Had to leave a medical procedure and I am so upset, need help to make sense of it!

[Rolypops]

Sorry - this is a long one!

I have had 25 serious orthopaedic surgeries in my lifetime, alongside a whole host of other procedures in the last five years or so due to a series of health scares including a sigmoidoscopy and a colposcopy just last year. I am usually quite stoic about medical tests etc and have never had an issue. This isn't to say I am some kind of superhero but its just to provide some context as I cannot get my head around what happened to me today.

In April I was admitted for what I think was probably stress-induced gastritis but the Dr wanted to be on the safe side and ordered an 'emergency' endoscopy that took until last week to come through. I was naturally a smidge nervous as I have never had anything like this before to do with my stomach/throat etc but I was mostly fine and tottled into hospital this morning with no issue.

However, when I walked into the theatre and lied down on the bed I just got the most horrendous sense of imminent doom I have EVER experienced, not so much a panic attack but more that my body just would not allow me to lie down and have the tube inserted, I was utterly convinced that I would not be able to breathe and that I would die. I did not even feel as though I was in the same room as my body and knew it just wasn't going to work. I calmly sat up and told the Dr "I cannot do this" which he understandably took as my withdrawing consent and for obvious reasons needed me to give it again before offering sedation as I had even been bloody cannulated at this point! I sat there in a kind of frozen state trying to collect myself but eventually a really kind nurse told me she could see I wasn't in the right frame of mind to have the procedure and would I like to leave the theatre to which I burst into tears and begged to leave. In other words I made an utter and complete fool of myself!

WTAF is wrong with me? Why couldn't I overcome this frozen shock response, why couldn't I just get on with it like normal. I am MORTIFIED about it and so so upset to have wasted all the Drs and nurses time, getting DH to take the afternoon off of work etc. I feel like such an idiot but worse, they have told me they will rebook me but I am now almost certain it will happen again as I will be expecting it too IYSWIM. It feels like my mind and body weren't in sync at all and I have been upset and crying all day and don't feel like myself at all. TBH I wasn't entirely sure I still needed the procedure in the first place as my symptoms have definitely improved so am seriously considering just not going!

I have no emetophobic tendencies and had prepared myself fully, I just do not understand!

Reassurance/advice would be really appreciated, I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone else I know about this.

I think you need to step back and read how you’re speaking about yourself here. You’ve been through A LOT of operations and procedures. I’d say it’s no wonder you’ve reached the point where having to endure more medical intervention has become traumatising for you.

I’ve been there myself as I’ve also had a lot of medical situations in the past 15y - surgeries, procedures, scans, endless blood tests, it gets to you. It’s hardly ‘normal’ to have to swallow a camera and choke for ages whilst a camera is shoved into your stomach..

try and speak more kindly about yourself, you deserve praise and self love for getting through all of these things💖

Did you have any kind of local anaesthetic?

I ask, because very often local anaesthetic includes a fair whack of adrenaline along with the painkiller and muscle relaxant (it increases pain tolerance apparently) and some people are unusually sensitive to it. I’ve had a weird kind of post anaesthetic fainting reaction myself, and this makes sense of it.

Next time you have a procedure like this done, inform the team. The solution could be as simple as a tweak in your pre-op sedative medications.

Thanks @MorningHood for being so kind, I really need it at the moment as I feel so fragile!

I think this issue is just how out of the blue it was, I had only what I would say was normal anxiety about it right up until getting on the bed but it was as if something in my brain just went "absolutely not" and I couldn't override it no matter what I tried I was just completely frozen and honestly could barely speak.

I did have the throat spray so maybe that was it? I remember the Dr saying something along the lines of the throat spray sometimes make people more anxious.

Wikipedia (which, as everyone knows is the font of all knowledge) says it’s a completely normal and very common response, especially with everything you’ve been through. You’d have to be made of stone for all of that not to have any effect on your mental health. Stop beating yourself up about it, you’re not weird for reacting that way, it’s completely normal.

If it’s any consolation, I once burst into really noisy, ugly crying, complete with wailing and snot bubbles, in a packed ward of people, because I saw a nurse walking towards me with a needle. I was a grown woman with a lot of tattoos and a lot of piercings, and had quite happily been jabbed with needles all week. Not quite on the same scale as everything you’ve been through, but you sound like you were a lot more dignified about it than I was!

You poor thing, I hope you get better soon. Interesting fact, though, some people can’t feel pain and they have been studied, obviously not feeling pain will have huge downsides to it! But the one thing which made them react strongly was lack of oxygen. It’s proper lizard brain stuff, I very expect that they deal with this issue all the time so don’t be embarrassed I would imagine this experienced nurse knew when to call it.

I think its precisely because I have been through so much medically that I am so upset by my reaction as it was just so unlike me. My first operation was at 1 hour old! I can't really overstate just how completely terrified I was, I genuinely could not move or speak until the lovely nurse horse whispered me back into my body.

I was also going to ask about local anaesthetic. I once had a load at the dentist which got into my bloodstream too quickly and I felt terrible. Absolutely panicked, sense of doom, refused to lie down and almost leapt out of the upstairs window to get away. The dentist recognised what was happening and thankfully reassured me that it was probably the type of anaesthetic. He told me I would feel better in 10-15 minutes. He also reassured me that there were different types of local anaesthetics and that they could try the one without the adrenaline in next time. I want to reassure you that it sounds very much like this is what happened to you and that there will be other options. It's now on my notes and I get given a different type. Either way, you will have lots of different options going forward.

