Had to leave a medical procedure and I am so upset, need help to make sense of it!

[Rolypops]

Sorry - this is a long one!

I have had 25 serious orthopaedic surgeries in my lifetime, alongside a whole host of other procedures in the last five years or so due to a series of health scares including a sigmoidoscopy and a colposcopy just last year. I am usually quite stoic about medical tests etc and have never had an issue. This isn't to say I am some kind of superhero but its just to provide some context as I cannot get my head around what happened to me today.

In April I was admitted for what I think was probably stress-induced gastritis but the Dr wanted to be on the safe side and ordered an 'emergency' endoscopy that took until last week to come through. I was naturally a smidge nervous as I have never had anything like this before to do with my stomach/throat etc but I was mostly fine and tottled into hospital this morning with no issue.

However, when I walked into the theatre and lied down on the bed I just got the most horrendous sense of imminent doom I have EVER experienced, not so much a panic attack but more that my body just would not allow me to lie down and have the tube inserted, I was utterly convinced that I would not be able to breathe and that I would die. I did not even feel as though I was in the same room as my body and knew it just wasn't going to work. I calmly sat up and told the Dr "I cannot do this" which he understandably took as my withdrawing consent and for obvious reasons needed me to give it again before offering sedation as I had even been bloody cannulated at this point! I sat there in a kind of frozen state trying to collect myself but eventually a really kind nurse told me she could see I wasn't in the right frame of mind to have the procedure and would I like to leave the theatre to which I burst into tears and begged to leave. In other words I made an utter and complete fool of myself!

WTAF is wrong with me? Why couldn't I overcome this frozen shock response, why couldn't I just get on with it like normal. I am MORTIFIED about it and so so upset to have wasted all the Drs and nurses time, getting DH to take the afternoon off of work etc. I feel like such an idiot but worse, they have told me they will rebook me but I am now almost certain it will happen again as I will be expecting it too IYSWIM. It feels like my mind and body weren't in sync at all and I have been upset and crying all day and don't feel like myself at all. TBH I wasn't entirely sure I still needed the procedure in the first place as my symptoms have definitely improved so am seriously considering just not going!

I have no emetophobic tendencies and had prepared myself fully, I just do not understand!

Reassurance/advice would be really appreciated, I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone else I know about this.

P.S. I've also had the procedure in your OP and the throat spray left me with such an odd feeling of being unable to swallow that it led to me feeling super anxious. Although I did get the procedure done. Friends who've also had it done said to me to ALWAYS get the sedation.

The horse-whispering was unfortunately not a typo, though I bloody wish it was! It was an accurate description of what the poor nurse had to do to get me to become sentient again [oops]. She was so lovely though and I'm so lucky she was there to advocate for me when I was unable to myself.

Thank you all for being so lovely about this and for helping me process it. DH is a bit perplexed about it all and I'm embarassed to admit to anyone else what happened just yet. I'm honestly not sure what I'll do when I get the letter for a new appointment and am seriously considering not going through with it it.

Sorry OP- I read it as 'The Nurse Horse' whispered ....

On re-reading, I can see what you meant. 😬

Oh love. You do need to be fair kinder to your self.

It was a reaction completely out of your control and makes so often. You wasted no one's time at all and you are worth the time and resources to feel happy and comfortable with a proceedure.

I am infamous at panicking in medical situations... Yet handled an emergency c section, relatively stress free. There is no rhyme and reason sometimes.

My worst was when I needed a MRI scan on my head. Was super calm and fine going in, apparently within 20 seconds I was clawing to get out. I just panicked and it came from nowhere.

Also agree with PP about the sedation and gas and air. I had Penthrox last time I needed gas and air for an injury and would highly recommend.

I'm embarassed to admit to anyone else what happened just yet

You’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. You just reacted badly to the pre-meds, that’s all. A tweak in the medication and you’ll be fine.

I had a panic attack when I had to wear a mask and have a CT scan. Totally out of nowhere it was like a bodily reaction to get out of there. Sometimes these things are out of our control, don’t be too hard on yourself, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot.

No need to apologise. I just have a very clear recollection of her raising her hands and talking very.gently. As though she was trying to calm down a very terrified animal trying to decide how to escape a fire. What made it much worse was when a considerably younger lady was wheeled into recovery right after me and was celebrating getting it done with no sedation at all, which is just incredible really.

Tbh the theory about the throat spray and adrenaline would really make so much sense. I really felt ok until I had two sprays of it then just immediately froze up. I wonder if I'd have reacted the same if I'd been given sedation before that..

I'm going to really think about what to do re the next appointment and weigh up whether it's worth it when my symptoms are improved. And yes maybe investigating with a therapist whether some cumulative medical trauma has been building up might be a good idea.

I also couldn’t go through with it and walked out. It goes against every instinct to lie down and have a huge tube put down your throat when you’re conscious. I couldn’t do it either. I tried twice and both times walked out.
Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through such a lot . Be gentle and loving with yourself and don’t beat yourself up.

