Can’t support my sister any longer- adult with ADHD. Any advice from people with experience please!

[GotMooMilk]

Just that really. Younger sister is 30 and has ADHD (recently diagnosed). Before this she’s struggled with bouncing from job to job, always looking for new careers or new study. On reflection quite typical of ADHD. Otherwise functions well has a partner, owns a flat with a lodger, goes to the gym has a social life etc. has completed a degree and now doing a masters.

The last 12 months she’s been through 5 jobs I think? She never passes probation periods- she goes off sick with anxiety, goes off regularly with diarrhoea (anxiety related I think), doesn’t really care enough to engage with the work so isn’t great and they let her go. She did temp work and was let go. She’s been to the GP for her mental health in the past and since diagnosis has started ADHD medication and is currently having counselling with a workplace specialist.

Ive spent I don’t even know how many hours the last year helping her job hunt, picking her up when she’s down, paying for stuff as she’s skint, listening to her rant about work. At one point I travelled to work with her every day to support her in going. I’ve supported her so much I’ve never judged but I’m starting to get so frustrated. She applied for another job and I said this time you need to stick with it you’ll lose the flat, her lovely boyfriend will start to reevaluate if she can’t hold down a job or function. And I was told ‘I’ll try but I can’t promise’. I know this is true but it just hit a nerve.

I have 2 kids work 3 jobs and am studying a masters. I’m emotionally depleted and hit a wall where I can’t give her any more support when I’m three months time this whole bloody circus will repeat. Do I just endlessly ‘support’? Does putting your foot down help? Honestly I’m at a loss

You can still maintain a non judging supportive attitude while pulling back for your own protection.
You can have a chat with her, tell her that you know she's working to get everything on an even keel and you are pleased that she now knows what she's dealing with. You hope that the support you have given previously has been useful. But that you know, she of all people, will understand that there is only so much time and energy to go round and that you have become aware that you personally can't offer as much practical support as you have in the past as you are finding it is taking too much out of you, and in future you need to offer support at a level you can sustain while still meeting your own personal commitments.

That's not blaming it's saying in order to continue to support her, as you want to do you need to do it at a level you can realistically keep up as anything else is unfair on her, you and your family... If you overstretch there is the risk you will drop out suddenly without warning if you crash, which is no good for anyone.

Then you need to have a clear idea what that is, a chat once a week, social support but no job support... You set the expectations so there isn't misunderstanding.

She herself probably won't have all her coping mechanisms in place yet but she's got all the information she needs to seek the right tools and she is now likely to be motivated to get there if she doesn't have you to lean on daily. You can still be there just not as much.

A takeaway is a very bad use of money anyway, if she's broke. It would be far better to send her groceries for the same amount. Once she's eaten the takeaway she's back to being broke again.

But I agree with the others - you need to back off. If she can't see any financial consequences to her not keeping jobs, she'll just continue in the same way.

I don't know why you think any of this "falls to you". It's a strange phrase to her about a 30 year old sister with qualifications, a home of her own, and a partner.

You're not her carer, she's a mature adult, and you're not the only person in her life.

She needs to know that you don't have any space to continue helping her when she leaves this job. That this is the last time, and that along the way you've provided her with all the information she needs to either keep this job or look for the next one without your help.

I have adhd and so do my kids - you are propping her up and telling her do X because you can see the future going wrong if she doesn't. She needs to feel the future going wrong to motivate her to change the present. She always knows if one job goes pear shaped you will help her.
Take the training wheels away - she needs to do this on her own you are accidentally killing her with kindness sort of thing.

Thanks all for your input I really appreciate it.

Take the training wheels away

A perfect analogy!

You're enabling her. She's lazy and come to rely on you to bail her out. She's old enough to look after herself. Take a step back be supportive. Not doing all for her

F

I have adhd and long before I realised that I coped by lowering the bar for myself. I'd support from that perspective. What causes her to feel overwhelmed and to give up?? Eg, it's ok to get a job, not aim for a great job. Get job security not a promotion. Self compassion not self-appraising. Write lists. Cross things off. Be aware of "overwhelm" looming. Not a problem for me now im older but I could never cope with going out to much. Or if work had a few unusual expectations in one week, try to postpone one to a quieter week.
I know it plays in to the low achiever narrative that my family holds of me but my advice to her would be to lower her bar. Start with a small step. The smallest step. Small steps not bold courageous leaps. Ykwim.

My sibling very understanding actually when I said I believed I had adhd, there were a lot of normal things I couldn't do. But he never helped me. How could he. You can't do driving tests or interviews or win promotions for other people. It is all on you. So the most supportive relative is willing you to feel safe where you're at. When you feel safe, risk a small step.
I'm 53 and have a very modest but secure job. I'm applying for other jobs but safe in the knowledge that I am ok regardless. I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to go up a grade about 5 times now.
The things other people find relatively easy are harder for me but my iq is average.

In the middle of this post the dentist rang me to remind me of an apt next week. I'd forgotten it. Argh, minor overwhelm. 😫

I’m not convinced that removing the support will enable her to cope (eg the training wheels analogy)

that said she’s not your responsibility and the help she needs should be figured out in a way that’s long term and sustainable.

there’s something called Access to Work she can look into, and PIP financial support. As above she can speak to student support.

she needs to lower the bar for herself and I don’t know her budgeting or priorities but if she can pay for support eg taxis rather than you driving her about.

there are lots of websites and pages, an adhd charity etc.