Just to chip in a thought. When I had this procedure last they gave me gas and air which worked very well - it had no unfortunate side effects - I had enough gasps to be drifting away and before I knew it it was all over and done with. Apparently this was a new method they were trialling and I am very happy that I went for this. Rather than make me anxious it made me "happy" and completely worry free.

I am sorry you have had this bad experience, but it is entirely understandable so please do not add self-blame to your problems.

It's not odd at all that you felt the way you felt right before the procedure!
I agree with previous posters, be kind to yourself! You have been through a lot!

Sending you good vibes, and best wishes for your health!

Maybe it was your intuition about that particular day. I've been reading a lot of stories along these lines on Reddit recently, about intuition and close calls avoiding car accidents, etc. I don't know how it works but so many people have shared this experience it must be real. Perhaps if you rebooked it will be fine. Maybe there was something about that particular day with those staff, but will be different next time. I would try again and see if it happens again, and if so I'd maybe explore some anxiety triggers. Hormones can cause this too, so perhaps it was just a hormones fluctuation and will be better next time.

Dh has a long term condition and has had loads of procedures over the past 20 years or so. He was fine until he wasn't, just randomly fainted one time when a nurse approached him with a blood pressure cuff

You've been through a lot and could be more traumatised than you realise. Be kind to yourself, maybe consider some therapy, it really helps.

This is very wise.

I was going to ask about local anaesthetic too. I had a really bad reaction when I had some at the dentist last time and absolutely thought I was going to die.

Please try and be gentle on yourself. I have had endoscopies and they are not pleasant and I have had a number of medical things as well over the years so not like had nothing to compare it to. Those doing the procedure will I am sure have had similar before and they could clearly see it was not for lack of you trying. Be sure to speak with the department when you get your next appointment about what they can do for next time so that you can plan it clearly before to maximise the chance of things going smoothly.

I’ve read a few threads about endoscopies recently. Lots of people are scared of them and it’s common to need more than one go.

I had sedation for a dental problem recently and it was fantastic. I was lying there about to tell the dentist I couldn’t do it and to call the whole thing off, next thing I knew they were fetching my friend to take me home because it was all done.

There is nothing wrong with not being stoic or admitting you are scared and it happens to doctors with unpleasant procedures all the time. So I would rebook, ask them to sedate you asap once you get in there and then go home with no recollection of anything 🙂

To add to my post above about the dentist, the adrenaline in the injection was the reason I was panicking even more before the sedation kicked in. Some people definitely are sensitive and it doesn’t affect others. So maybe they can do the throat spray after sedating you or use a different one.
I find it bizarre that they use pain relief that can make people feel anxious/panicky as lots of patients are understandably already scared!

Please be kind to yourself. You have been through an awful lot and are only human- everybody has a limit! I don't know if its helpful but I'm sending you solidarity- i had a fair amount of medical procedures as a teenager and the endoscopy was the only procedure that I got worked up about. I felt absolutely terrified going in and laying down and everything being prepared, I can remember the feeling now nearly 20 years later! It goes against all your instincts. If it helps, actually having it done wasn't as bad as the build up if that makes sense. I concentrated on counting in my head and I knew that it would be finished before I made it to 5000 (I think mine took about an hour but possibly this varies?). Take your time, talk through your fears with a loved one, you may feel completely differently on a different day. You will be safe. And please don't be embarrassed, its so understandable.

Lots of people panic during endoscopies, from everything I've read, so absolutely no need to be embarrassed, OP. They'll have seen it all before dozens of times.

I've not had a gastroscopy, but have had a bronchoscopy. It took everything I possess to go through with it. It didn't go down entirely well when, afterwards, they asked how I was feeling and I said "Okay...considering I've just been waterboarded..."

I agree with others OP, be kind to yourself. Despite all the other surgeries and being stoic etc, you are allowed to be scared, worried, anxious at times. I would ask for far more than local throat spray next time. A pre-op to relax you and either gas and air or sedation. You can also have a general in some cases.

OP- Clearly a typo, but you did make me laugh with this comment.
I genuinely could not move or speak until the lovely nurse horse whispered me back into my body. 🐴

Gosh OP, I could have written this myself. Almost the same thing happened to me. I too had what I also suspected was stress-induced symptoms and was booked in for an endoscopy. I am always able to get through medical appointments, and was fine until I got in the room. I passed out and thought I would vomit, even though in my head I was fine, it was like my body went into a very sudden ‘nope’ mode. They lay me down but my blood pressure went so high they were concerned about going ahead.

I completely understand about feeling mortified, but please do try to be kinder on yourself. They will be completely used to people reacting in all sorts of ways, and it won’t seem as inexplicable or embarrassing to them as it does to us. I , too,am very fearful now that it will be an automatic reaction in any medical situation, and it has happened to me again subsequently unfortunately, but I just have to try to accept that, for now, for whatever reason, my body is doing this, even though I don’t understand it.

It is really horrible, and frustrating, and I send you a solidarity hug and hope things improve for you soon. Our bodies can be so strange to us.

I think it would have made much more sense with a well-placed hyphen, TBF. As in ‘horse-whispered’. 😂 Though I do love a bit of grammatical ambiguity.

Good grief, op. You need to be A LOT kinder to yourself. You panicked, your reaction was beyond you, and it was in no way your fault. You absolutely did not make a fool out of yourself.

This happened to me when I had to go for a LLETZ procedure on my cervix. The gynae couldn't even insert the speculum as I was so tense. In the run up to it I was so anxious I thought I was going to vomit, was pacing the waiting room, crying etc. I don't know why I had this reaction either. He ended up saying that I would need to have a general anaesthetic (which I did).

I'm so sorry you went through this. I think sometimes we all forget just how invasive medical procedures are. Be kind to yourself and don't feel silly about it.