with cancer and had fought it for a number of years, death was a release for her, had she not died she would have been living a very miserable painful existence so I accept that for her it was the necessary evil. Of course I miss her terribly but I would not have wanted her to live another day longer as things were at the end.

Your tragic loss is completely different. You have the shock of the unexpected to deal with as well as many complex questions you will likely never find answers to all on top of the death of a parent. Take your time OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2023 00:51

I don't think you ever get over the death of someone you love. You simply find a way to work through it.

TheKnittedCharacter · 20/11/2023 00:55

You lost your mum when she was still young and in terrible circumstances. I think it’s entirely normal that you will feel devastated about it.

Have you considered counselling?

CallieQ · 20/11/2023 01:01

So sorry for your loss OP. My mum died 16 years ago I still miss her

unsync · 20/11/2023 01:20

Eight years here. The first two years were awful. Gradually, you learn to live with it, but time doesn't heal it. It just becomes part of you. At some point, you start to remember the happier times rather than feeling sad when you think about her. It triggered a lot of change in my life as it made me think about what I was actually doing.

Just do whatever you need to do to get through, it's a massive shock. Nothing anyone says makes you feel better either, it just sucks. It will get easier at some point though. 💐

Siha345 · 20/11/2023 01:24

You don’t get over but you do get through it, everything gets better with time and the pain lessens to a point where you can carry on and look to the future. My mum died almost 10 years ago and there will always be a gap in my life but it’s not the gaping hole it was at first.

I would carry on with counselling (it might take a few tries to find the right one if it doesn’t help at first) as she passed away in circumstances that must be incredibly hard for you. You don’t have to face your feelings alone

TimeForBedSaidZebadee · 20/11/2023 01:26

I'm so sorry for your loss op. I don't think you can ever really get over the loss of someone who is so close to you.
Totally different situation but my mum is on end of life care at the moment. She's 93 and I know how incredibly lucky I am to have had her with me for so long.
She has no quality of life anymore. She is very ill and has no idea what is going on around her. I know it's her time, she is suffering and I just want her to be at peace. But it will destroy me when she goes which will be any time now.
Be kind to yourself, its only been a few months and the circumstances of your mums passing are so terribly sad. I think, in time your grief will become easier to handle which is probably all anyone can wish for.

Siha345 · 20/11/2023 01:29

It was different circumstances but my mum also died suddenly and not getting to say goodbye/the sudden shock makes the grief even harder to get through. If there is one positive to take (as we must look for them everywhere), you will become stronger and more resilient in the long run. You are tougher than you think and you will get through this ❤️

GodspeedJune · 20/11/2023 01:38

I’m so very sorry for your loss. It is still so early, and the circumstances will add another dimension to your grief, but I think for a lot of people it’s not a loss you ever get over. My DGM lost her own mother at a very young age, and spoke of her with longing and grief until the days before she died herself at the age of 90.

Growlybear83 · 20/11/2023 01:38

No, I'm not sure you ever get over it. It's bad enough losing your Mum, but the circumstances you've experienced must make it even harder to cope with, OP. I'm so sorry. My Mum died last year at 95. She had advanced dementia and so in many ways I'd lost her a couple of years before then, but I still miss her so much. There is barely a day when I don't cry, and it still feels like a physical pain. My dad died over 30 years ago, and although I came to terms with the loss a long time ago, I still miss him too after all this time.

Mediumred · 20/11/2023 01:43

I am so sorry you are facing this OP. I lost my mum and at first you dont know how you manage to put one foot in front of the other but you do, you trudge on and you find comfort from people/things.

but your second post, please don’t feel such guilt, people who take their own lives are in such a dark place but you cannot watch them every moment, you must sleep/rest/recharge, you must step away for moments for your own sanity. Your mum was ill, as ill as if she’d had cancer or heart disease. And just as we cant save our beautiful mums from these diseases you couldnt save her from hers.

big hugs, pursue the counselling x

comfyshoes2022 · 20/11/2023 01:50

Muchtoomuchtodo · 19/11/2023 22:36

Not really. My mum died 30 years ago and I still miss her every day.

