Dsis spending has ruined our family

[Spendysis]

I will try not to drip feed but don’t want to be Outed

older dsis has always been financially reckless always up to her eyes in debt she works full time earns good money and has had some good fortune like 50k pay out when her company merged but she always ends up broke again. All my adult life it has been an issue from her asking me to lend her money be a guarantor on loans etc she doesn’t take no for an answer so I used put in wrong date of birth so it would decline etc. she has borrowed thousands from dm who would then come to me in tears worried about her or money herself- she had plenty

I genuinely think she has issues she’s never married or had children and is extremely overweight so i think the spending on holidays cars home improvements are trying to prove she happy and successful. She has many times ranted she’s far more successful than her friends especially those who married and had dc as she’s traveled more except it’s dm who has paid

fast forward to more recently dsis no longer asks me for money after I confronted her politely about convincing dm to pay £14k for what she believed was life saving surgery but was weight loss surgery I knew nothing about dm paying and I was told it was bowel surgery she was having to repair damage from her previous weight loss surgery on the nhs. I simply said dsis shouldn’t ask for the kind of money and dm shouldn’t agree to lend it if it’s going to leave her short or upset her that prompted dsis to give her hairdresser a massive rant infront of my adult dd that I am just jealous of her and I know not to cross her as she will block me and the next time i will see her will be at dm funeral which was embarrassing for my dd

more recently dm who is not in good health had some damage to her property huge insurance claim no kitchen etc dsis of course wanted to take the lead has argued with every tradesman the insurance company you name I knew dsis had downloaded dm banking app dm wanted to check her balance as she was no longer getting statements dsis turned them off and dm can no longer get to the bank and she totalled that dsis had stolen £10k in 7 months

dsis had also been mithering about dm power of attorney and had suggested equity release turns out dsis has sole power of attorney so a family meeting was called dsis had obviously spoken to dm first ironically they had been on a trip for dsis next lot of life saving surgery costing 30k which dm no longer has in savings so dm said she was happy to have lent her the money as she needs it and as she is the eldest wants her to have power of attorney she did admit she doesn’t always ask her first which both me and dsis have recorded I said that’s fine I had voiced my concerns but if they are both ok with it fine and I respect dm wishes regarding poa

i haven’t heard anything from either of them since August dsis has blocked me on Facebook I know dsis is manipulating dm being financially abusive and will probably have changed the will i probably should report but it all makes me so sad we’ve had an awful year 6 sudden young deaths including dh 60 year old brother who had a sudden heart attack and we had to switch off his life support this is causing me so much stress not seeing my family

i am not interested in dm money my mortgage is nearly paid off we have lived within our means although inheritance would mean i could give my dc deposits for houses etc dsis has a long distance boyfriend who doesn’t work doesn’t own a house who she met on the internet 5 years ago who dm doesn’t know about and she is planning on marrying when dm passes away dsis health is poor and i really don’t want all dm and my df who passed away when I was a baby hard earned money going to some random person who dsis hardly sees

Report it as previous posts have said. You said you're in a lose lose situation anyway so do it to protect your mother. Personally, I would cut off both of them, but at least your conscience will be clear. The relevant authorities can conduct their own investigation. Bank accounts will be investigated and withdrawn money will have to be accounted for.

Oh come on OP. There’s ways and means of reporting this.

Your sister is a thief, and although you mightn’t be directly involved, standing by with your arms folded will mean you’re complicit.

Take the fact that the perpetrator is your sister out of the equation.
You wouldn't allow a random person to spend your DMs money, so don't allow your sister to do so.

You need to stop hand wringing and start protecting your mother. I can't believe how passive you're being here.

Thank you all for your comments
I have already spoken to hourglass who suggested we have a family meeting first which we did and we both recorded it as I said I was in a difficult situation based on dm telling me dsis had taken the money and i didn’t want to get in trouble for knowing this and dm said she was happy for her to have the money but did slip up and say she didn’t always ask her first

i have no access to either of their bank accounts to know if this is still going on

I am aware that as mum still has capacity the poa shouldn’t be activated not that dsis was using that anyway but dsis as she is a health care provider ex care home manager area manager and inspector may have activated it

I genuinely think she has issues she’s never married or had children and is extremely overweight so i think the spending on holidays cars home improvements are trying to prove she happy and successful.

Sorry but I stopped reading after this bit. Your sister certainly sounds like she has issues, but many of us have never married or had children and still manage to not be reckless with money to "prove our happiness".

I have managed to be (mostly) happy, (fairly) successful, slim, and solvent "despite" not having a husband or kids. Attitudes like this perpetuate the negative stereotypes of unmarried women without children.

This.

Do this.

@catsnhats11 i am aware there are many happy single childless women in the world I just don’t think dsis is one of them and spends money trying to be flash to prove to everyone she is happy and successful when she’s not she even says she’s the most successful out of her friends due to her travels. I know she wanted children because I had to be interviewed by a social worker when she applied to adopt but got declined due to her weight

I didn’t mean to offend anyone I stupidly feel sorry for dsis and think deep down she is an unhappy person which is sad she’s my dsis and I love her which is why I am agonising over reporting

you can enact a financial power of attorney while there is still capacity however you can't enact a health and welfare one without a doctor having deemed they no longer have capacity,
someone might be able to make day to day financial decisions about like groceries and clothes but not be savvy enough to change utility suppliers or handle their savings and investments
with POA you must act in best interest of the prson and there are strict limits to what you can claim as expenses and gift as gifts on behalf on the person ( they must be out of income not capital)

I believe unless it’s been stipulated in the POA documents, your sis doesn’t need to wait until mum has lost capacity to use it. But you can state that it doesn’t activate until loss of capacity which has to be noted on the POA documents.
I think your biggest problem here is mum, unless she finds the strength to defend herself against your sister you’re never going to get anywhere sadly. I think as long as I knew I’d done everything in my power to help I could sleep easy at night.