@WeeDove thats really interesting. The impression I get is DS feels she should be doing better- she sees her friends and peers who are now 8-10 years into their career doing well and earning well and feels she should be there. They’re a bit of arrogance- because of constant job hopping she’s in a low-ish wage when employed and feels ‘too good’ for a lot of the jobs she does. When she’s not actually very adept at them and gets managed for this or fails her probation it impacts her self esteem even more as she’s failed at something she perceives is beneath her. I’ve tried to speak to her about this before as I think she gives off an air of ‘im better than this’ to managers when they raise issues which obviously rubs people up the wrong way.
I also find out hard to pick out what is ADHD and may improve and what’s just her personality. She’s painfully self involved and talks about herself a lot, she turns her nose up at the majority of jobs she would actually be able to get. I sound awful obviously I love her to bits!

She needs to fail and deal with her own shortcomings. You can’t keep propping her up.

I also find out hard to pick out what is ADHD and may improve and what’s just her personality.

These are very closely linked.
The ADHD, unmanaged and unknown, will have created lots of issues for her growing up. Which means she’ll have developed coping strategies, stories etc… around it to be able to cope with her SEN. Those won’t always be helpful to her.
Eg I’m great and it’s all the fault of other people is often a way to deal with constant knock downs. Because if it’s not others, then it’s you who isn’t good enough right? (Rather than this is an ADHD issue. I can learn to be aware about it, find ways to deal with it specific to the condition I have etc…).

Truly separating the two will be very hard Imo.

I’m in the process of getting diagnosed, psychiatrist diagnosed adhd and asd/what used to be Asperger’s.

Just on the work thing - I’m an awful employee. Truly awful. Stressed, disorganised, unable to relate to colleagues, anxious. I beat myself up about it for years. But you wouldn’t know any of that if you met me - I’m self employed doing something I’m good at and kick ass at what I do. So if you want to direct your energies appropriately to helping your sister (you do plenty, but if there’s a conversation to be had) something about aligning her skills with her work may prove very valuable.

@CameleonAreFightingBack thats interesting I can see that.

@TheWayTheLightFalls that's great you've found what works for you. Rather than the work itself my sister seems to respond best when 'forced' to work as it were. So during school/college/uni and when living at home with my parents she had good attendance because they were obviously keeping an eye on her (without realising!)- dropping her at school, watching her walk out the door to work daily. As soon as she is on her own and doesn't have any accountability as such she stops going. Then when she's been off it makes her anxious, not want to go in and worry about repercussions then the downwards spiral happens again. Thats why I cycled in with her- when I did that she was ready in the morning, went in and she said she appreciated me doing that. But I can't do that forever obviously!

I’m slightly curious how she managed to get a mortgage with only having low paying jobs, and not being able to stay in them for very long.

Her ADHD diagnosis must be very, very, recent because I was on a thread you posted at the end of Sept about her where you said depression and anxiety. Which makes complete sense as those are often diagnosed when people are neurodiverse before the neurodiversity is recognised. My own history with diagnosis is similar.

So she may need a bit more processing time to come to terms with her ADHD being confirmed. But I think you need a plan for you. Decide how long you can support versus when and how you’re going to step back and live your life. It might be good for both of you.

I hear that- my parents have her a hefty deposit (about 40%) on a 2 bed flat in a fairly inexpensive area so her mortgage was around 2 x her salary. At the time she got it she was moving out my parents so she’d been in a job 6 months so it was good timing. In fairness she has a lodger who pays almost the whole mortgage off with their monthly rent so she isn’t too bad there.

@MichaelBurnhamFan it is very recent- she has thought she’d had ADHD for quite a while though!

I've also got people in my life who think I have ADHD rather than depression and anxiety. I've decided for myself that I probably haven't (don't seem to fit the childhood parts) but had a nervous breakdown earlier this year so can't face pursuing it.

Plus, the coping mechanisms seem to be the ones I use anyway.

I'm not unsympathetic to your sister OP, but I was always very conscious that if one person tried to support me, they'd collapse in a heap.

It sounds as if she has the best possible start in life and needs to build on that without leaning heavily on others.

Think you need to get away from the idea of 'forcing work' you say she was forced to go to work/uni by your parents and now you are forcing her to keep a job as you think that's what she needs. Why are you all forcing her to do things? That must be hard work for you all, no wonder you want to step back.

@gotmychristmasmiracle i get that but what’s the alternative? She’s currently on UC but only eligible for what was jobseekers. She can barely afford to live on that and is very reliant on her lodger. Surely a 30 year old aiming to be able to work is the right thing? I understand she will need adjustments etc and the right sort of job. I’m not trying to ‘force’ her to work but support her to work.

Did you not already post about this situation quite recently? If you're the same poster, you were advised to take a step back and put your own needs first.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4907981-to-not-know-how-to-help-my-sister

I did @TheOccupier i know but I didn’t have many responses and following the ‘new’ ADHD diagnosis I was quite keen to find out from mn’ers with the same diagnosis how they would approach it.

I'm not sure it matters that she now has a diagnosis. The effect on you is the same and the advice for you to take a step back is still valid.

Hopefully DSis will now be prescribed medication that helps her and things will improve, but really you need to set some boundaries and leave her to it.