What was an issue in your family when you were growing up that you didnt realize at the time?

[RzorC]

how tight money was

Living with a neurotic mum, but didn't see this until years later. Damage has already been done now.

I was brought up in the 1960s and 70s. No one ever said " I love you" in my family either. It wasn't an issue though. We were in absolutely no doubt that we were loved.

These days "I love you" has almost become a casual throwaway remark that is meaningless unless it is backed up.

Actions speak louder than words.

Yes this is what the atmosphere was like in my home growing up.

This.

How badly my narcissistic mother treated us all, and how we just put up with it to keep her happy

@hoobanoobie I'm sorry this has to you, I grew up in a violent home too, once I was old enough I belted him back, he was very shocked and never hit any of us again.

Abuse.

Physical and emotional but it's the emotional that has lasted.

I have a 17 year old daughter. We hug every day. My 24 year old son and I hug when we see each other. We tell each other we love each other all the time.

My mother never hugged me. Never told me she loved me. I knew by 10 that she didn't love me and she admitted it to my brother when we were in our 30s.

Outwardly I grew up in a fairly privledged environment, large house in a leafy twee village in the home counties, nice clothes, food, expensive cars etc but my parents were emotionally non existent. I was the youngest of four, they freely admitted that I was a 'mistake'. My elder siblings were generally fussed over, large birthdays, constant praise, engagement and a general proactive interest in their lives whereas I just bumbled along in the background under my own steam. I had an amazing uncle who lived around the corner who pretty much became a surrogate father, encouraged me to take up hobbies, helped with my homework, gave me lifts to weekend sports etc. He was a physics lecturer and noticed that I had an aptitude for the subject so really invested loads of extra time in extra tuition. My folks were just not interested. Thanks to him I got AAB in my A Levels and got into Bristol uni and again barely an acknowledgement or congrats (my mum criticised me for my B). My siblings were all taken out for dinner, received presents etc when their lower grade results came out. I spent a summer busting my arse working various jobs and saved up enough to buy an ancient crappy Ford Fiesta which as far as I was concerned was my ticket out of there (my siblings were bought nice newer cars). The day I drove to university they put the house on the market and moved to Ireland where I barely saw them. They never asked how I was doing at uni or offered any financial support. I never worked out why they did not give a toss. My uncle died a few years ago who as far as I was concerned gave me some emotuonal warmth, ambition and direction in my life and I can't remember being so upset. Maybe my parents were Vulcans😟

My parents never told me they loved me
My dad had anger issues, would shout and punched a hole in a door once
My mum had an affair

I always thought I had a good family life, mum sahp, baked bread, very homely, played with us, but looking back I think she wanted a different life and had children, because that's what you did.
My dad was a Disney dad ( think this was why mum had an affair) with a temper

Mental illness

That my parents were the worst people I'd ever have to endure in my life.

That I could one day be completely free.

That that as much as my parents didn't love me, I also didn't love them.

(I just thought I was a terrible, unlovable daughter for the best part of 16 years. But my parents both had serious mental health issues)

How much my parents kept their problems to themselves. As children we were very secure. It wasn't until I was a lot older that I found out about how tight money was (mortgage interest rates of 17%), my mother's misery at work as she worked with a shower of bitches and she couldn't leave. How difficult it was when my dad was made redundant.

I read all these problems here 40 years later. And I'm not surprised that kids today have anxiety as parents seem to share more of their problems.

Totally agree.

I think it depends on the flavour @penjil

Much as my parents were wonderful people, and my relationship became much better after I left home, I do remember most Christmas's were ruined because Christmas Eve was my Fathers birthday and he would always - always - go out for drinks at lunchtime with his friends and arrive home pissed; The tension of the expectation was horrible. My Mother was a nervous wreck every year and we did our best to pretend it was all OK, but Christmas Day was all about keeping the peace and ignoring his hangover and papering over the shouting match he would have had with my Mum after we were sent to bed early the night before :(

This is a refreshing take, it makes a nice change to see someone who grew up in that environment actually embracing Christianity as an adult.

That is how it was in my family growing up. It was only when my dad died that I really we had never told each other that we loved each other. I have never felt he didn't love me though; he was an incredibly kind and loving father. Obviously different if your parent wasn't loving in both words and actions.

I never noticed when I was growing up that my much loved paternal grandmother was an extremely petty, difficult woman, who didn't get on with my mum at all! My mum only told me the truth about her after my dad died. Some of the stories about my gran are really shocking - I'd thought she was this sweet elderly lady who everyone loved 😧.

I agree with this.

I didn't actually notice that parents never said it. I didn't know that was a thing. It was normal in my house.

Unfortunately being locked in the garden in the dark, hit with wooden spoons, locked in the porch, held up near naked in front of the living room window between the glass and the net curtains for the neighbours purse to see how hateful I was, being mocked, humiliated, told I was too/not enough this that or the other to ever be loved amongst the many other multitude of things that were said and done in the 18 years between being born and leaving home, plus the emotional abuse that continued for the next 20 years was all the 'action' I needed.

I read all these problems here 40 years later. And I'm not surprised that kids today have anxiety as parents seem to share more of their problems.

This might be a your family situation rather than a general situation. My parents told me about all their problems or at we'd find out anyway because they'd argue in front of us. I used to worry all the time about money when I was young and wouldn't tell them about voluntary school trips or ask for new clothes because I thought we were broke.

Then they bought an investment property and holiday home almost immediately we left home. They had money but they just preferred to keep it in the bank than spend it on their children.

I didn't talk about my problems with my children or argue in front of them and neither of them have anxiety. Anyway anxiety is more about not being taught to deal with situations or regulate yourself than about knowing about problems. I felt anxiety growing up because my parents didn't seem to be able to face up to problems when they happened or teach me how to. It was always a drama so I learnt the message that anything that went wrong was an issue that couldn't be resolved. It often comes from not working through your feelings and processing them.

The dysfunctional relationships with men that the women all had - combination of acceptance of patriarchy, WW2 hero worship, dealing with unrecognised PTSD in their menfolk, resilient and martyred approach to womanhood, and being brought up in a household that happened to be very light on men so they remained an unknown quantity.

Took me the best part of 50 years to recognise and sort out.

The extent of my mother's mental health problems. They got worse once i was an adult but looking back now, I think she still had a lot more issues back then. As a child it doesn't register the same.

My parents separated when I was 4, I went with my dad and didn’t see my mum again for months.
I was then introduced to a women I’d never met before and told “This is your new mum”, and she moved in.
Nothing was ever spoken about again and it meant I spent my childhood in a fog of complete confusion and anxiety.

I didn’t realise any of this was very wrong until I was in my 40s.

That my Mum is autistic.
We worked it out when my son was diagnosed.

My dad worked for British steel and spent several years in the 80s on a picket line. I knew we were not rich but had no idea how serious it was.