As a mum now myself I feel so sad that she’s not here to meet my kids and see how we’re doing.

Similar here. I cope with the loss fine at this point, and lead a healthy and productive life, but I will never be over it.

As I move through different life stages, the grief hits me in different ways. Even now, she will appear in my dreams or something will happen that prompts me just to weep with sadness for her, for me, for different people who loved her and were affected by her death. I think it’s natural. People who haven’t been through it don’t understand, which is also natural.

WelcomeFlower · 20/11/2023 02:01

Well I lost my mother when I was a teen, so it's been quite a while, over 40 years and I still think of her, still talk about her when my daughters ask what she was like, you lose a lot when you lose them young, so much of life that could have been shared but..

I fully understand whereby some children and mothers are so close throughout the years and do everthing together that it's also like losing your best friend and allie, very difficult as you have the shared memories to miss.

Op you have lost your mother and had the added devastation of these other circumstances, I really can't imagine your pain.

Take care, one day at a time, that's all you can do.

Stresa22 · 20/11/2023 02:09

It’s been 15 years for me and I’m not used to it. I miss her and talk to her every day. I wasn’t prepared for how unsafe I would feel in the world or the physical pain of the loss. Be gentle with yourself and with her. 💐

noodlezoodle · 20/11/2023 02:46

I think you don't get over it but you do get used to it. But there are always certain things that will pop up and suddenly you're distraught all over again.

However, I can't imagine how difficult it must be having lost someone to suicide. I think have more counselling if you can - you mentioned a feeling of 'what if...' and I think that must be very hard to handle, but it's important to remember that you are not responsible for what happened. The circumstances of my mum's death were different, but after 4 years I still think 'what if...' - I suspect it's a way of trying to work through it - but I try to limit this thinking because we can't change what's happened.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP - have an unmumsnetty hug from me ((( )))

Swimaway9 · 20/11/2023 06:28

So sorry OP. Suicide is so traumatic for those left behind. I lost a close relative at a young age due to suicide made to look accidental. We all knew it was suicide when we found out they had an undisclosed progressive disease. The family were devasted not only regarding the death but there was anger they never spoke to anyone about it. Its been 3 years and although it still hurts it does get easier especially when you know it's what the deceased wanted. When its someone who has been a large part of your life there will always be a gap as if something is missing but you learn to 'live with it' One day at a time. 💐

Namechange4234 · 20/11/2023 06:48

You definitely need lots more counselling after such an awful trauma

Absolutely none of it is your fault, but blaming yourself is perfectly normal when you're grieving

I am still grieving over my Mum and she passed in 2016. It's not as raw as it was

tokesqueen · 20/11/2023 06:52

My DM was killed in a car accident under unusual circumstances. I'd already list my DF at 54.
We'd buried her, sold the family home of fifty years and wrapped up her estate within 1 weeks.
Worst time of my life but yes, you do learn to get on with life. I'm a list maker and very practical. I think that saved me tbh.

tokesqueen · 20/11/2023 06:53

*12 weeks!

mandydandy · 20/11/2023 06:56

I don't think you do. Well I haven't. Today would be my lovely mum's birthday. We will eat lemon drizzle cake on her honour.
It is 13 years since I last gave her a birthday hug. I miss her daily and she is always who I want to call with important news. Good or bad.
Take care of yourself if you are missing your mum today.

jennyt82 · 20/11/2023 07:00

I lost my Mum very unexpectedly a year ago. I think about her a lot and things like seeing something she'd like in the shops can still make me tearful in Tesco.
I can talk about her with my Dad and children fondly but when I talk about her to my husband I still cry. She told me to be strong for my Dad so I am and I have 4 children who keep me busy. To me it now feels like an ache that hasn't gone away,

PermanentTemporary · 20/11/2023 07:01

I'm very sorry to hear of this loss.

I haven't lost my mum yet, though she is so disabled that we can't speak on the phone or anything like that, but I lost my husband to suicide five years ago. I had therapy for over four years and it is still always going to be part of me. I think if you can have more counselling, do. Please don't blame yourself.

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