Had to leave a medical procedure and I am so upset, need help to make sense of it!

[Rolypops]

Sorry - this is a long one!

I have had 25 serious orthopaedic surgeries in my lifetime, alongside a whole host of other procedures in the last five years or so due to a series of health scares including a sigmoidoscopy and a colposcopy just last year. I am usually quite stoic about medical tests etc and have never had an issue. This isn't to say I am some kind of superhero but its just to provide some context as I cannot get my head around what happened to me today.

In April I was admitted for what I think was probably stress-induced gastritis but the Dr wanted to be on the safe side and ordered an 'emergency' endoscopy that took until last week to come through. I was naturally a smidge nervous as I have never had anything like this before to do with my stomach/throat etc but I was mostly fine and tottled into hospital this morning with no issue.

However, when I walked into the theatre and lied down on the bed I just got the most horrendous sense of imminent doom I have EVER experienced, not so much a panic attack but more that my body just would not allow me to lie down and have the tube inserted, I was utterly convinced that I would not be able to breathe and that I would die. I did not even feel as though I was in the same room as my body and knew it just wasn't going to work. I calmly sat up and told the Dr "I cannot do this" which he understandably took as my withdrawing consent and for obvious reasons needed me to give it again before offering sedation as I had even been bloody cannulated at this point! I sat there in a kind of frozen state trying to collect myself but eventually a really kind nurse told me she could see I wasn't in the right frame of mind to have the procedure and would I like to leave the theatre to which I burst into tears and begged to leave. In other words I made an utter and complete fool of myself!

WTAF is wrong with me? Why couldn't I overcome this frozen shock response, why couldn't I just get on with it like normal. I am MORTIFIED about it and so so upset to have wasted all the Drs and nurses time, getting DH to take the afternoon off of work etc. I feel like such an idiot but worse, they have told me they will rebook me but I am now almost certain it will happen again as I will be expecting it too IYSWIM. It feels like my mind and body weren't in sync at all and I have been upset and crying all day and don't feel like myself at all. TBH I wasn't entirely sure I still needed the procedure in the first place as my symptoms have definitely improved so am seriously considering just not going!

I have no emetophobic tendencies and had prepared myself fully, I just do not understand!

Reassurance/advice would be really appreciated, I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone else I know about this.

I've had two c-sections under local anaesthetic, the first one I threw up on the table

The second one I had a massive panic attack and told the anaesthetist I thought my arms had fallen off. Turns out the weird feeling in my arms was caused by the panic response to the anaesthetic, not the anaesthetic itself. Then I threw up.

Drugs have weird side effects sometimes, there's no reason to beat yourself up about it

Hope you're ok

Don't be embarrassed OP. One thing I do at work is outpatient biopsies under CT. Different procedure but unpleasant nonetheless. Sometimes patients change their minds once there. Often after a chat with us, they agree, but other times they don't. Just last week I went to get a drink of water before we started a biopsy. Coming back I passed the patient in the hallway, he was carrying his bag. He never came back! We don't think anything negative of it - we understand it's not a nice thing to have done, and they can always return when and if they are ready. We aren't going anywhere.

It put me in mind of being trapped in a bad blow job. It was wretched! Never again if I can't be knocked out.

I love you for this.

I had to have an endoscope and I was really really nervous. I walked in to the room and froze. I couldn’t move. I just started saying I can’t do this I need to go. The nurse was lovely and persuaded me to try and I did manage it. I have never froze like that before. Don’t worry about it at all and do not feel embarrassed. Xx

The issue resolved itself. I had a feeling that something was stuck in my throat constantly. It turned out it was caused by eating bread which I was unable to digest or tolerate. Once I identified what was causing it the problem went away. Bread has so much rubbish in it these days. I make my own sourdough now and eat much less bread generally.

It’s natural to be fearful about someone blocking your airway . I was terrified about my endoscopy having seen many so I asked for sedation.
It was an absolute doddle with sedation . Ask for this next time. Be gentle on yourself.

I've had this. It was horrendous and although it sounds so easy in theory, in reality it is not nice at all. I have no idea how I got through it, I went into a daze reciting random shit in my head to get through it.

