Dsis spending has ruined our family

[Spendysis]

I will try not to drip feed but don’t want to be Outed

older dsis has always been financially reckless always up to her eyes in debt she works full time earns good money and has had some good fortune like 50k pay out when her company merged but she always ends up broke again. All my adult life it has been an issue from her asking me to lend her money be a guarantor on loans etc she doesn’t take no for an answer so I used put in wrong date of birth so it would decline etc. she has borrowed thousands from dm who would then come to me in tears worried about her or money herself- she had plenty

I genuinely think she has issues she’s never married or had children and is extremely overweight so i think the spending on holidays cars home improvements are trying to prove she happy and successful. She has many times ranted she’s far more successful than her friends especially those who married and had dc as she’s traveled more except it’s dm who has paid

fast forward to more recently dsis no longer asks me for money after I confronted her politely about convincing dm to pay £14k for what she believed was life saving surgery but was weight loss surgery I knew nothing about dm paying and I was told it was bowel surgery she was having to repair damage from her previous weight loss surgery on the nhs. I simply said dsis shouldn’t ask for the kind of money and dm shouldn’t agree to lend it if it’s going to leave her short or upset her that prompted dsis to give her hairdresser a massive rant infront of my adult dd that I am just jealous of her and I know not to cross her as she will block me and the next time i will see her will be at dm funeral which was embarrassing for my dd

more recently dm who is not in good health had some damage to her property huge insurance claim no kitchen etc dsis of course wanted to take the lead has argued with every tradesman the insurance company you name I knew dsis had downloaded dm banking app dm wanted to check her balance as she was no longer getting statements dsis turned them off and dm can no longer get to the bank and she totalled that dsis had stolen £10k in 7 months

dsis had also been mithering about dm power of attorney and had suggested equity release turns out dsis has sole power of attorney so a family meeting was called dsis had obviously spoken to dm first ironically they had been on a trip for dsis next lot of life saving surgery costing 30k which dm no longer has in savings so dm said she was happy to have lent her the money as she needs it and as she is the eldest wants her to have power of attorney she did admit she doesn’t always ask her first which both me and dsis have recorded I said that’s fine I had voiced my concerns but if they are both ok with it fine and I respect dm wishes regarding poa

i haven’t heard anything from either of them since August dsis has blocked me on Facebook I know dsis is manipulating dm being financially abusive and will probably have changed the will i probably should report but it all makes me so sad we’ve had an awful year 6 sudden young deaths including dh 60 year old brother who had a sudden heart attack and we had to switch off his life support this is causing me so much stress not seeing my family

i am not interested in dm money my mortgage is nearly paid off we have lived within our means although inheritance would mean i could give my dc deposits for houses etc dsis has a long distance boyfriend who doesn’t work doesn’t own a house who she met on the internet 5 years ago who dm doesn’t know about and she is planning on marrying when dm passes away dsis health is poor and i really don’t want all dm and my df who passed away when I was a baby hard earned money going to some random person who dsis hardly sees

Call Social Sevices and also, if she has POA, please raise concerns and outline everything to the Office of the Public Guardian.

I should also say, I feel for you, as my sister is going down this path it seems. Please do report it though.

I know i should report it to adult social services and office of guidance. But it’s my word against theirs and I don’t want to cause dm any distress. Dsis has got herself signed off sick from work so is spending lots of time with her taking her for days out so she would be there at any interviews or appointments

Your mother has no kitchen to speak of and is being bled dry by her lying cheating daughter.

She is already in distress, both financial and emotional.

FGS, call SS

You have 3 options; Do something about it by reporting it to SS and the office of the public guardian; Do nothing and accept this is how it's going to be; or try to fix things without reporting and end up overwhelmed and stressed by it all and actually achieve nothing except to make yourself feel worse and your not so dear Sis will go on stealing and blackmailing your mum until she bleeds her dry and then your mum will probably expect you to pick up the pieces.

Don't you think your DM will be more distressed when she ends up homeless because your sister has spent everything? She'll probably remortgage the house and it'll end up repossessed.

If your DM health fails and she needs care or to go into a home, don't you think she'll be distressed being told she can't have the help she needs, because she's liable to fund it herself (but can't) and shouldn't have given away all her money?

Report it. It's the kindest thing for DM in the long run. Your sister is a thief.

