Can’t support my sister any longer- adult with ADHD. Any advice from people with experience please!

[GotMooMilk]

Just that really. Younger sister is 30 and has ADHD (recently diagnosed). Before this she’s struggled with bouncing from job to job, always looking for new careers or new study. On reflection quite typical of ADHD. Otherwise functions well has a partner, owns a flat with a lodger, goes to the gym has a social life etc. has completed a degree and now doing a masters.

The last 12 months she’s been through 5 jobs I think? She never passes probation periods- she goes off sick with anxiety, goes off regularly with diarrhoea (anxiety related I think), doesn’t really care enough to engage with the work so isn’t great and they let her go. She did temp work and was let go. She’s been to the GP for her mental health in the past and since diagnosis has started ADHD medication and is currently having counselling with a workplace specialist.

Ive spent I don’t even know how many hours the last year helping her job hunt, picking her up when she’s down, paying for stuff as she’s skint, listening to her rant about work. At one point I travelled to work with her every day to support her in going. I’ve supported her so much I’ve never judged but I’m starting to get so frustrated. She applied for another job and I said this time you need to stick with it you’ll lose the flat, her lovely boyfriend will start to reevaluate if she can’t hold down a job or function. And I was told ‘I’ll try but I can’t promise’. I know this is true but it just hit a nerve.

I have 2 kids work 3 jobs and am studying a masters. I’m emotionally depleted and hit a wall where I can’t give her any more support when I’m three months time this whole bloody circus will repeat. Do I just endlessly ‘support’? Does putting your foot down help? Honestly I’m at a loss

I really used to feel like that and used to emotionally flagellate myself for being such a failure while also feeling I ought to be more successful. About three years ago i ended up in therapy for the second time and the therapist gently suggested I had ADHD, I actually shot her down at the time, but she suggested a self-compassion work book which was really good. I felt so at odds with the world that I did a chapter per week ready for the next session. Normally in any kind of work book I just skim read it and think yeh yeh, but I made myself do the exercises. I'm much older than your sister and it was only at about 46 or so that I began to accept myself, not in that way like ''ok i'm a loser'' but in a way that I accepted that i am a bit different and the academic and professional world is a competition that challenges me more than most. It sounds a cliche but I decided to learn a language fluently and i did, I decided to get to grade 8 and I got to grade 6 (relatively quickly for an adult). I'm told I'm funny and I hold my own in company and nobody knows that my secret is that everything normal is harder for me. So, I accept it now, with self-compassion. I guess it's like a disability in terms of the meritocracy we live in but in terms of ideas and creativity and ironically, the focus I can give to something that obsesses me, it's an advantage. I feel different from other people, still, but now, I don't feel less than. Until my mid forties I did. I recommend Kirsten Neff phd and Christopher Germer Phd mindful self-compassion work book. Because when I say lower the bar, I don't mean ''give up cos you're crap'' I mean make each step smaller and talk to yourself kindly through the inevitable rejections. Make small steps from a place of security. Don't take on too much. Lists. Google Calendar. Routine. Arrive early to avoid the stress of arriving late! I think I had time blindness years ago but i used to add up how long it took me to do things. 7 minutes in the shower, 5 to get dressed, 4 minutes for makeup, 8 minutes to walk to the bus stop, max 10 minute wait for bus, 17 minutes on the bus. So despite feeling kind of panicky about time keeping I used to get to places on time by breaking it down in to tiny steps.

Can I pm you with a suggestion

Can she drop the Masters and just do the job - or the other way around? Those two things together sound really stressful for her - and are very different disciplines which might be confusing her thoughts.

@commonground she could, effectively she’s just doing the masters now but she can’t really afford it. She didn’t want to stop the masters as she feels that’s her ticket to better money in future, which may be true but her chequered work history until then doesn’t look great.

You really aren't responsible for solving this problem for her. Although, she probably needs support off someone to be able to figure this out, getting diagnosed is tough and takes time to process. She could do with some professional support.

I have adhd and wasn't diagnosed until five years ago. In my early career I would job hop to stop from getting sacked.

You say she has to be forced to do things and then stays home off with anxiety. Has she given you the specifics of why she stops going into work? When I did that it was because the job gave me too much autonomy and choice and I would get behind on work. I only checked in with my manager once a month so I would procrastinate and get overwhelmed and not do my work, and then it would build up and I would feel sick with panic about getting into trouble so stay off.

When I moved to a job where my work was allocated and recorded daily I became the perfect employee, because once my work level is observed and carried out jointly with other people in a system with clear procedures I can make myself work just fine and I do really well. And now I've learnt the skills to time manage and plan a lot better, although I still struggle and have to be careful to not get behind. But earlier in my career before I was diagnosed I needed that structure in work to build my confidence and skills.

For adhd employment, if you can't work in something you love you need to play to your strengths, motivation works differently for the adhd brain. What types of jobs is she applying for and do they work with her adhd difficulties?

Be honest with her. Tell her you are struggling and are burnt out providing constant support. You love her but you need to step back for a bit for the sake of your own mental health. This doesn't mean you are giving up on her at all, just that you need space to breathe for a bit. She has a partner who can help too. Hopefully she can find a job that will suit her and that she can settle in to.

Do less for her but be a shoulder to cry on when it goes wrong. Just step back and prioritise yourself.

Don't make her feel bad about the fact she can't do what society expects. I'm sure she will be feeling a lot of shame about being unable to hold down a job and that will be feeding into her mental health issues.

I have ADHD. I hold down jobs but spend my life perpetually anxious.

@Greenberries That’s so interesting that a job with a lot of variety (meeting different people, different settings, etc.) has turned out to be a great fit for you. One of my friends has ADHD and she loves being a GP. Every day is different, she sees such a wide variety of patients and conditions. The appointments structure also suits her, as procrastination isn’t an option.

Perhaps your sister needs to consider professions that offer more variety and structure than what she’s currently doing?

Could she become self employed?

I have ADHD and only being self-employed works for me.