I think the staff must be used to people panicking about this procedure. I have had several, the first with no sedation (which was horrific), and thenrather enjoyed the others as the anaesthetic they give you is rather pleasant before you pass out. But the last time I was sort of flailing and saying "I don't think I can do it" and trying to get up off the table, and they just soothed me and held me down nicely and told me the doctor was going to give me something to relax, and then the whole thing was okay and next thing I knew it was over.

Don't feel bad about having a human reaction to something scary and unknown.

@Rolypops I completely sympathise. Like you I've had loads of orthopaedic surgeries (not 25 though!), gynae and cancer surgery and mostly I've been fairly stoical about stuff.

But I do think sometimes your body has just had enough and goes into overload/panic mode. It happened to me just before my most recent op when the anaesthetist was trying to put the epidural needle in for a spinal block, and I was suddenly sick and shaking and panicking.

Don't beat yourself up about it - you have been through far more than most people will ever experience, medically. I know that if I have to have another major operation and there's a spinal block involved I'm going to tell them what happened and ask for a proper pre-med, which they don't give as routine these days (boo- they're lovely!).

Definitely get the sedation if you decide to try again.

Stop being so hard on yourself and assuming that it's a flaw of character rather than a physical response to the drugs, or just panic during an anxious time. Ask to speak to the staff ahead of any rebooking to discuss and raise the issue of adrenaline in the local anaesthetic. You may well find that it was that all along.

What ended up happening of you don't mind my asking? I suppose I'm just wondering what my options are if I can't overcome this in the future.

Can you ask to have sedation? Then you don't feel anything. They wheel you in, then next thing they are waking you up and it's over.

I agree with those suggesting sedation. It will make all the difference if you're anxious. Another possible option is using adrenaline-free local anaesthetic - I am sensitive to adrenaline and it makes me feel very shaky and weak. My dentist uses the adrenaline-free one if I need anything done. It may be an option for endoscopies. I hope you find a solution OP, you've been through a lot.

I'm so sorry, you've been through so much, this might have been the last straw. One too many.

I had an endoscopy last year, with the throat spray local and the intravenous sedation. I remember nothing about it, even though it isn't a general anaesthetic, until I found myself on a bed in the recovery room, very quickly coming back to normal. I'd rather wanted to watch it on the screen (yes, I know, weird, but interesting) but nope, didn't remember seeing anything.

Might some treatment or therapy for anxiety help?

You’ve been through a lot, I’m not surprised you freaked out at something.
Fwiw I found the throat spray was the worst bit, it made me gag.
First time I refused sedation ( idiot that I was!) Even when the sedation was given it didn’t go well and I just remember a very narked dr snarling get her out of here to someone. I was very distressed afterwards too.
Second and third time I told them to give me the maximum sedation as apparently I scream and lash out. I was absolutely fine when that was given and was chatting to the nurse within a minute of coming round. Walked out the hospital half an hour or so later. Will need it done again soon and not at all worried , and I’m usually a real wimp.
I think if you plan for the sedation next time it’ll go a lot smoother. I felt a tiny bit anxious on the second one , as first had been so awful, but that disappeared as soon as the sedation hit, along with the lovely oxygen they pipe up your nose. It was like breathing mountain air again.

I went for the same procedure and wanted to be under sedation however I fainted when they went to put canula in. I was so embarrassed and had no memory of it except coming round somewhere different. I then wasn’t allowed to have sedation and had to have it without. In the end it was ok but honestly I hadn’t fainted prior to that for years!

I've had one and I refuse to have another.

They sedated me, pushed my head down (quite forcefully), and I had to say hello I'm awake. Then they gave me it twice. Still awake. They refused to give me a third because it was too much for my size. So I felt the entire thing.

It put me in mind of being trapped in a bad blow job. It was wretched! Never again if I can't be knocked out.

But yeah they normally expect you to be gone instantly so that's good news for you! And they gave it to me seated so you don't need to work about lying down and panicking.

Always trust your gut. Feelings like that happen for a reason and are there to keep you safe. I doubt it has anything to do with adrenalin/anaesthetic/trauma; you sensed something was wrong, you listened to your feelings and now you are safe. Nothing to worry about imo.

If your sptoms have settles down you prob dont need it. Go back and discuss with your GP

Even under sedation I've heard stories of people 'coming round' to find bruises all over their arms where they've clearly been pinned down while struggling. The body fights back even if you can't remember it because of the sedation.

OP, ask for a general anaesthetic. That's the only way I would even consider an endoscopy because I know I would panic in the same way as you did.

Also, we're animals with animal bodies. We're not always able to control our reactions with our mind. No shame at all.

I’ve had 3 endoscopies. All with sedation. They were fine. I nearly ran away from the first one,

I did run away from the MRI scanner however. I wasn’t even propetly dressed. Ran off clutching my bra and pants😂