Police and the office of the public guardian, I am afraid.

@Cottagecheeseisnotcheese thanks I thought they both could only be activated once she was deemed not to have capacity

This sounds so painful OP.

I know you are worried about upsetting your Mum, but I how much upset she is swallowing and hiding… and what actually protecting her from abusive and exploitative behaviour entails.

This is all something to consider - it really could be out of your hands. We had the same situation as @EllieQ describes.

Would your sister definitely know it was you if you reported it, OP? Are there others who potentially could have observed at least some of this?

@Pezdeoro41 we had similar with dmil she had dementia and ss placed her in a care home after she fell and broke her collarbone

Dm is in heart failure so can’t walk far gets breathless and tired so her heart will probably pack in before she gets dementia. Dsis is dementia trained anyway she used to be a care home manager area manager and inspector plus is a nurse and always said dm could move in with her she lives an a bungalow if she couldn’t cope at home dsis before she went off sick worked mainly from home so could keep an eye on her

@Spendysis please stop making excuses and take the steps you've been advised by numerous posters to take.
Your mother is being abused and by doing nothing you are enabling it. Hand wringing won't help neither will off loading on here
Take action now.

This is financial abuse which needs reporting. See link.
www.merseyside.police.uk/news/merseyside/news/2023/november/husband-and-wife-jailed-after-stealing-over-11700-from-a-couple-in-liverpool/

This is awful, what happens if your mum needs care at home for the last 10 years of her life? It could cost £1500 a week for care at home, that your sis has pissed away. Do you really think your sis will be looking after your mum when she needs it?

What happens if you sit your mum down and say calmly and slowly ' Jane is stealing from you and spending the money on unesscary surgery, I am very worried because I want you to have enough money as you get older and so if needed you can be cared for at home and not in a residential home'

Is your mum honestly happy that she doesn't have much to do with her other daughter? I really feel for you.

@nottaotter i presume dm is happy she hasn’t contacted me or ds and only tried to call dd twice since august they are young adults now but she always had a close relationship with them as she looked after them when I was working when they were younger

maybe I do just need to toughen up they obviously don’t care about me and dc dsis didn’t even offer dh condolences when his d cousin died who she was involved in helping sort things out with
dm house is worth 600k and her will was so we got equal that’s a lot of money for me to lose for someone who doesn’t care about me

If your sister is controlling finances, she may well be controlling access to people, including who your mum contacts by phone and who is left out in the will

Please stop burying your head in the sand

No news is NOT good news

@Gingernaut i don’t doubt dsis is filling her head and anyone who will listen what an awful daughter and person I am that’s what she’s like with anyone who disagrees with her

I didn’t ask to be put in this situation yes I knew dsis was a financial nightmare always has been I know dm has bailed her out loads of times she owes her thousands probably so many red flags we turned a blind eye to it’s just how she is she never learns from her mistakes

dsis was on one of her many holidays when dh was fitting new skirting boards in the new kitchen dm was concerned she couldn’t afford it £60 Very typical of an older person to be concerned over money the whole reason she needed a new kitchen was because she had a flood due to not putting her heating on enough as she couldn’t afford it when she had 18k sitting in her current account so we took her to the bank to get her balance and they printed off her statements since they were turned off by dsis when she downloaded dm banking app

i have not seen the statements dm herself went through them then told me £10k had gone out of her account to dsis 6k in transfers and £4k to the local garden centre at the same time dsis treated herself to a gazebo that she wanted dh to put I wish dm hadn’t told me as she put me in a difficult position

having been told this I suggested a family meeting dsis had time to work on dm took her to her doctors appointment to discuss her surgery that will cost £30k so dm changed her tune she was happy to give dsis the money etc I accepted that walked away left them to it

how have i become the bad person in all of this I have never had a penny from dm never asked because I am a adult I lived within my means and i am not bitter at all the money she has given dsis over the years.

i seem to be the only one struggling and i haven’t done anything wrong they are happy if I report dsis she will lose her job potentially go to prison can’t do right for doing wrong and they have cut all contact with me regardless

I'm the outlier here. I think you need to concentrate on your own family and let the chips fall where they may for your mother and sister. There is no way this ends well. Even if you convince the authorities that your sister is stealing, if your mother doesn't want to pursue it, it will probably end there. What good will it do? There will be no money with which to reimburse your mom, she will have spent it. I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be so difficult.

@Spendysis

i seem to be the only one struggling and i haven’t done anything wrong they are happy if I report dsis she will lose her job potentially go to prison can’t do right for doing wrong and they have cut all contact with me regardless

Then you have nothing to lose by reporting your sister's abuse of your mother, do you? Because that is what it is, senior abuse.

If it was me I'd rather have the family angry with me and my mother safe, regardless of the fallout to me. My cousin was in a similar situation with her brother (withdrawing cash from their dementia suffering mother's account). She got the family attorney involved and her brother was threatened with legal action. No, her brother never spoke to her again. But her mother was safe.

If ever your mum needs care, whether at home or in a residential setting, your sister could find herself liable for fees if she's found to be involved in a deprivation of assets. I've only seen it happen once, but it resulted in a huge bill and legal proceedings.