I had to sit in the waiting room afterwards as I believe all people do and then I had to drive to the station and get a train to London as I had an all day meeting there the next day and oh my god how I made it to the hotel I'll never know. I felt woozy the whole time on the train, and by Old Street was hardly able to stand. I leant on my wheely suitcase to get me to the hotel and I curled up in the bed [so about 4 hours after the actual procedure] and sweated, cried, had convulsions and was really fucking bad for the rest of the day.

It is after this that I resigned never to go anywhere again without strong painkillers in my suitcase.

This is more than just not liking something. Sounds like full on anxiety. Probably best to talk to GP now.

"I was utterly convinced that I would not be able to breathe and that I would die. "

That's not normal, that is not a normal reaction to this procedure. Plus you know this isn't true so it sounds like irrational. Chronic anxiety . Of course people breathe and don't die, they do it to 100's of patients per week. Think about what you are actually saying here ,and how irrational it is. think about why you're saying here? what is your actual fear?

Btw I had one done last year. It was a very unpleasant experience. I really struggled and couldn't get there camera down and was sick and it was awful and I couldn't swallow. then when she did eventually get it down, she couldn't see anything so it was pointless. and I had to return and have it done again. I am a natural trooper and just do what needs to be done but I was seriously struggling and I felt so ill and I had a sore throat for over a week afterwards. It was a nightmare. One of the worst things I've had done and I've had loads and loads of investigations and operations, and none of them have ever bothered me as much as this one.

So I do understand, but really your feelings towards it are not normal, so you need to address those, your actual fears, your underlying fears .

Or are you just not going to have it done?

I'm honestly not sure if I'll have it done @Oblomov23 and honestly I do know how irrational my response was, which is why I posted here as I was so confused by it. Sorry to hear you had such a horrible time with it. I think some therapy might be a good idea if this feeling starts to manifest in other medical treatments which I'll always need. I'm really hoping the adrenaline in the throat spray was the culprit though as it really would make so much sense. Then all I would need to do is tweak my pre op care as a PP suggested.

I can sympathise. I went for an endoscooy and opted for just the throat spray. It was awful and I stopped them as it was so painful, they then gave me conscious sedation. They now also want me to have a Manometry which is a tube up my nose down to my stomach but no sedation as I have to swallow liquids. I just can’t even think about doing it as the endoscopy was painful so I’ve cancelled the test. I don’t know how they will treat me or what they will say. I see the consultant next week. Don’t feel bad about not coping. It’s a horrible test and I am scared about any further tests

I've had a nose camera as well as an endoscopy. The nose camera was nothing compared. It's a bit of a nasty sensation but it's not horrendous to anywhere near the same degree.

When I had mine, it was months on the waiting list. I'd stopped having symptoms but thought I should do it anyway. They didn't find anything!

So I went through all that just to feel like a complete fraud. I wish I hadn't bothered.

Obviously I'm not encouraging you to ignore medical advice. But I think there has to be a balance between traumatic investigations and the likelihood of actually finding something.

@TheHawkisHowling sounds very similar to my situation really in that my stomach issues aren't anything like they were in April and I don't know if its worth putting myself through it when it seems to me that the likelihood of finding anything worrying is probably quite slim. Nothing showed up in any blood test or the scan they did in April and I was always quite certain the Dr was right in the diagnosis of stress induced gastritis as I was recently bereaved and just quite mentally poorly at the time. Also I think I would cope with a nose camera much better but haven't been told that is an option in my case.

I had an endocospy recently. It was the most horrendous medical experience i've ever had. So don't feel bad. I won't be doing another one without complete heavy sedation lets just put it that way!

I think mine is very similar, from the sounds of it. One of the first things I get when I've become mentally unwell is gastric distress. It is triggered by a few other things, but nothing that's not easy to avoid.

In my case, I think if anyone was to catch the issue, I'd have to have investigation during an active flare up. I've been offered another endoscopy and also a colonoscopy but they're going to take months to arrange. And the idea of going through either for no good reason fills me with a nameless dread!