Sorry for any confusion dm does have a working kitchen she has a brand new one via the insurance claim. I only mentioned that because that is how I found out about the money missing when she wanted to check her balance as thought she was paying for it herself and she wasn’t getting statements to her home address as dsis had turned them off on the banking app. Dm can’t use internet or telephone banking so had no other way of checking

dm is very unlikely to go into a care home it is her wishes to die at home we are both local and I doubt dsis would allow it as she is relying on her inheritance to pay off her 3 mortgages 1 being interest only with no endowment policy which has to be paid In about 7 years

I am just so sad and hurt my family has cut me off when all I was trying to do was protect dm I have no idea if dsis is still stealing from her I have checked the land registry and it doesn’t show any mortgage on dm property at the moment

part of me thinks just leave them to it they are happy with how things are I raised my concerns at the family meeting and dm who currently still has capacity is happy for dsis to help herself to her money and it’s dm wishes to not have anything to do with me or my dc I just don’t know what to do for the best

But then if i don’t do anything now it may be to late soon dm could lose capacity or pass away

You are in a lose lose situation here. Your relationship with your sister is over and sounds like your mum is already in distress and distancing herself from you.

You literally cannot win, so I would do the only thing you can and officially report this. It's financial abuse and coercive control. At least then your mum may get some help and you won't have it weighing on your conscience.....at least you'll have tried.

It does feel like i can’t win either way which makes it so difficult

FGS op start being pro active save your mother.

If your family don't speak to you again so be it, deal with that and your sadness later.

Your priority should be to protect your mum, she may not thank you now, she may never thank you ( as she ages and declines she may not understand ) but at least you will know that you did your best for her unlike your sister.

Report your sister to

•the police
•The Office of the public guardian
•action fraud
•social services
•DM bank

You can report this. There is a case in the news where a couple have just been jailed for stealing from the husband's parents. They had POA but spent the money on holidays etc.

Report to the OPG. It's a very serious breach and a safeguarding issue. You can report here: https://www.gov.uk/report-concern-about-attorney-deputy-guardian

Agree with all the comments about reporting your sister.

Regarding your comment about a care home being unlikely as your mum would want to stay at home, unfortunately that may not be possible if she needs 24/7 care - for example, if she has dementia and starts wandering out of the house at all hours (this is what prompted my family’s decision for my mum to go into a care home).

It is sad to think about, but should really be considered. Even though you and your sister are both local, providing that kind of care is a great burden and stress. And to be blunt, your sister doesn’t sound like someone who would be a devoted carer and put your mum’s needs first 😞

Report it! Social services. What a f-ing b-tch! Your mum should be treated like a vulnerable adult if shes being taken advantage of like this. Find your anger

But it’s my word against theirs and I don’t want to cause dm any distress. Dsis has got herself signed off sick from work so is spending lots of time with her taking her for days out so she would be there at any interviews or appointments

There will be evidence in her bank accounts of money going missing, social services should see your mum on her own and are very experienced in investigating financial harm.

There will be an audit trail of who has accessed her account and withdrawn money. SS will ensure your mum and sister are interviewed separately. They are used to these situations where vulnerable people are being manipulated by someone else, someone close to them. Please help your mum here. Your sister has shot her own self in the foot x

Having POA does not include helping yourself to someone else's money. You are only supposed to be dealing with someone else's finances on their behalf, and certainly not coercing them into parting with it in your favour.

Well if you don't report it you're just part of the problem, frankly.

Don't you think the current situation is already causing your mother distress?

It's not just your word against hers - there are bank statements!

Do you realise this is a crime and by not reporting you may be an accessory after the fact? Protect your mother and yourself.

Report to SS immediately
This is a safeguarding issue and she is being financially abused
AgeUK can advise
Your poor DM deserves a comfortable and peaceful life
Do not worry about any fallout as They've blocked you anyway

Missed that she has POA too
Office of public guardian

Power of attorney is only relevant/should only kick in if and when someone has lost their capacity to make financial decisions for them self eg if they have advancing dementia etc. You’ve said this is not the case with your mother so power of attorney is irrelevant right now (I agree it’s an issue for the future and sounds like your sister should absolutely not be power of attorney). Therefore right now it should still be completely your mother’s decision how her money is spent/where it goes. If she freely chooses to give money to your sister that’s one thing but it sounds like what your sister has been doing by taking control of you mum’s bank account is basically theft/financial fraudulence and should be reported as such to the bank and police and yes social services (vulnerable older adult safeguarding team) should be involved too in terms of the wider issue of coercive control concerns.

As others have said I would definitely report this to the Office of public Guardian
I think you would be negligent not to. They can investigate and decide. If Dsis is just using DM's cards and bank accounts I would ask advice from Age Concern or CAB ( ? ) Also mention deprivation of assets , because although your Dm may not wish to go into a care home , who knows & if DDis is freely spending her money that may come back to bite.

I wouldn't leave this - I would be reporting to several authorities.